Saturday mornings and afternoons have established themselves as essential to moving forward in the pursuit of God and thus myself. My Home Group meeting, a men’s Big Book study, and noon Mass at St Paul Shrine followed by communal prayer arise as the highlights of my week. Today was profound; experiences, thoughts, and peace elevating to an insightful awareness. However, something strange happened when I returned home alone. A darkness came over me, a turn of events I did not anticipate. A sloth and depression overwhelmed. I decided to undergo this writing effort with the hope of understanding. The Home Group meeting flew past in expressing; a group reading and discussion touching upon sponsorship/mentorship—the effort of working with others in regard to recovery and spiritual growth. My comfort level with the group of men is astounding, unnatural for myself. One man overwhelms with his approach of structure and reliance upon a program strictly based upon tradition. I have approached him to be my sponsor, understanding the gentleman associated with the original Catholic group who welcomed me to Cleveland was not going to work out. I hold no grudges or judgement, comprehending he will remain a quality friend. The scope of fellowship nicely forms. There are friends, and now one I will attempt a concentrated introspective dissecting of myself through the principles and basics of AA. A deeper working of the program will be broached. It was reassuring that Jeff, the potential sponsor, recited almost the exact words the Jesuit spiritual director expressed. We will move forward, following a prescribed program while allowing the spirit to guide regarding commitments. There would be no pronouncements, promises, within an advancement of limited expectations. Jeff’s use of precise tools, first an MPG Big Book study—Part 1, that I am to listen to, taking notes on what I agree with, disagree with, and overall thoughts occurring during the listening. The exercise will be conducted this evening, followed by a discussion with Jeff. He has an outline of precise exercises we will conduct in discerning the Big Book while engaging the working of the Twelve Steps. The concrete directions are easy to adhere to, pleasing to my need for structure. I admire Jeff, identifying something about his approach that holds me captivated. He is a blue-collar man who has come into his own through his efforts in recovery. He has grown into a man of wisdom and understanding based upon his overcoming of alcoholism. Humility is coupled with enthusiasm, an excitment to share; while the need for cleverness, individual attention and recognition are shunned. He possesses attributes I was seeking yet not encountering. Within the group of men in the Home Group, he harmonizes, aligning for a deeper penetration. There is another man, older and an elder in the program, a Catholic who attracts as a friend for sharing time together. We will possibly watch the Notre Dame/Stanford game tonight, yet he was unable to commit until he was positive of the plans of his wife and adult children. It is nice to have people texting me, those a part of a new beginning. I am contented with the fact my recovery fellowship emerges. Last night, the gentleman who I first attempted a sponsor relationship informed me of a religious service, a healing Mass and a half hour of song followed by fellowship, at the parish of St Thomas More. The gathering proved rewarding, however he never showed. I did meet others, including a man named Angel—another man associated with the original group of recovery men: Paul and Jim. I would meet Angel today entering St Paul Shrine. Handshakes, warm words, and authentic concern for one another were shared. He informed that today was the feast day of the Archangels. Impressively, communal prayers after Mass are experiencing intense grace; new members, and a depth of fresh inspiration breathing into my life. I spoke at length with the leader of the prayers, Shirley, who agreed with my assessment. She also identifies a new-found depth in our communal prayers. She informed me she has been praying that God would send more members to share in our Holy Hour of prayer. A Holy Hour that sublimely extends closer to two hours of prayer and religious expression. There are three new women appearing as blessings: authentic and devoted. During my discussion with Shirley, in which we shared our personal states of being, she touched upon her deeper conversion that occurred when she was first introduced to St Paul Shrine. Her conversion leading to a complete surrender and devotion to Christ and the contemplative life brought forth the name of a friend. I almost typed former friend. I remained silent, listening to the entirety of the story being told, while considering the name with regard to an identity, complexity, and myself. I reached no conclusions, dismissing with as little entanglement as possible. Within the expansion and struggles of a new life in Christ, a beginning within a life of beginnings, I recognize the need to remain detached—a detachment based upon faith, hope, and charity subject to the limitation of my abilities. God is wiping clean the slate in order to express Himself with greater clarity through my brothers and sisters. Within the love of Christ for all souls, I respect the immensity of reality. Selfishness, imperfection and perceived needs are released. Jeff made the remark when speaking of the severity of his condition that the footsteps story—the dual footsteps on the beach turning to one as Christ carried him through his difficulties, must properly include the large indentation of a body being dragged through the sand when Christ was forced to drag his obstinate ass. Enough. I have worked my way out of the funk. I changed my mind. I would like to express thoughts on J.K. Huysmans. I decided to go back in time with respect to his writing. There is a novel before the Durtal trilogy, the intense conversion of a wordly man, an artist and intellectual, converting to a profound Catholicism. The novel ‘La Bas’ (The Damned) chronologically follows Huysmans ‘A Rebours’ (Against Nature or Against the Grain), critically recognized as his masterpiece of French Decadent writing. ‘A Rebours’ is required reading in many advanced literature programs, however I am convinced Huysmans would rest his laurels upon his Durtal trilogy. ‘La Bas’ I feared, hesitant and leery about exploring the novel. The subject of satanism is explored as Durtal writes a history of the French historical enigmatic character Gilles de Rais—a contemporary and close companion of Joan of Arc. Gilles de Rais would end his days with horrible infamy, convicted as an atrocious, unbelievable, murderer and abuser of children—a man whose brutally perverted life would devolve into the satanic realm. Rais is a man who abandoned himself, and others, to the most wretched of ends, a damned eternity that must be recognized and feared. Hell and satan are realities. Father Roger touched upon the matter today in his homily exploring the Archangels. Mixed with a morbid curiosity, sensationalism, a desire to explore the extreme, I was not sure I should approach Huysmans novel. Moving toward the end of the novel, I am confident it was proper to experience Huysmans effort. Huysmans is not a sensationalist, nor worker of the macabre. He is a writer of greater purpose. I am convinced he is not totally aware of the deeper spiritual battles arising within his novels. We are not only battling ourselves. Deeper principalities are always at work. The exploration, the experience, of the darkest of evils ignites Durtal’s deeper conversion—the Durtal trilogy surpasses ‘La Bas’. Wickedness itself can be used by God to lead souls to heaven. Huysmans unique utilization of ruthless honesty, an ability to recognize truth within experience and thought, is the guiding light allowing advancement. That which promotes peace, wisdom, and understanding usurps that which goes nowhere or destroys. Trudging through the bondage of self, open and willing to both good and evil, Huysmans’ discernment never fails him. That which he clings to is that which is proper for his salvation. The process of his conversion involves the progression through darkness and the overcoming of evil—including the greatest of all evils: the deceiver, the greatest of liars. If one holds to truth, lies are unable to endure.