Monthly Archives: April 2015

Apr272015

Discernment

One dark night,
Fired with love’s urgent longings
ah, the sheer grace!
I went out unseen,
my house being now all stilled.

Stilling my house within a socially active life is more difficult than if I were graced with the path of a cloistered monk. Every life has its challenges, identifying the unique difficulties is important. When I started this blog, I concentrated upon finding an individual path within the vastness of the Church, being able to connect to Christ while finding my proper role within the Church. I must soundly establish Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior, while abiding, adoring, in obedience to the Church, and thus within everything surrendering to the love of my Holy Mother, also turning to the strength and inspiration of the saints.  A strong prayer life and devotion to the Eucharist are my greatest weapons. It is a complex process leading to simplicity that allows love to reign supreme in my life.

My thoughts go in this direction after several recovery experiences. The demands well intended people in the recovery world make upon one another can be overwhelming. To be able to absorb what is good for me to keep me socially active, alert and thriving in the real world, also brings forth complexities and demands that are easy to wage war upon. In an early Monday morning meeting there is a gentleman intent upon establishing himself as my guru, a spiritual director, a knower of all things that must be adhered to if one is going to successfully recover from a life of severe alcoholism. I relish the man’s input, yet serious flaws easily emerge. He could never be my spiritual director. Today, observing him aggressively attempting to convince a new young man court ordered to attend meetings I felt sorry for the man. He is so intent upon others recognizing his spiritual superiority it is distressing to observe. He is an intelligent, successful man, however his demand to establish himself as a teacher hinders his spiritual life. My challenge is not to fight him, while remaining open and willing to listen to him. He possesses wisdom. The greatest lesson he may provide is the practicing of the principle of being vulnerable while also strong, malleable yet distinct in purpose. I would also like to add that the easy comment of praying for someone one finds offensive while loving them can be superficial and shallow; a subversive, passively aggressive way of avoiding interior reflection, raising one’s self above, while allowing perceived righteousness to nurture negative growth. God does not want my prayers and love for others that I have judged inferior and wrong. I am positive he would rather I accept the honesty of the situation, especially regarding my faults and accountability. How does God truly see the situation, the judged will be judged.

The idea of finding my place within the Church, able to grow spiritually demands that with growth I maintain proper perspective, not allowing advancement to allow pride to fertilize ambition that seeks only personal satisfaction or sweet spiritual consolations. I relate everything to another gentleman I encountered, a strange man with a complex story I have not fully digested, still sorting through the details, accepting mysteries and incongruities. I like his presence. I know he is a holy man just shaking his hand, blessed to hold hands with him praying the ‘Our Father’. The man an extreme business success, maintaining years of sobriety, a solid family life, and active within the Church, was sentenced to eight years in prison due to a critical indiscretion with a young lady. He stated once his innocence and a disastrous plea bargain. A heavy hitting lawyer I spoke with later told me he never saw such a sentence, and the fact current law would not allow the sentence due to the nature of the crime and the fact he possessed no criminal record. By current law, the man could not be sentenced to more than a year in prison. Regardless of justice or injustice, the man now sees his time in prison as a grace, a time of ascetic monasticism he needed. Imprisoned older, in his late fifties, he served his time amongst an elderly group–some lifers focused upon their Catholic faith. In prison, concentrating upon the Church, turning to Mary, seeking Jesus with all his heart, the man revealed the wisdom of God within his life, advancing everything to the most remarkable story of a heart attack in prison. The physical dramatics and pain of suffering a heart attack brought forth joy and visions of the divine. It is an extraordinary story, supernatural. Disregarding the overwhelming dramatics of the man’s story, told in such a simple peaceful manner, level-headed—no need at all for acceptance by others, produced a profound message regarding grace. This man authentically saw God’s grace as an eight year prison sentence, a sentence others quickly point out as unjust, and a heart attack. The stilling of his house occurred within the Big House and was maintained through a near fatal heart attack

God’s ways are mysterious, may I remain strong while becoming weak, in the process learning to properly discern God’s voice.

One dark night,
Fired with love’s urgent longings
ah, the sheer grace!
I went out unseen,
my house being now all stilled.

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Apr262015

Christ the Shepherd

christ-the-good-shepherd

Shepherd me, O God, beyond my wants,
beyond my fears, from death into life.

God is my shepherd, so nothing I shall want,
I rest in the meadows of faithfulness and love,
I walk by the quiet waters of peace.

Shepherd me, O God, beyond my wants,
beyond my fears, from death into life.

I recall in the friary reading the prophet Ezekiel for what seemed like endless days. There was something strange about the reading. Intent upon completing the book, words began to drag, sentence after sentence meaningless in interpretation. Holy Hours went by with nothing happening, my efforts seemingly futile. I persevered, moving forward with or without consolations. Then I came to chapter thirty-four. Lights turned on, everything became profound, self-consciousness disappeared, awareness emerged. The idea of God being the shepherd, the ultimate necessity of Jesus expanded. The words took on life, protecting and sheltering, bringing forth tears of relief.

