Contemplation

Jun132015

Driving a gifted vehicle, celebrating the Immaculate Heart

Immaculate Heart of Mary

Immaculate Heart of Mary

Although they may be good in themselves (spiritual exercises), their proper use may only serve to confuse the mind, increase self-love and instability and thus open a way to the illusions of the devil.

Yesterday I find remarkably insightful, as I do the experiences of today. The disenchantment sweeping over my hell-bent, full-throttle to Missouri escape, a Trappist monastery excess, and then the telephone call informing there were no openings at the inn appeared heaven sent, a smack in the face of self-will, an affirming of the above words from ‘Spiritual Warfare’.

The gifted rental car is being utilized. I woke early to start my day with daily mass at St Stanislus in Cleveland. Staying within the Spirit, moving forward in life aligned with Divine Will, discovering, expanding in depth self-knowledge, who I am, I find it essential in maximizing contemplative efforts. I need depth in life. I must have depth in life. It is a part of my devoted personality type and my INTP personality; demanding order, structure, and a greater meaning within all activities; a profound awareness embracing life through love–everything focused back upon the contemplative life, the prayerful life aspiring for a greater love of God, therefore a more efficacious grace-providing servitude.  Love and meaning must rule my unique life of surrender and concentration upon prayer–the Eucharist, or I collapse into self-destruction.

INTP personality type, the Logician. “Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning”–Albert Einstein. The INTP personality type is fairly rare, making up only three percent of the population, which is definitely a good thing for them, as there’s nothing they’d be more unhappy about than being “common”. INTPs pride themselves on their inventiveness and creativity, their unique perspective and vigorous intellect. Usually known as the philosopher, the architect, or the dreamy professor, INTPs have been responsible for many scientific discoveries throughout history

I like how Dr Nichta stresses the importance of knowing my strengths and weakness within my unique individual personality. The above quote also possesses a negative side. For myself, the INTP is the self-destructive alcoholic who is willing to crash his life in order to induce the greatest drama and depth possible to the negative extreme. I will absolutely destroy myself in order to live a life of punishing meaning, despair, and dramatics—the exercising of a vigorous out-of-control intellect challenging life to the extreme. The existential writer/poet alcoholic who is unabashedly driven by the most insane intense inner-fear of the natural life, a man of God who will crush himself in the darkness of an absence of self-control, loneliness, insecurity, psychological knots, unGodly darkness, and the void of not knowing how to cope and deal with life.

My life must possess a greater meaning, depth mandatory, the opportunity to interact with life through love, to know and experience God intimately daily. That is the man I am. Shallow, superficial, hanging out having mindless fun, just being normal, absolutely does not work for me. I will destroy myself, or someone else, under such conditions. I will give an example of how my life must unfold. Today was an enlightening day, after an evening I almost pursued an avenue of excess, a superfluous Cistercian adventure, spiritual gluttony promoting self-love. The day after, starting with an early mass at St Stanislaus, things happened.  At St Stanislus–a downtown Cleveland Polish parish, after mass, an elderly man accosted me. On the day of the celebration of the Immaculate Heart of Mary, following upon the feast of the Sacred Heart of Jesus, a small intimate mass, the kissing of St Anthony of Padua relics after mass, a quaint was enjoyed. The old man followed me out of the church, uttering words desperate to be heard. I told him I would buy him breakfast at the Red Chimney, a local favorite diner just a block or so down 65th street if we met again, however today I was in a hurry to return to Toledo to visit my friend Janette. Janette, a Toledo friend, is a Polish first generation ninety-six year old woman. I told the man how pleased she would be by the St Stanislaus Shrine information brochure. I do not think the old man comprehended my words as he was so busy telling me about a chapel he restored on North Bass Island. His words were difficult to understand at times, and I was not quite sure why he was detailing to me his extensive effort to restore the Lake Erie island chapel, the incredible loss he took on the job. I do know he perfectly fit my personality type, and that every word from his mouth was a gift from God. Over and over, he assured me that he not only renovated the North Bass chapel, yet restored it to original grandeur, exactly what the church, architect, and builder intended. Though he complained extensively about losing over fifty thousand dollars on the job, and I am not sure he properly estimates his cost and labor, it is obvious he conducted a labor of love. He experienced something an old man could walk around after mass and badger others about. That is the depth and meaning I must be able to procure from life, the encountering of Divine Will.

