I woke this morning with a strange conviction, a determination made during sleep blossomed while reading in bed a biography of Henry Suso written by the mysterious religious sister known only as S.M.C. of the congregation of Catherine of Siena. The book I find marvelous as a book in being, printed in 1947 by Blackfriars Publications. The solid mindset established with the opening of my eyes today is effected by many realms of realities and potentialities. Two in particular are worth mentioning. One is the fact I took Saturday and Sunday off from work, allowing complete removal from my new employment. I made the determination I would think nothing about work, no studying or preparing for the test I will have to take after my ninety day probationary period commences. I would remove myself from the influence of my new professional environment. The second factor is a classical guitar concert I attended last night in Shaker Heights by the Serbian artist Ana Vidovic. She was a delight, a beautiful meditation within sound and vision, however the crowd left me cold, feeling distant and out of my element, a calm matter-of-fact aversion of not belonging, a feeling subtlety establishing permanency. Discernment identified, the nocturnal conclusion is that if nothing moves forward with the Hospice of the Western Reserve this week, the fact must be interpreted as a solemn sign. Assumption Abbey will resume as the religious vocation God intends. The inspiration and invigoration arising during my training with the Hospice cannot be denied, yet the silence is bewildering. I felt a profound connection with the calling and the organization’s administrators. I called last week, being informed my paperwork was in order and I would be receiving a call from my organizer within days. Nothing. Nothing for three weeks. I will pursue with effort, tomorrow going to the hospice’s corporate office, asking to meet with one of the women conducting the training sessions, presenting my startled and upset reaction that it has been over three weeks and I have received absolutely no response. If matters do not progress toward certainty, it must be conclusively determined I have no calling with the hospice. My focus returns singularly upon North Dakota. Words from the Henry Suso biography:
Neither was Henry any more natural and at ease within himself than he was with his fellows. For a while all would go well and he would be happy in this more complete service of God, but such seasons of good cheer were followed by periods of depression and temptation. He would consider within himself that, after all, there had been nothing really wrong with the life he had been leading, a mediocre religious life of conformity, and so there could be no reason in making himself singular by trying to better it. Many good people contrived to get the best out of both worlds, and why should he set himself out to be different? At times those questions fretted him almost beyond endurance, for at the bottom of his heart he knew that for him the spiritual life must be all or nothing.