Thus says the Lord GOD…shepherds of Israel who have been feeding yourselves! Should not shepherds feed the sheep? You eat the fat, you clothe yourselves with the wool, you slaughter the fatlings; but you do not feed the sheep. The weak you have not strengthened, the sick you have not healed, the crippled you have not bound up, the strayed you have not brought back, the lost you have not sought, and with force and harshness you have ruled them. So they were scattered, because there was no shepherd; and they became food for all the wild beasts. My sheep were scattered, they wandered over all the mountains and on every high hill; my sheep were scattered over all the face of the earth, with none to search or seek for them. “Therefore, you shepherds, hear the word of the LORD: As I live, says the Lord GOD, because my sheep have become a prey, and my sheep have become food for all the wild beasts, since there was no shepherd; and because my shepherds have not searched for my sheep, but the shepherds have fed themselves, and have not fed my sheep; therefore, you shepherds, hear the word of the LORD: Thus says the Lord GOD, Behold, I am against the shepherds; and I will require my sheep at their hand, and put a stop to their feeding the sheep; no longer shall the shepherds feed themselves. I will rescue my sheep from their mouths, that they may not be food for them. “For thus says the Lord GOD: Behold, I myself will search for my sheep, and will seek them out. As a shepherd seeks out his flock…I myself will be the shepherd of my sheep, and I will make them lie down, says the Lord GOD. I will seek the lost, and I will bring back the strayed, and I will bind up the crippled, and I will strengthen the weak, and the fat and the strong I will watch over;…

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Apr242015

Nonsense

Grudge imagined loss, the final pain, the endless cost, baffling, the torment of will inflicted, battling the cunning,
Children assembling puzzles, the fun not so real, always out guessing, the fractured remembrance of a breakdown, it never happen, it never was, breaking out into cascading waves, dissimulate the creature, remove the mask, resist the anger,
Skipping stones upon a crystal clear landing, the Creator, a reflection calls, the ever serene, broken bits of splashes, echoing into disorder, the unending dream, unseen, delusional capacity, criminal tenacity,
You try to run from Me, run from Me, run from Me,
You try to hide from Me, hide from Me, hide from Me,
Tripping, fenced in, a comfortable front porch, a rocking chair emptying back and forth, a lattice, crosses desperately decorating, defining dwindling boundaries, respecting truth while spitting lies,
In company, no harboring the rebel of vindication, knowing shadows, darkness aware, confident and forthright, compassion awaits, wild horses depart,
The time of many years gone by, making amends while dissolving, accumulating disintegration, something beyond someone, a drop of a dime into a wishing well,
A prayer wall forsaking weeping, emotion wallowing into detachment, desert fathers and vultures, a question spoken after the answer, the aftermath, the cleansing bath, the waiting rain,
A drop of water poured into wine, individuality lost, the remission of midnight ravens, purgatory sustained, pile on the birthing pain, enduring time after time,
Additive, it is nothing to know nothing, within the emptiness of nonexistence, within the splendid fullness, within the simple Christ.

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Apr242015

A perception of Henry Suso

Henry Suso is a bundle of contradictions, and a person, moreover, who has gathered legends about him like a snowball rolling downhill. He was a poet, which is not always a key to happiness in this world; a mystic of the highest order; a hard working Dominican; and a man with a positive genius for getting into embarrassing situations… It will require many years of exhaustive research to sort out the diverse elements in his personality, if, indeed, it can ever be accomplished. Poets are not easy to analyze, and Henry, before all else, was a poet…Henry was born in Switzerland, in 1290, the son of a warlike family of counts and crusaders. His father said more than once that he wished Henry had been a girl and some of his spirited daughters had been boys; for Henry was not a type to carry a sword. Henry was a gentle, dreamy lad, who liked to accompany his mother on pilgrimages and read about heroic deeds. He had taken his mother’s name of Suso, perhaps out of sheer inability to live up to the warlike title of the Count von Berg…The best known work of Henry Suso is his Little Book of Eternal Wisdom, which is a classic of spiritual writing. He also composed many other short treatises on the mystical union of the soul with God, all written with the same poetic language and the same intensity of feeling. The man who had carved “the lovely name of Jesus” into the flesh over his heart was just as intense in his spiritual life. –Marie Jean. ‘St. Dominic’s Family’

I have the feeling Henry Suso would relish this not so flattering portrayal of his individuality.

