This past week has been defining, allowing clarity within confusion. I go into my last day of work before a day off with the conviction I know nothing, pleading to the Lord for peace. I look forward to Jim Nagle’s performance of his Thomas Merton one-man-show Saturday. He sent me a flyer in the mail. The hosting institution is the Ignatian Spirituality Project, actually the play is an adjunct to an award’s ceremony. I will not allow work to overwhelm. The play is my focus. I have concluded that this ninety day probationary period at work, a time of discernment, is for both my employer and myself. This week has been really out of sorts. I remained calm throughout the end of the week, accepting all that came my way, observing maturely, feeling there is a place for me within the quality company, understanding it is my determination that settles matters. It has been crazy, and I perceive that is how weeks will be. I pray, remaining within the spirit of recovery. Trusting in the Lord, trusting in myself. It is truly the living of life that needs to be learned. That goes even beyond my faith. I have no doubt I could and would prosper at Assumption Abbey. I know how to worship, centering myself within a recondite prayer life, content with stepping away from the world, content with a simple life within a monastic community cultivating love. What I am not sure about, doubting capabilities and worthiness is life in the world. How to live life remains a mystery. The alcohol abuse is defeated. I recently said that to Clarence, a quality friend and he responded with the standard AA answer, just for today, cautioning against perceived arrogance in my words. I could only register that I had moved beyond his world view, and not just based upon that statement. Avoiding criticism–nothing negative, embracing fellowship, admiring an authentic friend, it was obvious spiritually he has little to offer. I read Ann’s Facebook page this morning, unable to sleep. I do not do the Facebook thing at all. I find it disconcerting the absorption into identity, a personality built upon perception and reception. It is all too exterior and shallow, a trying to be instead of a being, a settling through rationalization and presentation rather than growing, existing and manipulating rather than maturing. It is why this blog is anonymous. I do not tell others of its existence. This blog is for me. The Lord selects the few who observe. Regarding Facebook, even Ann: someone’s spiritual insight I admire, I will not frequent, nor really care to consider the thoughts she shares on Facebook. This settles nicely into a rumination. I know her thoughts, and her strengths, putting forth that no one will understand her spiritually like I do, able to understand and utilize her strength, also within that knowing I comprehend her weaknesses, while all the time understanding the mystery of her being, the complexity of her past, her inability to mature within relationships. The fact that only love, proper in dimension and scope, allows insight into the realm of another. Without love, we only see interpretations and lacking, inabilities and failings, wounds and scars occupying attention, not the truth of being, which is the potentiality of existing within the magnificence of God.  Dependent upon ourselves, we see only what we can or need.  The reason I brought all of this together was a Facebook posting she presented: Nobody knows your heart, your circumstances, your past, your relationships,  your struggles, your pain, your hopes, your dreams, your purpose, your flaws, your reason and your future like God. Always seek Him first. There’s no better advice or guidance you can get than from the Lord. Yet the Lord is a reality to be shared through love, truth in knowing producing the ability to share. Love enkindles love. Experiencing love provides insight into others.  Few individuals will blossom spiritually into human flowers of love. St Francis of Assisi comes to mind as an ultimate fulfillment. It is the lot of many not to live a life of love. Ann does not know how to share love. She can play the superior, seeking out weakness and inferiority in order to nurture, yet still that is manipulation, the working of self, rather than a reposing into the love of God. It is perfect for caring for the sick and dying, yet futile in adult one-on-one relationships. It will never establish a mature spiritual permanency, eventually causing strife, stagnation, and frustration. It is too aggressive, not passive enough to comprehend the love of God. We all know Corinthians chapter thirteen. To play the martyr, to remain aloof, isolated and alone, protecting one’s self through God, only able to love weakness, escaping into God, does not supplant the living of a deeper love. Seeking guidance from the Lord? I say that is a tough road to master, few able to conduct, only the pure in heart knowing love, able to withstand the frustration and lack of knowing, will be able to properly discern. Open and vulnerable, willing to be hurt, healing through pain, loving others as brother and sister—superior to none; overall the embracing of life, accepting the non-mastering, allows discernment. Forget reading signs, supernatural voices, a perceived skill in discernment, any other way that calls forth personal interpretation.  The Lord rarely answers individuals directly.  God is not a mystery waiting to be unraveled, rather He is a mystery that will always remain a mystery here upon the earth.  Spiritual advancement is the profound acceptance of this subtle truth.  It marked me when Father Thomas Keating identified the fact that Jesus was asked a hundred and eighty three questions, and within all the inquiring he answered only three directly. The Lord does not tell us what to do. The Lord does not tell us what is best for others. His greatest answer is mystery; acceptance of enigma. His greatest commandment is to know love. I have become convinced we can go various and numerous ways, a set path not placed before us, while the determining factor remains our ability to live the greatest commandment, to bring into fruition the Beatitudes; to flourish within faith, hope, and charity.  Some will accomplish the matter within worldly success and others will be crushed and broken in the gutter in their knowing.  Ironically, only hinting at relevancy, Bob Dylan lyrics come forth: Success is failure, and failure is no success at all.  The guidance I receive from the Lord is too keep on keeping on. No answers will be forthcoming. Deal with it. You are starting to know love, to live a life of love, and that is a painful difficult cross to bear, the ultimate cross for like His Holy Mother you will only be rewarded here upon this earth with a pierced heart, sorrow dominating your disposition, yet underneath and supporting that sorrow will be the immensity of true joy. It is enough. Now I just need to figure out this living thing, exact details abandoning me to the scratching of my skull in wonderment, and all too often fear. The Hospice finally does have everything in order. I will begin receiving assignments, conducting my first bedside vigil Saturday.

Vibrant steady rain
Magnificence descends refined
Unmindful I watch

The sound of a drum
Dampened by the multitude
Sound vibrates on things