What a strange day yesterday, necessary and efficient in one sense, ridiculous in another, overall all too human. I must relax regarding work. I am not going to provide detail. The conflict was not severe, nonexistence in truth. Work is pleased with me. I will say one thing. I saw my boss walking into the shop. He was absent all last week. He was truly happy to see me, delighted to see me as a man. He likes me. He mentioned Bonnie. I have not seen her since my first week. She is the human resource woman, the friendly one who made me feel so welcomed, a pleasant busybody who sees herself as a friend to all. I knew instantly I must go see her. I still had myself in a shattered state, prepared for the worst. Speaking with Bonnie, true Christian fellowship, she warmly desired details how everything was going, emanating a sheer desire for me to tell her good news. I admitted I was struggling a bit, yet overall I think good, mentioning I can be my own worst critic. I will say that I in this blog and over the telephone I may sound pathetic, and I am, yet at work I handled everything maturely, strongly asserting myself. There is a strength even developing that sees myself as a leader. The difficulties arose over the weekend from myself assuming leadership in the absence of a leader. It was natural. The aftermath, being criticized for my actions, I did not deal well with when internalizing alone. It is a recovery issue, and thus a spiritual issue. An advisor stressed that my life is out-of-balance. How can I deny the fact after a day like yesterday? Coping with life is still a recovery process. I accept progress. My trust of God is still demented. Once again, blaringly, insufficiencies were made apparent. I was once called a practical atheist, a man convinced my life is doomed for failure, misery and exile are the conditions I must accept. Disaster, loneliness, rejection, and chaos are my destiny. It is sad, yet my perception of reality. It never daunted my love of God. God’s majesty was a part of my recognition. My mindset falling into a fate of strife almost killed me. Never once did I stop loving God, never doubting his existence and majesty for a moment. Never. I was blessed with a vision of Mary when young, and other supernatural occurrences overwhelming my consciousness, a reality firmly established. Those things are not important, at this time and place meaningless. They mean nothing. My faith means everything. My hope and love as well. I was so tired and exhausted coming home work last night I fell right to sleep. Moving forward, I trust in God. Doing my best at work, allowing life to come to me, taking moments as they come, wearing life like a loose garment. I take proper pride in my prayer life, my ability to sit still, my ability to enter the celebration of mass. God has blessed me with the ability to enter within the entirety of sacred moments. That cannot be denied. In the presence of God, I allow myself to be molded and formed. I am attracted to the worship of God through sweet consolations, while passing beyond their happening. They are not a stopping point. Nothing is a stopping point. Emptiness is a stopping point. In the meantime, everything moves forward. I make this bold statement about my prayer life indubitably. There is no doubt. However there is more to life than a prayer life. It is why I value Ann. She really has taught me this. She nailed precisely to the wall my spiritual failing, my alcoholism in the process, as my inability to live a natural life, to cope with the world. She is correct when she strongly insists I get myself out of balance, centering too much into prayer. I make those statements about my capacity to lose myself to sacred moments, while understanding what happen yesterday. My prayer life means nothing if I move from its ecstasy into chaos. What value do I grant to the gift God has freely given if I move away from it directly into a hopeless abandonment and acceptance of turmoil? I must stop the dramatics, the fear, the intense fear of failure, the absolute forcing of matters. If I lose my job it is not the end of the world. There are other jobs and I am a good employee, a worthy and talented man. Besides not trusting God, I do not trust myself. I did not finish my ending regarding my conversation with Bonnie, detailing to her how I was doing. Finally, I allowed her insight into my stress, dropping my defenses. I met eyes with her, saying, ‘Bonnie I feel all I can do is trust in the Lord and allow everything just to happen’, tears coming to my eyes. She smiled, saying, “I know we are both believers. I am hearing nothing but good things about you’.
Lord I have faltered
Wrong the wheel turning
Failed and joy remains
Frightened by myself,
Scared wounded lonely walking
I trust not Jesus
Self-curse hopelessness
Crying while knowing your bliss
Underestimate
Lord I am hungry
Surviving blind and lonely
Devoted to love
Lord I am learning
Ridding false angry pretense
Erasing all pain
Lord awake anew
A simple man working strong
Staring at Your Son
Just for the fun of it, I am going to post a song. Relax and lighten everything. This is a song I came across from my past. It is nothing special as a song, except to me. I felt it was my own little song as a child. I loved Paul McCartney from the Beatles. I saw him as an antithesis to the weird in-your-face drug-riddled rebellious pessimistic arrogant nature of John Lennon. A gifted, talented musician, an amazing song writer, Paul loved his wife, remained a simple family man within the realm of being a rock star. I saw all this as a child. There was something that always deeply disturbed me about John Lennon, an eternal malcontent, while Paul McCartney possessed a natural and pure attraction. There was something innocent and free about Paul, a goodness. This song I took on as my own. It was never played on the radio. I checked the album out from our local library, playing the song over and over, learning the lyrics, taking great joy in singing them while riding my bike, more screaming the lyrics then singing. It was my song of discovery. I listen to the words now, not really sure what I saw in them. I was just delighted to roll with the beat in my mind and scream words that made me feel old and wise.
