Monthly Archives: November 2015

Nov052015

St Peter of Alcantara walks into my life

I am being steered from one essential reading to another. Moving from Father Gerald Vann to St Peter of Alcantara. Note on Father Vann quote yesterday. Nothing important, yet inspiring. Father Vann quoted Thomas Merton.  After posting, I went for a walk in Cain Park, flavoring the walk with a delightful conversation with a friend who invited me Saturday to his one man play detailing the life of Thomas Merton. I have been working so much, it will be my first day off in twelve days, perfect for fascination and entertainment. There will be a dinner before the performance.  The coincidence made my heart smile. Now a new book stirs the heart and mind. I am enthralled with the little book printed in 1926. I attained it from the Cleveland downtown main library. It took the library over a week to come up with the relic as it was retired to a remote storage location.

The book, ‘Treatise on Prayer and Meditation’, is the work of St Peter of Alcantara, another Spanish saint from the sixteenth century making an influence. I provided a quick video detailing his life. He is thoroughly brought to light in the autobiography of St Teresa of Avila. In the brilliant Spanish television miniseries documenting the life of Teresa of Avila there is a wonderful scene of the hermit Franciscan St Peter entering the city to meet with St Teresa. He would serve as her confessor and spiritual director. Cinematically, the scene marked me. I loved the beautiful Spanish locale, the city dwelling, the protective wall, and the inhabitants residing. Playing, enjoying idle time, the children gather, becoming excited when news spreads of the holy man of the mountains coming to visit. The children joyfully greet the walking man of God. It is simply a movie, yet St Peter visually lifted me spiritually with his cantor and recondite presence, a man full of life, not remoteness nor a solitary strange hermetic unsavory disposition. The hermit is not one rejecting life, he is one absorbed with God and thus radiating life. In his writing, St Peter, similar to the two Alphonsus: Liguori and Rodriguez, embraces the vast domain of Catholicism by supplying wonderful quotes from other saints. It is obvious his teaching arises from a wealth of knowledge attained from within the Church. A man of the Church, he teaches nourished by the Body of Christ here upon the earth.

Two quotes St Peter of Alcantara provides from other saints on the importance of a sound and steady prayer life, the first from a fellow Franciscan Saint Bonaventure and the second from St. Lawrence Justinian. Beyond rambling praise, the individual concepts appeared essential to me while reading. The quotes come within establishing devotion, a focus upon the ways of God, as a vital virtue, while arising within the identification of my sinful nature. Prayer is a process, the ongoing means of attaining perfection. Victory over myself is achieved through a stout prayer life, a devotion to God. I have been considering this a lot, Ann’s influence reasserting itself in disposition. She is correct when she stresses I am out of balance, that I stress too much the spiritual, divulging myself too actively within my prayer life, the consequence being an unstable man prone to a quick temper, an obsessive nature, and out of sorts in my natural life. I agree with the observation, yet the solution is not to discard or diminish my prayer life, rather to elevate my natural life, my coping and living experiences, through my strength in prayer. If equalizing is a process of lowering, it is destruction. On the other hand, if equalizing is attained through elevating, it is construction. My prayer life must be the passive means of allowing God to purify and cleanse my temperament. My natural life does not benefit by diminishing my prayer life. My natural life must be brought to fruition through my prayer life before the Eucharist and within the sacrifice of mass, and thus daily an ongoing process of perfection is maintained. The spiritual life takes time, especially if you are as raw around the edges as I am.

If you would endure with patience the adversities and miseries of this life, be a man of prayer. If you would acquire strength and courage to vanquish the temptations of the enemy, be a man of prayer. If you would crush your self will with all its inclinations and desires, be a man of prayer. If you would know the wiles of Satan and defend yourself against his snares, be a man of prayer. If you would live with a gay heart, and pass lightly along the road of penance and sacrifice, be a man of prayer. If you would drive away vain thoughts and cares which worry the soul like flies, be a man of prayer. If you would nourish the soul with a sap of devotion and have it always filled with good thoughts and desires, be a man of prayer. If you would strengthen and establish your heart in the way of God, be a man of prayer. Finally, if you would uproot from your soul old vices, and plant virtues in their place, be a man of prayer, for herein does a man receive the unction and grace of the Holy Spirit, who teaches all things…”

In prayer the soul cleanses itself from sin, charity is nourished, faith is strengthened, hope made secure; the spirit rejoices, the soul grows tender, and the heart is purified, truth discovers itself, temptation is overcome, sadness takes to flight, the senses are renewed, failing virtue is made good, tepidity disappears, the rust of sin is rubbed away. In it are brought forth lively flashes of heavenly desires, and in these fires burns up the flame of divine love. Great are the excellences of prayer, great its privileges. The heavens open before it, and unveil therein their secrets, and to it are the ears of God ever attentive.