North Bass Island chapel

North Bass Island chapel

The morning advanced into the afternoon with a Janette visit. I become nervous every time I visit. It has now been over three years of being bedridden. Ninety plus years of age, I fear for her condition upon approach, dreading the discovery of her name being removed from her door. Remarkably, I am always presented with a vibrant smile, a vivid mind full of memories, stories, and conversation. I see signs of the advanced state of being bedridden, an eye that no longer focuses, difficulty hearing, slow in motion, and a stench, yet overall the sight and conversation exercises the love I must have in order to bring meaning to life. Even now I thank God for allowing me the opportunity and insight to forego Missouri and pray the Rosary with Janette. Janette and I met through daily praying of the Rosary at St Adalbert’s in Toledo. I can remember the first time we met. Undergoing self-inflicted hell from a drinking binge, recovering, pulling my life together, I attended the mass in order to conduct a confession before Sunday mass. I knew St Adalbert’s held confession before the Sabbath celebration. After confession I prayed the Rosary with Janette. A stranger with a wonderful voice, she prayer one decade in English and the next in Polish. I found it profound to recite a decade and then hold silence during the foreign tongue. Praying the Rosary with Janette became habitual for a period in my life. Returning to St Adalbert’s in later years, the woman was missing. Exploring, searching for her identity, I learned she was placed in a nursing home. That is when I started visiting her. I credit her remarkable mental faculties and disposition at her age and condition upon her lifelong dedication to prayer. The woman is a testament to the power of prayer. The proper and most efficacious living of the spiritual life is through a vigorous prayer life. At times, I stare at Janette, pondering how can she be so peaceful, competent in thought and recollection, no touch of despair or depression, absolutely no self-pity, being bed-ridden for so long, facing death, knowing she will never leave that room. The boredom does not get to her. Despair does not touch her. This is a woman who watches no television. She still reads, loving mysteries and romances. She is such a treasure. Today during our Rosary she faltered a bit, stealing the lead from me during the third decade of the Glorious mysteries. Afterwards, we laughed about it. Before praying, I informed her I forgot to place a Rosary in my rental car. I knew she would have an extra. She handed me a beautiful blue lacy pouch containing a small feminine Rosary, one Ann made for her. I smiled, accepting the Rosary, registering her words that it is the one my friend made, listening to her comment how many people find the smaller Rosary unique and splendid. Her memory astounds me, and her consideration. Last Easter season I bought her an electronic candle Trinity arraignment. Over a year past, her first words upon seeing me today was an apology for not having my gift displayed. I chuckled, saying trust me no offense taken.

The Holy Spirit hovering, Divine Will tangible and caressing, I utilized the free rental car to move further north to visit my son in Ann Arbor. I have not been to Ann Arbor in over a decade or more. I was gratifyingly surprised. Ann Arbor has really prospered, the downtown vibrant and thriving. The restaurants, specialty stores, and ambiance present a cultured international cosmopolitan academic wonder. Ann Arbor is flourishing as a vivacious small Midwestern city. The people are a serious mix of ethnicity, culture, intellect and success, mixed with a proper amount of over-achieving artistically bent failure. A quick random greeting from a handsome physically fit oriental medical student can be appropriately followed by an older world-weary African American street gentleman sporting a crazy sparkly red clown hat sounding out a melodious Jazz tune upon his saxophone, his eyes imploring for a donation. My son’s home, his friend Emily the owner, startled me. Emily inherited the downtown home from her grandparents. She rents to a handful, exact number unknown, young adults, my son included. The home is huge and most impressively intelligently and efficiently cared for. I assisted with an electrical problem they were encountering, marveling at the recently updated electrical service feed, a precisely marked three hundred amp main electrical panel, feeding a smaller sub-panel for basement and outdoor usage. The basement was completely redone, hardwood floors installed and brick walls painted and waterproofed. Emily knows how to care for a turn of the century home. The house was mammoth, the layout millennial and brilliant. There is a vegetable greenhouse in the front yard, amidst flower beds. In the smaller, spaced utilized backyard, is clever chicken coop and fountain feeding a rock garden. Rhode Island Red chickens populate the idyllic environment. Beautiful. Inside the home, there are hydro gardens, an organized kitchen for gourmet cooking, fish aquariums, a sauna in the basement, books upon books, and other items and objects minds on fire for life need to possess. The young adults, millennials, I met were a bit intimidating with their intelligence, quick minds, education, and vibrancy to show themselves off. Crazy smart, highly educated, writers, a medical researcher, a historian, I found immense pleasure in conversation. Humbled, a bit sensitive regarding words, I felt self-conscious, on guard, not wanting to seem dumb. That is a pleasant change from my usual arrogant mindset. It is good to encounter highly intelligent minds exercising facilities to the highest degree. It properly places one in check. For myself, it provides the depth and meaning I must derive from life in order to stay sober and focused upon life. It was a maxim day of energizing contemplative efforts. I was pleased arriving in Temperance, Michigan, my mother’s home, to receive a text from Zack informing me his roommates, two attractive young ladies—pretty women are abundant in Ann Arbor—were fighting over the Michael Dibdin book detailing the adventures of Sherlock Holmes unmasking the murderous devilish corruptions of Jack the Ripper, a brilliant favorite writer taking on of the efforts of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. I purchased the book for their home at a neat crime, detective, mystery used bookstore. The store owner engaging in conversation as she picked out mysteries set in the high middle ages for me. I responded to the text, informing him Dibdin only gets better in his Aurelio Zen series. A Michael Dibdin quote from the Ratking: “Criminals have the same aspirations as everyone else. That’s why they become criminals.”

