Contemplation

Self-worth

Today is a birthday, never meaning that much. Another year gone past. My laptop is being repaired, forcing smart phone documentation and posting. I have distanced myself from posting personal revelations, enjoying a marvelous vacation. Effervescent, thoughts bubble and burst. Prayer roots itself as a grounding. In discretely, lacking concrete form, ideas from Healing the Eight Stages of Life settle upon consciousness, including the subconscious

Besides being divided into thinkers and feelers, we are also divided into intuitives and sensates. Intuitive people dream, live in the future, and have considered all the possible questions even before the teacher ask one. They are ready and can respond quickly. In contrast, sensate people live in the present, taking in all the data. A sensate is considered not about the question the teacher is going to write on the blackboard, but that no one has erased the blackboard well and that the chalk is too short. It takes an intuitive person only one second to answer the teacher’s question, but even if a sensate knows the answer it takes three seconds to give it–three times as long. Many teachers won’t wait three times as long, but instead label the student as slow and therefore will ask another student….

We can be hurt not because we don’t have gifts, but because we don’t have the gifts that school rewards….Hurts in this stage, especially those which lead us to earn love by working harder, may lead to a Type A personality striving, always obsessed with achievement and duty regarding God’s love..

While Type A people often succeed and learn to earn love by trying hard, other less successful people learn not to try at all. You might call them Type Z. The Type Z person learns that he will fail at whatever he tries, so he tends to say, “Let them do it. I don’t want to try anything new because I will probably fail”.  Both Type A and Type Z need to discover that they are good and their worth doesn’t depend on success or failure. They both need GK Chesterton advice that “if something is worth doing at all, it is worth doing poorly”.

We can also relate to God with the perfectionism of Type A or the sloth of Type Z. We can mistakenly feel God is reacting like a teacher or parent, loving us more if we do well and less if we fail. We go to mass or do good works to earn God’s love rather than his grateful responses to God loving us so much. But God’s love doesn’t turn on and off like a water faucet. God is a father who sun rises on the just and unjust (Mt 5:45) and a mother who loves us whether we are competent or incompetent, whether we have worked a full day or an hour (Mt 20:1-17). God’s love doesn’t fluctuate but rather we fluctuate in our capacity to receive God’s love. Sunday mass and good works are not to convince God to love us. Rather, they open us to receive God’s ever-present, infinite love and enable us to share it….

While the Type A person is tempted to Pelagian earning of God’s love by trying to work and pray more perfectly, the Type Z person is tempted to dismiss the value of any work or prayer. The Type Z will dismiss her ability to pray, to listen to God in Scripture, to have a personal relationship with God, or to learn more about God. In contrast, the true mystic doesn’t rely on her ability to pray well, nor does she give up because she can’t pray well. The true mystic knows that God’s love is an unknown gift and she longs to pray even when she can’t pray.

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‘The lesson of Jonah to all sinners’

I have spent hours aplenty the last couple days in the Mystic Seaport, a 19th century replication of Connecticut coastal operations. It proved pleasant. A condensed version of Moby Dick, theatrically played out of doors by a small troupe of impressive young actors, highlighted events, expressivly making evident the crossing of borders present in the presence of the vastness of an ocean. Whaling, salty water, sailing, depths, storms, and the doings of men beneath the immensity of stars. Here are two quotes from a collection of artwork devoted to life immersed within the sea.

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Searching my heart for its true sorrow,
This is the thing I find to be:
That I am weary of words and people
Sick of the city, waiting for sea,
Wanting the sticky, salty sweetness,
Of the strong wind and shattered spray,
Wanting the loud sound and the soft sound,
Of the big surf that breaks all day,
If I could see the weedy mussels,
Crusting the wrecked and rotting hulls,
Hear once again the hungry crying
Overhead of the wheeling gulls,
… I should be happy–that was happy
All day long on the coast of Maine!
I have a need to hold and handle,
Shells and anchors and ships again!

–Edna St. Vincent Millay

They have cradled you with custom, they have primed you with the preaching.

They have soaked you with convention through and through.

They have put you in a showcase, you’re a credit to their teaching.

But you can’t hear the wild? –it’s calling you.

Let us probe the silent places, let us seek what luck betide us.

Let us journey to a lovely land I know.
There’s a whisper on the night wind, there’s a star agleam to guide us,

And the Wild is calling, calling…let us go.