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Nov042015

Unification through overcoming

When prayer seems most hopeless, it may well be most fruitful; when the search for God and the attempt to love God seem most futile and barren, they may well be most creative. Why? Because if then we turn to God in humility, knowing our failure, we make it possible for Him to work in us, and under His creative touch, the soul comes to life, the flame is kindled, even though we remain unconscious of it. At other times, our efforts may, in fact, be egotistic and self-reliant, or greedy of reward, and then we fail, however convinced we may be of our success.

“A man” writes Thomas Merton, “who is not stripped and poor and naked within his own soul will always unconsciously do the works he has to do for his own sake rather than for the glory of God. He will be virtuous not because he loves God’s will but because he wants to admire his own virtues. But every moment of the day will bring him some frustrations that will make him bitter and impatient, and in his impatience he will be discovered…  –Father Gerald Vann ‘Mary’s Answer for Our Troubled Times’

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Nov032015

Let it Be

I have been arriving early for mass,  conducting my Holy Hour before, saying a silent Rosary with the Poor Clares. Today initially upon  kneeling, the voice of Mary whispered, informing me that my attention was intentionally turned to Paul McCartney. She reminded me he wrote a song for her, ‘Let it Be’, insinuating I should listen to it. Take that for what it is.  I cherish the moment, tears falling.

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Nov032015

Reflection

What a strange day yesterday, necessary and efficient in one sense, ridiculous in another, overall all too human. I must relax regarding work. I am not going to provide detail. The conflict was not severe, nonexistence in truth. Work is pleased with me. I will say one thing. I saw my boss walking into the shop. He was absent all last week. He was truly happy to see me, delighted to see me as a man. He likes me. He mentioned Bonnie. I have not seen her since my first week. She is the human resource woman, the friendly one who made me feel so welcomed, a pleasant busybody who sees herself as a friend to all. I knew instantly I must go see her. I still had myself in a shattered state, prepared for the worst. Speaking with Bonnie, true Christian fellowship, she warmly desired details how everything was going, emanating a sheer desire for me to tell her good news. I admitted I was struggling a bit, yet overall I think good, mentioning I can be my own worst critic. I will say that I in this blog and over the telephone I may sound pathetic, and I am, yet at work I handled everything maturely, strongly asserting myself. There is a strength even developing that sees myself as a leader. The difficulties arose over the weekend from myself assuming leadership in the absence of a leader. It was natural. The aftermath, being criticized for my actions, I did not deal well with when internalizing alone. It is a recovery issue, and thus a spiritual issue. An advisor stressed that my life is out-of-balance. How can I deny the fact after a day like yesterday? Coping with life is still a recovery process. I accept progress. My trust of God is still demented. Once again, blaringly, insufficiencies were made apparent. I was once called a practical atheist, a man convinced my life is doomed for failure, misery and exile are the conditions I must accept. Disaster, loneliness, rejection, and chaos are my destiny. It is sad, yet my perception of reality. It never daunted my love of God. God’s majesty was a part of my recognition. My mindset falling into a fate of strife almost killed me. Never once did I stop loving God, never doubting his existence and majesty for a moment. Never. I was blessed with a vision of Mary when young, and other supernatural occurrences overwhelming my consciousness, a reality firmly established. Those things are not important, at this time and place meaningless. They mean nothing. My faith means everything. My hope and love as well. I was so tired and exhausted coming home work last night I fell right to sleep. Moving forward, I trust in God. Doing my best at work, allowing life to come to me, taking moments as they come, wearing life like a loose garment. I take proper pride in my prayer life, my ability to sit still, my ability to enter the celebration of mass. God has blessed me with the ability to enter within the entirety of sacred moments. That cannot be denied. In the presence of God, I allow myself to be molded and formed. I am attracted to the worship of God through sweet consolations, while passing beyond their happening. They are not a stopping point. Nothing is a stopping point. Emptiness is a stopping point. In the meantime, everything moves forward. I make this bold statement about my prayer life indubitably. There is no doubt. However there is more to life than a prayer life. It is why I value Ann. She really has taught me this. She nailed precisely to the wall my spiritual failing, my alcoholism in the process, as my inability to live a natural life, to cope with the world. She is correct when she strongly insists I get myself out of balance, centering too much into prayer. I make those statements about my capacity to lose myself to sacred moments, while understanding what happen yesterday. My prayer life means nothing if I move from its ecstasy into chaos. What value do I grant to the gift God has freely given if I move away from it directly into a hopeless abandonment and acceptance of turmoil? I must stop the dramatics, the fear, the intense fear of failure, the absolute forcing of matters. If I lose my job it is not the end of the world. There are other jobs and I am a good employee, a worthy and talented man. Besides not trusting God, I do not trust myself. I did not finish my ending regarding my conversation with Bonnie, detailing to her how I was doing. Finally, I allowed her insight into my stress, dropping my defenses. I met eyes with her, saying, ‘Bonnie I feel all I can do is trust in the Lord and allow everything just to happen’, tears coming to my eyes. She smiled, saying, “I know we are both believers. I am hearing nothing but good things about you’.

