Personal Fiction

Man Tower and his mother

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My brother, dear poor little man of God, by means of great sadness and tribulation, of sickness, of leprosy, and of many other miseries, one gains the kingdom of heaven, where there is no sickness or sorrow, and all is pure and white, without stain, more brilliant than the sun.  You will go there, if it pleases God.  In the meantime, be a good Christian, bear with patience the adversity, and God will be merciful to you.

Sprinkled with Holy Water, in the strength of the Most High, the one spoken to stood, the leper, before the priest.  The leper would enter San Lazzaro d’Arce.  Dedicated to St. Lazarus, one raised from the dead, the hospital housed a large community of pitiful men and women condemned to suffer amongst one another, lepers never able to be a part of the world again.  Here is my perpetual resting place.  Here I shall live.  This is my vow.

In the lands surrounding the leper hospital all existed within anxiety.  Those of a healthy state shared in their own trouble, for all of time and the existence of man suffered in some way or another.  Tension regarding loyalties in social rank persisted.  The maggiori (lords) and minori (common people) were conflicting, making and demanding acquiescence from one another, the imposing of social wills, opposing camps needing to be right, superior in conviction.  Assisi, the city—the commune, centered the common people, gathering them into a united front, however they were no longer so common.

Wealth poured into the commune through mercantile trade, especially in connection with trade fairs occurring in Champagne, France.  The exchange of goods, ideas, and customs broadened the minds, means, and ways of the merchants participating.  The commune as a whole benefited ideologically and materialistically.  The commune was no longer the poor, in fact, in wealth they surpassed the feudal lords.  The lords struggled for cash and goods, while the common man relished in abundance.  In ideals, they felt the strength to stand alone, abhorring the feudal system as well as the rule of the emperor and the church—eye to eye, tooth for a tooth, equal and persistent in life and choice.

Politically, they no longer desired to be pawns.  Autonomy was their determined aspiration.  The church was necessary for faith and salvation, however governing was for the people.  In principle, the emperor, especially a foreign one, possessed no power, unwarranted in ruling over judicial matters. Might could force subservience, yet it could not change minds seeking freedom and expression undergoing the transformation of materialistic independence.  Warfare, a seemingly constant, demanded vigilance.  Revolution, ripe for explosion, created fear within the established order the feudal lords traditionally depended upon.  The lords diminished in influence as their coffers dwindled and the merchants surpassed them in wealth.  Towers of defense and ramification once the pursuit of nobles now witnessed merchants constructing social statements of residing permanence, buildings reaching to the sky declaring strength and the ability to defend on a nation building level.

Neighboring city states presented factions for confrontation.  Consortiums based upon noble families, ranks expanding beyond with demand, loyalty, and superior breeding, meant unified elite fighting forces.  The nobles maintained refined fighting forces, knighthood the ultimate vocation.  The bands of noble knights, chivalry parading, talked of a life of honor and servitude, yet in reality they presented others with marauding, the infliction of will, and brutality.  When a damsel of beauty and poor upbringing witnessed the coming of a band of knights and their consorts, she did not repose within security, feeling protected and invested.  Rather, she hid, fearing she would be raped and her brothers killed.  The chivalric codes was spoken of, mythologized, yet men were men.  The noble knights reveling in Italian, Frank, and Germanic lands spread chaos, a state of constant aggressiveness: One in blood and war.  Within the feudal system, the nobles and their young men were not perceived as protectors, rather aggressors.  If they were not knights they were spoiled university students plaguing the cities.  University students, enjoying the rights of clerics, roamed the streets free from legalities, safe from prosecution from minor crimes.  University students could steal and carouse with impunity.  Striking a student was recognized as the equivalent of striking a religious, excommunication and imprisonment the consequence.  Students took advantage of their status, agitating others.  The young adults of the nobles lived their lives harassing the common order and those subsisting upon employment.  In their current state, the nobles possessed a weakening and unfavorable societal position.  Emperor Barbarossa gave the nobles a reprise, yet they were intelligent enough to realize the inevitable.  Their time of lording diminished.  The world changed.  Rome was once the grandest of all civilizations and now there was Italy.  Only a short time separated the nobles from days of reckoning.  Constructed towers within the city and castles surrounding provided gathering fortifications for defense, however the commune’s wealth, based upon money, materialized mightier.  Power fleeting, the feudal lords saw men of their rank deserting to the affluence of the commune.

Alberto stood aside from the confrontation.  His indifference bred from experience. The Lords he would never fight for, even if his service to Barbarossa profited them he felt no attraction to their coalitions.  He never saw Barbarossa as the emperor.  He was Barbarossa, an effective warlord leading to plunder and pillage.  He provided courageous, intelligent leadership in regards to warring.  Politics played no part.  There was no desired end for Alberto.  Simple savagery and self-betterment were his concerns, the blocking of an internal raging his concern.  Loyal to the death, cynical in mind, wounded at heart, he developed no higher ideals.

The commune he despised for various reasons.  They were now the wealthy.  He grew up an outcast and poor, an underbelly to a class system that only deepened with the emergence of the merchants as powerbrokers.  The pending civil war elicited no emotion or loyalty.  Only men of wealth and means were able to have the time and resources to desire a war of consequence.  The humble suffer when the mighty disagree.  He preferred war for war’s sake.  Cursed be he who does not want war and hardships, through which one knows his true friend.  In his heart, he desired war for all the poor, those who knew life as he did as a child.  It gave release, emancipation and it kissed him.  War established his manhood and identity.

