Monthly Archives: May 2016

Arraigned Words

Bringing on the subtle laziness of detachment,
Everything becomes less scary,
The sun, the moon and the stars,
Immensity beyond individuality, a creature amidst creation,
It so easy when you are no longer a child being a child,
The reflections of a past forgotten on into that which can never be forgotten,
The hurt and the wounds healed amidst recovery and reception,
Walking tall leads to sitting still, why the need to move?
The appropriateness of a cool breeze and a bright-eyed aggressive cat observing longingly,
Separation lovingly, released alone on into waywardness,
All of this and heaven too,
Which ‘way’ was calling when there were so many shouts and screaming,
Declaring and announcing, arguing and debating, fighting and pretending,
Everything is quieter under the intense stare of eternity,
It’s no wonder no one gets out of here alive,
Let alone sane and stable, sound and vision perceiving precisely,
Smashed into a colorful nonbeing of sensual suspension, the powerlessness of losing a life,
See the center expanding in all directions without seeing, a point bursting forward amidst many,
Tendencies exploding, dispositions dispensing, practice and peace guiding, only three remain,
Anger, thrashing, vice and sinfulness weighing heavily, a moth on into a flame,
Moment by moment the vibrations encircle one another advancing before dispersing,
On into nothingness and not knowing another begins,
An end leads to a beginning, a beginning follows an end,
A Savior resurrected, assumed to the right hand,
Who can bring a weeping angel into the equation?
It takes an outside force to bring about cessation,
A providing mother gracing preparation and presentation,
Mathematically figuring not the force of the Paraclete,
Infusion and grace, non-effort imprinting, dragged through a wilderness of quietness,
Assuming the bigger better things are best not to presume,
Many uncertain smiles and apprehension muddled within faith, hope, and charity,
A Paris café and music dancing, trying to find adventure,
The sky blue with clouds meandering filled with blasts of chirping,
Tango sounding from the ghetto, three stepping on without worldly intention,
You were so wise when you were young and confused,
Now blissfully dumb it’s easy to scratch the scars from your face,
Healing on into emptiness, tears erase.


Deep healing

I am struggling in the relationship realm, not trying to focus too acutely upon the moment.  Details becoming more pronounced than reality, I do not want to make too much of every breath.  There is a large element of my personality attached to drama. The need for declarative statements, the need to always be right, is plaguing.  I have been singular in my life, an addiction developing, a cantankerous disagreeable mindset forming, argumentative in reproach and approach.  Rital gives herself completely to me, unwavering in her commitment, sincere in her interest in the things I enjoy. She loves my music, deeply penetrating meaning, understanding exactly what I am attracted to, comprehending my insight.  Our time together is blessed with easy and natural compatibility, a flowing to our exchange, an ease socializing together.  We make an interesting couple in presentation, enjoying others and communal conversation splendidly together. There are concerns, areas that need addressed, counseling necessary to move solidly into permanency, wedding vows with Catholic authenticity.  Yesterday, I was confrontational, agitating and mean with her.  I wanted to make a point, therefore felt the need to establish superiority, wounding and discombobulating her.  She becomes profoundly hurt, a longing in her core begging forth love.  I can cripple and nearly inflict fatal wounds.  I have the power to call forth all her brokenness into another culminating experience of pain, rejection, humiliation, and failure.  She surrenders to me and grants me this power.  I understand I am attached to the notion I am a spiritual superior, advanced beyond her practice.  It stuns me to perceive the reality within myself.  Yet I also do not want to stay committed to her out of pity.  We have become consumed with our relationship to the point of neglecting our spiritual lives.  It is natural, understandable in the realm of imperfection.  Avoiding obsessiveness, crippled by delusionary perfection, I anchor myself with the reality my faith comes first.  I cannot blame her if my solid spiritual exercises are wavering.  It is in my relationship with Christ that all things flow, including my courting of Rits.  She is understanding, yet within the fact exists danger.  To have one loyal to your word, wavering under your command, desiring nothing more than to have you close is debilitating.  It allows me to blame her for everything, to find fault in her as a recompense for my own faults. Instead of being a loving companion, I become a dominating master.  I do not like this aspect of me, shocked to see it emerging.  Sidestepping dramatics, I do not over-react to an over-reaction.  Again all things flow from my relationship with Christ.  Rita I will not allow to be destroyed by my angry nature.  Within another who loves me, I see the worst of myself.