 The words mysticism and contemplation are essentially the same. Many mystical people are totally involved in affairs of the world. What makes them mystical is their great love of God and how their lives stem upward from the all-consumed love. We don’t have to grasp all the classic prescriptions on contemplation according to the master teachers, namely the saints known by their mysticism. It is not extraordinary that God is within and wants to speak to us, we need only to search within ourselves and discover that God may be calling us to a mystical life  

There is an inordinate search for the mystical. Every bookstore has a section devoted to mysticism. The modern press moves us to conjure up strange images of weird psychics and phenomenal yogis performing feats that blow the mind. What I am discussing here is not the false mysticism of a fanatical movement that captivates a person and pulls them out of touch with reality. The mysticism that I will describe is not what drug enthusiasts call ‘tripping out’. It is more like ‘jumping in’. The contemporary hermit monk, William McNamara,OCD, author of numerous books on Christian mysticism, teaches;”The mystic is not an isolated thinker who simply loves to reflect, prowling around in the sanctuary of his own psyche. Most of the mystics I know are strong , robust and vibrant, almost fierce, obsessed with a Zorba-like, or better, Christ-like madness.”1

The authentic Christian mystic does not look for the extraordinary. A mystic has a direct intuition of ultimate reality and is convinced of his divine intimacy with God. The genuine mystic is known by joy, patience, trustfulness and peace.

Contemplation, although the highest form of prayer, is not an elite, lofty endeavor for special ‘holy’ people. It is for ordinary, happy, uncomplicated people who enjoy being with God.

Contemplation is a long, loving, listening, joyful look at the real God, at our real self,’at real people and at the real world. Down in the depths of contemplation, we play no games…. we are dealing there “in the sacred sanctuary of the core of our being,” says St. Augustine. Simply stated, it is a personal experience of God, a direct and immediate contact with the divine. It is as Moses experienced…seeing God face-to-face, not through a concept or an image but directly through faith.  —Jacqueline Gallowy

Downtown Ann Arbor, Michigan

Downtown Ann Arbor, Michigan

 

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Jun112015

Discernment

Discerning, slipping slowly into the ethereal, while my feet trudge drudgingly though the mud, the Poor Clares of Perpetual Adoration waft through, with, and in sound, and vision, and yet something more. I am watching, waiting, praying, understanding there is no place else I would rather be, right now. The sisters have elevated their spiritual life to no compromise, beyond words, opinions and identity. There is a reason I have become focused upon them. Open minded, moving away from judgment, I take note of how they are doing day after day. What people think means nothing in the longevity of time and the continuing of days. Immediate community companionship, a threat, it still allows the opportunity for exercising love, while St Teresa of Avila and others exist to suppress and instruct. Everything centered in prayer. Life is truly religious. I watch, ruminating. Thy will be done. A life to be lived, yet like the single life, it is a dangerous life, even more, dangerous because it is more difficult. Marriage excites, properly holding to Tobaih and Sarah, to embrace the eternal with another, the reduction of immaturity and imperfections just really does not seem possible. Damage accumulates and surmounts within those faltering within broken single lives, children in the spiritual life, playing through selfishness, religion just a means of entertainment and the claiming of a superior identity. Patience and prayer, a struggle with my interior conflicts with my vicious inclinations and the performance of acts of the contrary virtues. To run away to the cloistered contemplative life improperly is a grave mistake. It will crush, induce insanity; sloth becoming a sin patiently, aggressively inducing a horrible death. Witnessing, there is a Trappist monastery, identity left alone, in which failure has become a way of life. God instructs through example. The vocational director, a friend I have not contacted in years, blunders deeper and deeper into insanity. My love for him is tremendous. My heartbreaks every time I speak to him. The communication becomes absurd at times. Matter of fact, I see him so clearly, the monastery will be a destination this weekend, the Ozarks always a sensation to encounter. A weekend retreat appears, becomes a reality, with the thought of ascending descending into the morning. Clearly, the need for reflection and peace manifests itself. God is good, giving, and instructing.  The Trappist lifestyle lived to a struggling state of stagnation will be shared.

Ah, My child, aren’t you convinced yet that you can only take as much light, grace, variety and virtue as you know about? Of course there have been saints who have always done My Will, but they have taken from My Will only as much as they knew about. They knew that doing My Will was the greatest deed, the one that honored Me the most and which won sanctification. They acted with this intention and this they took, because there is no sanctity without My Will and no goodness or sanctity, great or small, can exist without It.