To raise a sword for the benefit of one’s self-empowerment, to rise above the constraints of the frustrations of being downtrodden, war provided dreams for the poor.  War provided opportunity, the expelling of human misery, the expression of wrath, the releasing of the anger life inflicted.  It was the splendor of a crusade.  Even if in truth most never attained wealth, the dream they could carried them.  O love of far-away land.  For you my whole heart is yearning.  Booty and materialistic splendor, to shed blood, to fear the shedding of one’s own blood, to be pushed beyond limitations, transformed one.  Poverty destroyed through boredom and stagnation, demoralizing a man, stripping him of dignity.  Familiarity bred the most horrible of content.  All life led to penance, yet war held out a hand of chance for adventure and worldly gain.  Like a dice game, fate could be rolled.

For the time being, Alberto gathered himself, a time of stillness and internal healing at hand.  A reason for the season, he contemplated not, yet for the first time in his adult life he moved away from war, a reprieve sought.  A time of waiting at Lazzaro d’Arce, the leper hospital dedicated to St. Lazarus, watching his mother die, would provide the environment to stay within himself.  It confirmed his conviction to have nothing to do with the coming civil war.  He wanted to be with his mother as she died.  In his heart, he chose nothing except his concern for his mother, over the possibility of everything.  Opening his sin laden heart, the existence of the lepers broke his already polluted heart.  Forgotten, removed from care, the lepers survived equal to the rats infesting their dwellings.  Rats were everywhere at St Lazarus.  The dead tossed aside for consumption of rats.

An awful incident upon his first days amongst the lepers magnified his disgust, putting into action efforts to assist.  There was a garbage dump located near the rear of the building.  Dug underneath the adjacent building, a space allowed the most awful of squealing, a horde of rats constantly sounding.  The unholy sound disturbed Alberto tremendously, forcing him into action.  Going into warring mode, he deconstructed obstructing structures to reveal a dozen or so rats grown together by their tails, entwined by an unnatural birthing together, a merging of many into an entity of one, a constant struggle for movement.  Forcing the unnatural living, squealing mass out into the light of the sun, prodding and dragging it, he performed a merciful execution.  Dossing the rats with pitch, he torched the horrendous horde.

A handful of lepers witnessed the crucifying of the rats.  Alberto allowed the quenching of boredom and insanity amongst the ill.  Following him was a constant gathering of the dying.  “Give to the one who begs from you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you.”  He did what he could while spending time with his mother.  He built refuge shelters, fire pits, water crafts for leisure, carts they could tote each other around in, conveniences the lepers could utilize, able to spend time away from the dismal hospital.  Alberto, a capable craftsman, even furthered his abilities with the assistance of Ricco.

The condition of the lepers was appalling; the horrendous physical suffering equaled by the mental torment.  Demented and enraged, the majority of the lepers existed completely insane, the intensity of sickness extending internally, thought life ravaged, stream of consciousness being overwhelmed.  His mother appeared beyond recognition, for no one can lay another foundation, but that which has been laid, which is Christ Jesus.  Her eyes possessed a blankness, utter defeat existing within.  It could have been another for all the familiarity physical detail provided and the emptiness of personality presented.  Her body was ravaged.  Her mind deflated, yet something deep could not be extinguished.  She recognized him; however he did not recognize her, praise comes not from mortals but from God.  In his heart, mind to God, he instinctually knew it was her.  The love attempting to emerge could not be mistaken.  Her leprosy attacked her vocal chords, disabling her ability to speak, yet absent words, she spoke with a heart blinded by the possibility of light at the end of a tunnel dark for horrible days.  The woman he knew as a child was not the woman inside the leper’s grey robe.  During the ecclesiastical rite introducing her to the life of a leper, to the death of her former self, do not possess gold or silver or money or carry on their journey a wallet or a sack, nor bread, nor a staff, nor to have shoes, nor two tunics, she was disheartened, yet he recognized her.  His mother dying to her former self was the orphaning of himself.  He recalled the time clearly.  The day his mother was left with was the promise of the Kingdom of God and penance, and nothing else, absolute suffering in the meantime.

As a child, he had no idea his mother was ill.  His own life was complicated enough.  Raised alone by his mother, it was becoming obvious others wanted nothing to do with him.  Children were forbidden to play with him.  Adults stared with a strange contempt.  His size proved awkward as he towered over children his age.  Words penetrated his reality, forcing him to understand he was the bastard child of a priest.  Innocence extracted through social interaction, he always had his mother, as she had no one herself.

Isolated, poverty impenetrable, there were good times.  Behind closed doors, they enjoyed laughter, and my spirit rejoices with God my savior.  He was a natural clown, overflowing with joy, always doing funny things for his mother and she would roar with laughter at his antics.  It was so natural for them always to be together, sleeping as one night after night.  He took off the shoes from his feet.  She was a good reader, teaching well, telling stories.  The Bible and chivalry were themes filling his head, being a knight, honor and glory, damsels and treasures.  Prayers and deeds of bravery were dreamed awake and asleep.  His mother shared in his enthusiasm for life, calling him her knight in shining armor.

