The point of this blog I feel needs to be identified. I perceive eyes discovering. I am no religious expert. I am a man called to the contemplative life. Humbly, I state I do it well, able to allow God to elevate, chosen in a certain simple anonymous way. I am trying my best, convinced brutal honesty surpasses a delusional façade of religious piety. I am who I am, advancing knowing myself, working within my state of imperfection. I abhor delusion. It is prevalent, too easy to center upon once one becomes sensitive to religious peculiarities. It is no place to place attention, yet too often I do.
My recoveries efforts from severe alcohol abuse, a battle fought and finished, now embraces the living of life. Oddly enough, the spiritual life comes easy to me, prayer a solace I could maintain for hours if allowed. There is no place I would rather be than in front of the Eucharist, simple and still. The spiritual life has always been instinctual and a charm, yet that is not enough. The trouble for me is perseverance within the mundane ritual of being a small man, a simple responsible man, establishing a life of security and stability. Since my entrance into adulthood, I perceived myself as an artist, an existential identity of being different, unique in perception more than brilliant in skill or intellect. It never served me well on the natural level. It is one of the reasons I am so strong on smashing the idea of identity, the desperation of approaching life based upon being someone. I am tired of trying to be someone. Now, I live to allow Christ to be alive in me. I fall immensely short, yet the longing endures.
An important part of this blog is assisting me in establishing permanency, living a life that really works on all levels. I work stuff out in this blog, expressing, using names. There is a point. Life is difficult for me. The reason this extraordinary effort, being small and stable is so important is the fact I am determined to live a life of sound contemplative practice. I need a life of stability and normalcy in order to love God greater. I am not called to be a mendicant, or a wandering fool, or a holy roller of highways, or a desert hermit, or a mountaintop wise man. I am a man of the world my father endured. My path is to prove I can be nothing special, a humble good man of the world, one who loves God, and my fellow man. For me that is the whole reason for living, for making myself small in identity, need, and deed. It is all to love God greater.
My contemplative efforts are being taken to a higher level as I am convinced it is God’s will. His grace guiding, alighting upon my efforts, tickling my every endeavor, even those I falter within. The weight of Divine scrutiny and assistance overpowers my life anymore. Still, I struggle.
Regarding the establishing of stability, the natural life being conquered, an announcement regarding work must pour forth. I am being permanently hired, a strange incident announcing the event. Others have spoken to me regarding the event, however tonight prominence pronounced itself through the mouth of a man strangely emerging as a supporter. The man follows me on third shift, busting my balls, redoing my work, absolutely a bear upon my every effort. Tonight over the radios we carry, he called my name in his intimidating manner. He starts his shift a half hour early, overlapping our shift. Having just about enough of him, I snapped immediately back, informing him I would be right over to speak face to face. I felt I knew what he wanted to confront me with. I was ready for him. We have already argued several times. Once reaching him, he handed me a piece of paper clearly detailing a job I performed earlier in the day, assisting me greatly in understanding the task I completed. I thanked him, humbled a bit. He congratulated me on being hired, informing me he starts his day checking my log, and inspecting my work. I said ‘no kidding, it drives me crazy’. He told me I do good work. It made me feel huge. He went on, telling me he would still be inspecting everything I do, giving me a year before he would back off. His work is good. I respect him. I could only laugh at his words. I discussed several jobs I had performed recently, asking for advice. Not only am I being hired into a position lucrative for me, placing me in the $70-80,000 range, I am finding friends, soldiers in battle, men I would walk into the line of fire with. It all builds, igniting my spiritual life, giving me greater confidence that with time I will be able to have sound income, the means to retire, a path to love God greater. Every breath I take is focused upon the contemplative life. Even with the monastic life lingering in delight, I must establish I am a man capable and secure, a man of stability. It allows me to satisfy the spiritual demand that I am able to humble myself to the world, content and contrite to be just another soul toiling away in the dirt. I do not live in delusion, nor do I force the world to accept my delusions, imposing self-will, inflicting upon others a man of shortcomings. I am simple and sound. I am not noisy and demanding. I am not forcing everyone to see me as a holy man or a church authority. I understand it means a lot to God. It is part of my path, my blue collar roots, homage to my father, his father, and his father….I do not have to think I am greater than everything that came before me.
God my love for you is a love of a simple life, a love of my father, a love of my mother, a of love my brothers and sisters, an example for my son, a love of my family down through the ages and beyond into future generations. I am not a world onto myself.
