It has been several weeks since I have conducted a vigil. The calling is so clear when providing presence. Today, the elderly woman, a mother of three daughters, rested unresponsive a Rosary wrapped around her hands. Her eyes wandered, looking about calmly. Her daughter sat with her, providing pleasant conversation. After sitting an hour plus visiting, I determined it was appropriate to ask her daughter if I could pray a Rosary with the patient. During the second mystery, seven beads into the mystery, a woman walked in, Rosary in hand. She turned out to be a hospice spiritual care provider. The woman finished the Rosary with us, the timing wonderful. Afterwards, we all discussed a priest visiting, last rites having already been performed. Humbly, within communal communication, we determined it would be the culmination and celebration of the woman’s lifetime dedication, obedience, and devotion to the Catholic Church to have her priest visit and bless her. The spiritual care provider sought the matter through, informing us the priest would visit that evening. Everything coalesces into acceptance and the releasing of thought. I am humbled to be placed into service.

An interesting post-Arise gathering yesterday at St Clare.  We are getting together every other week, with myself missing the last one due to employment training.  The post yesterday reflecting upon Virtues, Theological (infused) and Cardinal (human), was conducted with respect to the fellowship focused upon the enriching of faith, hope, and charity through a concentration upon morality grounded within defining through the Catechism.  Something deeper occurred relating to personal direction.  I felt myself drawing away from the group due to an act of my own, an inability to resolve a situation.  My tendency to pull away and disappear ruled my thoughts.  There is a gentleman I introduced to the group who severely disrupted the relevancy of matters, misdirecting efforts through narcissism and delusion.  It turns out that at the last session I missed, the ecclesiastical minister organizing the curriculum confronted the gentleman, directly communicating the fact there were guidelines strictly directing interaction.  RENEW International fosters spiritual renewal in the Catholic tradition by empowering individuals and communities to encounter God in everyday life, deepen and share faith, and connect faith with action.  I was so impressed with the structure demanded by the organization I posted it during Lent.  There was an absolute commitment to enrichment, the deemphasizing of personality and individual domination–a maturity regarding communal communication I instantly recognized.  The friend, a man of keen intellect; an artist, writer, actor, demonstrates concretely the fringe element spirituality I find myself moving away from.  The absorption into individuality, the need to dominate conversation, reflecting an air of superiority, wisdom singular in possession, while in reality are the soundings of a man living a life lacking employment, single in family life, devoid of intimate interaction, delusional in brutal honesty.  There is no doubt God works through all of His creation.  The man performs powerfully in his one-man theatrical acts, yet relevancy regarding simple penetrating intimate interaction remains distant.  The desperate need to say brilliant things, rather than the ability to flow with the moment through obedience, insightful respect, humility is impossible due to an intense attachment to individual accomplishment.  Faith, hope, and charity are rendered ineffectual due to a dependence upon grandiose human doing.  Immense thought revealing an impressive intellect usurps human behavior imitating Jesus, exposing grotesquely the lacking of wisdom and understanding. The desire for sweet consolations stamps upon the penetrating efficacy of proper self-knowledge.  It is a statement regarding my spiritual demands at this time.  My growth in sobriety dictates the need for simplicity, an honesty allowing individuals able to live humbly in familial bonding.  Self-perceived imposing individuals enamored with themselves through a grand exercising of Catholicism while living the life of detached singles has played itself out.  I seek something meeker, something more challenging.  My relationship with Rita presents frailties, areas of concern and psychological inefficiencies.  I am convinced God desires the strengthening of character an intimate romantic relationship demands.  The exercising of love, the intimate caring, sharing, and nurturing with another matures in a way singular efforts due not call forth.  It is difficult for me.  Necessary healing takes place.  Both of us being absolved.  The receiving is just as important as the giving.  Rita just called, scheduling a vigil for tomorrow morning with a devout Catholic woman passing away in Westlake.  My vigil service has been void for the last couple weeks, a concentration upon my romantic life taking precedent.  The time away allowed personal cultivation.  Within the settling into a profound intimate relationship now emerges a return to a prayer life directed by the Hospice.  Meandering in thought, trusting in direction, I repose to silence.

LORD ASSIST ME IN UNDERSTANDING MY MOTIVATIONS AND ACTIONS.
GRACE MY SELF-KNOWLEDGE WITH RELEVANCY TOWARDS INTIMACY WITH YOU.