Biography

Subtle guidance

This blog, to a lesser degree, provides an examination of conscience, public to the discretion of anonymity except for a few. Steady reading holds to approximately eight to ten perusers. Perfect numbers in regards to efficacy and humility. Hopefully delusion is avoided, truthseeking forefront–faith, hope, and charity persevering on through imperfection. Today, I made a decision. I am not absolutely positive in terms of deeper motives. I assisted the Jewish couple blocks from my home. Afterwards, she called distraught while I was working. The Hospice volunteer who relieved me abandoned her husband, declaring him combative and unruly, reporting he was throwing his sheets irate, hysterical and tossing about. The wife came home to her husband uncovered, soaked in pee, visibly upset. He was very good with me. We even shared a moment of clarity. I was positive he was calm, at peace with everything, attempting to talk to me. I could clearly make out the word ‘alright’. Mostly, we slept. I became very tired, telling him I was going to take a nap. His wife setup an incredible recliner for me that even massages your back. I covered up with a blanket and we slept, while game shows played on the television. I woke to pray a Rosary and speak with him a little. I am confident we have established something, authentically bonding. While working, I made the decision to offer assistance to the couple. He is a large man. He must be difficult for her in regards to bathing and changing his bedding. I have to stop by after work in order to retrieve some items I accidentally left behind. Everything points to God leading me to the couple. We’ll discuss matters tonight after work. I will offer to regularly and routinely bathe him, clean him, change his bedding, and provide transportation. I thought closely about everything, guestioning myself, honestly unsure of myself, closely absorbing recent advice from the Man of Prayer, unafraid to work within personal frailties. I will not stagnant through a fixation upon my weaknesses. I refuse to define myself by sinful tendencies. It is a part of moving beyond an identity as an alcoholic. God has more in mind for me then getting stuck in self-absorbtion. I discern God active through the Jewish couple, testing and calling out, challenging toward greater maturity. The husband and wife need help. I will precede forward, trusting in God, understanding the complexities of the human psyche, pleading with my Holy Mother to know my heart in ways I do not. I will offer myself to be of service to the couple, planning to open myself to the husband, to tell him about my failings, to let him know how much I need him. I think it is mentally severe on him to be bedridden, helpless, unresponsive, yet cognizant. The mental battle for sanity a challenge beyond comprehension. He lays mostly in a fetal position, dependent upon a teddy bear. He bats at it, and cuddles with it. I even wonder if it fell off the bed and the other volunteer did not retrieve it. I honestly think I can be a friend to him, to be a source of relief for his wife.

On another note, it appears I will manage a two day weekend, necessary solace from work. Then three days of work leading to the Easter retreat, five days vacation, at the Maronite Monastery of Adoration. Downtime of devotional contemplative prayer. I need the time away from work desperately.