This Mary statue is from the Trappist home. It captures my fancy through the neglect shown to it. There are no Rosaries being prayed for Our Beloved Mother. The absence of prayer is tangible, knowing the situation I see it in the photo. Whenever I observe the photo, the thought is forefront of Our Holy Mother being neglected. I was with my familial mother this weekend, spending time at my father’s gravemarker with my mother and my son, sounding Hail Marys and a prayer to the Sacred Heart of Jesus. The cemetery is holy, a place of prayer; peace and quiet warmly extended, a pond center, the presence of water present. My mother spoke excitedly to us about plans to install a sitting bench in front of my father’s gravemarker. It will be her seat for praying the Rosary. Places of prayer attain a presence easily to immerse ourselves within. St Paul’s Shrine is such a divine connecting space. Our Lady of Sorrows does not possess such warmth in this statue. Still, she radiates and calls forth.

Mary Assumption

Mary Assumption

Father,
I honor the Sacred Heart Of Your Son,
Brutalized by the corruption of my deeds,
Yet symbol of the triumph of love,
Pledge to all that I am called to be,
Teach me to see Christ in all the lives that I touch,
Allow my life to be a living worship to you My Lord
through love-filled service to my brothers and sisters,
Through the Sacred Heart of Jesus wash me from my iniquities,
Cleanse my heart,
so I can love greater,
Amen

Hidden Abode, an Ozark alcove.

Hidden Abode, an Ozark alcove.

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Jun102015

Identifying proper application, maximizing energy

Now that you are in a position to please Him more than ever, speak from the fullness of your heart and say: “It is the will of God that is accomplished in me. From all eternity God’s love has chosen me to undergo this suffering today. May He be blessed forever! …Recollection and attachment to God should be a normal attitude…Your chief activity will be the interior conflict with your vicious inclinations and the performance of acts of the contrary virtues…It must not be imagined that a multiplicity of exercises (spiritual) will produce any real progress in devotion. Although they may be good in themselves, their proper use may only serve to confuse the mind, increase self-love and instability and thus open a way to the illusions of the devil. –‘Spiritual Combat’ Dom Lorenzo Scupoli

An interesting turn of events has been occurring at work for weeks. There is a general panic, fear of lay-offs due to a reduction in workload. It has become personal for myself now that it has been announced my Saturday work will be eliminated, and weekdays reduced to eight hours. First, a bit of a pat on the back, I remain fearless, removing myself from gossip and speculation. What comes, comes, and God allows all things to happen. I trust in God. Everything is exactly as God wills at every precise moment in my life. I have to be more accepting as I grow closer to the One Who is the Most Accepting. My initial panic is a serious decline in my paycheck, yet in truth that is paranoid. All I do is hoard money, living remarkably cheap. God has placed me in a perfect temporary home, demanding minimal rent in a wonderful neighborhood. Where my mind quickly steers toward fear, there truly is nothing to fear. The challenge will be to discern properly the blessing of an increase in personal leisure time. That is why I quoted the above writing of Dom Scupoli. My tendency is too overindulge in spiritual activity, spiritual gluttony, yet that is a form of selfishness, promoting self-love. Maximizing energy in regards to greatest contemplative efficacy involves utilizing my time wisely.  Accepting my strongest battle is behavior and thought contrary to virtue, the realization centers that an increase in time will magnify the battle. Knowing myself, that I am a man of schedule and routine, a devoted personality always seeking to love, while easily slipping into dependency, I understand a battle plan will have to be instituted. I am not afraid of sadness nor boredom. I must not preoccupy myself with social superficial activity simply for the sake of avoiding proper unpleasantness, neither do I allow sloth and depression to overwhelm me. I am in a period of serious grieving, yet I move through it, learning from it. How can I use a serious increase in personal time, while staying aligned with the will of God, not becoming morbidly depressed or overly busy, exercising dependency, seeking out others simply to block brutal reality? Alcohol is defeated, yet life is still difficult. A strong prayer life does not solve all my problems, cannot fill all of my time. In fact, too much prayer activity will asphyxiate my prayer life. My blogging efforts are establishing and other activities demonstrating a love of writing and expressing myself. Authentically, I open myself to a proper reception of divine matters while writing, steering away from self-glorification, expanding faith, hope, and charity. I accurately demand accountability from writing efforts, while allowing myself the option of being wrong. Perfection is not demanded. Previously in life, I felt I had to be drunk to write. It is why so much of my fiction is difficult to expose. In my heart, I aspired toward goodness while opening the door to demons. It would surprise nonalcoholics how strenuously active alcoholics fight in drunkenness to remain righteous. A futile battle, insane warfare, the majority of drinking alcoholics focus on nothing but redemption. I think that is why so many become so devout in faith once they are able to sober-up properly. They have known the dredges of misery, clinging tightly to truth when they are finally able to live it. However going about spiritual matters in an excessive, obsessive manner is also dangerous. Extremes do not work. It is a difficult game, a balancing act involving the acceptance of pain and boredom. An increase in creative writing efforts, an older story temporarily titled ‘Man Tower’, predominantly written sober, explored in this blog, will be resumed.  I have been editing, rewriting, now I will expand into new areas, a strenuous endeavor as it involves incorporating scripture synchronized with Thomas of Celano’s ‘First Life of St Francis.  A historical fiction work, extensive research must be resumed, thus the further filling of healthy time. Yesterday, I played basketball, first time in three weeks. Performing horribly, making a handful of shots, while I never stop shooting. I lost every game. I had a blast. The men are such a blessing in my life. They were so happy to see me. I was moved by the gentleman who hosted the cookout at his ranch. Zoltran made a point of informing me his wife had the serving bowl I left at their home. The cookout was over two weeks ago. I said, ‘Zoltran the bowl cost me a dollar fifty at the dollar store. I consider it disposable’. He said, ‘so you do not mind if we use it to feed the chickens’. I could only laugh, thankful to be once again in his company. That is activity that accentuates my prayer life, my contemplative efforts. Daily exercise will be incorporated, utilizing the wonderful Cain Park. Overall, my new urban neighborhood offers a smorgasbord of social activity. It seems every time I go for a walk, or jog something interesting occurs. The other day walking through the park, I was admiring a freshly painted park bench when to my wondrous surprise I noticed a twenty dollar bill underneath. I retrieved the bill, seeking out the young redhead painting the benches, yet she said it was not hers. There is an attractive woman who was exercising near. I see her quite often. I will ask her if she lost anything the next time I see her. That reminds me. I received an e-mail from Father David Mary. It brings tears to my eyes to state that we will be conducting an ongoing effort of reconciliation. For all of our differences, I never for a moment questioned the man’s priestly dedication and awesomeness. His spirituality I respect to the highest degree. My prayer life was elevated to an incredible level under his guidance, a love of the Eucharist and an awareness of the power of Adoration firmly established. He is truly a powerful priest pursuing and fulfilling a unique mission. My heart is lightened to know we will be working together in spirit. That invigorates my prayer life, energizing my contemplative efforts. Regarding the maximizing of energy, filling time appropriately, my focus upon marriage must be clarified a bit. I spoke with my friend Carol and she laughed at me, saying you are not ready for marriage. It was said with all due regards to graciousness, complementary. I was not so much making a demand to be married right now, more than defining. Everything was so insane with Ann in regards to male/female interaction that I had to set everything straight in my mind. The marriage I seek may still be with the Church. I am encountering a Eucharistic based organization centered upon the ways of St Peter Julian Eymard, discerning participation. My experience with Father David Mary has enlightened me to the fact sensitivity is essential in regards to effective spiritual association. Charism and proper suitability for all involved essential to producing bountiful fruit. Thy will be done.

