One dark night,
Fired with love’s urgent longings
ah, the sheer grace!
I went out unseen,
my house being now all stilled.
Stilling my house within a socially active life is more difficult than if I were graced with the path of a cloistered monk. Every life has its challenges, identifying the unique difficulties is important. When I started this blog, I concentrated upon finding an individual path within the vastness of the Church, being able to connect to Christ while finding my proper role within the Church. I must soundly establish Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior, while abiding, adoring, in obedience to the Church, and thus within everything surrendering to the love of my Holy Mother, also turning to the strength and inspiration of the saints. A strong prayer life and devotion to the Eucharist are my greatest weapons. It is a complex process leading to simplicity that allows love to reign supreme in my life.
My thoughts go in this direction after several recovery experiences. The demands well intended people in the recovery world make upon one another can be overwhelming. To be able to absorb what is good for me to keep me socially active, alert and thriving in the real world, also brings forth complexities and demands that are easy to wage war upon. In an early Monday morning meeting there is a gentleman intent upon establishing himself as my guru, a spiritual director, a knower of all things that must be adhered to if one is going to successfully recover from a life of severe alcoholism. I relish the man’s input, yet serious flaws easily emerge. He could never be my spiritual director. Today, observing him aggressively attempting to convince a new young man court ordered to attend meetings I felt sorry for the man. He is so intent upon others recognizing his spiritual superiority it is distressing to observe. He is an intelligent, successful man, however his demand to establish himself as a teacher hinders his spiritual life. My challenge is not to fight him, while remaining open and willing to listen to him. He possesses wisdom. The greatest lesson he may provide is the practicing of the principle of being vulnerable while also strong, malleable yet distinct in purpose. I would also like to add that the easy comment of praying for someone one finds offensive while loving them can be superficial and shallow; a subversive, passively aggressive way of avoiding interior reflection, raising one’s self above, while allowing perceived righteousness to nurture negative growth. God does not want my prayers and love for others that I have judged inferior and wrong. I am positive he would rather I accept the honesty of the situation, especially regarding my faults and accountability. How does God truly see the situation, the judged will be judged.
The idea of finding my place within the Church, able to grow spiritually demands that with growth I maintain proper perspective, not allowing advancement to allow pride to fertilize ambition that seeks only personal satisfaction or sweet spiritual consolations. I relate everything to another gentleman I encountered, a strange man with a complex story I have not fully digested, still sorting through the details, accepting mysteries and incongruities. I like his presence. I know he is a holy man just shaking his hand, blessed to hold hands with him praying the ‘Our Father’. The man an extreme business success, maintaining years of sobriety, a solid family life, and active within the Church, was sentenced to eight years in prison due to a critical indiscretion with a young lady. He stated once his innocence and a disastrous plea bargain. A heavy hitting lawyer I spoke with later told me he never saw such a sentence, and the fact current law would not allow the sentence due to the nature of the crime and the fact he possessed no criminal record. By current law, the man could not be sentenced to more than a year in prison. Regardless of justice or injustice, the man now sees his time in prison as a grace, a time of ascetic monasticism he needed. Imprisoned older, in his late fifties, he served his time amongst an elderly group–some lifers focused upon their Catholic faith. In prison, concentrating upon the Church, turning to Mary, seeking Jesus with all his heart, the man revealed the wisdom of God within his life, advancing everything to the most remarkable story of a heart attack in prison. The physical dramatics and pain of suffering a heart attack brought forth joy and visions of the divine. It is an extraordinary story, supernatural. Disregarding the overwhelming dramatics of the man’s story, told in such a simple peaceful manner, level-headed—no need at all for acceptance by others, produced a profound message regarding grace. This man authentically saw God’s grace as an eight year prison sentence, a sentence others quickly point out as unjust, and a heart attack. The stilling of his house occurred within the Big House and was maintained through a near fatal heart attack
God’s ways are mysterious, may I remain strong while becoming weak, in the process learning to properly discern God’s voice.
One dark night,
Fired with love’s urgent longings
ah, the sheer grace!
I went out unseen,
my house being now all stilled.
