An image, a poem from my youth, has been entrenched in my mind throughout my life. The poem comes from Jim Carroll’s ‘My Basketball Diaries’, a high school read that elevated a self-destructive attraction to decadence, artistic pursuit through self-indulgence and worldly experience—big cities, punk rock, drugs, and an identity attached to being cool—detached, existential, removed from everything.
Little kids shoot marbles
where the branches break the sun
into graceful shafts of light…
I just want to be pure.
An internal response to the poem, as a bewildered young man, I wrote:
Falling faces,
Thinking thoughts,
Into little tiny pieces,
Form inner-circles,
As they inter-lock.
Jim Carroll died at 59. Today, I attended a funeral Mass for a gentleman who passed away at 59. My thoughts during the Mass drifted to the poem, admiring yet realizing the desire for purity is not enough. An artistic mind may envision the sweetness of purity, yet the boredom, lack of immediate gratification, and rigors of striving toward purity are other things. In momentary revelry, the desire for purity can overwhelm to a degree of eternal yearning, a thirsting for Truth, a hunger for goodness, an acquiescence to the total enveloping of divine peace, however, life moves forward in a rapid, yet slow pace—hours are long, yet years are short. We wake in the morning and the drudgery of life continues. Beyond the childishness concentrated upon identity, desires for esteem and recognition, the satisfaction of convictions being victorious, a craving for purity still permeates.
Purity is a pursuit demanding fortitude, so much more than a fantasy. The funeral Mass today; may the peace of Christ be blessed upon the individual’s soul, may his guardian angel be welcomed as a protector and provider, may Mary—Virgo Potens shed her ever-shining light upon his passage into eternity; may the funeral Mass provide the opportunity to mediate upon the finite nature of life. Death comes unexpected—life is short, eternity is long. Purity must be pursued here and now, while a prayerful appreciation for life is focused upon the eternal.
The eastern orthodox church tells the religious tale of a persevering brother. Afflicted with an inability to defeat sin of the flesh, the brother determinedly subjected himself to confession day after day. Authentic in remorse, contrite and sincere during confession, the brother would leave confession only to confound himself by once more falling to the sin of the flesh, his thorn, his cross, his affliction. Every time, the brother resolutely returned to confession. Every confession, God mercifully absolved him. This cycle continued for decades. Satan finally grew weary of the matter. Frustrated, he screamed foulness, declaring God as an unjust authority, a deceitful judge. Accusing God of betraying order and decency while continually granting forgiveness to this wretched habitually sinning man, while casting him, Satan, into the abyss of hell for a little breach of pride. Worked into a wrathful fury, Satan continued with his accusations: “Just because this man falls down before you confessing, after making a mockery of you day after day for decades, you are willing to forgive him time after time? You make no sense. You stifle all my efforts, never forgiving me. You are not a just judge. You make exceptions. You allow individuals to manipulate you, while thwarting the greater ideal of justice.” Bitterness, a dark black smoke, poured forth from the nostrils of Satan. God responded: “You wicked dragon. When this man turns to sin you are delighted, immersed within his indecency, then filling him with shame. You think you have him, yet he fights you, returning to me daily with a heartfelt confession, administering to his love for me, grateful for the price my only begotten Son paid through his death upon a cross. I will never turn this man away as long as he continues to return to me. He is gaining strength, and through his weakness and humility he will achieve victory over the sin that has strangled him throughout his life. Through mercy and love, I will win him over. Oh Seducer, you accuse me of being an unjust judge. On the contrary, I am just beyond all. In whatever moral state I find a person, I judge him. Observe this man, prostrate and admittedly broken by his sin. He conquers you with his willingness to confess his sins. He has battled all of his life. His fortitude will earn him eternal victory.
Shepherd me, O God, beyond my wants,
beyond my fears, from death into life.