henry-suso

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Spiritual strife

I decided to post a video of Father David Mary.  I came across this older video, the Franciscan Brothers Minor visiting Assisi. It captures the brother’s fun loving easy going natural camaraderie, their authentic affinity for one another. They are serious devout religious men enjoying life in community. Passionate men, we definitely had our squabbles, yet overall I have never been a part of a group that truly enjoyed each others company so deeply, communal prayer was awesome, nightly Rosary, often before exposed Eucharist, singing Salve Regina to end the night. Father David Mary angry with me for stealthily leaving, tried to hurt me, resorting to the declaration I could never pray the Rosary again with them. I had to hold back tears–my former spiritual partner causes such emotional eruptions. I am a fighter, yet vulnerable, easily wounded. I have been thinking about Father David a lot recently, considering a visit.  Our last words were screams and threats.  Father David Mary and my former spiritual partner are the two most formative people in my life.  Both relationships ended with extreme confrontation.  There was a time I could not sleep, suffering severe panic attacks, unless I knew Father David Mary was in the cell next to me.  All the brothers in this video I shared incredible experiences with.  Our prayer time together was phenomenal.  Brother Leo the chubby Philippian, authentically good natured, loving parents, excellent athlete, good friend.  Brother Lawrence, the large friar, Father David Mary’s nephew, New York City native, prayer leader.  Brother Giles, the quiet mature youthful leader, the first brother, the one who leads through silence and example, truly a contemplative, wealthy parents distraught by his chosen vocation.  The last brother to appear, another Philippian, possibly the dearest, is Brother Juniper, the one always in goofy difficult situations, funny beside himself, begrudgingly the center of attention when awkwardness reigned supreme, an architect with a master’s degree, the singer of excellent Latin.  The other two: Brother Felix, intellectual, reader of many books, and former Philadelphia punk rocker.  Brother Paschal the cook, always before the Eucharist, lover of the Eucharist.  The video brings melancholy, a sore heart, a longing.  It shapes my current situation with my former spiritual partner.  The two people who have inspired me the deepest spiritually are both people I no longer speak to.  It hurts.  There is such a combative nature to the core of my being, someone who is not content unless he is screaming.  Brokenness abounds and the flow of tears hurts profoundly, it is the story of my life.  Heavy hearted, I am honest, accepting accountability, demanding self-improvement, yet the improvement seems endless and vast.  To make oneself vulnerable in order for the purifying of the mind and body is painful, forcing one to become vulnerable to others.  Deep spiritual growth is not easy, causing intense emotion, hardship, and turmoil within one’s psyche.  At least that is my experience.

God grant us the insight to render kindness upon one another as we seek your eternal peace.

Brother Juniper sings.

A brother Juniper story from the Fioretti, The Little Flowers of St Francis. The brother Juniper I knew was exactly like the Brother Juniper St Francis knew.

Brother Juniper, desiring to make himself despicable in the sight of men, stripped himself one day of all but his inner garment; and, making a bundle of his habit and other clothes, he entered the city of Viterbo, and went half-naked into the market place, in order to make himself a laughing stock. When he got there, the boys and young men of the place, thinking him to be out of his senses, ill-treated him in many ways, throwing stones and mud at him, and pushing him hither and thither, with many words of derision; and thus insulted and evil entreated, he abode there the greater part of the day, and then went his way to the convent.

Now when the friars saw him they were full of indignation, and chiefly because he had gone thus through the city with his bundle on his head; wherefore they reproved and threatened him sharply. One said: “Let us put him in prison.” Another: “He deserves to be hanged.” And others: “He cannot be too severely punished for the scandal he has given to-day in his own person, to the injury of the whole Order.” And Brother Juniper, being full of joy, answered with all humility, “You say well indeed; for I deserve all these punishments, and far worse than these.”

As Brother Juniper was one day hearing Mass with great devotion, he fell into an ecstasy, and so continued for a long space of time. And when he came to himself, he said with great fervour of spirit to the other friars: “Oh, my brethren, who is there in this world so noble that he would disdain to carry a basket of mud all the world over, in the hope of obtaining a house full of gold?” Then he added: “Alas, why will we not endure a little shame to obtain life eternal?”

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Apr232015

Prayer guidance and inspiration from Suso

Form the suffering of Christ crucified within oneself, His sweet teachings, His gentle conduct, and His pure life, which He led as an example for us to follow, and thus through Him press further within. Afterward, as exterior preoccupations disappear, one should sit in the stillness of one’s spirit in vigorous detachment, as though one is dead to one self, never leading to oneself or being one’s own goal, but having Christ alone and the honor and glory of the heavenly Father as one’s goal. Toward others, both friends and enemies, one should act humbly and friendly.

Now when the spirit, unconscious of itself, really begins to dwell in this transfigured resplendent darkness, it becomes free of all obstacles and all that is its own, as St Bernard says….This losing of self is something divine that somehow becomes all things for him….the spirit withdraws, but not completely. It takes on certain qualities of the Godhead…it does not become God….What happens…happens by grace…something created out of nothing that remains forever…as the soul is taken in, it is freed from doubt as it becomes lost when it is separated from its individuality and is joined to what is divine while being unconscious of itself….the power of resplendent divine being, the spirit is pulled upward beyond its natural capacities into the nakedness of this nothing because it is bare of creatures of any kind….The spirit loses its own knowledge because it loses itself, lacking any awareness of self and forgetting all things. And this happened when the spirit in itself turned away from the created nature of its self and all things toward the naked uncreatedness of nothingness. –Henry Suso

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