Monthly Archives: June 2015

Jun182015

The same prayer song twice

Let’s repeat words regarding prayer from St Jane Francis de Chantal, musing, applying to others as well: …full of faith that He is more in us than we are in ourselves… Is that saying if we quiet–soothing and healing emotional and psychological disturbances and complexities associated with identity, and remain in a state of grace, we will reveal God within prayer? I am one confident I need the sheltering of the Eucharist when making myself so vulnerable. I remember Franciscan Holy Hours, evenings especially for there were two, being blessed with extreme immersion in the sanctity of the Franciscan chapel. Absorption, losing one’s self, sensing Father David Mary seated above, a seemingly soaring, roaring eagle protecting. May we always remain under the mantle of the Queen of Heaven and the Church, abiding, obedient to priest and religious, calling upon the saints and angels, especially the defender St Michael. Let us not wander aimlessly where angels fear to tread. I advance never without the presence of the Eucharist.

Sacrifice of the Eucharist

Sacrifice of the Eucharist

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Jun182015

Gospels readings on prayer, the building of presence

The last couple days the Gospel readings have centered upon prayer. Jesus edifying his disciples on proper prayer. Conducting the Our Lady Undoer of Knots novena, and the previous post regarding proper fellowship—the care and concern not to drain one another during the seeking of sanctifying grace, I was moved during the reading of the day four meditation. Absorb these words petitioning Our Holy Mother to unravel us from within: You know how it robs me of peace in my heart, but also my resources, paralyzing my entire being, impeding me from walking toward You and Jesus, in order to love You, to love myself, and to serve You with joy. Mother of mercy: undo this knot that I may be healed in both body and soul. During the prayers, contemplation focused upon the obedience of Mary. Hopefully not too pretentious, here is a touching upon of the awareness gracing before the Eucharist. Our Holy Mother’s continual acquiescing to Divine Will was more than servitude. Love dominated the Mother of Christ’s obedience.  Obedience without love is enslavement; a master/slave relationship.  Our Holy Mother knew a lover and beloved divine relationship, a spousal knowing of God. In love, constantly aware of the presence of God, she moved through life never casually, nor seeking shallow attention. I am positive Our Lady in life did not stand around insouciantly discussing theological or dogmatic concepts with others. Defining, articulating, expressing, being affirmed as correct, and explaining were not her ways. She was not a spiritual director, while interacting as a refined Christian exemplar. She is the ultimate model for the contemplative life. Her strict and serious hidden obedience erupted from an overflowing of love. A heart of love pouring forth, joy ruled her life of obedience, even her sorrows contained an underflow of joy. Love ruled interiorly. Within her womb the creation of an ultimate love formed. Within her womb, the essence of salvation sprang forth. How could not such an intense love being birthed from your body nourish and shape you? Her prayer life would be impressed by the experience, sanctioning charity, ensuring that not only did she obey God, yet she conducted every effort through sheer love. Her sorrow from the crucifixion of her son arose from a profound love, a love so penetrating it would pierce her heart eternally. It would fertilize her strength, assisting her in becoming the Queen of Heaven able to smash the head of the serpent. She loved Christ as only a mother could. A mother’s love broke her heart, yet it also established her as the Queen of Heaven. Through, with, and in everything love galvanizes the being of Our Holy Mother, defining her obedience in splendor. She loves as only the Mightiest of Mothers can.