An image for soothing the mind.  A favorite Mary statue from the Holy Rosary Cathedral in Toledo, excuse questionable quality.  I love the strength of Mary in this statue.  I think of her as bold, proud, and strong in the presentation.  The size may not come through in the photo.  Our Lady, seated, stands I would approximate eight feet tall, larger than life. There is a tremendous might to her presence. It is located in a private setting allowing precious alone time.  The power she possesses as the crowned Queen of Heaven majestically comes through in the statue.

Holy Rosary Cathedral Toledo

Holy Rosary Cathedral Toledo

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Jun102015

In Vocation

Caressing the spine, running up and down sublime,
Private time alone, a smile within, subduing,
Knowing the mockery of life, the anger of imperfection,
Impediments, surrender to simplicity, grieve,
Nothing new under the sun, seeking nothing extreme, nothing to hold up for others,
You challenge me to be so bold, everything unfolds into poverty, leading on into…
Alone acquiescing, retiring into the soul unafraid, allow the pain,
Grace, distance, space between time, birth and death,
Breathing, the Eucharist radiating, emotion evanescent, disappearing,
Eternal, a moment in time, prayer passing beyond, resplendent, withdrawn,
No place else to be, no place else attracts, no place else to dwell,
Home, the Church, ceasing to be as I begun, set apart,
Marriage, a bride too immense to be properly embraced, a community of sisters effaced,
Love, silence voicing the emotion, hymns sounding the celebration, mass offering the sacrifice,
With, in, and through,
Communion, adoration, one-on-one, a personal relationship, contemplation, weakness, insufficiency, fortitude, confiding in confidence, a confession,
Incense burning, Holy Spirit hovering, Father unchanging, Son waiting, Mother dispensing,
Everything comes together at rest,
Everything comes together gradually,
Everything comes together through patience,
Everything comes together through practice,
Everything comes together in trust.
Everything comes together in confidence,
Everything comes together in faith,
Everything comes together in hope,
Everything comes together in charity,
Unification, slow, steady, and difficult,

