Some theologians thought the grace that was profitable to salvation is called efficacious, not at all because of leading us gently and mightily to consent to good, but because it is given to us at the moment when God has foreseen that by ourselves we would choose to accept it rather than to resist it.  The divine prevision of man’s response is what distinguishes efficacious grace from grace that is not efficacious.  In other words, this efficacy does not come from the divine will, but from the human will; the grace is efficacious not because God wills it so, but because man accepts it.  According to this idea, it may happen that of two sinners under the same circumstances receiving equal actual graces, one will be converted and the other will remain in his sin.  Hence this difference of determination between these two men springs solely from the human will, and not at all from the difference in the divine help which they received.  The same grace, which remained sterile in one, was efficacious in the other because he himself made it efficacious.  –Father Reginald Garrigou-LaGrange ‘Christian Perfection and Contemplation According to St Thomas Aquinas and St John of the Cross’

This paragraph made me think, swirling about an incident yesterday, assisting in the accepting within complete mystery of a telephone call.  I was removed from the case of my hospice patient, informed the patient is doing better, removed from the bedside vigil program.  My initial reaction was ‘He is not getting better.  They are not even feeding him’.  I inquired a bit, yet it was obvious the woman calling possessed minimal details, not even sure if he was being fed, or that he was not even being fed.  She was simply making a call.  The call disturbed me, causing me to consider the words of Ann that I must be very careful, not showing my spirituality too conspicuously.  I was praying the Rosary and Divine Mercy Chaplet, reading scripture and Catholic spiritual writing.  I studied my patient’s face closely, searching for signs of agitation.  I authentically focused matters upon his care, and not my agenda.  I conducted myself with silence for the most part, comfortable in everything I did.  Medical personnel walked in while I was praying, one finding me sleeping grasping my Rosary.  Did I show my faith, hope, and charity too much?  Did I overstep my bounds?  Was I improper?  I am convinced he is not getting better.  I doubt they resumed feeding him.  However, maybe I am wrong.  The bedside vigil program is based upon a forty-eight hour terminal caution.  He has been going for a week, and I always possessed the belief he was not close to death.  He was terminal, yet he was going to hang on.  I was positive he would endure for weeks, possibly months.  I would have continued, confident I brought him comfort.  The length of the time did not concern me, yet maybe that was what mattered to the hospice.  I am truly ignorant of the ways of the medical world.  I also considered my personal investment.  I truly enjoyed sitting bedside.  Did I become too attached to my consolations and internal rewards, thus prompting God to remove the blessing of sitting with the man?  Did the patient find me offensive?  What I was doing was important to me and now everything ends in mystery.  I accept the fact easily, yet thoughts and questions arise concerning proper formation.  As Father Peyriguere writes: While praising and loving the “mysteries of God’s designs,”…you must not strain to see these designs.  There is only one thing worth-while: to surrender yourself and your fortune to His will with the blind and total trust of a little child in his father’s arms.  I embrace the concept Ann presented, words she verbalized that strike from my own arsenal, that my presence is enough during the bedside vigils.  It is a being rather than a doing that brings comfort and spiritual bolstering.  Words and my efforts are not necessary.  If the patient is ready the grace will be efficacious.  The patient, in an acute spiritual state, will perceive the Christ I bring to his side.  I will be stealth in my future spiritual efforts while serving as a hospice volunteer.  I will also not become disgruntled with myself, a natural tendency of mine to be too hard on myself.  Possibly, I tried too hard, coming on too strong, naïve of the ways of the medical world, during my initial vigils.  It is ok.  God is good and all giving.  The efficacy of grace depends upon proper reception, however the dispensing of grace is not crushed by man.  God continues to give.  If I made a mistake, or even if the medical personnel were wrong, God will overcome, presenting future graces for me to serve those entering death.  Once again, God is good and all giving.

The lofty perfection is that described by St Augustine and St Gregory; the perfection to which the twelve degrees of humility enumerated by St Benedict or the seven degrees counseled by St Anselm lead: (1) to acknowledge ourselves contemptible; (2) to grieve on account of this; (3) to admit that we are so; (4) to wish our neighbor to believe that; (5) patiently to endure people saying it; (6) willingly to be treated as a person worthy of contempt; (7) to love to be treated in this fashion.

This great conception of Christian perfection and of the illuminative and unitive ways is the only one which seems to us to preserve all the grandeur of the Gospel and of the Epistles of St John and St Paul.   –Father Reginald Garrigou-Lagrange ‘Christian Perfection and Contemplation According to St Thomas Aquinas and St John of the Cross’

Embarking upon a mission, I am speaking with others, opening myself, prying for counsel, discerning within my imperfection, not afraid of others.  I invite the judgement that I am shallow, doing good deeds seeking only attention.  I know myself, privy to my weaknesses and strengths.  Avoiding the subtle temptation to remain hidden, to slide through under the radar, I fear not the eyes of others.  I love the defining of humility to the severest degree of accepting, loving, the disdain and disfavor of others.  My spiritual endeavors aligned with God are not wearied by talk, comprehending to the greater and deeper degree the danger of a life lived in secret pride that everything I do is superior within stealth.  To remain aloof, prideful in the distance one keeps from others, judging and looking down upon those socially healthy in spiritual pursuits is a harsh path of cruelty upon one’s self and others.  It is more beneficial for everyone involved to be open and honest.  Works of God do not out smart themselves and others.  Works of God do not hide within closed-off cleverness.  Too often good deeds kept hidden are a statement of over-sensitivity, the reality that one cannot accept criticism.  The truth that if others are drawn into intimacy they will most likely not approve of what they discover, criticizing and gossiping.  An advanced humility fears not righteous or unrighteous condemnation, unafraid and inviting disparaging words while not seeking sweet consolations.  An advanced religious is not afraid to socialize and profess their mission.  Jesus speaks: “No one after lighting a lamp puts it in a cellar or under a bushel, but on a stand, that those who enter may see the light.  Your eye is the lamp of your body; when your eye is sound, your whole body is full of light; but when it is not sound, your body is full of darkness.  Therefore be careful lest the light in you be darkness.  If then your whole body is full of light, having no part dark, it will be wholly bright, as when a lamp with its rays gives you light.”  I had an incredible half-hour one-on-one counseling session with Sister Mary Thomas today after mass, drawn into the encounter through a rare set of circumstances.  God is good and all giving.