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Further healing

God heals, Christ forgives, Mary the Undoer of Knots unravels. The fellowship angle of life continues to astound. The Hospice called today asking if I could help out a woman, saying her name as if I would easily remember her. I came up with nothing. As soon as the woman’s husband was mentioned, I knew exactly who they were talking about. I am proud I remembered him instantly. I sat with him, allowing his wife to visit with her sister during the day. It was a one day encounter, yet I distinctly remember him. I felt guilty because I thought about his wife more than professional courtesy allowed. After the day, I prayed that God would prevent me from seeing the woman again. She is a Jewish woman, beautiful with a charming and friendly manner. She is the kind of woman who is funny without meaning to be, a talker full of life, fun to be around, prone to place her hands upon you while speaking. I was positive I enjoyed my time with her too much, finding myself subjected to horrible fantasies about furthering social activity with the woman, scheming how we could do things together. I felt a bit overwhelmed, resorting to prayer that I would have no further interaction with the woman. Today, sitting in my vehicle after Mass and Adoration, the Hospice called, immediately followed by a conversation with the woman. I felt comfortable speaking to her, happy to hear from her. She recalled my schedule, relieved I would be able to assist her in attending a funeral. She will not leave her husband alone for lengthy periods of time. I now have no problem interacting with her, comfortable with the almost two month period of silence between our last contact. I am positive God approves. There is nothing improper. Her husband is the focus, while she, as a caretaker experiencing the passing of her husband, deserves support and time to pay respect to family and friends. I am humbly and properly elated to hear from her, to be able to sit with her husband again. He is one I am positive listens to me. Last time we watched European soccer together.  I will remark that I felt uncomfortable feeding him, although his wife insisted he enjoyed drinking iced coffee from Starbucks.  She demonstrated for me and as I watched I thought to myself it seems to me all you are doing is just pouring it all over his face.  She cleaned him up nicely, explaining to me how much he enjoyed Starbucks iced coffee.  It was a nice time. I do have to reschedule with Lilly my Spanish tutor. She was understanding, insisting she has no problem moving our session to Wednesday. I will bring her two small gifts, a package of black chia seeds and fig wedges from Spain purchased  at BJ Wholesale that were marked down to two dollars. The total cost is only $4.50. It is not for the sake of being cheap, rather honoring the fact she would not find an expensive gift proper. I simply want to express gratitude for her being flexible with scheduling. This is twice now she honored my request for time changes. Both alterations coming at the behest of the Hospice. The last being the incredible experience with Louise. Both the gift items Lilly will thoroughly enjoy since she is a connoisseur of fine healthy foods. I have considered inviting her to attend a cooking class with me at Casa Dolce, however I will not invite her unless I feel a proper moment. I take responsibility for ensuring our interactions together our always respectful of our professional obligation of establishing my Spanish fluency. I perceive God is testing me by placing these two attractive, cultured, and respectful women in my life. As I said yesterday, it is too late in the game for nonsense. The burden is upon me. All for the glory of God and the salvation of souls.