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Jun082015

Monday musing

Thoughts after mass today. I cannot dismiss the bond I have developed with the cloistered Poor Clares of Perpetual Adoration. Meeting with them yesterday was an odd moment. I cherish such odd moments. One of the sisters wears thick lens glasses. The strongest visual image is her huge magnified staring eyes. The sister’s abnormally big eyes aware established an otherworldly ambiance. I became nervous, spellbound, dazed, while introduced. Expected to say a few words, I awkwardly stammered appreciation for celebrating mass with them. The idea struck me to show them my Eucharist necklace. It seemed I could not grip the necklace properly, fumbling as my Miraculous Medal and monstrance became entangled. Finally presenting the necklace the sisters gathered, whispering, one announcing, ‘It’s a monstrance like ours’, another adding ‘also a Miraculous Medal’. I felt deeply proud they saw my necklace. Looking up, I met eyes with my special sister. She penetrates me, foreign, dark skinned, I assume Indian. I could not hold her vision, dropping my eyes to the ground, a smile arising from my heart blossoming upon my lips–the Holy Spirit bellowing within. Without looking, I knew she smiled also. The cloistered life, I cannot dismiss. Amidst my discerning, my intense devotion to the sisters is identified as central to my formation. The sisters produce immense love in my heart. I sit able to observe them, never seeking attention, yet acutely aware. My place of worship is their home. I am a guest. I follow their lead during hymns, responses, and prayers. Voicing, I search for their voices, tuning to the best of my abilities. In prayer, I seek their hearts, pleading the sisters are emboldened with fervor and peace, able to save souls and produce graces with their lives of sacrifice, obedience to the Church and the ways established by St Clare, and their adoring of the Eucharist. The Eucharist reigns supreme in my beloved sister’s home. I cannot imagine celebrating daily mass anywhere else. I questioned improper motivation on my part, vengeance upon Ann the reason I anchored at St Paul’s. I am positive that is not the case. I made plans to center my life and worship with the Mercederians, yet it did not work out. God wants me at St Paul’s. Speaking of Ann. She was at mass today. I purchased a Rosary today from Sister Clare Marie. I left my Lourdes Rosary in Toledo visiting my sister. The Rosary Ann made me, my favorite, is broken. The new Rosary caught my eye. It is green. I have never had a green Rosary before. While holding my new Rosary, Father Roger happen to walk into the store. Sister asked him to bless the Rosary, and sprinkle holy water upon it. I told father it will be my car Rosary, never removed except for at St Paul’s. While blessing the Rosary, he also blessed my car. I was thankful. As crazy and impatient as I can drive, and now constant city driving, I figure it is very good to have my car blessed. I told sister I felt drawn to the green color, yet I did not know why. I asked her what does the green symbolize to you. She instantly responded HOPE. The first Rosary prayed upon my Rosary of Hope, the Joyful mysteries, I offered to Ann. Not in a disgraceful way, God you know she is a worthless piece of crap, yet I am so magnanimous I will pray for this vile worm. I offered nothing, no intentions, simply her name. After mass, I noticed Ann seated. My heart was deeply calm cleansed for the moment. I will do nothing against her. I cherish the victory today, patiently waiting upon each day as it comes. It is very hard. I am a little disappointed in the new Rosary. The cross is excellent in my hand. I must feel a solid quality cross in my right hand, while praying. The body of Christ crucified a physical tangible presence. My disappointment is with the Our Father beads. I prefer a distinct large bead, an obvious announcement a decade is complete. The Rosary of Hope beads are all the same. The Rosary Ann made is excellent. It will be repaired and placed back into service.

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Jun082015

Marriage and being single as a contemplative

The idea of being a devoted personality type, acknowledging the positive aspects of charity and loyalty, along with the negative tendency toward dependency, marriage (the essence) and proper Catholic socializing is dominating my mind, being formed in proper dimension’s. Alcoholism and existential passivity aiming at being a Superman, while becoming an underground man–now defeated within a lifelong dedication to Catholicism. I have been reborn at fifty. My kneejerk passion is I want to be married. Concretely, the union of a man and woman comes into focus, the sacrament of marriage I muse upon longingly. I read through the Catechism, exploring the profoundness, continual focus upon marriage within Catholicism. Sacred Scripture begins with the creation of man and woman in the image and likeness of God and concludes with a vision of “the wedding-feast of the Lamb. Scripture speaks throughout of marriage and its “mystery,” its institution and the meaning God has given it, its origin and its end, its various realizations throughout the history of salvation, the difficulties arising from sin and its renewal “in the Lord” in the New Covenant of Christ and the Church.

