Warfare

Dec182014

My Cross

Thy will be done. God determines my cross, my appropriate suffering. Self-imposed misery, self-induced suffering is not redemptive. Despair, hopelessness, are perversions, diverse from God’s order. Self-seeking and rationalization inflict personal elevation, spiritually devastating, blinding understanding. To ask God to forgive those who I perceive to have sinned against me, yet in truth have done me no harm, is an affront to God. To play the victim over and over is to be a spiritual coward. To be a martyr when God does not call for one is poor discernment. My faith is not a means of self-justification. My trust in God simplifies, inducing kindness, a disposition others are able to trust. If complexity, strangeness, and a vacillating nature are the results of my spiritual efforts, self-will rules. If people find me vague, incomprehensible, moody, difficult to deal with my spiritual life is out of balance. Do not create suffering. Allow God to provide proper suffering. He will oblige.

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Dec152014

Head, Heart, Hand

Doing research for Unlikely Wanderer, ideas were presented paralleling my thoughts on head, heart, and hand. The Jewish tradition of adorning oneself with the Shema powerfully connects the head, heart, and hand with the greatest commandment of God, Deuteronomy 6:4-9. In my fiction piece on Bogdan, the Dacian youth, the Old Israelite utilizes the tefillin. I thoroughly enjoy when my Catholic faith connects with the Jewish faith.

You have a brain. It is in one world. Your heart is in another. And your hands often end up involved in something completely foreign to both of them. Three diverse machines.

So you put on tefillin. First thing in the day, you connect your head, your heart and your hand with these leather cables—all to work as one, with one intent. And then, when you go out to meet the world, all your actions find harmony in a single coordinated purpose…

Link to website: Tefillin

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Dec122014

Engaging Warfare

A religious once proposed this question: How it could come to pass, that having very good desires, he yet found himself very weak in executing them, and fell into many faults, without advancing to perfection? They to whom he proposed it attributed this weakness to a neglect of attending to himself, a lack of discipline, and each one prescribed what means he judged most profitable. But they prescribing several which he found did him no good at all, he at length addressed himself to an ancient father, well versed in spirituality, who told him that this happened not from a neglect of attending to himself, but rather from a lack of courage and resolution. –St Alonso Rodriguiz

Words of Faith, Hope, and Charity offered to Ann Marie on the Feast Day of Our Lady of Guadalupe.

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Dec072014

Grace builds upon nature

A measuring gauge I utilize when dealing with others dedicated to the religious life is their ability to absorb criticism. Not that I am judging, I just really notice those who are overly sensitive, convinced it is a glaring character defect. The religious life is serious business, yet I find malleability, flexibility is essential when socializing within and without the Church. We don’t have to be so serious with everyone. I recall reading St Francis of Assisi placed himself under obedience to any and all who approached him. It was bothersome to the other friars that he was constantly running off tending to the smallest errands for complete strangers. I imagine a conversation between the early friars. “Where is brother Francis?” “He went off to get a walking stick for the old man whose knee is troubling him, then after this the baker asked him to fetch some milk, then Renata had him hang curtains in her home, and after this he has promised to help Gabriella find shoes for her three children, and the priest is still waiting for him to assist in moving some furniture”. I have a friend I value immensely as an integrity based, scrupulously moral, well read, intelligent Catholic, however his inability to cope with the slightest opposition stuns me. He is too easily insulted. Often, a casual comment from a stranger can enrage him. I am reminded of a friary story. A sister began receiving nightly visits from the Virgin Mary. Several things about the visions, including spoken words, disturbed her. Seeking the advice of a proper Church authority, she was told to spit on the vision. The superior immediately suspected Satan was behind the supernatural acts. The witnessing sister was startled by the advice, asking what if it truly is the Holy Mother. The superior responded that if it was truly Our Holy Mother she would simply wipe away the spittle and smile. If it was Satan, unable to tolerate the slightest offense, the vision would expose its evil nature. The sister spit on the image and the image immediately convulsed into violent rages, cursing and declaring vengeance. The obvious example of the ultimate holy tolerance is Our Savior. All powerful, able to call down legions of angels, he accepted the scourging at the pillar, the carrying of His cross, and then ultimately His crucifixion. Our Lord and Savior forgave those who saw fit to cruelly punish and put him to death. He did not take it personal. Those not aligned with the will of God live under the influence of an unsteady hyper-sensitivity. They are effortlessly and constantly knocked off balance. Acceptance and tolerance of personal insults, criticisms, and injustices are excellent opportunities for developing humility and spiritual fortitude. Keeping clearly in mind, that proper acceptance includes forgetting, not internal festering.

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Nov162014

An approach to prayer

A roaring lion, I center myself upon the presence of God. Disregarding surroundings, I close my eyes. Roaring through consciousness, interiorly warding away the exterior, silently screaming for all to back away, warning with all my might for disturbances, all things attempting to distract to stay away: stay away my neighbor, stay away my enemy, stay away my friend, stay away brother and sister. The adversary may roam about like a roaring lion, yet now I roar back before I place myself completely before my Lord, demanding that I do it to the best of my ability.