Our Lady Undoer of Knots

Our Lady Undoer of Knots

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A slow Sunday at work

Mass at St Paul Shrine today. Cold and rainy, an hour jump ahead for daylight savings, too much work, the day appears as nothing special. Ramona was at Mass. She attends frequently. Praying before the Eucharist standing proud in my favorite monstrance, she sat in the front pew praying intensely. My heart and prayers went out to her. There was no inclination whatsoever to reestablish communication. It is done. May God have mercy upon both our souls. Within my healing through mature fellowship, an immersion in seeing Christ in my brothers and sisters, an understanding emerges and advances–a respect for a higher calling regarding intimacy. Personal one-to-one interaction demands particulars, psychological soundness a staunch mandate. It is too late in the game for nonsense. I am strong in solitude, anchored in the Presence of God. I do not need constant companions due to brokenness. I do not need company because I cannot be alone with God. Frailties cannot be overcome by suffocating within others. Demons only rear their heads. I do welcome others based upon perceived strengthening of spirits. None are permitted close at this time. Jim Nagle and the Man of Prayer are exceptions. Those two I speak with randomly, yet sharing personal thoughts when we do talk. Yesterday was a wonderful, warm, and simple one-to-one with the Man of Prayer in the St Paul Shrine lobby. I shared with him the blessing God bestowed upon me when allowing Louise to come to Him while I held her arm. Louise’s brother told me when she was young she was awkward. She fell down the family stairs twice, never recovering from the falls. She was always mentally slow. He told me their parents sheltered her. The nuns at her Catholic school adored her, passing her even though she could not complete her studies. She never had a boyfriend. Throughout her life, she had two jobs, neither lasting six months. Her older sister by ten years, the one I met, took care of her after their parents died. I am convinced she is a woman who lived a life dominated by fear. She reminds me of the sensitive and adorable character Laura from Tennessee Williams’ play ‘The Glass Menagerie’. The poor thing moaned and cried throughout my first visit. The accompanying Hospice nurse during her passing, her personal nurse, told me that after weeks of being unresponsive, Louise cried out to her ‘I am scared’. Doesn’t anyone reading understand the immense treasure God gave me by allowing me to comfort such a frightened soul. I kept telling her she could not imagine how grateful I was to be with her, how much she meant to me, that my life blossomed greater for spending such precious time with her. I am positive she perceived my sincerity for it was authentic and profound. Louise was too kind to me and I will never forget it. Today during Mass, after receiving communion, returning to my seat, my eyes wandered to those waiting to receive the body of Christ. An image of the cold hard profile of Ann flashed in my mind. It was as strong as if she were standing there. A satanic tint colored her profile, a cursed darkness of mind and spirit standing staring blind. The further I move away, the stronger in the practice of faith and mature fellowship I advance, the more her brokenness becomes apparent. I do not think I could celebrate Mass with her. I considered never returning to the Shrine, yet that is reactionary and short-sighted. Too much has been accomplished there to allow negativity to mold the future. The Poor Clares are too important as well as Father Roger and others. A prayer partner from St Paul Shrine, one who likes Ann, mentioned she always scared her, the woman sensing an intrinsic evil festering within her core. There is nothing to do but pray. I am sure she tries her best. Life is difficult. She battles dark interior forces. All is of God’s doing, minus our misdoing, which is still of His doing within the mystery of creation. God is good and all giving. There is a woman who intrigues me at St Clare. Unromantic, older, she provides distant comfort and support during Mass. Jim Nagle informs me she is a widow, as he describes her a soul out there alone. She sits in front of me, off to the left. Daily, I follow directly behind her to receive communion. She is harsh in her lack of attention, obviously not impressed with me in the slightest degree. I embrace her scrutiny, absorbing her strength, offering her my own. I am positive she is a spiritual equal. I catch her observing and studying me. She does not think much of me. I find comfort in the fact. I make eye contact only when I feel the moment is pertinent, avoiding her during the exchange of peace. Her presence is tangible, while intentionally ignored. I am not sure why I mention her. Analyzing myself, I would determine she embodies the maturity I need from another. She is one, if she determined it necessary, who would be able to nurture. There is no doubt I am being lifted, in my mind being formed for retiring into the cloistered religious life. Few will be able to bolster, while all are viewed as breathing, living, symbols of Christ. I did not mention about the St Clare widow, all that silent strength, a stare that speaks so loudly of an advanced spiritual state of being, is embodied in an elderly woman standing approximately five foot two. Even now, I can see her short stature, a smile instantly blossoming upon my lips. I look forward to sharing Mass with her tomorrow as we march forward toward Easter. The retreat to Massachusetts looms lovingly in simplicity and refinment. A time of doing nothing. Quietly contemplating Good Friday and Resurrection Sunday.

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Writing in the sand

Men’s Sacred Heart fellowship today, and truly a blessing it is. The insight struck penetratingly that it is not the profoundness that is significant. New answers, life changing decrees, are not why I am attending. I do not need to be there, yet it behooves me to participate. The opening comprised of the singing of three hymns is actually enough, setting the tone of camaraderie and joy. Fellowship is healing. It is fun to sing together as a group of men. In number, I believe there were fifteen men today. We read the coming scriptural readings for Sunday’s Mass. In the first reading from Isiah words arose relevant: I am doing something new. God is doing something new, something never done before through His Son Jesus Christ. Us men gathering is nothing new, yet it is relevant. After the readings, we listened to a Bishop Barron homily on the readings. The Gospel reading was the adulterous woman dragged before Jesus by the scribes and Pharisees. Bishop Barron expressed the poignant insight, defining the brutality of the religious authorities in applying God’s laws. There is a lack of love in their exercising of the commandments of God. Bishop Barron humorously points out the woman was caught in the very act of adultery. What in the world were these men doing to catch her in the act? Then they drag her to Jesus, humiliating and degrading the sinner. They do not want to heal, nor are they concerned for her soul. Even further, they desire to use the law to corner Jesus in a theological error. The men are treacherous and conniving in their perceived service to God. We must not judge them, concentrating upon their short-sighted behavior. Rather, we must see ourselves in the men. The woman is brought forth spiritually naked, brutalized in spirit, brought forth as nothing more than a means to a self-serving deceiving end. The sinner, a wounded broken soul, is stripped of all dignity, accused and accosted by those determined to bring about the laws of God. Jesus, doing something new, reaches into the heart, extending love and understanding. He heals the woman, bestowing grace. He forgives the woman. In the process, teaching those who would raise themselves above their brothers and sisters something new. There is something new under the sun and that something new is Jesus, the Savior and Son of God. Even today, over two thousand years after His birth, Christ is something new. I am grateful for the fellowship shared at Sacred Heart. I was scheduled for a bedside vigil this morning and afternoon, however a message waited for me after the men’s meeting. The patient passed away. I will recognize the fact as a sign, interpreting a calling to prayer at St Paul Shrine. It has been weeks since I have been able to attend.

