Now that you are in a position to please Him more than ever, speak from the fullness of your heart and say: “It is the will of God that is accomplished in me. From all eternity God’s love has chosen me to undergo this suffering today. May He be blessed forever! …Recollection and attachment to God should be a normal attitude…Your chief activity will be the interior conflict with your vicious inclinations and the performance of acts of the contrary virtues…It must not be imagined that a multiplicity of exercises (spiritual) will produce any real progress in devotion. Although they may be good in themselves, their proper use may only serve to confuse the mind, increase self-love and instability and thus open a way to the illusions of the devil. –‘Spiritual Combat’ Dom Lorenzo Scupoli

An interesting turn of events has been occurring at work for weeks. There is a general panic, fear of lay-offs due to a reduction in workload. It has become personal for myself now that it has been announced my Saturday work will be eliminated, and weekdays reduced to eight hours. First, a bit of a pat on the back, I remain fearless, removing myself from gossip and speculation. What comes, comes, and God allows all things to happen. I trust in God. Everything is exactly as God wills at every precise moment in my life. I have to be more accepting as I grow closer to the One Who is the Most Accepting. My initial panic is a serious decline in my paycheck, yet in truth that is paranoid. All I do is hoard money, living remarkably cheap. God has placed me in a perfect temporary home, demanding minimal rent in a wonderful neighborhood. Where my mind quickly steers toward fear, there truly is nothing to fear. The challenge will be to discern properly the blessing of an increase in personal leisure time. That is why I quoted the above writing of Dom Scupoli. My tendency is too overindulge in spiritual activity, spiritual gluttony, yet that is a form of selfishness, promoting self-love. Maximizing energy in regards to greatest contemplative efficacy involves utilizing my time wisely.  Accepting my strongest battle is behavior and thought contrary to virtue, the realization centers that an increase in time will magnify the battle. Knowing myself, that I am a man of schedule and routine, a devoted personality always seeking to love, while easily slipping into dependency, I understand a battle plan will have to be instituted. I am not afraid of sadness nor boredom. I must not preoccupy myself with social superficial activity simply for the sake of avoiding proper unpleasantness, neither do I allow sloth and depression to overwhelm me. I am in a period of serious grieving, yet I move through it, learning from it. How can I use a serious increase in personal time, while staying aligned with the will of God, not becoming morbidly depressed or overly busy, exercising dependency, seeking out others simply to block brutal reality? Alcohol is defeated, yet life is still difficult. A strong prayer life does not solve all my problems, cannot fill all of my time. In fact, too much prayer activity will asphyxiate my prayer life. My blogging efforts are establishing and other activities demonstrating a love of writing and expressing myself. Authentically, I open myself to a proper reception of divine matters while writing, steering away from self-glorification, expanding faith, hope, and charity. I accurately demand accountability from writing efforts, while allowing myself the option of being wrong. Perfection is not demanded. Previously in life, I felt I had to be drunk to write. It is why so much of my fiction is difficult to expose. In my heart, I aspired toward goodness while opening the door to demons. It would surprise nonalcoholics how strenuously active alcoholics fight in drunkenness to remain righteous. A futile battle, insane warfare, the majority of drinking alcoholics focus on nothing but redemption. I think that is why so many become so devout in faith once they are able to sober-up properly. They have known the dredges of misery, clinging tightly to truth when they are finally able to live it. However going about spiritual matters in an excessive, obsessive manner is also dangerous. Extremes do not work. It is a difficult game, a balancing act involving the acceptance of pain and boredom. An increase in creative writing efforts, an older story temporarily titled ‘Man Tower’, predominantly written sober, explored in this blog, will be resumed.  I have been editing, rewriting, now I will expand into new areas, a strenuous endeavor as it involves incorporating scripture synchronized with Thomas of Celano’s ‘First Life of St Francis.  A historical fiction work, extensive research must be resumed, thus the further filling of healthy time. Yesterday, I played basketball, first time in three weeks. Performing horribly, making a handful of shots, while I never stop shooting. I lost every game. I had a blast. The men are such a blessing in my life. They were so happy to see me. I was moved by the gentleman who hosted the cookout at his ranch. Zoltran made a point of informing me his wife had the serving bowl I left at their home. The cookout was over two weeks ago. I said, ‘Zoltran the bowl cost me a dollar fifty at the dollar store. I consider it disposable’. He said, ‘so you do not mind if we use it to feed the chickens’. I could only laugh, thankful to be once again in his company. That is activity that accentuates my prayer life, my contemplative efforts. Daily exercise will be incorporated, utilizing the wonderful Cain Park. Overall, my new urban neighborhood offers a smorgasbord of social activity. It seems every time I go for a walk, or jog something interesting occurs. The other day walking through the park, I was admiring a freshly painted park bench when to my wondrous surprise I noticed a twenty dollar bill underneath. I retrieved the bill, seeking out the young redhead painting the benches, yet she said it was not hers. There is an attractive woman who was exercising near. I see her quite often. I will ask her if she lost anything the next time I see her. That reminds me. I received an e-mail from Father David Mary. It brings tears to my eyes to state that we will be conducting an ongoing effort of reconciliation. For all of our differences, I never for a moment questioned the man’s priestly dedication and awesomeness. His spirituality I respect to the highest degree. My prayer life was elevated to an incredible level under his guidance, a love of the Eucharist and an awareness of the power of Adoration firmly established. He is truly a powerful priest pursuing and fulfilling a unique mission. My heart is lightened to know we will be working together in spirit. That invigorates my prayer life, energizing my contemplative efforts. Regarding the maximizing of energy, filling time appropriately, my focus upon marriage must be clarified a bit. I spoke with my friend Carol and she laughed at me, saying you are not ready for marriage. It was said with all due regards to graciousness, complementary. I was not so much making a demand to be married right now, more than defining. Everything was so insane with Ann in regards to male/female interaction that I had to set everything straight in my mind. The marriage I seek may still be with the Church. I am encountering a Eucharistic based organization centered upon the ways of St Peter Julian Eymard, discerning participation. My experience with Father David Mary has enlightened me to the fact sensitivity is essential in regards to effective spiritual association. Charism and proper suitability for all involved essential to producing bountiful fruit. Thy will be done.

An image for soothing the mind.  A favorite Mary statue from the Holy Rosary Cathedral in Toledo, excuse questionable quality.  I love the strength of Mary in this statue.  I think of her as bold, proud, and strong in the presentation.  The size may not come through in the photo.  Our Lady, seated, stands I would approximate eight feet tall, larger than life. There is a tremendous might to her presence. It is located in a private setting allowing precious alone time.  The power she possesses as the crowned Queen of Heaven majestically comes through in the statue.

Holy Rosary Cathedral Toledo