I am struggling in the relationship realm, not trying to focus too acutely upon the moment. Details becoming more pronounced than reality, I do not want to make too much of every breath. There is a large element of my personality attached to drama. The need for declarative statements, the need to always be right, is plaguing. I have been singular in my life, an addiction developing, a cantankerous disagreeable mindset forming, argumentative in reproach and approach. Rital gives herself completely to me, unwavering in her commitment, sincere in her interest in the things I enjoy. She loves my music, deeply penetrating meaning, understanding exactly what I am attracted to, comprehending my insight. Our time together is blessed with easy and natural compatibility, a flowing to our exchange, an ease socializing together. We make an interesting couple in presentation, enjoying others and communal conversation splendidly together. There are concerns, areas that need addressed, counseling necessary to move solidly into permanency, wedding vows with Catholic authenticity. Yesterday, I was confrontational, agitating and mean with her. I wanted to make a point, therefore felt the need to establish superiority, wounding and discombobulating her. She becomes profoundly hurt, a longing in her core begging forth love. I can cripple and nearly inflict fatal wounds. I have the power to call forth all her brokenness into another culminating experience of pain, rejection, humiliation, and failure. She surrenders to me and grants me this power. I understand I am attached to the notion I am a spiritual superior, advanced beyond her practice. It stuns me to perceive the reality within myself. Yet I also do not want to stay committed to her out of pity. We have become consumed with our relationship to the point of neglecting our spiritual lives. It is natural, understandable in the realm of imperfection. Avoiding obsessiveness, crippled by delusionary perfection, I anchor myself with the reality my faith comes first. I cannot blame her if my solid spiritual exercises are wavering. It is in my relationship with Christ that all things flow, including my courting of Rits. She is understanding, yet within the fact exists danger. To have one loyal to your word, wavering under your command, desiring nothing more than to have you close is debilitating. It allows me to blame her for everything, to find fault in her as a recompense for my own faults. Instead of being a loving companion, I become a dominating master. I do not like this aspect of me, shocked to see it emerging. Sidestepping dramatics, I do not over-react to an over-reaction. Again all things flow from my relationship with Christ. Rita I will not allow to be destroyed by my angry nature. Within another who loves me, I see the worst of myself.
Prophet Hosea and the healing process through God.
“Come, let us return to the LORD;
for he has torn us, that he may heal us;
he has stricken us, and he will bind us up.
After two days he will revive us;
on the third day he will raise us up,
that we may live before him.
In God the orphan finds mercy…
…I will heal their faithlessness;
God lovingly calls out:
I will love them freely,
for my anger has turned from them…
“Therefore, behold, I will allure her,
and bring her into the wilderness,
and speak tenderly to her.
And there I will give her vineyards,
and make the Valley of Achor a door of hope.
And there she shall answer as in the days of her youth…
A video about becoming whole