My prayer life must be emboldened with love or it is of no consequence. I think of Ann. Many of the arguments we have are profound, worthy of inspection. I am not obsessing, rather exploring pertinent issues. Ann possesses great potential. She feels I am overly proud of my prayer life, and I have made claims of pride in my prayer life, yet the pride is based upon humility, a knowing that I am able to follow the instructions set forth by Our Lord and the saints, St. Jane Francis de Chantal instructing in yesterday’s post. Humility, the blocking of everything surrounding from attention is essential to my prayer life. Psychological and interior obstacles are a deeper matter, thus the turning to Our Lady Undoer of Knots. I think of the friary and a brother who I considered our prayer master, one able to lose himself in prayer, one able to enter his inner room, closing the door to others even amidst a crowd. One does not have to become physically isolated in order to go deeply and solitary into prayer. Strangers must have found the brother absurd. At times, he appeared ridiculous. Pulling his Capuchin hood over his head, disappearing amongst others. I have seen him kneel, clutching his heart, eyes closed, holding still for lengthy periods amidst a crowd, usually before the Blessed Sacrament. A casual observer would have to find his performance unadulterated attention seeking, yet I knew the brother. Being overly concerned about being perceived as hidden did not rule his hiddenness. He hid, while looking like a fool.  What is the axiom about something hiding right in front of us? He also did such things in the privacy of the chapel, and I am sure he conducted even further extravagances alone. A greater concentration upon the Lord motivated his methods. He was not playing games, sincerity inundated everything he did. I can attest to the depth of his spiritual maturity from a personal experience. During a group visit to a nursing home, the two of us went off together visiting rooms. We entered the room of a bedridden morbidly obese African-American woman. She was only in her forties, yet her physical condition landed her in the nursing home. The woman possessed a sweet disposition. Open, reflective, sharing, a heart bursting for attention, she greeted us with sheer joy. Brother Pio slipped into the mystical right in front of me. I could only watch in amazement. He spoke to the woman of heavenly things, divine love, mercy, salvation, pulling prayer cards from his pockets, a Rosary, a crucifix, kissing hands, touching. I cannot even explain what I saw, a light enshrouding his head, words whispered screaming in volume. The culmination came when I finally took my eyes from him, moving my attention to the woman in the bed. Smiling, tears flooding, she radiated the most loving reception of Brother Pio, peace overwhelming the woman. Leaving the room, staring at Brother Pio, I asked him, ‘what was that?’ He just laughed and winked at me, saying ‘let it be our secret’. That was years ago, so now the secret is out. My point is Ann. It is not bragging to know you are properly conducting prayer efforts and expressing it. The ruling element is the heart, and there is no denying the factor in regards to performance. It is not bragging. Telling a cherished friend is not bragging, rather it is informing. Regardless, the criticism registers and only makes one grow stronger in prayer. That is the beauty of one advancing toward God. Nothing can stop them. In truth, the opposite is truth. As St Teresa of Avila teaches, those advancing toward perfection grow the strongest through adversity. Prayer is our building block, and the Gospel readings provide Jesus’ instruction. This is the means to establish the necessary presence and ability to adhere to Divine Will, the mastering of ways that will allow the conversion of millennials, or at least a son.