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Thus says the LORD,
who opens a way in the sea
and a path in the mighty waters,
who leads out chariots and horsemen,a powerful army,
till they lie prostrate together, never to rise,
snuffed out and quenched like a wick.
Remember not the events of the past,
the things of long ago consider not;
see, I am doing something new!
Now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?
In the desert I make a way,
in the wasteland, rivers.
Wild beasts honor me,
jackals and ostriches,
for I put water in the desert
and rivers in the wasteland
for my chosen people to drink,
the people whom I formed for myself,
that they might announce my praise.

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Friday more than halfway through Lent

I have been putting together serious thought on the homework project Jim Nagle presented, defining a religious community based on my spirituality.  I will post efforts today.  In the ongoing pursuit of recovery, discerning a life conducive to contemplative expansion, I realize that during a high point of Lent, a personal religious time strong in practice, I am gaining confidence.  The fact is being challenged at work.  I am not fearing confrontation, nor the possibility of moving forward based upon my terms.  I have become cash strong, easily able to survive three plus months on savings alone.  I will not live in fear, nor attached to prideful endeavors.  My employment is negotiable.  I trust my decision making at this time.  I look back on my Cleveland experience, able to comprehend, long ago I should have parted ways from a delusional demented situation.  I hung on for the sake of change that in my heart I knew could never take place. I am proud that once the ridiculous and immature situation tried to reemerge in my life, I smashed it.  At work, avoiding detail, I will not be afraid of confrontation.  I will not live in fear, nor allow the environment around me to be tainted by manipulation and inferior ways.  I will stand upon integrity, unafraid to stand alone, while always being flexible, able to identify my own weaknesses within imbroglios.  Rationalizations, aberrations, and other forms of self-defense I will forsake.  I am reasonable in my demands.  On a more straightforward level, I will clearly identify my life as unstable, in flux in regards to permanency.  The religious life still calls strong.  Yesterday morning, following a wonderful day of fellowship at ‘Arise’, I woke from a deep slumber dazed, unsure of everything.  I did not know where I was?  I was unclear regarding details of my life?  Everything about my life was a haze.  I suffered a deep loneliness, longing, and emptiness.  I experienced God calling, establishing the fact underneath everything nothing existed except my relationship with Him.  A part of the discernment, serious reflection, regarding working is the fact I am being forced to work seven days again, producing a run of twenty-one consecutive days without a day off.  I am getting older, clearly of the mindset that I do not want to work this much.  I can structure my life on forty hours a week.  If life as a layperson is established through spiritual direction my volunteer time with the Hospice of the Western Reserve will emerge essential.  I am positive God approves and guides in this direction.  The remarkable experiences being presented to me are happening for a reason.  I will eagerly and happily sacrifice income in order give more time to the Hospice.  Right now, I am patient, residing in prayer, unafraid to state my mind, clear in direction, eagerly looking forward to the Maronite Monks of Adoration Easter retreat.  The startling morning of clarity yesterday, actually of confusion and darkness, called forth the retreat to Massachusetts as necessary, the fulfillment of my Easter celebration. Now for my ideas on a religious community, restricted to one page, direct influences residing with St Francis de Sales, St Jane de Chantal, and Abbot William.