Ruination came the day his mother was forcefully taken away.  It was one of the reasons he could not support the commune.  Their harsh legislation demanding the official hunting down of lepers, crucify the flesh with its vices and sins, declaring it lawful for anyone to physically, even fatally, accost lepers, a blazing with fire, he could not respect.  How could he forget the night their door was busted down?

Sleeping soundly, looking up to heaven, the explosion of the door of their small one room living space being broken down violently awoke him.  Screams, torches and men poured into their living space. One was loud and leading, a vocal vigilante leader, self-righteous and screaming.  Alberto attempted to rise in order to defend his mother however two men took him down, sternly pinning him.  Shouts of ‘leper’, and ‘apprehend her’, confused him.  He watched the obssessed leader take command of his home.  The man, a piece of cloth covering his face, began to preach, moving in on his mother.  The man stripped his mother of her garment, holding a torch for the better viewing of her body.  Turning back to the crowd, he declared her a leper.  The crowd pushed back as a rope was thrown around his mother.  Harshly, she was dragged from their diminutive home.  He was left alone with bafflement and tears.

“May the Lord give you peace.”

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Hermann Hesse: Narcissus and Goldmund

All this gave him plenty to do, and it all made sense as long as he was working on his St. John. It took a long time. The last delicate shapings of face and hands were done in solemn, patient concentration. He finished the statue in a small wooden shed behind the assistants’ workshop. Then the hour of morning came when the work was finished. Goldmund fetched a broom, swept the shed meticulously clean, gently brushed the last sawdust from his Saint’s hair, and stood in front of his statue for a long time, an hour or longer, filled with the solemn feeling of a rare and great experience which he might perhaps know one more time in the course of his life or which might remain unique. A man on the day of his wedding or on the day he is knighted, a woman after the birth of her first child might feel such emotions in the heart: a deep reverence, a great earnestness, and at the same time a secret fear of the moment when this high, unique experience would be over, classified, swallowed by the routine of the days.

He saw his friend Narcissus, the guide of his adolescent years, clad in the robe and role of the beautiful, favorite disciple, stand listening with lifted face and an expression of stillness, devotion, and reverence that was like the budding of a smile. Suffering and death were not unknown to this beautiful, pious, spiritualized face, to this slender figure that seemed to be floating, to these graceful, piously raised long hands, although they were filled with youth and inner music; but despair was unknown to them, and disorder, and rebellion. The soul of those noble traits might be gay or sad, but its pitch was pure, it suffered no discordant note.

Goldmund stood and contemplated his work. His contemplation began as a meditation in front of the monument to his youth and friendship, but it ended in a tempest of sorrow and heavy thoughts. There his work was, the beautiful disciple would remain, his delicate flowering would never end. But he, the maker, would have to part with his work; tomorrow it would no longer be his, would no longer be waiting for his hands, would grow and unfold under them no longer, was no longer a refuge to him, a consolation, a purpose in his life. He remained behind, empty. And therefore it seemed to him that it would be best to say farewell today not only to his St. John but also to the master, to the city, to art. There was nothing here for him to do any more; no images filled his soul that he might have carved. The longed-for image of images, the figure of the mother of men, was not yet accessible to him, would not be accessible for a long time. Should he go back to polishing little angel figures now and carving ornaments?
He tore himself away and walked over to the master’s workshop. Softly he entered and stood at the door, until Niklaus noticed him and called out to him.

“What is it, Goldmund?”

“My statue is finished. Perhaps you’ll come and take a look at it before you go up to eat.”

“Gladly. I’ll come right now.”

Together they walked over, leaving the door open for more light. Niklaus had not seen the figure for a while; he had left Goldmund undisturbed at his work. Now he examined it with silent attention. His closed face grew beautiful and light; Goldmund saw his stern eyes grow happy.

“It is good,” the master said. “It is very good. It is your assistant’s piece, Goldmund. Now you have finished learning. I’ll show your figure to the men at the guild and demand that they make you a master for it; you deserve it.”

Goldmund did not value the guild very highly, but he knew how much appreciation the master’s words meant, and he was glad.

While Niklaus walked slowly around the figure of St. John, he said with a sigh: “This figure is full of piety and light. It is grave, but filled with joy and peace. One might think that the man who made this had nothing but light and joy in his heart.”

Goldmund smiled.

“You know that I did not portray myself in this figure, but my dearest friend. It is he who brought light and peace to the picture, not I. It was not really I who made the statue; he gave it into my soul.”

“That may be so,” said Niklaus. “It is a secret how such a work comes into being. I am not particularly humble, but I must say: I have made many works that fall far behind yours, not in craft and care, but in truth. No, you probably know yourself that such a work cannot be repeated. It is a secret.”

“Yes,” Goldmund said. “When the figure was finished and I looked at it, I thought: you can’t make that again. And therefore I think, Master, that I’ll soon go back to wandering.”

Astonished and annoyed, Niklaus looked at him. His eyes had grown stern again.

“We’ll speak about that. For you, work should really begin now. This is not the moment to run away….

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Personal fiction

As it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world without end. Amen.