Prophet Hosea and the healing process through God.

“Come, let us return to the LORD;
for he has torn us, that he may heal us;
he has stricken us, and he will bind us up. 
After two days he will revive us;
on the third day he will raise us up,
that we may live before him. 

In God the orphan finds mercy…

I will heal their faithlessness;

God lovingly calls out:

I will love them freely,
for my anger has turned from them…
“Therefore, behold, I will allure her,
and bring her into the wilderness,
and speak tenderly to her. 
And there I will give her vineyards,
and make the Valley of Achor a door of hope.
And there she shall answer as in the days of her youth…

A video about becoming whole



Luminous Meekiness

The apostolate of reason is always a necessity: there is always need of those who can explain and defend the faith; state it in terms which can be understood by the contemporary mind; indeed it may be that now more than ever before this necessity weighs upon us.  And yet perhaps it is not the supreme task of today. The world gets very tired of argument.  It would be more accurate to say that the labors of reason alone are not the supreme task. The world gets very tired of argument which spring only from the head.  You need to have a very firm and very clear grasp of the truth, and you need to be able to state it clearly; but if you want people not only to listen politely but to keep your words in their hearts and be changed by them, then you must become, through the power of the Holy Spirit, the sort of person who draws people—disturbs and uproots them without their knowing why.  He is what he is.  The supreme task of today is a question of being: because it is a question of bringing back to the world the direct experience of the power of love in the world; it is a question of bringing the world face to face with the immensity of the Paraclete, the Strengthener, filling and shining through the bodies of men.  When you have been shaken to the roots of your being by the mere presence of someone who stands for a truth, then you are impelled to examine the truth he stands for, and predisposed to apprehend it.  “Kindle within them the fire of Thy love”: then “they shall be re-created, and Thou shalt renew the face of the earth”.  –Father Gerald Vann ‘The Divine Pity’

Father Gerald Vann

Father Gerald Vann



…I have much more to tell you, but you cannot bear it now…

Brothers and sisters:
Therefore, since we have been justified by faith,
we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ,
through whom we have gained access by faith
to this grace in which we stand,
and we boast in hope of the glory of God.
Not only that, but we even boast of our afflictions,
knowing that affliction produces endurance,
and endurance, proven character,
and proven character, hope,
and hope does not disappoint,
because the love of God has been poured out into our hearts
through the Holy Spirit that has been given to us.

Romans 5:1-5


Live in me, Jesus Master

Master, Your life traces out the path for me; Your teachings confirm and light up my steps; Your grace strengthens and sustains me along the journey to heaven. You are the perfect Master. You teach and give example and encouragement to us, the disciples who follow You.

Master, You have the words of eternal life. Transform my mind and my thoughts with Yours. You enlighten every person, and You are Truth itself; I want to reason things out only as You taught, to think as You think. Live in my mind, O Jesus Truth.

Your life is the way, the only secure and true way. In the stable, at Nazareth, on Calvary, You traced out for us the divine path of love for the Father, of love for humanity; to the point of total sacrifice. Make me know Your way, and in every moment may I be able to place my feet in Your footsteps. Any other way is wide and is not Your way. I want what You want; transform my will into Yours.

Transform my heart with Your heart. Transform my love of God, of self, and of neighbor, with Your love. Transform my sinful human life with Your divine life. May this life manifest itself in all I do. “May the life of Christ be manifest in my body,” as it was in Saint Paul, who said “Christ lives in me”. Live in me, O Jesus, eternal and substantial life.