My thoughts go to an incident with Father David Mary. We spent a summer week with seminarians in Minnesota strengthening the faith through communal interacting. Father instructing the young men entering their sophomore year of undergraduate study on the life of a priest, while the friars spent a week of instruction with an educating priest supplying a quick weeklong overview of Catholic moral theology. The closing Sunday mass celebration father gave a remarkable homily, expressing his rousing passion for being a priest. Something he said marked me deeply, the idea applicable for all Catholics. He spoke extensively and practically regarding the establishing of a sound prayer life for the young men, stressing they were young, enjoying leisure time, able to indulge and discern their personal proclivities in prayer. A daily holy hour, the Rosary, meditation, a litany of prayers, quiet time with the Lord, lectio divina, of course father followed the teachings of Bishop Fulton Sheen in firmly promoting Eucharistic adoration as the strongest means of establishing a personal relationship with the Lord. If the young men did not form a stout daily prayer life early in their priestly formation they would never be able to once entering the priesthood. The demands, time constraints, and struggles were too difficult. During the overwhelming responsibility of being a priest, they must persevere in prayer, setting aside every a day an hour of alone time with God. Not writing, reading (lectio divina ok), nor reasoning, performing the Liturgy of the Hours–none of these edifying endeavors qualified. Rather personal prayer was listening, pleading, imploring, sitting still and being quiet. The personal prayer hour would become their solace, source of strength, and only effective way of fulfilling their role as a Catholic priest. Eventually as priest, the young men would find it would be the highlight of their day, a favorite time anticipated eagerly. The young seminarians must establish an effective prayer life now. They must ignite a personal relationship with the Trinity through their personal prayer life right now.

In regards to marriage and proper Catholic socializing as one striving for a penetrating contemplative life, father’s guidance is essential. If I do not exercise a strong prayer life, if I am not dedicating that daily hour to the Lord my efforts are futile, an abomination of self-will. The increasing of the two greatest commandments, the blossoming of LOVE occurs within our personal relationship with Christ, our prayer life. Catechism on the sacrament of matrimony: God who created man out of love also calls him to love the fundamental and innate vocation of every human being. For man is created in the image and likeness of God who is himself love. Since God created him man and woman, their mutual love becomes an image of the absolute and unfailing love with which God loves man. It is good, very good, in the Creator’s eyes. And this love which God blesses is intended to be fruitful and to be realized in the common work of watching over creation: “And God blessed them, and God said to them: ‘Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth and subdue it.'” In order to participate in such loving Catholic relationship–the quote expanding to parental responsibilities, we must possess the means to nurture love and that is through our personal prayer life.

I am confident this is why Dr Nichta became agitated regarding Catholic socializing based upon spiritually directing one another. Relationships based upon telling each other how to live and practice the faith are really absurd, a perversion of faith. Healthy Catholic interacting is not based upon instructing one another. Accumulating knowledge, putting time in through daily mass, establishing a reputation amongst followers, are only busy work without the personal relationship with God based upon quietness, humility, and surrender. Without a prayer life we ultimately have nothing to offer others–profound insight and knowledge negated, eventually guiding to self-inflicted destruction. Without a prayer life we have no means to profoundly increase the presence of love. Without a prayer life we have no means of discerning God’s will. We cannot exercise or receive proper spiritual guidance without a prospering prayer life. In a marriage or a Catholic relationship lacking both (all) individuals reinforcing their individual faith through a vigorous prayer life, it would lead to power struggles, manipulation, and ultimately frustration, and possibly even warfare. The Catechism covers extensively that the sacrament of marriage does not absolve original sin, the sinning nature of man and woman exist within marriage. UnGodly ways will take command of a marriage. Efforts must be put into place to ensure the sanctity of the marriage.

In life as a single, virginity, chastity tantamount, the Catechism clearly declares a life in imitation of Christ. Christ is the center of all Christian life. The bond with him takes precedence over all other bonds, familial or social. From the very beginning of the Church there have been men and women who have renounced the great good of marriage to follow the Lamb wherever he goes, to be intent on the things of the Lord, to seek to please him, and to go out to meet the Bridegroom who is coming….Virginity for the sake of the kingdom of heaven is an unfolding of baptismal grace, a powerful sign of the supremacy of the bond with Christ and of the ardent expectation of his return, a sign which also recalls that marriage is a reality of this present age which is passing away…..Both the sacrament of Matrimony and virginity for the Kingdom of God come from the Lord himself. It is he who gives them meaning and grants them the grace which is indispensable for living them out in conformity with his will. Esteem of virginity for the sake of the kingdom and the Christian understanding of marriage are inseparable, and they reinforce each other: 

Whoever denigrates marriage also diminishes the glory of virginity. Whoever praises it makes virginity more admirable and resplendent. What appears good only in comparison with evil would not be truly good. The most excellent good is something even better than what is admitted to be good

