Preparing for a trip east

My solitary chapel of new assignment was not so solitary today. In fact, it was full, only one chair providing. Sitting in prayer, I realized others would soon be approaching, one in particular marking in distinction. Not to be strange, yet the first time I saw her, suddenly looking over in church, I knew she would play a part in my life. I am leery regarding letting others in. Ramona took off angry, upset I would not push Carter regarding his refusal to house Luke. I prayed on matters before approaching Carter, determining his decision would be the will of God. Right or wrong, I discerned God was asking Ramona to relinquish control, to make sacrifices and accept the travesty of her homelessness. To move in with Carter and I, as if everything was okay, God could not abide. I challenged her a bit in a text, asking her to grasp the severity of her homelessness, accepting responsibility, advising her to find a shelter for Luke, to give away that which she was convinced she could not live without. She exploded in a tirade, screaming I had no right to judge her. I did not know her. I meant nothing to her and that spiritually I was corrupt and predatory in dealing with her. She was convinced I was seeking only to control and dominate her. It all seemed bizarre and burdensome. I can only imagine she has chosen to go off living in her vehicle, so my prayers are centered upon her. I am relieved to be alone, looking forward to Massachusetts, holding lightly to the summer vacation in Spain, while centering myself firmly within prayer. I will be leery, while tuned to the voice of God, regarding fellowship at St Clare. Single people, those unable to establish intimate adult relationships, in reality individuals playing at life and spiritual endeavors, scare me profoundly. Recognizing the single life is a vocation, I am convinced few are called by God to such a life. The proliferation of individuals unable to establish a family unit within their life is not a call from God, rather a generational breaking down of civility, a selfishness centering individuals within brokenness and lacking. The mortifying where-with-all to humble one’s self in the manner of Joseph and Mary, or to give one’s self to a consecrated religious vocation, has regressed into shallow lives built upon fear, pride and ego; the utilizing of religion to pursue one’s self, a lacking in regard to the pursuit of perfection. Unable to prosper in meaningful mature relationships, religion is substituted as an elevating tool, and weapon, to bolster self-esteem and supersede the inherent longing to love. Superiority means more than being a loving equal. How can we expect to have a loving relationship with God, when we cannot even have loving relationships with others?


Leave a reply