Lord I have faltered
Wrong the wheel turning
Failed and joy remains

Frightened by myself,
Scared wounded lonely walking
I trust not Jesus

Self-curse hopelessness
Crying while knowing your bliss
Underestimate

Lord I am hungry
Surviving blind and lonely
Devoted to love

Lord I am learning
Ridding false angry pretense
Erasing all pain

Lord awake anew
A simple man working strong
Staring at Your Son

Just for the fun of it, I am going to post a song. Relax and lighten everything. This is a song I came across from my past. It is nothing special as a song, except to me. I felt it was my own little song as a child. I loved Paul McCartney from the Beatles. I saw him as an antithesis to the weird in-your-face drug-riddled rebellious pessimistic arrogant nature of John Lennon. A gifted, talented musician, an amazing song writer, Paul loved his wife, remained a simple family man within the realm of being a rock star. I saw all this as a child. There was something that always deeply disturbed me about John Lennon, an eternal malcontent, while Paul McCartney possessed a natural and pure attraction.  There was something innocent and free about Paul, a goodness. This song I took on as my own. It was never played on the radio. I checked the album out from our local library, playing the song over and over, learning the lyrics, taking great joy in singing them while riding my bike, more screaming the lyrics then singing. It was my song of discovery. I listen to the words now, not really sure what I saw in them. I was just delighted to roll with the beat in my mind and scream words that made me feel old and wise.

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Nov022015

Reevaluation

All is good.  God is good.  Work is good.  I am evaluating everything.  What happen was important on all levels.  I will write tonight after work.

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Nov022015

Properly alone

Eating lunch at McCarthy’s utilizing a Groupon.  It is a bar,  did not realize that purchasing.  It means nothing.  Just attended mass,  a Rosary before with the Poor Clare’s,  identifying the voice of the woman discerning,  staying for a visit.  It means something.  The Eucharist is there.  It means a lot.  It does not mean everything.  God comforts,  strengthens,  yet my battles endure.  I am such a nervous wreck I feel sick.  I am convinced I will be let go, fired.  I accept the fact, humbled. I am not defeated. I will persevere. God is with me. He loves me. I saw Ann, not even wanting to have lunch with her, wanting to be alone.  Her call was enough, a lot. I went to confession, seeking absolution for being absolutely absorbed within fear. I can only defeat the truth within truth and recognition.  I have three books from the main library, advanced thought on the contemplative life,  Peter Alcantara and Father Garrigou-Lagrange. At this time, they mean nothing accept escape. Nothing means more right now than trust; a complete surrender to faith, hope, and charity. Holy Mother throw your protecting mantle around me, in fact NO. My Loving Mother let me go. Let me face the world humbly independent and strong within my weakness and surrender. Jesus I trust You to trust me.