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Bogdan, a teenager, was riding ahead of his companions, scouting, distinct in appearance as a barbarian. His constant companions, three large dogs of shepherding heritage, large in tooth and jaw, trotted close. A wolf skin adorned his scalp. The cap was fashioned so the animals front legs draped down the chest, while the rest of the carcass covered the back. It was a large wolf. Rigged to a shoulder harness, penetrating through the skin, a stick rose above his head, making distant riders perceive him as larger than reality. Atop the stick was a wind dragon: the head of a wolf and the hollow body of a serpent capturing the passing breeze. It was the flag of the Dacian people, Black Sea and Carpathian mountain people recognized as barbarians by the majority of the Greco-Roman world.

Bogdan was warned by Amicus, his traveling companion, a former Roman soldier, about presenting himself as a barbarian. The boy paid no heed. The Roman was vicious, yet he considered him a friend. He despised the Romans and Greek, feeling nothing the inferior. Along with Amicus, an elderly Israelite with his grandson and other men of various descents, he worked for a trading caravan traversing Asia Minor. One year was the term of employment. Now he was free of the caravan leader’s authority, proud to be once again the barbarian. The desire to sport the wind dragon was blood deep. It felt good to ride his Thracian mustang hard and fast with the wolf dragon of his youth flying above his head draped in the wolf attire he loved so much as a child. He felt the courage, intelligence, and ferociousness of the wolf lift his spirit.

“So now the boy dresses as he wants and so shall I.” The elderly Israelite responded to Amicus after the boy speedily rode off. The old man bound to his forehead a leather case. ”I am destined for the Holy Land so I will be holy.” He secured his mantle upon his forehead. The old man then tied a similar leather case to his left wrist.

Amicus was pleased with the companionship. His soldiering days, though ending in strife, were rewarding. The camaraderie was invigorating. Always, his companions proved themselves unique in distinction, characters enriching life, individuals alive. Men you were savagely beating with your fist during a meaningless drunken brawl could the next day be the finest of friend. The three who accompanied him now were the remnants from a trading caravan he hooked up with after crossing the Hellespont. There was the Israeli old man and his grandson, as well as the young Dacian boy. Splitting from the trading caravan, the four men unified for a common journey south. The Israelites bound for Jerusalem and the other two for Alexandria and the sights of Egypt.

“The young one is good with horses, yet I hope his bravado does not draw undo attention.”

“He is also good with his bow and arrow.”

“The bow and arrow is for barbarians and cowards. Skill with the sword keeps one alive longer, while proclaiming true valor.”

“I think his sword skills are also adequate.”

“Let’s hope they are not tested.”

“What if they are? Let the barbarian be killed.”

“I have taken a liking to him. Though he is immature, in need of breaking, I trust him. We have all been together long enough to know each other. If a confrontation challenges his life, I am sure he will not be in the wrong.”

“He is not stupid. Yes, I trust him also. Yet I would let the barbarian fend for himself.”

“You are older, maybe when you were younger there was more fight in you.”

“No it is not my age. It is my way.”

“Then we have differences companion.”

“That we do.”

The grandson of the old man interrupted the mounted conversation. “Bogdan saw something. Look at him racing toward us.”

“That child rides like the wind.”

“He is good upon a horse, yet I am better in a chariot.”

Bogdan stopped his horse with great aplomb, dirt rising everywhere with the coming of him and his steed. The horse snorted, also enjoying the dramatics of its arrival. Tossing its head to the left and the right, the stallion radiated energy.

“What is it Bogdan?”

The boy arrogantly laughed aloud, a common reaction for the youth. Pirouetting his horse, the lad screamed. “A Roman legion marches upon the highway.”

“I hope they did not see you racing off like that. They will send spies.”

“They could not see me.”

“That is what you think.”

The boy rode up and challenged Amicus, looking him squarely in the eye. “They did not see me.”

Amicus did not mind the spirited youth. Arrogance did not bother him, as long as it was wielded by one who deserved to be so, arrogance was a virtue, a sign of pride that would not waver upon the battlefield, something natural for an independent young man who desired to survive. Humbling came with time, in defeat or victory, arrogance grew thin. Amongst the caravan, in a professional environment, the boy was competent with tasks and shrewd in interactions, yet now free for an adventure Amicus saw the warrior within the boy emerge. The donning of his traditional garb was the budding of a new man.

“You know I have trouble with Rome. It is best we stick to the back roads.”

“I myself am not inclined to hosting Roman soldiers. Back roads it shall be.”

Amidst camp, settled for the night, seated around a fire, Bogdan held still beneath his wolf-skin cap. Amicus found wonder in the image of the boy, the dancing firelight illuminating the stalwart warrior within the animal skin. Amicus saw the boy possessed strong daemon, a spirit predestined for maturity. Amicus realized he knew little about the youth’s past. The youth impressed him with his abilities and intellect, yet familiarity remained a mystery.

“We have been companions for some time Bogdan, yet I know nothing of your past.”

Bogdan raised his head. His face, instead of the wolf snout, was now visible.”I know little of you either. I do know you enjoy the strong drink the slobs of the caravan indulged in. Also, that you fear Roman soldiers, after once being amongst their rank. You have the mark of the Roman legions tattooed upon your arm. I have seen it though you try to hide it. I honor your secrets.”

“Maybe one day, I will tell my tale. Yet tonight I want to know yours. Now I see you in the guise of the wolf and desire to know about your past.”

