This blog, to a lesser degree, provides an examination of conscience, public to the discretion of anonymity except for a few. Steady reading holds to approximately eight to ten perusers. Perfect numbers in regards to efficacy and humility. Hopefully delusion is avoided, truthseeking forefront–faith, hope, and charity persevering on through imperfection. Today, I made a decision. I am not absolutely positive in terms of deeper motives. I assisted the Jewish couple blocks from my home. Afterwards, she called distraught while I was working. The Hospice volunteer who relieved me abandoned her husband, declaring him combative and unruly, reporting he was throwing his sheets irate, hysterical and tossing about. The wife came home to her husband uncovered, soaked in pee, visibly upset. He was very good with me. We even shared a moment of clarity. I was positive he was calm, at peace with everything, attempting to talk to me. I could clearly make out the word ‘alright’. Mostly, we slept. I became very tired, telling him I was going to take a nap. His wife setup an incredible recliner for me that even massages your back. I covered up with a blanket and we slept, while game shows played on the television. I woke to pray a Rosary and speak with him a little. I am confident we have established something, authentically bonding. While working, I made the decision to offer assistance to the couple. He is a large man. He must be difficult for her in regards to bathing and changing his bedding. I have to stop by after work in order to retrieve some items I accidentally left behind. Everything points to God leading me to the couple. We’ll discuss matters tonight after work. I will offer to regularly and routinely bathe him, clean him, change his bedding, and provide transportation. I thought closely about everything, guestioning myself, honestly unsure of myself, closely absorbing recent advice from the Man of Prayer, unafraid to work within personal frailties. I will not stagnant through a fixation upon my weaknesses. I refuse to define myself by sinful tendencies. It is a part of moving beyond an identity as an alcoholic. God has more in mind for me then getting stuck in self-absorbtion. I discern God active through the Jewish couple, testing and calling out, challenging toward greater maturity. The husband and wife need help. I will precede forward, trusting in God, understanding the complexities of the human psyche, pleading with my Holy Mother to know my heart in ways I do not. I will offer myself to be of service to the couple, planning to open myself to the husband, to tell him about my failings, to let him know how much I need him. I think it is mentally severe on him to be bedridden, helpless, unresponsive, yet cognizant. The mental battle for sanity a challenge beyond comprehension. He lays mostly in a fetal position, dependent upon a teddy bear. He bats at it, and cuddles with it. I even wonder if it fell off the bed and the other volunteer did not retrieve it. I honestly think I can be a friend to him, to be a source of relief for his wife.

On another note, it appears I will manage a two day weekend, necessary solace from work. Then three days of work leading to the Easter retreat, five days vacation, at the Maronite Monastery of Adoration. Downtime of devotional contemplative prayer. I need the time away from work desperately.