I discovered a new passion today. Flying is wonderful. At fifty, I have never flown. I found the experience exhilarating. Wonderful.

I want to preface this quote from Henry Suso’s ‘The Exemplar: The Life of the Servant’ with the comment it is important, words to consider deeply.  Take them slow.

…Brother John, showed him in a vision the delightful beauty by which his soul had been transfigured.  From him also the servant begged for the answer to a question.  This was: Which of all the exercises was the one that caused a person the most hardship and was most useful?  He received the answer that nothing was more painful and profitable for a person that for him, with an attitude of detachment, to go out from God with patience toward himself and thus leave God for the sake of God.

Let’s repeat that ending. …leave God for the sake of God. 

For the sake of internal cleansing, a feat complex in proper doing, can I forget about God and focus upon myself.  Avoiding selfishness and self-absorption, concentrating upon weaknesses, psychological frailties, personal shortcomings, character defects can I abandon self-righteous conduct and thoughts focused upon God and look sternly in the mirror?  With the assistance of qualified others can I conduct painful insightful self-examination?  Is a personal inventory more important than personal glorification in God?

Humbly and honestly, I feel gifted with a strong prayer life, yet I realize psychological conditions, worldly matters cannot be left behind during prayer.  I cannot escape into God in order to ignore myself.  It is not proper to pray devotedly while not growing as a man.  My former spiritual partner stressed to me Aquinas thought that grace builds upon nature.  I am going through an intensely emotional and troubling time with that former spiritual partner.  As much as she has done for me, we are absolutely destroying each other right now.  It was so difficult to go into prayer today. During the plane ride, I observed the marvel of seeing the skies for the first time from above.  The sights filled me with awe and wonder, intensifying my love for God.  I love flying.  However through the splendor of high flying, while praying the Rosary, Divine Mercy, and holding silence, my head felt like it was going to split from the stress and pressure that overwhelms my life.  Lack of sleep troubling horribly today.  Necessary actions hurt.  My eyes had trouble focusing, my whole sense of being is discombobulated, disjointed, and off kilter.  I despise it, however it must be endured, passed through and properly dealt with.  Aggressive, I seek solutions.  I love on a deep and passionate level, taking the Song of Songs serious.  I remember leaving the friary how intensely Father David Mary and myself fought.  Like lions fighting over a fresh kill, we tore at each other.  I am not saying it is right.  It is human and the way we encountered.  Neither of us being truly a bad guy.  We were two men of God absolutely in collusion–I use that word specifically  Collusion defined:a secret agreement, especially for fraudulent or treacherous purposes; conspiracy and Law. a secret understanding between two or more persons to gain something illegally, to defraud another of his or her rights, or to appear as adversaries though in agreement: example collusion of husband and wife to obtain a divorce.  There is so much more to it than just circumstances with Father David Mary, myself and the former spiritual partner: Subconscious issues from individual lives.  Mine: a life of severe alcoholism, parental issues, and intimate relationship issues.  Father David Mary a volatile blue collar New York City upbringing.  We must be so careful when interacting with each other in a deeply spiritual manner.  I saw it in the friary so piercingly.  We are vulnerable in a brutally damaging way when we open ourselves spiritually to one another.  I am positive the majority of people trying to guide others do as much damage as good.  Unfortunately, the damage usurps the good. True teachers are few and far between. That includes myself!!!  Be careful, kind and tender with one another’s souls.  This is no game.  Can we leave God in order to allow others to move closer to God?  I remember homily words from a priest: be careful when you are crowding around the tabernacle that your greatest achievement is not blocking others from the Eucharist.

Can I abandon evangelizing in order to grow interiorly?  Can I forsake being a Bible scholar, a recognized knowledgeable man of scripture, in order to allow scripture to penetrate those things that block me from Christ?  Can I detach from my religious reputation in order to strengthen humility and understand myself better?  Do I cling to the idea of being a spiritual superior over reducing my pride in order to draw closer to God?  Do I see myself as a provider of graces for others, rather than an honest sharing equal to my brother and sisters in Christ?  Can I disown seeing myself as a spiritual director in order to cleanse my fleshly vessel?  Can I quit the idea of giving others advice how to properly follow Christ in order to purify the temple of my body?  Can I stay silent when others ramble about spiritual matters?  Do I see myself as a teacher amongst others rather than servant of Christ?  Do I judge and use God as a weapon to bolster myself? Can I remain hidden, focusing upon my devotion to Mary, relying upon Her assistance in approaching Her Son, rather than being a clanging gong?  Do I allow Mary to dispense graces?  Do I use religion to elevate my self-esteem?  Can I quietly receive communion, absolutely absorbed within the presence entering my body, avoiding self-consciousness, thoughts of God and Holy matters?  Can I sit before the Eucharist quiet and still.

…leave God for the sake of God.