The old Israelite, still with the leather case strapped to his forehead and one upon his left wrist, chimed in. “Yes child, tell us about your youth. Repose and speak.”

Bogdan after a day of racing with the wolf spirit felt empowered. His story flowed easily.

“First you are wrong to call me a boy. I have only lived a short amount of years in your mind, yet my suffering has been great, calling into question my very existence. I was raised amongst the Dacia people, barbarians to the Hellenistic mind. Yet the Greeks do not know my people. Wealth exists in Dacia. More and more of the wrong powers understand the fact. Beyond materialism, there is hidden wisdom, and a noble code of the warrior that all surviving people must establish. Come catch the deadly arrows of our swift horseback warriors if you think you are warrior enough. To be weak is to offer your children no hope of a free life. Dacian children live free and proud, hunting with skill and zest. As a child, I was one of the best in shooting arrows. When I pulled back my bow, destined for Hades was my aim. My confidence with my bow is not because my fellow Dacian hunters are poor hunters, rather my greatness is achieved through their supremacy. I proved myself the best amongst the best.

“Dacia is a land grateful to be anonymous from the Greco-Roman world. I see the culture and Gods of Greece infiltrate the Roman mind. We forsake these gods and their pretentious ways for a higher truth. Greek philosophy teaches of virtue and knowledge, the advancement of civilization through the daemon of advanced men, yet their Gods are imprudent, and their culture is brutal and decadent on to their own. Elitist of the worst kind are these men of vice and pleasure. We have wise men in mountains, holy men, who teach such thought is foolishness, arrogant in nature, worldly and vain. The others of our kind seek simplicity, cherishing family and the love of neighbors, abhorring those would rise above his brothers and sisters in order to rule, or self-glorification; one for all and all for one. We spurn the disdainful Greek mind while not feeling the need to debate it. Grounded within the Vedas, trusting in an all-powerful God, the true higher authority, our wise men submit to humility and the practice of meditation, taking to caves in the mountains, hiding from men, practicing the sound Om, both listening and voicing, pleading their case with the eternal rather than man.

The old Israelite was laughing at the words of the young barbarian. The youth was not wounded. He heard a compliment, rather than an insulting. The youth felt the ears of his friend, another youth, the young Israelite, tuned to his story. He respected the lad, growing in attachment, desiring his friend to know him greater.

“As a boy, I spent time with one of these holy men of the mountains. It was a time that marked me for manhood, a transitional period. It was the harvesting time, the end of summer, and before the cold of winter. I must tell you about the time before my formation with the holy man. Raised amongst farmers, workers of the land, my childhood was idyllic, my family grand. My father was a noted man for his size and strength. Dacians are smaller people, yet his size was as great as the Germans. In competitions, few Dacians could match the feats of my father. We Dacians love to play and gather for communal fun. All are welcome. None the greater, none the less, and all feast like kings. We compete amongst one another with the greatest effort, yet victory is only impressive when achieved in humility and valor. My father was a grand champion. He specialized in wrestling upon a large oil slicked rock. None could dislodge him. He had no enemies amongst his people. A great fighter, he was only greater in loyalty. God strike me down if I ever think a bad thought toward the man.

“I was not like my father. I was not so large. Where his hair was black and thick, mine was sandy in color. Where he was strong and somewhat simple of mind, I was shifty and clever. Now, I tell you of the incident before my time with the holy man. There was a woman, Ligia, who would visit amongst our village, daughter to a man who worked the land north of our farm. Dacian women are known for their fierceness, entering battle with their men. They are not like Greek women, silently taking a backseat, nothing more than property. Dacian women sit on council seats, assisting the men in acting for the people. Ligia was renowned for her achievements in battle. She so loved the conflict of war, she never married as she ventured, camp to camp, seeking warfare. Wherever the Dacian people needed a strong hand with the sword, there she made her home.

“Ligia would hunt with me, tolerating my brashness for I always wanted others to know of my advanced skill with the bow. Easily, I took three times more rabbits than her. A girl would never beat me with the bow. On our final hunting spree, days before my father advised me to seek council with the holy man of the cave, Ligia sat with me aside a river, talking serious. She told me of my father’s bravery. How during raids to the south, into and beyond the lands of our hated enemy the Thracians, my father held second to none. Many a Dacian men could thank my father for seeing the sun this day.

“Ligia told there was something my father hid from my sisters and myself. I was not born a Dacian. My sisters were. As an infant, I was kidnapped during a raid of Thracian land. Ligia assured me that this no longer mattered. I was a Dacian in daemon. She tried to say more. She forced a promise. I must not inform my father. I must be careful not to act differently. She assured me my father would know from my behavior alone.

“So you see my fellow travelers. Holding to nothing of greater esteem than being Dacian, I learned I was Thracian in birth. My mother and father was the enemy I hated. I returned from hunting with Ligia, after dinner my father took me aside and spoke with me. How he knew I knew I do not know. He saw something in me changed. The man loved me and in my heart is nothing but love in return. He wanted for me to seek counsel with the holy man of the cave, as he had done as a youth. The farm would be busy with the harvesting and he could afford to be without my labor.