Healing through consecration, separation, adoration, and prayer on into purity within community. Unification the aim.  Pull back the bow.  Hold steady, unification waiting upon the pleasure of God.  God gives flight to the arrow.  ‘Prefer nothing to the love of Christ’! –St Benedict

“In the building up of Christ’s Body there is engaged a diversity of members and functions. There is only one Spirit who, according to his own richness and the needs of the ministries, gives his different gifts for the welfare of the Church.” In accordance with and through the Church, a religious community, modern in birth, will be established, abiding in the grace of God, with respect to the complexity of the world two thousand years after the resurrection and assumption of Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. The charism, the spiritual influence unique to the community, will concentrate upon the sacrifice of daily Mass, healing through imitation of Christ and a devotion to Our Holy Mother Undoer of Knots, a prayer life centered upon Eucharistic Adoration, and discipline within the sacramental life and the fellowship of religious brothers. The community honors the need for fellowship, taking inspiration in the Visitation of Mary with Elizabeth, catering to those exhausted from the world, experienced in the need for acquiescence. Solitary in nature, worn and tired, individuals will be nurtured by communal religious practice. We are not hermits, rather damaged sinners in need of healing through healthy relationships, structure, and discipline. Left alone impaired by the disastrous imprinted of the world, religious individuals trend toward exhaustion, dissipation, and most horribly self-destruction. Abandoning the noise of the world, proper fellowship provides bolstering. A wise surrendering, acceptance of a personal calling, abolishes attachment, rebellion, and other delusional forms of damaging reactive thought and behavior.  A relieving immersion into the community as a whole proves sanctifying. Older men from all walks of life are welcomed. Together, we become whole, creating individually emboldened interior dispositions worthy of the infusion of God’s love. All for the glory of God and the salvation of souls. Put off your old nature which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful lusts, and be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and put on the new nature, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness. 

Worship will be aligned traditionally with the chanting of the Liturgy of the Hours, the singing of hymns, and selected readings during meal times. Mass will be the cornerstone of the day. Confession will be weekly. Spiritual direction monthly. A morning and evening communal Holy Hour before the Eucharist will provide scheduled and ritualistic silence. The evening Holy Hour will be followed by a communal Rosary. Individual paths of private worship will be determined through consultation with a spiritual director. Supporting individuality, strength and soundness of mind and body, the plague of singularity will be thwarted. The devilish influence of obstinacy, anti-authoritarianism, over-sensitivity, and self-dependence–intellectual reliance, must be disciplined. These negative personality traits, as well as a host of others, are recognized as a natural consequence emblazoned by the world upon the individual inclined toward contemplative ways. Being holy and prayerful are placed above intellectual pursuits. Spiritual competition, passive aggressive nonsense, brutal egotism, and other subtle and bold forms of fiendishness, will be warred against as a community. Confrontation will not be feared. Disputes discussed as a community. Community members must recognize their need for healing as they pass lovingly beyond the world. The strenuous work to be done is individual and interior. Conversation, simple in nature, will be encouraged during lunch and dinner after readings. Breakfast will be silent. A Grand Silence will rule after evening prayers until the start of the work day. The work day will be nourished by conversation. An exercise hour will be scheduled three days a week, with brothers encouraged to enjoy a daily walk. Communal recreation, healthy competition, such as volleyball and soccer are encouraged. Technology will not be shunned, laptops permitted within personal cells. Television will be limited to communal enjoyment. The internet broadcast only when the sun shines.  There will be no closed doors during the day, all behavior open to witnessing. Lectures and learning opportunities will be ongoing. Younger men will be placed through a rigorous examination discerning the priesthood. The community will be nurtured and survive only through the will of God. New members will be closely scrutinized. Growth for growth’s sake will not be engaged. The community will not fear nonexistence, nor small numbers, if God calls forth such a demand.