Padre Pio

Padre Pio

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Jun182015

Responsibility and fellowship

Post-mass, after a Holy Hour–day three of Our Lady Undoer of Knots novena, I walked into conversation with friends talking in the lobby. One was a gentleman I enjoy through recovery efforts and a mutual enthusiasm for the Cavaliers. I had not seen him in a while so I wanted to extend fellowship. Friendly, well-intended, joyful in nature, the conversation steered into strange areas: theological issues, the questioning of a saint, critical evaluation of the younger generation.  Subjects in truth of great depth casually explored as if discussing a sporting or entertainment event . The last topic touched deeply as I have been thinking and praying a lot regarding my son and his friends—millennials. All matters reaffirm my stalwart conviction that as a contemplative my strength is my prayer life. The EUCHARIST healing, strengthening, providing is my source and literal Savior.  My daily Holy Hour is my solace, refuge, the time of complete immersion within the Divine. Interaction with others is delicate. Conversation is a seductive lady desiring to become a mistress. Fickle in nature, seeking entertainment, sensationalism and immediate gratification, depth exist not within her lairs. Conversation must be guarded, the option of presenting myself a fool, or lacking knowledge, more lucrative than the shameful glory of admiration. There are those who can lift, authentic in their defenses against casualness and the desire to say too many words about subjects best left alone. It was funny that a name was mentioned, the owner of a wonderful Catholic bookstore, an authentic individual I have lost contact with. Bible studies were being discussed and the comment was put forth that this woman declares NO Bible study unless a priest is present. I always admire her insight. She is stern, trending toward the ultra-conservative, possibly tagged with a touch of scrupulosity, yet for myself I always feel secure discussing religious matters with her.  She does not treat the religious life as a source of entertainment.  I called her this morning simply for conversation. She lifted my spirits.  We must lift one another, not draining energy. My friend in Christ is a safe haven amidst a world of complexities. I also spoke with an uplifting friend on the telephone who discussed, not complaining, discerning insight, about her difficulty after mass when a gentleman who as she put it dumped on her, speaking to her about his problems, blaming everyone in his life for his struggles. She also took a friend to a shrine for healing mass, only to be saddled with a miserable person for the day, an individual who gave her a headache with his negativity. I am convinced we must not be casual or rough upon each other during times of seeking sanctifying grace. I also bring this all forth to point out a concern for my son and his friends. I enjoyed my time with them immensely.  They are young adults of depth. They basically think of themselves as atheist, definitely nonChristian, spiritual in the sense of not subscribing to a single way of thought, embracing all wisdom, rejecting all categories, titles, and prejudices. They are intelligent, tackling life with vigor; adventurous, intelligent and compassionate in caring for others. Absolutely non-Catholic in commitment, moral and ethical, hard-working and responsible, I am convinced I engaged healthy and spiritually maturing individuals in my millennial experience. Abiding to mysteries, holding to my love of Mary, the Saints, and the Trinity—to Truth, the Fullness of Truth, knowing Truth is Truth, I pray engaging my contemplative efforts to the conversion of my son and his friends. I am convinced I must be a true man of spiritual depth, an authentic imitator of Christ to influence the millennials. My bookstore owner friend holds a prayer group every second of the month. We rise at five AM, praying three mysteries of the Rosary for the conversion of the world. What an extremely noble pursuit, yet even more an extremely difficult one. May our desire for the conversion of the world arise from love, through charity we must reach out. The need to dominate, shallowness, or casualness—the lack of personal development, unable to respect, nor admire the God given attributes and intelligence of non-Catholics just will not work, and most unChrist-like it does not ascend from love, compassion and the desire for all that is of God to return to God. Through the attaining of depth, through prayer amassing love within us, let us become channels of God’s peace, love, and understanding.  Authentically, an individual others, those advancing/maturing in non-Catholic ways, can look to and admire. Let them see us conducting behavior and a prayer life, a devotion to the Eucharist that inspires them, allowing their natural affinity for truth to say I want to try that—a religion of attraction rather than promotion. Let Our Holy Mother speak through us, rather than our desire for personal ascension to mutter words about holy ideals. NonCatholics can be smart, many smarter than us, let us not rely upon reason and cleverness when approaching them. Once again, as in all things, let us draw forth from faith, hope, and charity. More Dr Nichta wisdom, pointing to scripture, respecting his many years of seminary study, focuses upon the story of the rich young man who comes to Jesus, declaring his admiration and desire to follow Our Lord. Jesus, able to penetrate hearts and minds, looks to the young man, posing a challenge, declaring first he must give up all possessions. Attached, the young man possessing great wealth, cannot abide. He walks away. Dr Nichta stresses the importance of recognizing the respect and dignity Jesus presents to the young man, permitting self-will and personal choice when he allows the young man to walk away. Simply, he offers a choice.  Consider his divine persona, words, and glorious disposition that must have attracted to the extreme. To garner the individual attention of Jesus, a one-on-one conversation, must have been intense to the highest degree, a moment of complete self-awareness, spiritual fulfillment immediately at hand. The young man was offered a choice within a few words. He chose to remain attached, walking away. Jesus did not follow the young man berating him, declaring his lack of wisdom, deriding his lack of insight, overwhelming him with reasons and arguments why he made the wrong decision. Jesus was not consumed with being recognized as right over all other choices. He simply allowed the rich young man to walk away. It is a decisive moment to contemplate—a demonstration of the profoundness of personal choice.