“I set off for the mountains confused, yet grateful. I was happy Ligia acted as she did. I loved my family with all my heart, I would die for them. I was Dacian. However, there were matters that hinted the truth throughout my years. Truth, I hold above all things.

“My time with the old holy man was a struggle. I knew the man knew of me, and it was an honor to be hosted by him, yet his indifference nearly drove me away. He said nothing. I sat at the back of his cave watching. He would meditate for long hours. The other times, he would read from scrolls, or perform menial task around his cave. There was no sacrificing or rituals as I could see. His belongings were few. I tried to make myself useful, gathering water, and supplying meat. Vegetables and herbs, he would gather himself. He liked to cook, continuously praying, offering thanks, as he did. Finally one morning, he spoke final words to me.”

“Your father has come and killed your father. Understand. I am your true father. Know what you have seen. Know what you have heard. Know what you have experienced. Keep my scrolls for today I go.”

The old man spent the day building a pyre, a huge gathering of wood he expertly constructed, soaking the wood with pitch as the day concluded. As the night firmly settled into darkness, he appeared with a final bucket of pitch and a torch. Then I knew his intentions. He climbed to the top of his work, dousing himself with the flammable pitch. He ignited the wood supporting him, reclining into the flames as his body merged with the roaring flames. The Greeks have an idea I learned Apocatastasis. Awestruck, I watched the fire engulf the pyre. The fire grew to enormous proportions. In the brightness and heat, the old man was lost.

Throughout the night, I watched the fire. I knew I was no longer a boy. I knew not what the future held, yet whatever it did possess I would greet it as a man. In the morning, the fire still smoldering Ligia appeared.

“You have been with the man over forty days, beyond a full cycle of the moon. He told me to come for you when the fire came. What have you learned?”

“Nothing. He rarely speaks. He meditates, reads, and cooks in silence. Sometimes he sings, always he prays, yet it is an ancient language I do not understand.”

“You have sat with him?”

“Yes. I tried the breathing.”

“He did not lead you?”

“At times, he did. I would match his breath, concentrating as he instructed.”

“That is good.”

“It was nothing.”

“No. It was a lot. You will discover this later.”

“There was something he said that struck me. Guiding my breath, he told me to focus away from my thoughts, ignoring them. No matter how good or bad, they meant nothing. My breathing was central, devout meditation can only be won through battle. Then after several days of practicing in such a manner, he informed me I was doing everything wrong. I was watching myself and this was no good. As I meditated, there I was still watching, critical and proud. He stood above me, holding his hand above and behind my head, saying here you are now, observing, unable to penetrate inward. Your left hand must not know what the right is doing. I was not sure what he meant, believing he requested the impossible. I did not desire to be a holy man. I am a hunter and warrior. It all seemed foolish.”

“That is what he said? Think stronger.”

“My time with him is vague. It is difficult to remember, even during a time when the one who never spoke finally spoke. It seemed he never spoke, yet he did speak in rare moments.”

“Tell me more about the times he did speak.”

“Hold on. It is difficult to recall his words as they were consistently difficult to understand. It is hard to restate them and make sense. The old man told me I existed within two parts. He talked of an actor and an observer, one that observed and one that acted. He wanted me to understand that the one who acted should never be judged by the one who observed. The one who observes must not judge, rather the observer must learn, studiously garnering an education. Victory or defeat means nothing. Good and evil are traps waiting for those involved within action. Consequences are not essential. In victory one could lose, and within defeat one could achieve. The observer must persevere, holding to love and patience, trusting and silent in judgment, growing in strength.”

“Were there wolves at night?”

“Yes. They came several times, just beyond the light of our fire. I could see their eyes and hear their threatening breath.”

“Did you look for tracks?”

“Of course. None were to be found.”

Ligia lowered her voice in tone.”The old man is consumed. He wants me to tell you that it is your destiny to see the world. You must keep the memory of him and the wolves in your heart. Strengthen the observer as you wander. You will become the master of your own pack, dogs as your companions. Last night, he came to my sleep, speaking. You are to journey to Egypt. What is there, you may never know. Do not return to your adopted family. There is nothing there for you. Your real father was searching for you. He has been for years. He loved your birth mother. It was her beauty, your adopted father desired. When kidnapped, your mother would not release you. As a baby, you were also abducted. I knew of your mother’s demise. I was with your adopted father during her death. Traveling to Dacia, she fell into the icy water of the Danube, a river crossing turned lethal. A relentless fever attacked her afterwards. She would never recover.”

“I hope she did not suffer. She was beautiful?”

“We all suffer. Your mother was a grand beauty. Her beauty cost a life. Your father has been drawing near. That is why I told you the truth. The holy man told me to visit your adopted family for I would find a terrible thing. Indeed, I did. Your fathers fought with the sword, both dying in the altercation. It was night and I looked to the mountain where I knew you to be. I witnessed the signal fire. The fire the holy man told me to watch for. The holy man went for the souls of your fathers in order to assist them. It was the time of your calling. Your adopted mother will not welcome you. She is crazy wit h grief for her dead husband. She has not turned her daughters against you.”

Ligia reached into her pouch.”I have something for you.” She handed me a necklace. I recognized it as the work of my sisters.

“Your oldest sister spoke with me. She gathered her sisters. Together, they made this for you. They want you always to wear it so you will have love close. All the girls kissed the necklace with tears. Their hearts are broken by the loss of their father and you.”