–Robert Service

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Peace in a maddening world

With respect to the madness gripping the world, with respect to the upcoming Republican National Convention hosted by Cleveland, a powerful poem, a favorite from my youth, emerges relevant. Wisdom for those who can grasp it–the seeker seeking the ways of Christ, the ability to comprehend the Son of God acquesicing to death upon the Cross, the hidden life of Mary, to live life from the inside out, impervious, surrendering while sublimely detached from the overwhelming influence of the secular. No bitterness, no competition, no need to be right, no need to be impressed, nothing grandiose. Simple. Simple. Simple. There comes a time one stops observing with emotion or investment, placing trust and the exercising of faith through stout spiritual practice–patient and loving with regard to matters abiding in one’s healing, family, and properly discerned service to brothers and sisters. To see one’s self as a world problem solver is a dangerous delusional game for one’s self and the world. .

Do you think you can take over the world and improve it?

I do not believe it can be done.

The world is sacred.
You cannot improve it.
If you try to change it, you will ruin it.
If you try to hold it, you will lose it.

So sometimes things are ahead and sometimes they are behind;
Sometimes breathing is hard, sometimes it comes easily;
Sometimes there is strength and sometimes weakness;
Sometimes one is up and sometimes down.

Therefore wisdom avoids extremes, excesses, and complacency.

Unknown poet

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The natural way

Moses said to the people: “If only you would heed the voice of the LORD, your God, and keep his commandments and statutes that are written in this book of the law, when you return to the LORD, your God, with all your heart and all your soul. “For this command which I enjoin on you today is not too mysterious and remote for you. It is not up in the sky, that you should say, ‘Who will go up in the sky to get it for us and tell us of it, that we may carry it out?’ Nor is it across the sea, that you should say, ‘Who will cross the sea to get it for us and tell us of it, that we may carry it out?’ No, it is something very near to you, already in your mouths and in your hearts; you have only to carry it out.” –Duetoronomy 30:10-14

A pleasant day with the significant other, Mass at St. Paul Shrine, prayer, socializing, and then lunch downtown at Heinen’s. We decided to gather our food and eat outside on the tables setup on Euclid Ave. Ambiance joyful, a buzz filled the air as just down the street the Cleveland Indians and New York Yankees were preparing to finish their weekend series. Families flowed toward the park, enthralled and expectant of a wonderful day of excitement and entertainment. Directly across the street from our urban picnic, a bold large banner announced a welcoming to the soon to commence Republican National Convention. Of course everywhere, the recent NBA championship won by the Cavaliers led by LeBron James is still savored in signage and display, also t-shirts by many walking the sidewalks. Downtown is elaborately decorated, billboards announcing the wonder of Cleveland, detailing its history, achievements, and individuals. The mammoth digital displays stationed upon intersections presents highly defined active advertisements, the liquid crystal displays amazing in broadcast advancement. I am convinced I am in a stage of life dedicated to healing, refining my natural life in order to pursue the contemplative life on a higher level. The religious life, a consecrated reposing to the cloister, has been lovingly put aside. I will live in the world, love and grow quiet amongst the chaos. Living inside-out, progressing in contentment and identity, I become more and more aware of who I am in the eyes of Christ, allowing refinement to heal, delusion and irrational ways to sooth away. I admire the effect the significant other produces: a calming simplifying conducted through gentleness and affinity. I admire the effect my employment has upon me: challenging, humbling, demanding full concentration and effort, while exhausting. During the end of last week, difficult to establish a day since they blur together working seven days a week, an experience allowed a moment of elevating personal inventory. I spent the morning at ‘my’ auto dealer negotiating details on a new auto lease. I possessed a profound sense of peace and trust, handling the situation with the presence of God abiding, while also unsure regarding my credit. There was no fear, shame, or self-consciousness. I would face my life and personal circumstances calmly and with confidence. I was approved for the lease, able to end the lease with the Rescuerer as the co-signer. It felt liberating. I made the down payment of $2000+ with cash, still leaving in my bank account a savings well over six thousand dollars. I love the brand new Nissan Rogue with only seven miles on it. The following day I returned to the dealer with the significant other, shaking hands, introducing her, talking friendly and comfortable with two of the sales team. She is so comfortable and properly self-assuring in companionship. I was impressed with her presence, fully present to a conversation with one of the gentleman regarding the wonder of little children, especially the relationship of an older pre-school sister with her only sibling: an infant brother. The salesmen shared stories of his two children. Joyfully, she is nowhere except where she stands, lacking self-consciousness, not attempting to be something more than a warm friendly individual, not intending to impress, not desperate and demanding to be perceived as intelligent, foregoing the need to act with pretense and arrogance as a weapon. She listened quietly with rapt attention to the proud father while sharing stories of her adored niece and nephew. I must cut the post off in order to make it the Jennings Center for Mass and then a meeting with a Hospice representative. I hope the reading from yesterday’s Mass is obviously evident in relevancy.