Being single is truly the more difficult way, the one possessing the possibility of greater eternal rewards, yet its difficulty must be stressed over the glory. I put forth that very few people remaining single, not accepting Church sanctioned celibacy, obedience, and edification through the life of a proper religious, will not be able to live a vibrant spiritual life. A life alone, answering to no one, unaccountable, able to move about not answering for words, thoughts, and conduct is a dangerous life. Commitment and obedience to no one begs forth perversion, spiritual sickness allowed to fester and move about when ever challenged or proper healing presented. As in marriage, celibacy does not absolve a sinning nature. I admire the closing Catechism quote by St John Chrysostom. Marriage and virginity complement one another, working within the body of Christ together. A prospering Catholic single is able to move about, socializing with married couples, enjoying children, being humbled, not insulted, by the fact good families will tend to see the single person as incomplete. Good people convinced the single life is empty, or there is something wrong with the single person, a temper issue, sexual confusion, or selfishness ruling the single person’s life. A spiritually prospering single will embrace the scrutiny, able to stay simple and proud, secure in faith, hope, and charity, presenting a deeper lessen about life: Virginity for the sake of the kingdom of heaven is an unfolding of baptismal grace, a powerful sign of the supremacy of the bond with Christ and of the ardent expectation of his return, a sign which also recalls that marriage is a reality of this present age which is passing away….When the body assist in all parts becoming stronger, the body becomes greater. Singles and married Catholics must strengthen one another, respecting, admiring and learning from each other. They must humbly engage one another.  What appears good only in comparison with evil would not be truly good. The strengthening of the body of the Church is through balance, all parts recognizing the good within one another. If I am only good based upon my declaring of other things evil, not perceiving God’s will within all things, I am failing as a Catholic. And not so much in finding other things evil, yet not properly respecting or honoring all parts of the Church. This is where an extreme difficulty of being single, and truly following in the way of Christ presents itself, demands the embracing of humility, demands the strengthening of a proper prayer life. I cannot traverse a more difficult spiritual path without the essential strengthening of a rich prayer life.

This is becoming longer than intended. I am simply going to quit, more thoughts ruminating, yet I close. Life calls and I answer.

Final thought, contemplate that last sentence of St John Chrysostom: The most excellent good is something even better than what is admitted to be good.  A bit of a stretch, yet I propose: the wonder and marvel of mystery usurping speculation (reason), presumption and even remarkable knowledge exist within the words.  The wisest can instruct and guide on goodness to the highest degree and still it is nothing compared to the personal insight the Holy Spirit provides those able to immerse themselves within mysteries through a strong prayer life, or even better truth unrecognized, truth unknown stymies that which is known.

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Jun072015

Being wrong is edifying

A clarification regarding the last post after a discussion with my favorite Tanzanian priest. Father stressed that the two natures of Jesus, Divine and human, are always present. At times, one of the natures would dominate. The transfiguration would be a time the Divine nature dominated: And the Word was made flesh, and came to dwell among us; and we had sight of his glory, glory such as belongs to the Father’s only-begotten Son, full of grace and truth. (John 1:14). During the crucifixion, the human nature influenced greater. No man has ever gone up into heaven; but there is one who has come down from heaven, the Son of Man, who dwells in heaven. And this Son of Man must be lifted up, as the serpent was lifted up by Moses in the wilderness; so that those who believe in him may not perish, but have eternal life. (John 3:13).  Overall, father is hesitant discussing demanding theological issues with a layperson. An aspect of his priestly subtle brilliance I admire. I adore his constant stressing of the importance of mystery, the relaxing of a reasoning approach, unspokenly supporting the direction of St John of the Cross defining faith, hope, and charity as the proper means to access God. I do not take my thoughts overly serious. I am no theologian. I am no Church authority. I am a man recovering from alcoholism. I possess a deep prayer life, exercising adoration daily, celebrating mass daily. I have read a lot. I have experienced a lot. I trust in God, believing I have artistic insight. I am willing to be wrong. I am wrong. Today I was wrong twice blatantly. First regarding the Corpus Christi procession. I became excited, assuming.we were taking the Eucharist out to the streets. That is a Corpus Christi procession I am familiar with through Father David Mary. Today we simply walked within the church. It was a wonderful celebration the sisters on fire singing. After mass, I was able to meet with the cloistered sisters, informing them of the strength and inspiration celebrating daily mass with them brought me. One who is special meeting eyes, forcing my eyes to the ground. I showed them my filled monstrance necklace, along side a Miraculous Medal. It is smaller, yet identical to the sisters’. I did not know that when I bought the Eucharistic medallion. My second case of being wrong involved a Philippine woman. My friend Andrew, maintenance employee, informed me of a Philippine woman attending the Church for five years praying for a husband. I thought I would like to have lunch with this woman. I believed I was speaking to this woman before mass. After mass, after visiting with the sisters, I sought the woman, inviting her to lunch. She thanked me for the invitation, responding my husband and I would love to have lunch with you. Embarrassed, I apologized. She insisted, saying she enjoyed celebrating mass with me. She sat right behind me. She intelligently said we are all Christians and we know many people. I would like you to enjoy lunch with us. I responded that I would like that myself. The idea brought pleasure. Socializing with Ann, there were never families, no children, no couples married in Christ. The singles world leaves me cold and empty, feeling shallow and selfish, incomplete and confused, scattered and absolutely depleted spiritually. The idea of socializing with a devout couple excites me the more I think about it. Regarding Ann, she is strongly in my prayers. Today was such a moving religious experience I find myself able to dismiss the project of putting everything in writing. My mind desires and knows it could crush her, so many more things to say, that she deserves to be crushed, yet my heart says peace.

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