I observed the necklace. It was simple, yet wonderful. It brought tears. I recognized the leather strand as one my eldest sister would wear around her hair. She transformed it into a necklace. She adorned the strand with four rocks of various colors, precisely piercing their centers with a drilling device. She was a lover of rocks and flowers, collecting those of uniqueness. Since a girl, she was making her own jewelry. Her jewelry was growing in popularity amongst the local women and girls. I would be proud to wear the necklace filled with the love of my sisters. I tied the strand around my neck and felt the strength it built within me.

“I am a man now.”

“Yes a universal man. One nation is too small to hold you.”

“I will know the world, first on into Macedonia.”

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Solemn solace; integrity during confrontation

The structure did not seem very attractive from the outside, but when I entered, the white and colorful interior almost took my breath.  The altar and sanctuary were marvelous.  How those friars cherish and adorn that little yet heavenly chapel!  I felt so happy kneeling there alone before the radiant Tabernacle.  Truly, I felt as if I were in a haven of Glory.  After Confession, I walked over to the altar of the Blessed Virgin in order to burn a vigil light there and again consecrate myself to her as her Knight.  I pleaded that she guide me wisely and protect me closely as I venture along the disastrous paths of battle.  Other earnest prayers followed in which I asked blessings on all of you at home.  Moments such as these before the Blessed Sacrament are the only true consolation, solitude, and peace a soldier can find nowadays.  I seek those moments at every opportunity that is given to me, for there lies my hope and contentment.  –‘Our Lady’s Knight’

Leo

..be thou an example of the faithful in word,
in conversation,
in charity,
in faith,
in chastity.

Till I come, attend unto reading,
to exhortation,
and to doctrine.

Neglect not the grace that is in thee,
which was given thee by prophesy,
with imposition of the hands of the priesthood.

Meditate upon these things,
be wholly in these things:
that thy profiting may be manifest to all.

Take heed to thyself
and to doctrine:
be earnest in them.
For in doing this thou shalt both save thyself and them that hear thee.

1 Timothy chapter 4

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Gathering Water: Cleveland Botanical Gardens

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In innocence nostalgic thoughts

Our Lady’s Knight

Leo

“‘A peaceful sky, there are such things,’ I recalled from a popular song; and now I marveled at it. A rainbow high, there are such things,’ and I was thrilled by it that morning. ‘Have faith and trust in what tomorrow brings; you’ll reach the stars, because there are such things,’ the song continues. Believe me mother I do have confidence in it. I’m willing to prove its worth, even with my life. As I speed through the blue sky and soar gallantly through the universe, I feel as if I were peering dauntlessly in search of anyone or anything that may tamper with, endanger, or plot against the things we Americans love you and cherish. I am absolutely certain that life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness–the things we love so much, the things that men like myself sacrifice their human existence for–shall continue to be realities in America. There are such things, and there shall always be such things in America! ‘

There Are Such Things

A heart that’s true, there are such things
A dream for two, there are such things
Someone to whisper “Darling you’re my guiding star”
Not caring what you own but just what you are

A peaceful sky, there are such things
A rainbow high where heaven sings

So have a little faith and trust in what tomorrow brings
You’ll reach a star because there are such things

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A theatrical weekend ended; Captain Ahab becomes human, a quest concluding

MOBY DICK–Herman Melville

Slowly crossing the deck from the scuttle, Ahab leaned over the side and watched how his shadow in the water sank and sank to his gaze, the more and the more that he strove to pierce the profundity. But the lovely aromas in that enchanted air did at last seem to dispel, for a moment, the cankerous thing in his soul. That glad, happy air, that winsome sky, did at last stroke and caress him; the step-mother world, so long cruel—forbidding—now threw affectionate arms round his stubborn neck, and did seem to joyously sob over him, as if over one, that however wilful and erring, she could yet find it in her heart to save and to bless. From beneath his slouched hat Ahab dropped a tear into the sea; nor did all the Pacific contain such wealth as that one wee drop.

Starbuck saw the old man; saw him, how he heavily leaned over the side; and he seemed to hear in his own true heart the measureless sobbing that stole out of the centre of the serenity around. Careful not to touch him, or be noticed by him, he yet drew near to him, and stood there.

Ahab turned.

“Starbuck!”

“Sir.”