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Furthering fellowship

God, an active omnipotent presence, works wonderfully through fellowship in the healing process.  The incidents descend plentifully.  One I am intrigued with, coming deep from left field, is my own Spanish tutor.  I called the woman a couple months ago, yet she was in Austin, Texas, informing me she would call me once back in Cleveland Heights.  She called last week, the two of us texting in between.  I was convinced after our first conversation God sent her my way. I care not to speculate on specifics, yet I am convinced it pleases God to advance forward.  We had our first Spanish session yesterday, meeting at a restaurant.  Thoroughly enjoyable, the woman is remarkably good, proving pleasant in conversational Spanish, encouraging me to answer her in Spanish.  Her background is interesting with Spanish heritage, her grandparents and mother Basque country people from the city of Bilbao.  My mother calls such people the troublemakers from the north.  I find it funny, since I like to trouble my mother myself.  The interesting part, the area possessing spiritual maturity, is the fact the woman is my age and attractive.  We have fun together.  She is a mature woman, strong in disposition, cultured in interest, worldly in experience, while remaining aloof regarding her personal life.  The lasting impression is she is single. She mentions a daughter and mother, yet nothing about a husband nor boyfriend.  We both enjoyed the first lesson.  We will meet every Tuesday at ten O’clock.  Her presence definitely assures advancement in my Spanish and an increase in quality people in my life.  I have thought about the possibility of furthering the interaction to romance, carefully dissecting my thoughts.  It is natural.  I find the greatest drive to pursue romance is pride, a needy part of my personality demanding acceptance and approval on an intimate and deep level from a respectful sophisticated nice-looking woman.  There is a strong part of me that has no interest in romance, focused upon the religious life.   I am watching myself closely on this one.  The area of conflict is not severe, nor austere, not a battle demanding defeat.  It is only natural and proper to attain discernment through politeness and prayer.  Maturity comes with patience, allowing God to define matters.  To accomplish Spanish fluency is a remarkable achievement.  If the two of us manage this feat, that is enough, and quite enthralling in possibility.  Before God, I am grateful and astounded by the appearance of the woman in my life. It is humorous that arriving at the restaurant, a mini-Cooper, the same vehicle as my son, drove up and street parked in front of me.  I knew it was her. I read her two bumper stickers, one detailing the power of love while approaching the vehicle, greeting her as Lilly as the door opened.  She smiled and said James. It was simple and nice.  My goal for the entirety of our interactions.

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All glory to God

Something special has been in the air throughout the day. Louise proved special in a divine way. God offered a choice. Her brother came out to me grateful, speaking kindly, informing me I could leave if I wanted to. I asked for assurance that him and his sister would be there until two o’clock for I did not want to leave Louise alone. He said that it was up to his sister and that he could never determine what she would do. Twenty minutes later he came out informing me his sister said the visit was done. It was time to go. I sat with Louise holding her arm praying a Rosary. We were interrupted by the Eucharistic minister I saw earlier, now bringing the Eucharist to Louise.  She was from the St John of the Cross Parrish.  I continued holding her arm. It was the first patient I felt so strongly the need to touch and maintain contact with.   A hospice case worker came in and sat with us. Upon entering the room, she immediately opened a slide window, allowing a breeze to enter. Moments before, I removed my sweater. The heat was overwhelming. The breeze was immensely pleasing. I am positive Louise felt the same way. Sitting still, a moment came, I felt distant staring at nothing, continuing to hold Louise’s arm. The hospice worker interrupted the moment, asking me to put my hand on Louise’s chest, to check for a heartbeat. I looked at Louis, aware something happen. I placed my hand on her chest, feeling for a heartbeat. There was nothing. I held my hand on her chest, assuring myself there was no heartbeat. There was none. I stared at Louise, feeling immense grace. God is good and all giving. Today was a good day.

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