I am going to vent, release a lot, allowing something I have become attached to be done with. This is the second straight religious season an individual has attempted to overtake a holy time of the year with self-absorption, wallowing in self-will, and spiritual competition. I am convinced this Advent crosses the border into serious evil, broaching the term satanic. It is horrible to be near. When I reflected upon my spiritual condition, health, everything before her reemergence the fact is roaring in clarity. The need to impose spiritual competition is absolutely horrendous. Placing the spiritual life on levels, judging and discerning the practices of others, convinced spiritual exercising is telling others how to live, absorbed in the need to inflict self-will and spiritual direction instead of fellowship and adult sharing, she has tried her hardest to overtake my Advent and Hospice concentration. I must accept the immature level she works at as poisonous by proxy. I shudder in abhorrence, yet still in truth there is no one I care for more. However the need to seize control of someone else’s spiritual life is shocking, juvenile in practice. The need to constantly be making declarative statements is horrendous. The bullheaded and obstinate persistence to announce one’s self as a spiritual master sheer immaturity. The very fact one has to tell others how successful one is at the spiritual life is an absurdity. If they do not see it, it only establishes lunacy. Time after time, I insist that we must take everything between us to the Church. Our relationship is centered in an advanced approach to faith thus the Church must be approached. Always the suggestion is rejected. Professing obedience to the Church, acting as an authority of the Church, she refuses counsel with the Church–counsel rooted deeply in honesty. Keep in mind that spiritual direction is useless when it is conducted through manipulation and delusion. Her very idea of spiritual direction is so perverse it would make anyone with religious sensitivities shudder in horror. Before her, I never met a person who seeks out others singularly for the purpose of taking control of their spiritual life. I never met someone who attempts to impose obedience to their self-will upon others. The obsessive nature to control is diseased. The delusion to interact with another, share in a relationship, while all the time believing she is a spiritual master, the instructor of the other, is satanic. I recall a friar remarking there was no one more spiritual than Satan.  Satan absolutely perceives himself as a spiritual master, a teacher beyond accountability and thus God.  Overly sensitive, thrown into a rage at the slightest criticism, Satan abhors any and all who oppose him to the slightest degree.  Evil is in constant revolt, demonstration,protestation, declaration, and imposition, absolutely unable to repose within peace, to be quiet and still, open and able to perceive the love of God, to trust and surrender to One who is mightier.  Satan is always informing reality how successful he is.  God is quiet, reserved.  It is futile, acceptance is the key. Once again though, still, there is no one I care for more. I love her so much it hurts.  She manipulates the condition.  There is a song title: ‘I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that’.  Ann, I would do anything for you, anything I could to advance our relationship, to bring the love I feel for you to fruition through a shared experience of God, but I cannot place myself in obedience to your spiritual direction.  I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that.  How many times I accepted your spiritual direction because I was in love with you.  It was insane on my part, spiritually irresponsible.  It was not through a deep reverence for your exercising of faith that I falsely allowed you to elevate yourself to be something you are not.  I never saw you as a spiritual master.  In truth, and truth must be accepted, you are not a spiritual master and there is nothing wrong with that.  It is a soul crushing insecurity to think you have to be so great.  Listen to King David sing: O LORD, my heart is not lifted up, my eyes are not raised too high; I do not occupy myself with things too great and too marvelous for me.  But I have calmed and quieted my soul, like a child quieted at its mother’s breast; like a child that is quieted is my soul.  I simply see you as a remarkable woman who saved my life.  Your power over me is immense and destructive. To make one’s self vulnerable means one can be hurt. To grow assertively means that one must accept being hurt.  You always hurt me so damn deeply.  I will never be able to advance in the spiritual life with your voice in my life.  I must reject you.  I will not grant you the privilege of destroying another religious season, turning everything into a focus upon you as you live a life devoid of the Advent season. There is an absolute abomination to everything that has happened over the last week. I must accept the fact I allowed it all to happen, and would probably still continue. Here is a poem unleashing frustration.

Oh hell,
Severely attached to that thing,
The fighting and contention holding to conclusion,
Broken and bent walking up the hill backwards,
Inflicting strictly, observing distant,
It will not be all right,
Cauterized wounds infecting within,
Bruises and bother, tongue tied and twisted,
The constant banging of the head,
Ringing through the ears, rationalizing and reason,
Detached from the sanity of warmth ascending,
Gradually everything becomes hotter,
The years amounting to a slow cooking,
Stick a fork in it,
It is done.
A frog no longer leaping, a heart no longer beating,
How could you not pick at the sad sick scars?
How could the suffering not make sense?
How could the pain extended not register?
How could there be so many without regret?
How can meandering delusion and damnation not coalesce?
How can you walk it back without a clue regarding love?
How can something that never existed be born into conviction?
Frightfully, the one enslaved runs away,
Obstinately, the one restricted believes she is a master,
Insistently, the one imprisoned demands stealth unrestrained recognition,
Obdurately, the one confined by self-will demands to be obeyed,
Fervently, the one constricted must isolate into advanced manipulation,
Beliefs must become statements,
Faith must be declared superior when no one is asking,
Boldness must scream louder than desperation,
Confidence must batten down the hatches,
The infighting amassing to a crashing,
The crushing weight of self-willed conclusions,
It was easier being young,
Now the years grow cold, nothing adding up,
Time alone haunts,
Forced to be alone burdens constant companions,
Tears unshed flood the conscious with derangement,
The mirror an imposition breaking wisdom into fractions,
Telling stories to one’s self in order to conceive manageability,
Brutal honesty abandoned within the slow cooking,
Another religious season focused upon self,
Another time of sanctity centered upon identity,
Another period of worship lost to the bluster of preoccupation,
What is life without being a world revolving about yourself?
You know I never see you anymore when you are not on the phone gathering others,
Attempting to fill, to place as many as possible surrounding,
As if the presence of others will cease screaming reality, deeds committed,
Thanksgiving you were utterly alone, Godless, abandoned to madness,
I was there for you,
God sent me,
You refused,
I love you immensely

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