Blessed James Alberione


A return to service

It has been several weeks since I have conducted a vigil. The calling is so clear when providing presence. Today, the elderly woman, a mother of three daughters, rested unresponsive a Rosary wrapped around her hands. Her eyes wandered, looking about calmly. Her daughter sat with her, providing pleasant conversation. After sitting an hour plus visiting, I determined it was appropriate to ask her daughter if I could pray a Rosary with the patient. During the second mystery, seven beads into the mystery, a woman walked in, Rosary in hand. She turned out to be a hospice spiritual care provider. The woman finished the Rosary with us, the timing wonderful. Afterwards, we all discussed a priest visiting, last rites having already been performed. Humbly, within communal communication, we determined it would be the culmination and celebration of the woman’s lifetime dedication, obedience, and devotion to the Catholic Church to have her priest visit and bless her. The spiritual care provider sought the matter through, informing us the priest would visit that evening. Everything coalesces into acceptance and the releasing of thought. I am humbled to be placed into service.


Revitalization through humble fellowship

An interesting post-Arise gathering yesterday at St Clare.  We are getting together every other week, with myself missing the last one due to employment training.  The post yesterday reflecting upon Virtues, Theological (infused) and Cardinal (human), was conducted with respect to the fellowship focused upon the enriching of faith, hope, and charity through a concentration upon morality grounded within defining through the Catechism.  Something deeper occurred relating to personal direction.  I felt myself drawing away from the group due to an act of my own, an inability to resolve a situation.  My tendency to pull away and disappear ruled my thoughts.  There is a gentleman I introduced to the group who severely disrupted the relevancy of matters, misdirecting efforts through narcissism and delusion.  It turns out that at the last session I missed, the ecclesiastical minister organizing the curriculum confronted the gentleman, directly communicating the fact there were guidelines strictly directing interaction.  RENEW International fosters spiritual renewal in the Catholic tradition by empowering individuals and communities to encounter God in everyday life, deepen and share faith, and connect faith with action.  I was so impressed with the structure demanded by the organization I posted it during Lent.  There was an absolute commitment to enrichment, the deemphasizing of personality and individual domination–a maturity regarding communal communication I instantly recognized.  The friend, a man of keen intellect; an artist, writer, actor, demonstrates concretely the fringe element spirituality I find myself moving away from.  The absorption into individuality, the need to dominate conversation, reflecting an air of superiority, wisdom singular in possession, while in reality are the soundings of a man living a life lacking employment, single in family life, devoid of intimate interaction, delusional in brutal honesty.  There is no doubt God works through all of His creation.  The man performs powerfully in his one-man theatrical acts, yet relevancy regarding simple penetrating intimate interaction remains distant.  The desperate need to say brilliant things, rather than the ability to flow with the moment through obedience, insightful respect, humility is impossible due to an intense attachment to individual accomplishment.  Faith, hope, and charity are rendered ineffectual due to a dependence upon grandiose human doing.  Immense thought revealing an impressive intellect usurps human behavior imitating Jesus, exposing grotesquely the lacking of wisdom and understanding. The desire for sweet consolations stamps upon the penetrating efficacy of proper self-knowledge.  It is a statement regarding my spiritual demands at this time.  My growth in sobriety dictates the need for simplicity, an honesty allowing individuals able to live humbly in familial bonding.  Self-perceived imposing individuals enamored with themselves through a grand exercising of Catholicism while living the life of detached singles has played itself out.  I seek something meeker, something more challenging.  My relationship with Rita presents frailties, areas of concern and psychological inefficiencies.  I am convinced God desires the strengthening of character an intimate romantic relationship demands.  The exercising of love, the intimate caring, sharing, and nurturing with another matures in a way singular efforts due not call forth.  It is difficult for me.  Necessary healing takes place.  Both of us being absolved.  The receiving is just as important as the giving.  Rita just called, scheduling a vigil for tomorrow morning with a devout Catholic woman passing away in Westlake.  My vigil service has been void for the last couple weeks, a concentration upon my romantic life taking precedent.  The time away allowed personal cultivation.  Within the settling into a profound intimate relationship now emerges a return to a prayer life directed by the Hospice.  Meandering in thought, trusting in direction, I repose to silence.