Lord let me prepare myself before adoring. Honest in woundedness, with open and absolute intent, I seek to place myself before my Lord. I am fearful of all, including my Lord, and most of all myself. Fear rules, yet the fear is healthy, acknowledging the seriousness of being alive, the accountability life demands, the aftermath of original sin, Triune mercy and love. I know my weaknesses. Intensely, I must concentrate to eliminate diversions. I roar myself into stillness.

Settling, most beneficially before the Blessed Sacrament, I envision an immense double edge sword of supernatural dimension. Controlled by my wielding, grasped firmly with two hands, I utilize the sword to cut away all interruptions, extinguishing thoughts. Slashing turbulences, I slice through psychological uprisings, decimating fantasies and feelings, imagination and emotion obliterated, cutting through sounds and sensual disturbances. The sword is used to establish distance from surroundings in order to diminish separation from God.

Imperfections availing, all effort subsists. The sword is grounded, point buried, pommel vertically aloft, cross-guard horizontally announcing a crucifix. Adoration an only reward, quietness quells the mind. Beating, the heart becomes the center, blood pumping. Shaping, forming; faith, hope, and charity concretize. A birth. A crucifixion. A resurrection. An ascension. Eternity.

Jesus told his disciples a parable about the necessity for them to pray always without becoming weary. He said, “There was a judge in a certain town who neither feared God nor respected any human being. And a widow in that town used to come to him and say, ‘Render a just decision for me against my adversary.’ For a long time the judge was unwilling, but eventually he thought, ‘While it is true that I neither fear God nor respect any human being, because this widow keeps bothering me I shall deliver a just decision for her lest she finally come and strike me.’” The Lord said, “Pay attention to what the dishonest judge says. Will not God then secure the rights of his chosen ones who call out to him day and night? Will he be slow to answer them? I tell you, he will see to it that justice is done for them speedily. But when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on earth?”

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Nov122014

My Daily Bread

My child you will never face a greater battle than the battle against your unreasoning feelings and desires. These are your passions. They are your most stubborn and most dangerous enemies. This blind and lower self within you is so close to you that it is almost invisible to you. It tries to make you think and feel its way instead of My way. Treat this lower self as an enemy. Acts of mortification will help you to advance in self control. I will strengthen your efforts with My grace.

The fight for self control is harder than bodily or mental labors. Your lower self is more determined in pursuing what it wants than your will is, in seeking Me.

JMJ

Mortification means “putting to death”. The person who wants to live more for God, must live less for his blind natural appetite and unreasoning desires. He will look to God’s holy will and follow it ever better each day. His likes and dislikes, his feelings and moods will react whenever he tries to do what is unpleasant or difficult, but he seeks to follow his intelligence regardless of feelings and moods.

Words from ‘My Daily Bread’ by Anthony Paone, S.J. of the Confraternity of the Precious Blood. The most powerful daily meditation book I have encountered.

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Nov102014

Chastity thoughts

Prayer to Saint Joseph for Purity. O GUARDIAN of Virgins and holy Father St. Joseph, into whose faithful keeping were entrusted Christ Jesus, Innocence Itself, and Mary, Virgin of virgins, I pray and beseech thee by these dear pledges, Jesus and Mary, that, being preserved from all uncleanness, I may with spotless mind, pure heart and chaste body, ever serve Jesus and Mary most chastely all the days of my life. Amen.

I created this blog with the intention of establishing a venue in which to deepen my faith through the embracing of a contemplative lifestyle. As I hammer out a faith that truly works, I focus upon the concept of chastity, the battle with the flesh. The path I pursue must be firmly grounded in reality, not an idealistic escapism that draws me deeply into the supernatural, while avoiding the demands of daily living. It is an approach I never truly embraced, thus the need to collapse my life through severe alcoholism.

Unable to flee from temptation, unable to honestly and effectively deal with the anxieties of life, I passionately pursued God in a ‘practically atheistic manner’, that is I concluded my life was doomed for failure and collusion, while embracing the lifestyle of an existential, struggling with existence, writer. A modern man, an underground man, life was something that would never make sense. I could love God, accepting austerity in regards to the sufferings of abusing alcohol, and the whole time living a life that could never attain peace. It was an insane lifestyle that only naturally led to the absolute breakdown that occurred.