Within Truth

Within Truth

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Jun172015

An Act of Abandonment

0 sovereign goodness of the sovereign Providence of my God!
I abandon myself forever to Thy arms.
Whether gentle or severe,
lead me henceforth whither Thou wilt;
I will not regard the way through which Thou wilt have me pass,
but keep my eyes fixed upon Thee,
my God, who guidest me.
My soul finds no rest without the arms
and the bosom of this heavenly Providence,
my true Mother, my strength and my rampart.
Therefore I resolve with Thy Divine assistance,
0 my Saviour,
to follow Thy desires and Thy ordinances,
without regarding or examining why Thou dost this rather than that;
but I will blindly follow Thee
according to Thy Divine will,
without seeking my own inclinations.
Hence I am determined to leave all to Thee,
taking no part therein save by keeping myself in peace in Thy arms,
desiring nothing except as Thou incitest me to desire,
to will, to wish.
I offer Thee this desire, 0 my God,
beseeching Thee to bless it;
I undertake all it includes,
relying on Thy goodness,
liberality, and mercy,
with entire confidence in Thee,
distrust of myself,
and knowledge of my infinite misery and infirmity.
Amen!

St Jane Frances de Chantal

Patience, perseverance, prayer, a plea for mercy, and a recognition of love, the presence of Divine subsistence.  Lord, You were there the whole time.  Ask, and it will be given you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.  Matthew 7:7

“We should go to prayer with deep humility and an awareness of our nothingness. We must invoke the help of the Holy Spirit and that of our good angel, and then remain still in God’s presence, full of faith that He is more in us than we are in ourselves.” –St Jane Frances de Chantal

St Jane Frances de Chantal

St Jane Frances de Chantal

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Jun172015

Franciscan adoration of the Eucharist

St Francis lover of the Eucharist, poet by nature.

Let the whole of mankind tremble
the whole world shake
and the heavens exult
when Christ, the Son of the living God,
is on the altar
in the hands of a priest.

O admirable heights
and sublime lowliness!
O sublime humility!
O humble sublimity!
That the Lord of the universe,
God and the Son of God,
so humbles Himself
that for our salvation
He hides Himself
under the little form of bread!

Look, brothers, at the humility of God
and pour out your hearts before Him!
Humble yourselves, as well,
that you may be exalted by Him.
Therefore, hold back nothing
of yourselves for yourselves
so that He Who gives Himself totally
to you may receive you totally.

St Francis, the Tau cross, and the Eucharist

St Francis, the Tau cross, and the Eucharist

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Jun162015

Petition within patience

When Jesus comes to the soul in Holy Communion he brings every grace to it, especially the grace of holy perseverance. This is the principal effect of the Most Holy Sacrament—to nourish the soul that receives it with this food of life, to give it great strength to advance to perfection and to resist those enemies who desire our death….

Patience under contempt

St Teresa reminds us, “Whoever aspires to perfection must beware of ever saying: ‘They had no right to treat me so’. If you will not bear any cross but one which is based on reason, then perfection is not for you.”

…affronts, poverty, torments, and all tribulations…when they happen to a soul who loves God they become an instrument of closer union with God and more ardent love of God. However great and grievous trouble may be, so far from extinguishing the flames of charity, they only serve to enkindle them more in a soul who loves nothing else but God. 

