Beloved:
Where jealousy and selfish ambition exist,
there is disorder and every foul practice.
But the wisdom from above is first of all pure,
then peaceable, gentle, compliant,
full of mercy and good fruits,
without inconstancy or insincerity.
And the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace
for those who cultivate peace.

Where do the wars
and where do the conflicts among you come from?
Is it not from your passions
that make war within your members?
You covet but do not possess.
You kill and envy but you cannot obtain;
you fight and wage war.
You do not possess because you do not ask.
You ask but do not receive,
because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions.

Epistle of James

Calex meeting today, the second reading fitting nicely within the tenents of recovery. Jealousy and selfish ambition are identified as root causes of disorder. The monthly meeting, including the social world surrounding, aligns nicely with the whole of my wellbeing. I am carving my own niche, allowing the Holy Spirit to guide. Recovery is a dangerous process in which one must surrender, becoming vulnerable, while protecting one’s self from those, many of good intent, unable to recognize borders and proper roles. I have been through this enough. The wherewithal allowing maturity to guide has become a reality. All glory to God. I have established a home group, a men’s meeting concentrating upon the study of the Big Book. It meets on Saturday morning. I find myself in a peaceful state of mind at that time. My schedule allows that I have been off work since Thursday morning, while looking forward to a Saturday daily Mass at St Paul Shrine, plus a weekly prayer group afterwards. It is a highlight of the week. This week the post-Mass communal prayer was followed by a lengthy discussion with the Man of Prayer. When he is dialed in, there are few more accurate in their spiritual insight, especially regarding the prayer life. Saturday mornings and afternoons are proving to be prosperous times. Peace reigns, allowing a clear mind and proper disposition. The sponsor situation did not work out. The gentleman does not have the time, yet a friendship has emerged, a circle of fellowship grows. There is a gentleman from my home group I will approach regarding sponsorship. I am pleased with the providence of many facets coming together to form a cohesive body of sustainability. Nothing dominates, nor does a black and white drama of rejections, promises, and/or dependency emerge. I answer to God, allowing Him to speak through others, listening and going beyond myself, while not allowing the imperfections of others to dominate, dissuade, or influence. I need people, yet to socialize is something I am not good at. Left to my own devices, words from the Big Book: ‘the queer mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power‘—proves true. I lack the power to say NO if not conducting an offensive. My powerlessness is a mind and body matter. Faith is NOT enough. I am convinced my darkest hours come from too much time alone. In Huysmans’ novel, he accurately defines Durtal struggling mightily after receiving his first confession. Subject to an adult life of debauchery, he is ordered to confess to a priest. The confession itself, which created immense anxiety, proved simple and revealing, exact details and a wretched dramatic pouring forth of self-accusations and incriminations unnecessary. The monk priest conducting the confession wisely and purely elicited an authentic cleansing of past sins. The priest’s declaration that Durtal must pray the Rosary and receive communion immediately ignited an intense internal battle when he was left alone, a spiritual confrontation with the evil one confusing. Durtal’s sloth and struggle with his thoughts reminded me of my own strife when enduring too much isolated time. My thoughts can over-complicate, producing fear, doubt, restlessness, irritability, and instability. Durtal reasons himself into a wrenching quandary as he wrestles with the priest’s demand regarding the Rosary. Everything is wrong. The monk priest told him he must recite ten every day for a month. Durtal cannot determine whether the priest meant ten beads or ten complete Rosaries. The lack of clarity turns him upon himself. Durtal’s angst only increases when he is informed his communion will not be administered by a monk priest. A visiting parish priest will conduct the sacrament. Left alone, Durtal’s thoughts assault him. He imagined one of the monk priests offering him communion after his salvific confession. He found fault with the parish priest due to his pension to constantly crack jokes, a lack of seriousness annoying Durtal. Reasoning alone, he swings from various determinations, convincing himself to refuse communion, then to accept—tying himself in knots regarding the matter. He abandons himself to the conclusion he must not receive communion from the parish priest. Huysmans powerfully demonstrates the impossibility of an individual being able to advance their spiritual life based upon their own doing. Within the receiving of grace, properly experiencing, an individual is suspect to personal imperfections and the wiles of evil. The father of lies is an expert in influencing self-destroying thoughts. Durtal is rescued from his self-imposed plight through another encounter with his confessor. The priest assures him he only meant ten beads of the Rosary, expertly providing spiritual direction, alleviating stress. The monk priest followed with the accusation that Durtal had rambled his way into rejecting the receiving of communion. Durtal confirmed the fact. The priest monk warns of the power of evil to influence our thoughts when attempting to advance in the spiritual life. He understood, identified with, while explaining Durtal’s struggles. The fellowship of the recovery world proves a necessity within the greater whole of advancing toward unity with my Lord and Savior.