Beloved:
Where jealousy and selfish ambition exist,
there is disorder and every foul practice.
But the wisdom from above is first of all pure,
then peaceable, gentle, compliant,
full of mercy and good fruits,
without inconstancy or insincerity.
And the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace
for those who cultivate peace.
Where do the wars
and where do the conflicts among you come from?
Is it not from your passions
that make war within your members?
You covet but do not possess.
You kill and envy but you cannot obtain;
you fight and wage war.
You do not possess because you do not ask.
You ask but do not receive,
because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions.
Epistle of St James Chapter 3
The scriptural readings from mass today torched with relevancy, burning from the inside out. I experienced a horrible night of dreams, ridiculous in severity, troubling in despondency. Then mass came. I am alternating Sundays regarding the purchasing of donuts with lawyer Jim. This was my week. It felt wonderful, healing, to be able to give. Then before mass a strange encounter built upon a similar experience the previous day, both arising from activity at St Paschal Baylon. Today, Jim Nagle cornered me coming out of the gift shop at St Paul Shrine, penetrating with eye contact, determined I was to understand the conversation with him this morning was important, an opening. I knew I had to be fully present, maintaining eye contact, allowing him to enter my soul. I am not fearful of others. I have nothing to hide, nor am I competitive to the point of needing to shelter in order to preserve delusion. I accept profoundly who I am. Jim told me the gentleman I spoke to the previous day, a man I perceived as an extremely obese man, arrogant due to a group encounter through the Congregation of the Blessed Sacrament, was in truth a medical doctor, an obstetrician, now specializing as a medical school educator. Oddly yesterday, demonstrating my insecure and defensive nature, I entered Saturday mass, internally debating the doctor I only thought of as a presumptuous fat man, arguing several issues with the perceived enemy, thoughts lingering from our group encounter the other night. The man was stuck in my head. I am that way. It humbles. Leaving mass, there the large man was in the lobby with his mother. His mother is handicapped, struggling along with a walker. The two it seems are always together. His mother radiates holiness. I easily gravitate toward her warmth. The man called me over, cordial to a surprising degree, friendly beyond belief, wanting to no more about me, sincerely interested in me. The man’s demeanor, politeness, intelligence, honesty and openness disarmed me, making a large part of me embarrassed, actually desiring to cry. I had worked myself up in private internal argument with him earlier in the morning. Now I was wondering how in the world I was now engaged in such an intimate conversation with him. He stressed a name Myron Shibley, a name Ann tossed about, speaking about so many things. Then today Jim absolutely confronted me, informing me he desired a friendship with me, wanting to spend time with me, speaking about book clubs, conducting musicals, Bishop Fulton Sheen, creative writing efforts, Catholic off-Broadway plays, again Myron Shibley, religious organizations, people wanting to know more about me. He apologized he could not go with me and Mary. I invited Mary to the Sorrowful Mother Shrine, telling her to invite whoever she pleased. She invited Jimbo as she calls him. Jim stressed he wanted to do things with Mary and I, however he could not this day. I felt touched, authentically startled, promising him I also desired fellowship, mature Catholic companionship. The idea struck me, that soon God would provide artistic support, asking me to expose my writing. Everything humbled to an overwhelming degree. Enough, I need to read. Today was another blessed day with Mary. She is truly a holy woman, someone who is a profoundly a spiritual partner, a woman enduring upon a higher spiritual level. She makes me smile though she does not know it. Last night, I missed a call, picking up to listen to two strange voice mails from her, messages that left me laughing deeply, spiritually relieved. Somehow within the extended crazy Mary messages, she raised her voice, declaratively asserting herself, strongly making the point that she was fed up with the ATT woman putting her nose into her business, constantly interrupting her phone calls. She had enough and would no longer tolerate the ATT woman bothering her. Mary was almost screaming, convinced she was speaking to the ATT woman and not my voicemail. She firmly stated that everything had to come to a conclusion. The telephone woman must stop with her intrusions. I am not sure what she is doing, however she gets confused with technology, no computer experience whatsoever, convinced a lady from ATT is resolved upon infringing upon her life, harassing her simply for the fun of it. I think she is waging war upon a recording. 🙂 Saints come in all shapes and sizes.