St Alphonsus Liguori

St Alphonsus Liguori

The above words from St Alphonsus Liguori in ‘The Holy Eucharist’ settle nicely upon the Matthew Gospel readings the last two days of mass, a personal exploration of necessity. However, I turned to them in regards to relevancy while discovering them searching for another idea. I wanted a saintly inspired meditation upon patience and the Eucharist. I am fascinated by slow developments in my life regarding the Eucharist. Several phone calls, phone messages, and now a conversation leading to an appointment with a priest form an opening to the Aggregation of the Blessed Sacrament aligned with the parish of St Paschal Baylon in Highland Heights. Nothing happening fast, patience gracing, respect to the uniqueness of charisms, marks the events with intrigue. The Sunday vigil mass of Corpus Christi I attended at the church allowed me to witness seven laypeople complete formation into the third order. Me being me, my mind races forward in fantasy and imagination, excited by the idea of socializing based upon the Eucharist. It was a quality crowd of Catholics. The entire third order stood during the mass, all seated together, as the seven new inductees conducted their formal ceremonies of graduation. In respect to Dr Nichta’s stressing that I function best in structure, routine, and order, I feel it appropriate to explore further. Thy Will be done. More Dr Nichta wisdom: Maybe this is the key to a healthy social life, and maybe it is not. Explore the matter realistically, patiently prepared for a yes or no. Most likely, the truth is somewhere in between. There is no reason to fear being wrong, nor no glory in being right. All is in God’s hands. Trust in the Lord. I am a dreamer and tend to get overly-excited. The opportunity of taking the Eucharist to the homebound, nursing homes, and whatever other opportunities exist surrounding the Eucharist may be just the spiritual and natural extending of myself necessary for further contemplative growth.  So many have assisted me in establishing where I am at today, it would serve perfection to serve others: allow me Lord to provide love-filled service to my brothers and sisters, teach me to see You, Lord, in all the lives that I touch.. A new social world, brothers and sisters in Christ, would soothe my heart, ease my awkwardness in life. Every day, through all complications, love amasses within me. I am not sure why God is not providing me an outlet for my love. Friends to share with are developing at St Paul’s, a spiritual home is revealed, yet could there be more to fill my mornings.  Taking inspiration from Janette, I do not complain, nor whine, grateful for the miracles in my life, yet I plead with God to use me.  Let me give back Lord.  I am a good man with a heart ready to explode. I am alone and hurting. My family is distant. I have no one close. Conducting the novena to Our Lady Undoer of Knots, I plead with my Holy Mother, the wisest, kindest and gentlest of all women, to allow me the opportunity to love and serve. Self-knowledge focused upon a devoted personality, I understand it is essential for me to love. Love brings meaning to my life. Root out my complexities, Holy Mother allow me to love properly. You know how much I enjoy my time with Janette. Are there other elderly people who can serve me so blessedly by allowing me to take the Eucharist to them, possibly even to share Rosaries together? Could such a miracle truly take place in my life? God, could You break my loneliness by allowing me to serve You? Could I truly have the opportunity to love on such a profound level, filling my mornings with the supplying of the body of Christ to those in need? I have known disappointment and rejection all of my life, I implore with proper intent and respect, God that You please grace me with the opportunity to serve You with, in, and through love.

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Jun152015

Comforting weekend

I am going to give myself a pat on the back for the weekend, acknowledging providence within a timely telephone call. Friday meeting with Dr Nichta, I was off kilter, knowing in my heart I should not be going to Missouri. No matter how much the granting of a free rental car for the weekend pointed toward Missouri, the trip offered an adventure into spiritual pointlessness. I knew it, yet an angry heart drove me forward. The abbey calling as I became extremely sleepy, struggling to drive, unable to truly grasp driving so far after working a turnaround shift, and most of all: a thorough disillusionment centering, it is a marvel my cell phone rang. I emailed the abbey the day before, not expecting a call, planning to simply arrive whenever I did. They always have an open room. However, this visit was not meant to be. Still I fought. I told the abbey I would just get a hotel room. It demonstrates that obstinacy, an unwillingness to pay heed to the voice of God can draw one away from Divine Will. It would not have been evil for me to drive over seven hundred and fifty miles to the monastery, yet it was not God’s will. I am positive about that today. After hanging up with the abbey, the reality I should not make the trip became utterly convincing. I was forced to acknowledge I was throwing a temper tantrum. I kept going. I rationalized, pointing to the new community of Vietnamese Trappist I wanted to encounter. The Vietnamese monks would make everything meaningful, a once in a lifetime opportunity. Yet debate and excuses never win in justifying rebellion against Divine Will. Swallowing my pride, I exited west bound, heading back east. Resting Friday night in my bed, I knew I made a wise choice. I was blessed with a moving Saturday.

