A reflective peaceful morning, during a time of transition within transformation, many things are to be considered, while reposing into trust and patience. Forefront, an employment change looms imminent. I am excited, yet nervous. Following the Mystic, Connecticut vacation, the week at work proved intense and stressful, especially when I was forced to work Saturday and Sunday, a seven day work week once again establishing a standard. During that time, a recruiter contacted me, enthusiastic about a job offering he was trying to fill. I conducted the interview based solely on the hours, a guaranteed first shift position. I have extended incredible effort and energy toward my current position. It is a huge deal to depart. Gratefully, I recognize it has served me well. In recovery terms, it toughened me up, allowing greater insight into identity. The potential employer intrigues with the promise of first shift hours and a location less than five miles from home. Touring the plant, I perceived an excellent business niche in the automotive industry being filled, an enthusiastic and strong industrial leader of the Cleveland area controlling the plant as one of his entrepreneurial efforts. Though doubt lingered for various reasons, I discerned the will of God. Exiting the interview, observing the East Cleveland home sitting across from the industrial facility, abiding within a struggling neighborhood, I delighted to find a well-cared for statue of the Immaculate Conception standing upon an ingenious mount, spotlighted by two ground lamps, the American flag raised behind Our Holy Mother. For some reason, I thought of the vigil on the East side of Cleveland with the over-the-road truck driver where I discovered a unique Marian autobiography, the story of a devout Catholic family told through the life of a son who died in WWII, shot down in his fighter plane he christened ‘Our Lady’s Knight’. The story is written by his brother, a fine Catholic priest. I am enjoying the book, a renewed interest in a simpler way of life, an enduring and endearing time when Catholic Americans amidst great turmoil, the Great Depression and a world war, subscribed to maintaining humility and purity. Individuals who did not perceive themselves as knowers of all things–innocence meant more than arrogance, self-serving great deeds, or false wisdom. It coalesces nicely with a rekindled interest in books. ‘Moby Dick’ has reawakened a sense of fiction anrd adventure, and yesterday driving to and from Toledo, the significant other and myself listened to an insightful primer to Shakespeare’s Macbeth. This coming weekend we will view the play at Sugarloaf Mountain amphitheater in Chillicothe, Ohio, part of a Hocking Hills splendid weekend centered on completing my lifelong dream of witnessing Tecumseh the Outdoor Drama. The Monday following will be the Feast of the Assumption celebrated all day long in Little Italy and the Holy Rosary Church, an evening procession culminating events. The Tecumseh play was scripted by Allen Eckert, a University of Dayton history professor who has written extensively on the period of Tecumseh’s life. I read many of the professor’s books as a young man, enthralled with the life of Tecumseh, the settling of the Northwest Territory, and the War of 1812. I must wrap this up for time is short. There is so much more I wanted to express. The bottom-line is I have become convinced God wants me to concentrate upon my personal life, my faith, contemplative life and volunteering efforts central. My employment is to supplement and provide for a greater interior and personal life. The Hospice calls are becoming frequent again. It is pleasing. Yesterday with family and the significant other proved sublime. In fact, to cut this shorter, I will post an email from the significant other. The words reveal.

Good Morning. This weekend opened a lot up for me and driving in I felt that I needed to journal. Though I prefer to write on paper, I didn’t have time. Thought of you and that I would just type up my words. Want to share them with you….please take them with the love and grace that they are intended. I do feel so very blessed by you

I feel so very blessed by Jim…what a good day yesterday was. Spending time with his family; Brandon, Tabitha, Tyler, his gorgeous Spanish Mom. And on Saturday sitting in the car and talking, talking about grace and being able to say to God that I need you, I have bumbled, please teach me how to follow you. I have messed things up, failed you, made mistakes. Teach me how to be. Open my heart and mind, cleanse my heart Oh Lord.

This is a complete reversal from how I felt two months ago, even a month ago. Then, thoughts preoccupied with all things I found wrong with him. Worried about introducing him to John, Dee, Steve. Not sure if I was compromising my core, ignoring issues. Though his anger flared up a bit yesterday with cars/traffic.

But now, as Jim so eloquently yet simply said on Saturday, lifting healing/nurturing up to God. I need healing/nurturing too. Being that for each other. This is what I pray for.

I am so grateful that I gave everything time. Listened to Gina’s words that he was a good man, is a good man.

Contemplating my own selfishness. How I have been narcissistic, self centered. Trying to fill myself with things, always more things to make me better when what I need is at hand. Taking care of myself. Spiritually, physically. Self-pity, oh poor me. I am owed this. I need these things to feel good, look good, when what I truly need is from above, from God. To be happy with all God has blessed my life with . Jane, John, Vivienne, Jess, Jim……To take care of my body. I don’t need more clothes. Need to take care of the clothes I have. And lose weight. Lighten up on things.

