Returning to daily Mass at a Church I’ve become loyal to, I realized it took me six months to make it to the church under such conditions. The Solemnity of Saints Peter and Paul brought forth scripture:

…Suddenly the angel of the Lord stood by him
and a light shone in the cell.
He tapped Peter on the side and awakened him, saying,
“Get up quickly.”
The chains fell from his wrists.
The angel said to him, “Put on your belt and your sandals.”
He did so.
Then he said to him, “Put on your cloak and follow me.”
So he followed him out,
not realizing that what was happening through the angel was real;
he thought he was seeing a vision.
They passed the first guard, then the second,
and came to the iron gate leading out to the city,
which opened for them by itself.
They emerged and made their way down an alley,
and suddenly the angel left him.
Then Peter recovered his senses and said,
“Now I know for certain
that the Lord sent his angel
and rescued me from the hand of Herod
and from all that the Jewish people had been expecting.”

The last six months have been intense personally and nationally/globally. I am convinced God is calling forth a deeper faith. Trust being the virtue of wisdom. During the COVID isolation, lacking daily Mass, a profound self-awareness emerged. I understood myself better. A deep-seated anger revealed itself. Without the Church, without God, bareness abandons me to a broken psychology. I understand what it feels like to desire war, to fantasize about violently dispensing with enemies. My mind can be cruel, judgmental, and harsh–consumed with being right. Reading the Remnant Newspaper online and other conservative/traditional secular and religious sources, I discovered similar minds, yet also cautionary instincts warned. Spiritually, I must trust God more than rely upon myself. In confession, a priest warned against a reactionary life, always responding to others. A reactionary mind, rather than concentrating upon my prayer life and relationship with God and the Church, allows the world to dictate. If I permit others, especially those of opposing views, to direct the narrative of my mind, I have allowed the world to usurp God. It may be true as GK Chesterton wrote in “The Man Who Was Thursday: A Nightmare”, however I am convinced God is not calling me to defeat dark forces. God desires my loving attention and trust. Chesterton’s turn of the century insight applicable to current social conditions:

First of all, what is it really all about? What is it you object to? You want to abolish Government?”

“To abolish God!” said Gregory, opening the eyes of a fanatic. “We do not only want to upset a few despotisms and police regulations; that sort of anarchism does exist, but it is a mere branch of the Nonconformists. We dig deeper and we blow you higher. We wish to deny all those arbitrary distinctions of vice and virtue, honor and treachery, upon which mere rebels base themselves. The silly sentimentalists of the French Revolution talked of the Rights of Man! We hate Rights as we hate Wrongs. We have abolished Right and Wrong.”

Centered upon eternity, being right or wrong is being abolished for me in a certain sense. Opposite of the anarchist Chesterton identifies, I find the elimination of being right or wrong in the eyes of others a necessity. I am convinced my contemplative spirit does not call for open engagement. It disrupts my spirit, forcing upon my mind alcoholic thoughts. I need an easier softer way: Take up my yoke upon you, and learn of me, because I am meek, and humble of heart: and you shall find rest to your souls. 

With the reality separation occurs. The personal complications of my life have created a distancing from certain family members. “Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; and whoever does not take up his cross and follow after me is not worthy of me. I find those who do not support, nor nourish, my spiritual life are being eliminated. In a delightful way, their presence becomes greater as they become fixtures within my prayer life. I remember my time with the Franciscans, the religious prayer life, and the authenticity of those in my family being distant, yet so deeply entrenched within my prayers. My love for them grew. My appreciation for them increased. Pleasant memories of childhood experiences would arise.

Lord do with me as you please,
Your wisdom sustains,
Your grace maintains,
Your protection ever present,
Overwhelms senses and mind.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who have been called according to His purposes. Romans 8:28