Impurity, says Saint Augustine, is a vice which makes war on all, and which few Conquer. “The fight is Common; but the victory rare”. How many miserable souls have entered the contest with this vice, and have been defeated! but, to induce you to-expose yourselves to occasions of this sin, the devil will tell you not to be afraid-of being overcome-by the temptation. “I do not wish”, says Saint Jerome, “to fight with the hope of victory, lest I should sometimes lose the victory”. I will not expose myself to the combat, with the hope-of conquering; because, by voluntarily engaging in the fight, I shall lose my soul and my God. To ‘escape’ defeat in this struggle, a great grace of God is necessary; and to render ourselves worthy-of this grace, we must, on our part, avoid the occasions of sin. To practice the virtue of chastity, it is necessary to recommend ourselves continually-to God: we have not strength to preserve it; that strength must be the gift of God. “And as I knew”, says the wise man, “that I could not otherwise be continent, except God gave it, … I went to the Lord, and besought Him” – Wisdom 8:21. But if we expose ourselves to the occasions of sin, we ourselves shall provide our rebellious flesh with arm, to make war against the soul.  –sermon by St Alphonsus De Liguori ‘Occasions of Sin’.

I am actively pursuing the means to recovery from the physical and mental disability of lengthy practiced alcoholism. Those steps have been put into place, a daily ritual focused upon reality and the assistance of others. My journey of life must not be an isolated endeavor, an effort of singularity relying solely upon my faculties. Not only is a distant Divine assistance sought, my brothers and sisters of the world are tapped into regarding lessons on living and the pursuit of meaning within life. People are no longer merely entertainment. They are to be taken seriously and respected as well springs of knowledge.

The isolation I forced upon my life through decadence, lack of discipline, and indulgence forced celibacy upon my life. ‘He that loveth danger shall perish in it’. Enduring over twenty years, the physical demands of my body were not met, while my mind was filled with fantasy, physical indulgence dreamed about, playing through imagination in areas I pretended I abstained from. The unorthodox celibacy was not brought into fruition through a love of God. The spiritual plane could never bring about good fruit with such an obvious perversion being lived.

In preparation for tending to the issue of chastity, I read the Papal encyclical Sacra Virginitas by Pope Pius XII, written in 1954. I quote infallible words: ‘…a consequence of the fall of Adam the lower faculties of human nature are no longer obedient to right reason and may involve man in dishonorable actions.’ Living a life improperly dedicated to Christ, I see now, could never supply the necessary artillery to attain victory in the difficult battle chastity presents. ‘He that can take it (chastity), let him take it: let him who can, fight, conquer and receive this reward’. The battle with the flesh is truly warfare. The means to victory are beyond my capabilities. Pope Pius writes: ‘The virtue of chastity does not mean that we are insensible to the urge of concupiscence, but that we subordinate it to reason and the law of grace, by striving wholeheartedly after what is noblest in human and Christian life’. Lacking sanity and divine intervention, my powerless condition was truly unmanageable.

As I put into living a new way of life, I consider my convictions toward sexuality. How do I want to think and live? My thoughts instantly go to my spiritual partner Ann Marie, a gift from God, a woman who has changed my life. It is a complex relationship for many reasons, one of them being my desire to possess her as a woman, to see into reality a marriage within the Church. She has made it clear that such thoughts must not be entertained, while establishing a commitment to share life. A strong woman, stronger in determination than myself, I recognize her sustained effort of knowing God through diligence, proper living, psychological cleansing, and commitment to daily mass, the Eucharist (as she says her daily medicine), consecration to Mary, and all other ways prescribed by the Church. She is a challenge in deep regards. I am physically attracted to her, attached to her to a degree she identifies as codependent. I cannot imagine living life without her as she has produced natural results in my life that have allowed an authentic path to the contemplative life to come into practice. Our time together has not been easy for either of us.

Overall, I feel a need to acquiesce to the Almighty, to ask God for assistance. Again the words of Pope Pius XII: “…‘God does not command the impossible, but in commanding serves notice that one do what one can, and pray for what he cannot,’ As Ann Marie puts it. God is a gentleman. He invites, making an offer to chastity, yet he allows me to make the choice. In regards to chastity, there is not a right or a wrong choice. God truly places the decision upon my lap. There is no hidden agenda. Either paths, marriage or chastity, can lead to holiness and thus salvation, eternal peace.

I like the space God provides in facing such a serious situation. Being older, not feeling emotionally strong enough to make a declarative statement, I repose upon waiting. Moral behavior lived, sanctifying grace attuned, I allow the options to take shape in my daily life, allowing discernment to form within the spiritual level, which is through the sacraments, Eucharist, Rosary, and prayer. Miracle thinking and despondency eliminated, I move past fear, identifying how best to fulfill my purpose of praising God and serving my brothers and sisters, including through prayer those in purgatory.

I felt I had more concrete thoughts, yet feel satisfied with this outpouring.

In conclusion, I beg for grace from the abundant giver of grace, my love and woman of splendid repute, my Holy Mother. Mary let your virginity inspire me to love God through pure living. Grace me with the wisdom to pursue a path that brings honor to the love we share. I bow to your worldly husband, a model for manhood, St Joseph. St Joseph pray for me.

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