Other souls, after struggling for a long time, become discouraged, says St Teresa, when they are within a few steps of the fountain of living water. They fall back and, since without prayer they no longer have the strength to carry the cross, they lapse into a superficial life in which others might perhaps be saved, but in which they run the risk of being lost because their powers will carry them to excesses, if indulged outside of God, would be their ruin. For certain souls of a naturally lofty turn, mediocrity is impossible; either they give themselves wholly to God, or wholly to themselves in opposition to God. They wish to enjoy their ego and their abilities and, as a result, run the risk of setting up self instead of God as their absolute end. The angels can know only ardent charity or unpardonable mortal sin….Angels or devils, very holy or very wicked, for them there is no other alternative. Certain souls have something angelic about them; for them it is very dangerous not to preserve in prayer, or at least to be at prayer only bodily without any act of true love. This amounts to the abandonment of the interior life, perhaps ruin. The saints tell us that, if we are to persevere, we must, first of all, hope in our Lord who calls all devout souls to the living waters of prayer. –Father Reginald Garrigou-Lagrange ‘Christian Perfection and Contemplation According to St Thomas Aquinas and St John of the Cross’

This elaboration on prayer by the immensely intellectual Father Reginald sketches upon an idea I possessed regarding myself, and others of a creative nature. It is either fully in or fully out—no middle ground. The angels are passionately adoring God or they are devils in violent conflict and rebellion against God. It is obvious in the modern chaotic secular world of pop culture, over-sexualization, intellectual selfish exploration, and an overall fantasy life of the imagination that consciousness is being taken to the extreme. I always point to the proliferation of movies and fascination being concentrated upon superheroes, zombies, vampires, and an overall reality devoid of a basis in reality. The simplistic natural life of Christ, a natural life empty of grand endeavors and individual greatness, tenderly introduces the sacrificial supernatural reality of the most sublime and refined transcendence. A simple solitary humble life in acquiescence to the will of God produces the greatest supernatural endeavor. There is no need for superheroes and the fantastic. There is a need to make simple choices between servitude and rebellion.

My line of thinking centers this morning after another rough day at work, experiencing turmoil and inner-frustration. Conclusions are not forthcoming, patience and clarity arising important. Touching upon details, I performed a large task the other day, doing a good job, feeling proud in my effort, only to arrive at work yesterday to find third shift rejected my work, replacing everything I did. I was stunned. This came on top of two of my coworkers exploding in a nearly violent argument, taking everything into our boss’s office and creating an overall disruption of departmental dynamics. This all on top of the fact my ninety day probation period comes to an end in weeks, thus demanding an evaluation and testing of my skills and acumen. Everything is overwhelming and sadly I become even further discouraged when I realize others in the department feed off the chaos, especially the combative state of the two men in verbal conflict. One of the men was sent home for the day as he had become so worked up. My work environment trends toward total absorption. Yet overall, it is not that bad. I comprehend my coworkers like me, respect me, especially my boss. If anything I feel the third shift gentleman, a lurking dominating physical and intelligent man, who keeps following up all my efforts and improving them, writing everything up and the other day taking credit for discovering a problem that has been plaguing a CNC machine that I identified and showed him, conducts the effort because he thinks our boss has his eye on me. He is making the clear statement that he is superior to me in skill and strength of personality. He is really a good man exercising his instinctual need to dominate. I have no problem with the fact, in fact, I must be careful in my reaction because I tend to surrender and beat myself up in conjunction of his efforts of putting me in my place. I am willing to join him in defeating myself.

My overall point concludes with the realization that this is my recovery effort becoming a reality. Ann, remerging, endured a barrage of text messages, experiencing firsthand the turmoil I place upon my back, the instinctual need I have to defeat myself, calling my skills immediately into question. I expressed to her the need to bring peace, harmony, and prayer forefront into my life. She responded with a condemnation for pursuing an easy path, the intellectual concept of the cross and suffering being the mature way. In words and idea, I respect and honor her words, yet also I am moving beyond concepts and intellectualizing, fixating my spiritual life within reality, aspiring for the simple natural life of Christ, becoming a man of prayer. Christ did not accept the cross as a superhero, an intellectual man of ideas choosing and creating his destiny. He was a simple man, a carpenter, the son of Mary and Joseph, a teacher of a small band, working miracles, healing others, while remaining small in worldly stature, surrendering to the will of the Father in a longing of love and desire to establish eternal peace. He made himself small, modest and artless in ideas, telling parables, gently working his ways upon the earth.

This is taking too long, and the Hospice calls, presenting another patient needing tending, leading me directly into my conclusion. Is it spiritually beneficial to give so much of myself to the world through my employment? I am able to enjoy a lucrative paycheck, worldly enticements allowed, or is it more in service to God to pursue a pastoral vocation, allowing my passions to rule.  I cherish and feel invigorated by all my exchanges with Hospice personnel. To be honest, I am not sure. Day by day, I advanced forward in prayer, grateful within the Advent season, seeking the solace of God through daily Mass and the Eucharist, blessed by the reality my soul and life crushing rebellion is dissipated. Small bits of heaven are allowed to mingle with the aftertaste of damnation lingering, a mixing of black and white into a calm shade of grey. It really does not have to be all or nothing. God is good and all giving.

I decided to include a video, a calling this morning to listen to this song over and over, the secular world gracing with inspiration.  No need for Superman, in fact waiting for Superman is rather ridiculous.  And regarding conceptualizing the embracing of the cross, I love the lines: Is it getting heavy?  And then I realize, is it getting heavy?  Well hell, I thought it was already as heavy as can be?  You want to talk of carrying the cross, well hell I thought the weight of the cross has been as heavy as could be this whole time.  One carrying the cross seeks and talks of peace and prayer.  One living a life of distraction and entertainment talks of carrying a cross.