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Nov022015

A spiritual infant

I worked seven days last week, over the weekend enduring two days without senior leadership. I am absolutely stressed out, not dealing with anything well, worrying about being fired, anxiety tying me in knots. Things are coming very difficult at work. Spiritually, I am drained, resorting to fear, convinced I am being humbled. The St Theresa of Lisieux quote seems appropriate. It is one thing to romanticize about being forcefully humiliated, and another to suffer the process. I am being humbled, humiliated by mistakes, forced to admit weaknesses and shortcomings to others. I can only offer God my silence and prayers, asking to be guided, strengthened in order to pursue matters with the Hospice. Time is troubled, and yet maybe all time is troubled. I feel exhausted, yet not hopeless. I know I will never drink again. Maybe for the first time in my life, I am working through situations in life that present serious challenge to my self-esteem and delusion; coping with the strenuous difficulties of advancing in life. I relate matters to living at the artist commune, living amongst highly intelligent and gifted individuals who honestly had no clue how to live their lives. Forced to embrace the concept of being a misunderstood genius they could not apply themselves constructively and advancingly to a practical, workable, way of life. They could not accept life on life’s terms. They presented the world with delusion, constantly making unsatisfied demands, and naturally the world would not accommodate. The inevitable consequence presented itself through lives of strife, addiction, perversion, turmoil, and constant change—always adapting and rearranging circumstances and situations in order to sustain personally satisfying illusions. Change, the altering of circumstance, social worlds, employment, and geography became a constant. My reading for the day steered toward the ‘The Spiritual Combat’ by Dom Lorenzo Scupoli, focusing upon the subtly of the sinful nature.

It is beyond all dispute that a willing cooperation with the graces of Heaven is the only way of escaping this delusion…. When I say “willing cooperation” I do not mean mere desires, or feeble and sterile resolutions, by which so many are deceived. The following are the reasons:

First. The foundation for such desires and resolutions is not mistrust of one’s own abilities and confidence in God. The result is that a soul, inflated with secret pride, is so blind that it takes for solid virtue what is mere illusion. The remedy for this evil, and the acumen necessary to recognize it, must be obtained from Heaven which permits us to fall. This is done that our eyes may be opened by sad experience, that we may reassign the confidence we had in ourselves to divine grace, and that we may exchange an almost imperceptible pride for a humble knowledge of our own weakness. Good resolutions will never be firm and steady unless they are founded on a mistrust of one’s own strength and on confidence in God.

Second. When we make a good resolution, we merely consider the beauty and excellence of virtue, which attracts even the most vapid minds, but we never consider the difficulties of attaining it. Consequently, cowardly souls are dismayed at the first sign of trouble and they hurriedly abandon their project. For this reason, it would be better for you to consider the difficulties which occur in acquiring virtue, rather than the virtues themselves, and to prepare yourself accordingly. You may rest assured that the greater courage you show in conquering yourself or defeating your enemies, the sooner will your difficulties diminish, and they will gradually vanish.

Third. We are too concerned with our personal advantage, rather than with virtue and adherence to the will of God. This frequently happens when we are comforted by the consolations we receive in a time of affliction. Finding that the comforts of the world have escaped us, we resolve to dedicate ourselves to God’s service.

To be free of this charge, let us be careful not to misuse the grace of God. Let us be humble and prudent in forming good resolutions. Let us not seek extraordinary favors through rash promises which are beyond our capacities to fulfill.

If we are burdened with affliction, let us merely ask to carry our Cross as we should, since it comes from God. Let this be our glory, and we shall seek no alleviation from earth, or Heaven itself. Let us ask, let us implore only that God may strengthen us in our trial, and that we may patiently undergo the trials He sees fit to send.

A prayer: Lord allow me to advance toward You within a solid sane struggle with life.  Grace me with the humility and wisdom to accept reality.  Darken my life if my love and desire to serve You is an escape from life.  Lord open my heart to the awareness of secret pride, that subtle joy which builds in me through my devotion to You, establishing a self-esteem based upon arrogance.

Suddenly my mind went to buying donuts for St Paul Shrine.  Lawyer Jim and I alternate weeks buying the donuts served after Sunday mass.  Yesterday I took such pride in everyone clamoring about how nice the donuts were.  Sister Regina had me organize and prepare the presentation of the donuts.  I made quite a nice, colorful seasonal display, serving apple cider with the donuts.  Lawyer Jim and his wife were disconcerted by what I had done, questioning my efforts, complimenting yet troubled.  He purchases donuts on Friday since they are so cheap at Giant Eagle and freezes them, or he searches out some other discount, always being cheap basically.  I took such pride in how dismayed he was, laughing with Sister Regina how cheap he is and how wonderful my fresh donuts were, taking great pride in what should have been a humble service of anonymity.  It is not a serious sin, yet laughing like that with sister is a sign of the subtle and secret pride I possess due to my dedication to the spiritual life.  When I should focus upon my serious gaps in trust and obedience, I am totally tuned to what a great man I am for supplying splendid treats.

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