And the issue of shame. Creating shame. Recreating shame always. Can I let go of that? I am not that

Today during Holy Hour at St Clare’s quaint and adorable Eucharistic chapel, a particular sacred place for me, a thin-place, I found myself reflecting underneath prayer and silence upon work, connecting the matter to personal healing. I am growing comfortable at work, yet discovering an immense amount of growth necessary upon my part—all relating to recovery, subjects addressed within Healing the Eight Stages of Life. I am still working out of fear; guilt and shame, a sense of unworthiness dominating my behavior while on the clock. My employment creates great disturbance in being detail oriented; unable to conduct behavior maximum in efficacy, receptivity, and communication. Trust, autonomy, and initiative are the initial three personal realms of development forming within an individual, a life coming into identity and experience. The clarity of fasting enhances the understanding I have been thwarted regarding proper maturity in these initial areas. I like the words. Trust. Autonomy. Initiative. The fullness of being the most one can be is exercising these areas of personal formation and responsibilities through love–abiding within the love of Christ, while exuding love on to the world—acting out one’s part in the world without being dominated by fear. It’s one or the other. Either I am acting out of fear, or I am acting out of love. The choice is not made through will power. I cannot make the choice. Personal formation determines subconscious disposition and ways of reacting. Only through the grace of God can one overcome such travesties and imperfections. I bring the matter to my own life, comprehending my growth at work is dependent up my healing of childhood issues—losing the overwhelming fear and panic that disrupts my thinking and God given talents. Open me Lord so I can be effective and precise. It centers within the reality that my greatest healing exists within the world of a working man. The religious life is a short cut onto an easier path. To become fully healed is to remove the obstacles ingrained during infancy and childhood. I am convinced God is conducting such a process through my blue-collar work life. A childhood experience rooted itself during prayer, illuminating tendencies of anger, frustration, irritability, and self-esteem issues. I recalled being a child, losing my baseball mitt. At the time, I was a catcher, never using my normal mitt. I left the mitt behind after a game–aware of the missing glove the following day. Overwhelmed with guilt and shame, I said nothing to my father, fearful of his reaction. The incident turned revelatory when my father called me into his room. I knew something was up by the oddness of his demeanor, the fact he was isolating me by calling me into his room. He asked me where my baseball mitt was and I lied. He said to go get it. Nervous, sensing my father was irate, I turned to leave, attempting to buy myself some time to deal with the situation. He called out to me that I would not find it because a man just called saying he found my mitt at the park. He then preceded to beat me with a belt in an extreme outburst of agitation. The beating was the worst he ever levied. Throughout the lengthy ordeal a calmness swept over me. I understood my father was suffering and the beating had more to do with him than with me. God graced me with the where-withal to feel sorry for my father. Overall, my father offered an immense amount of love and attention upon me. God made it clear that his imperfections where not to be the barometer in which to measure his worthiness as a father. I love my father, yet now within a deeper prayer of necessity, I plead with Our Lord to heal me from the imperfections that were passed onto my father, and thus onto me, forever keeping the preciousness of my own Zack clearly in mind. I was far from a perfect father myself. Lord heal us, open us, allow the strengths of trust, autonomy, and initiative to build mightily, enhancing personal refinement in order to love and serve You greater. Another childhood experience emerges, imploring the Lord to heal and embolden my trust, autonomy, and initiative. I was a preschooler playing in our backyard when an accident occurred. I pooped my shorts. Everything happen so suddenly I could not stop it. The overwhelming and crushing incident ended my reality in every regard. I was devastated and paralyzed, unable to act or come up with a solution. I sat on the steps fearful of my mother’s reaction, unable to even consider her reaction. When she came across me sitting on the steps, she instantly knew something was wrong, figuring everything out in a matter of moments. The situation was resolved with irritation and verbal reprimands, hindering me with a sense of abandonment regarding trust, while guilt and shame ignited self-loathing. I like Healing the Eight Stages of Life encouraging imaginary self-induced treatment by visualizing experiences while this time adding Christ to the mix, encountering matters abiding within the companionship of Christ. Through the technique of calling upon the Divine for assistance everything is treated with love and understanding, not forgetting while forgiving, not rationalizing rather penetrating deeper. Through my employment, the exposing of weaknesses, the fact a great part of me still deals with everything through fear, panic, and mistrust I understand God is exposing the areas needed for attention. Their healing will allow me to love greater. This bring into the picture the significant other. I am convinced she is a vital reason God guides me into a commitment to work, a vocation calling forth attention to St Joseph. An overwhelming desire to become a complete man, a provider, comforter, and nurturer for the significant other built upon the idea of healing; becoming full in the light and love of Christ, sharing and loving the significant other in ascension and the glorifying of God, truly bringing out the best in one another through growth and healing. I have rambled enough, time for a mid-day nap. The fast calls forth the necessity I maximize my rest.