Overall as I approach a year anniversary, reflecting upon the fact a year ago I was drinking myself to death in a hotel room, I am pleased, grateful for the miracles God has worked within my life. Clarity and peace of mind absent at times, I am strong in my core being, spiritually expanding within permanency. This is it, my final thrust toward the divine. The rest of my life is a concentration upon God. Understanding, the contemplative concentration is only effective if the rest of my life properly supports–balance, healthy in all aspects, is vital. Again I stress, hoping my words will enlighten another, prayer has never been difficult. The spiritual aspect of life comes easy. Life has been the hard part. It is not my spiritual life that collapses. It is my natural. Right now, I am still being overwhelmed by everything with Ann. It is so overpowering I am rendered helpless, unable to process or make declarations anymore. I just have to let everything go. The entirety of that situation defeats me. I admit my weakness. Nothing matters except letting go. Today in his homily Father Phil spoke about not seeking justice, utilizing a favorite phrase of mine, one I use in various poems: ‘an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth’. The phrase originates in Exodus, yet in the New testament, in the New Covenant through Christ, truth is expanded to forgiveness (today’s reading Matthew chapter 5). I relate the phrase also to a Nick Cave song ‘The Mercy Seat’:

And the mercy seat is waiting
And I think my head is burning
And in a way I’m yearning
To be done with all this measuring of proof
An eye for an eye
And a tooth for a tooth
And anyway I told the truth
But I’m afraid I told a lie

Reflecting back on the weekend, I also treasure the couple of hours with Janette. Stunned by my struggles, God blessed me with her company. God demonstrates through her. A woman of ninety-six years, her story needs more definition for proper understanding. Janette never married until she was in her late forties. Raised in a large Ohio farm family, she remained single, watching her brothers and sisters marry and raise children. A healthy social woman, staying with her parents, she explained she just never married. She wanted to marry and have children, yet it was not her destiny. You have to listen to her explain her life in order to comprehend the innocence, the complete lack of feeling sorry for herself. Always active in her Polish Church, she was assigned driving duties for a trip to Detroit. She drove a car full of females and a man she did not like, because of his incessant teasing, drove a car full of men. She disliked the man even more driving up to Detroit due to his tendency to drive at high speeds, and his seeming determination to lose her. The following day, the man gave her a Rosary. The next month he asked for a date. She would eventually marry the man, a musician and worker for the Chevrolet Corporation. Married older, there were no children. Her husband is dead. Her brothers and sisters are dead. Her only visitors are her two cousins and a neighbor. Janette lays in that hospital bed knowing she will never leave that room. She does not leave her bed. When I first visited, she spoke of returning home. That talked ended when they sold her home. Never once have I witnessed her in a sour or lethargic mood. The details of her life amaze me, no matter how many times I hear some of them. Her story of her mischievous nature as a child always makes me laugh. There was a neighbor man who would drive some of the kids to school. He lived alone and there were rumors he drank too much, yet she never saw anything to tell her he was nothing but a most splendid man. The man would allow her to ride upon the side running floorboards, hanging on through an open window. Standing and riding in a manner she knew was mischievous brought her great joy. Her mother caught wind of matters, putting her foot down, ordering her to stop before she hurt herself. Janette stopped, yet one day she did not know what got into her, but she just had to ride standing on the floorboard. To her great dismay, they struck a bump and she was thrown from the car, scraping and bruising herself quite badly. Arriving home a mess, fearful of her mother’s reaction, she was surprised her mother remained calm, not scolding her. Rather her mother silently cleaned her up. Janette says it really would not have mattered if her mother did scream since she was crying so hard she would have never heard the reprimand. Finally after putting her to bed, her mother asked if she learned a lesson. She nodded her head yes and slept for almost a whole day she was so exhausted from her misadventure into rebellion. God is good and giving when we are willing to listen.

Fortitude a Pathway

Fortitude a Pathway

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