My employment probationary period is complete, my testing successfully satisfied. I have attained the rank of top electrician at work. There is room for growth. An engineering technician position aligns with my qualifications. Taking matters a day at a time, I recognize there is so much to learn. I have never applied myself regarding employment. Potentialities intrigue. I become more confident daily, recognizing alcoholic personality remnants are truly my greatest obstacle. I possess an insecure, pessimistic, overly-critical attitude toward my work, always hard on myself, stressing out and making everything more difficult than it should be. My pace becomes frantic and manic all too often. My mental state is an agitated flight and fight desperation, an internal screaming, complaining, cussing, and overall collapse into panic. I assume the worst the majority of the time. I tend to talk to others unsure of myself, displaying an exterior persona devoid of confidence. Others of lesser ability and intellect can dominate me simply through bravado. Yet overall I am learning to trust in God, abandoning fear and an obsessive disposition demanding perfection. My employer and coworkers like me as an electrician/mechanic and a man. I do not fear. If I am no good, lacking in ability, so be it. I do not fear failure. God blessed me with a decent intellect, a solid work ethic, and the ability to get along with others. I have all the skills necessary to excel at work. With Saturday and Sunday off, I am able to concentrate upon my future with the satisfaction of knowing financially I can prosper. The religious life calls, yet first I must leave the world with dignity. I am still not sure what the insight, the acute awareness, declaring itself last Sunday at St Paul Shrine designates. God is going to elevate matters, providing a heightened spiritual life, yet details lack definitude. John the Hermit wants me to visit property in southern Ohio, near West Virginia, canvasing the area, investigating possibilities for a hermitage. It all seems exciting, yet so remote and exotic. It dawned on me while working that a hermit I spent time with in the distant past in Missouri might be of interest to John the Hermit. The man in Missouri is associated with Assumption Abbey, an Ozark Trappist monastery. His name is Paul Jones, a former Ivy League college professor, leaving behind a successful academic career for the remoteness of the Missouri Badlands. He has an interesting book, ‘Teaching the Dead Bird to Sing….’ detailing his efforts to settle into the life of a hermit.
I detoured from the post, reading an article by Father Paul Jones. I am exhausted. Good night.