God is good and all giving. I took an intentional break from posting yesterday. God struck hard with a severe test upon my state of being, my establishing of a new way of life enduring a rigorous examination of conscience. Tuesday my woman hungry for God and I shared lunch together at a beautiful park off Euclid Rd after noon Mass at Sacred Heart. I picked her up at headquarters, sharing a midday adventure. Our level of communication is astounding, both of us feasting upon mature spiritual and natural aspirations. Our conversations penetrate deeply toward marriage. Both fueled by failures and struggles, identify something consequential developing between us. Dropping her off at work amidst kisses and cuddling, she told me she would check if her schedule would allow the same lunch pleasantries the following day. Once at work, I sent a text inquiring if lunch was on for tomorrow. I never heard back from her. I was befuddled and hurt. As usual–per the chaos, work proved overwhelming, demanding hours of attention. I could do nothing but wonder why the silence. The work day drew to a close and still nothing from my woman hungry from God. Leaving work, I was deeply wounded. A myriad of thoughts wrestled in my mind. I was angry, wanting to lash out. I was disappointed in the callousness and irresponsibility. I was convinced everything was over. I sent her a text, apologizing for coming on too strong, explaining I am who I am and if I demand too much attention then we must part ways. I was convinced we needed to go a week without seeing each other. I struggled mightily with sending harsh words intended solely to hurt. Finally arriving home, feeling overwhelmed, I sent a text through tears that I could not take another relationship with someone constantly throwing punches at my head. I stated I made this clear that I possessed a certain vulnerability. I would not endure another intimate relationship with someone intent upon throwing punches at my head. I put myself to bed, tossing and turning unable to sleep soundly. I thought about drinking, numbing myself, yet realized the alcohol is truly done–the devastating destructive effect is clearly recognized and feared. All I could do was concentrate upon the will of God, attempting with the best of my discernment why this was happening. Closely examining my conscience, the realization struck she discovered my blogging efforts. I once briefly mentioned the blog, yet I tell no one. Those who read, read by the promptings of God. I have written in depth regarding her life in this blog, exposing and revealing. I have not been paying attention to the number of readers, and then researching I discovered a sharp increase has occurred. Over thirty a day have been reading my personal journaling through my recovery from severe alcoholism through the passionate embracing of my beloved Catholicism. I was sure my woman hungry for God was led to the blog and felt betrayed. I prayed deeply regarding my efforts, not comfortable, yet preceding, always I work with a slightly veiled anonymity. I am convinced God has worked stronger in my life through this blog, however now reality dealt the blow that it would cost me my woman hungry for God. There could be no other explanation for her silence, for the fact she would eliminate contact between us. I stared into deep hurt, blank and numb, yet still trusting God. I would not judge nor analyze her decision. I knew I could not let her go without a fight. The reality of how strongly I cared for her urged me on to greater heights. This one was not getting away without a fight. Through the hours of the night, I thought about everything, clearly establishing I must make the effort of righting the ship. I must caringly state my case why we must endure toward permanency, loving one another within the temporal, hearts focused eternally. I knew she woke at 5:30 AM, with her sister departing a bit earlier. I was knocking on her door at 5:30. I drove to her home with dread dominating my heart. My last texts to her at four in the morning stated I loved her, while announcing the fact I was devastated and sick to my stomach. She opened her door to me lovingly, inviting me in, expressing the fact she recognized I was a mess. She begged to know what was going on for she could not recognize where my mind was at in my text. She trusted me. She needed to talk. She exclaimed I was ignoring her text, talking around her, ignoring all her words. I was stunned, asking ‘your words?’ I showed her my phone, the fact I had not received a text from her since two in the afternoon the previous day. She was puzzled showing me her phone and the text she had been sending me throughout the day and through the night. I laughed, recognizing the work of God, confident I did ok. Through a morning of research, I still have not determined why she is receiving my text and I am not receiving hers. I receive other text and she properly sends text to other receivers. We are not sure why this technical difficulty came about and still exist. It will be worked out. She gave me her phone, instructing me to fix the problem. She is able to utilize her work phone in the meantime. Severely tested, I did well. I did not think of alcohol. I did not resort to anger, recusing into self-righteousness and hate. If my woman hungry for God determined to move forward without me I would allow her to go. I would set her free with only love in my heart. Now face-to-face, she was mine, giving herself freely, calling me forth into cuddling, continuing the conversation in whispers, holding, and kisses. I told her of the blog, the way I wrote about her, leaving nothing unknown between us. She stated she trusted me, feeling no need to explore the blog. If it helps you heal, continued forward she encouraged. I knew within my trust in God, my trust in her grows stronger every day. Within our imperfections, we are focused acutely upon perfection. She expressed a favorite Kahlil Gibran quote regarding love: And think not you can guide the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, shall guide your course. Love will shape and form when one is worthy. God is good and all giving.