Life

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Little Flower sublimely waxes profound

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O my Jesus! Thou does never ask what is impossible; Thou knowest better than I, how frail and imperfect I am, and Thou knowest that I shall never love my Sisters as Thou hast loved them, unless within me Thou lovest them, dear Lord! It is because Thou dost desire to grant me this grace that Thou hast given a New Commandment. Oh how I love it, since I am assured thereby that it is Thy Will to love in me all those Thou dost bid me love!

Yes, I know when I show charity to others, it is simply Jesus acting in me, and the more closely I am united to Him, the more dearly I love my Sisters. If I wish to increase this love in my heart, and the devil tries to bring before me the defects of a Sister, I hasten to look for her virtues, her good motives; I call to mind that though I may have seen her fall once, no doubt she has gained many victories over herself, which in her humility she conceals. It is even possible that what seems to me a fault, may very likely, on account of her good intention, be an act of virtue. I have no difficulty in persuading myself of this because I have had the same experience. One day, during recreation, the portress came to ask for a Sister to help her. I had a childish longing to do this work, and it happened the choice fell upon me. I therefore began to fold up our needlework, but so slowly that my neighbour, who I knew would like to take my place, was ready before me. The Sister who had asked for help, seeing how deliberate I was, said laughingly: “I thought you would not add this pearl to your crown, you are so extremely slow,” and all the Community thought I had yielded to natural reluctance. I cannot tell you what profit I derived from this incident, and it made me indulgent towards others. It still checks any feelings of vanity, when I am praised, for I reflect that since my small acts of virtue can be mistaken for imperfections, why should not my imperfections be mistaken for virtue? And I say with St. Paul: “To me it is a very small thing to be judged by you, or by man’s day. But neither do I judge myself. He that judgeth me is the Lord.”

And it is the Lord, it is Jesus, Who is my judge. Therefore I will try always to think leniently of others, that He may judge me leniently, or rather not at all, since He says: “Judge not, and ye shall not be judged.”

But returning to the Holy Gospel where Our Lord explains to me clearly in what His New Commandment consists, I read in St. Matthew: “You have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thy enemy: but I say unto you, Love your enemies, and pray for them that persecute you.”  –Thérèse, de Lisieux. The Story of a Soul (L’Histoire d’une Âme): The Autobiography of

St.-Therese-web

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Mary’s love for Joseph

Mary may well have asked herself all these questions out of love for Joseph, fearing that he himself would be asking questions of this sort. But, in fact, she surrenders herself — in suffering and in sorrow, accepting not to understand — to the Father’s gracious will. Love remains present in her heart, a love full of suffering, grief and anguish, but a love which is victorious over everything. –Father Marie-Dominique Philippe ‘The Mystery of St Joseph’

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Wings of Desire

The Joyful Mysteries

The Annunciation

The Silent Way

“I am the handmaid of the Lord, let what you have said be done to me”.

So often God performs His greatest works in silence. Mary is alone as  the Holy Spirit comes upon her and the power of the Most High covers her with its shadow she conceives the Holy one to be called the Son of God. The whole world was to be affected by this event which God worked in seclusion and silence. So, too, does His grace work in one’s soul. Mary’s was a secret joy until God willed to reveal it to others.

Mother Mary, pray for us that we may always allow God’s grace to work silently in our soul.

The Visitation

The Blessed Way

Of all women you are the most blessed, and blessed is the fruit of your womb”.

Inspired by the Holy Spirit, Elizabeth knows what God has done for Mary and for all mankind. What greater blessing than to be chosen by the Father to be the mother of all of us. Through it, all glory and honor are given to the Father. “Through Him, with Him, in Him, in the unity of the Holy Spirit, all glory and honor are Yours, Almighty Father, for ever and ever”. No two women ever shared in a joy like that of Elizabeth and Mary.

Mother Mary, pray for us that our souls may be blessed with all the graces that Jesus has merited for our salvation.

Wings Dulce María Loynaz

“You have wings and I don’t. You flit through the air like a butterfly, while I go off to learn, from every last road on earth, what it means to be sad”. 

“Within you there is the weariness of a wing that has been stretched a long time”. 

Two prose pieces from Dulce María Loynez ‘Absolute Solitude’. The introduction to the first two Joyful Mysteries are taken from the Saturday afternoon prayer guide we utilize at St Paul Shrine, put together by extern Poor Clare Sister Regina.

An image of seven-fold grace.

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