“Oh, Starbuck! it is a mild, mild wind, and a mild looking sky. On such a day—very much such a sweetness as this—I struck my first whale—a boy-harpooneer of eighteen! Forty—forty—forty years ago!—ago! Forty years of continual whaling! forty years of privation, and peril, and storm-time! forty years on the pitiless sea! for forty years has Ahab forsaken the peaceful land, for forty years to make war on the horrors of the deep! Aye and yes, Starbuck, out of those forty years I have not spent three ashore. When I think of this life I have led; the desolation of solitude it has been; the masoned, walled-town of a Captain’s exclusiveness, which admits but small entrance to any sympathy from the green country without—oh, weariness! heaviness! Guinea-coast slavery of solitary command!—when I think of all this; only half-suspected, not so keenly known to me before—and how for forty years I have fed upon dry salted fare—fit emblem of the dry nourishment of my soil!—when the poorest landsman has had fresh fruit to his daily hand, and broken the world’s fresh bread to my mouldy crusts—away, whole oceans away, from that young girl-wife I wedded past fifty, and sailed for Cape Horn the next day, leaving but one dent in my marriage pillow—wife? wife?—rather a widow with her husband alive! Aye, I widowed that poor girl when I married her, Starbuck; and then, the madness, the frenzy, the boiling blood and the smoking brow, with which, for a thousand lowerings old Ahab has furiously, foamingly chased his prey—more a demon than a man!—aye, aye! what a forty years’ fool—fool—old fool, has old Ahab been! Why this strife of the chase? why weary, and palsy the arm at the oar, and the iron, and the lance? how the richer or better is Ahab now? Behold. Oh, Starbuck! is it not hard, that with this weary load I bear, one poor leg should have been snatched from under me? Here, brush this old hair aside; it blinds me, that I seem to weep. Locks so grey did never grow but from out some ashes! But do I look very old, so very, very old, Starbuck? I feel deadly faint, bowed, and humped, as though I were Adam, staggering beneath the piled centuries since Paradise. God! God! God!—crack my heart!—stave my brain!—mockery! mockery! bitter, biting mockery of grey hairs, have I lived enough joy to wear ye; and seem and feel thus intolerably old? Close! stand close to me, Starbuck; let me look into a human eye; it is better than to gaze into sea or sky; better than to gaze upon God. By the green land; by the bright hearth-stone! this is the magic glass, man; I see my wife and my child in thine eye. No, no; stay on board, on board!—lower not when I do; when branded Ahab gives chase to Moby Dick. That hazard shall not be thine. No, no! not with the far away home I see in that eye!”

THE CHASE–FIRST DAY (3 days total)

Like noiseless nautilus shells, their light prows sped through the sea; but only slowly they neared the foe. As they neared him, the ocean grew still more smooth; seemed drawing a carpet over its waves; seemed a noon-meadow, so serenely it spread. At length the breathless hunter came so nigh his seemingly unsuspecting prey, that his entire dazzling hump was distinctly visible, sliding along the sea as if an isolated thing, and continually set in a revolving ring of finest, fleecy, greenish foam. He saw the vast, involved wrinkles of the slightly projecting head beyond. Before it, far out on the soft Turkish-rugged waters, went the glistening white shadow from his broad, milky forehead, a musical rippling playfully accompanying the shade; and behind, the blue waters interchangeably flowed over into the moving valley of his steady wake; and on either hand bright bubbles arose and danced by his side. But these were broken again by the light toes of hundreds of gay fowl softly feathering the sea, alternate with their fitful flight; and like to some flag-staff rising from the painted hull of an argosy, the tall but shattered pole of a recent lance projected from the white whale’s back; and at intervals one of the cloud of soft-toed fowls hovering, and to and fro skimming like a canopy over the fish, silently perched and rocked on this pole, the long tail feathers streaming like pennons.

A gentle joyousness—a mighty mildness of repose in swiftness, invested the gliding whale. Not the white bull Jupiter swimming away with ravished Europa clinging to his graceful horns; his lovely, leering eyes sideways intent upon the maid; with smooth bewitching fleetness, rippling straight for the nuptial bower in Crete; not Jove, not that great majesty Supreme! did surpass the glorified White Whale as he so divinely swam.

On each soft side—coincident with the parted swell, that but once leaving him, then flowed so wide away—on each bright side, the whale shed off enticings. No wonder there had been some among the hunters who namelessly transported and allured by all this serenity, had ventured to assail it; but had fatally found that quietude but the vesture of tornadoes. Yet calm, enticing calm, oh, whale! thou glidest on, to all who for the first time eye thee, no matter how many in that same way thou may’st have bejuggled and destroyed before.

And thus, through the serene tranquillities of the tropical sea, among waves whose hand-clappings were suspended by exceeding rapture, Moby Dick moved on, still withholding from sight the full terrors of his submerged trunk, entirely hiding the wrenched hideousness of his jaw. But soon the fore part of him slowly rose from the water; for an instant his whole marbleized body formed a high arch, like Virginia’s Natural Bridge, and warningly waving his bannered flukes in the air, the grand god revealed himself, sounded, and went out of sight. Hoveringly halting, and dipping on the wing, the white sea-fowls longingly lingered over the agitated pool that he left.

With oars apeak, and paddles down, the sheets of their sails adrift, the three boats now stilly floated, awaiting Moby Dick’s reappearance.

“An hour,” said Ahab, standing rooted in his boat’s stern; and he gazed beyond the whale’s place, towards the dim blue spaces and wide wooing vacancies to leeward. It was only an instant; for again his eyes seemed whirling round in his head as he swept the watery circle. The breeze now freshened; the sea began to swell.

“The birds!—the birds!” cried Tashtego.

In long Indian file, as when herons take wing, the white birds were now all flying towards Ahab’s boat; and when within a few yards began fluttering over the water there, wheeling round and round, with joyous, expectant cries. Their vision was keener than man’s; Ahab could discover no sign in the sea. But suddenly as he peered down and down into its depths, he profoundly saw a white living spot no bigger than a white weasel, with wonderful celerity uprising, and magnifying as it rose, till it turned, and then there were plainly revealed two long crooked rows of white, glistening teeth, floating up from the undiscoverable bottom. It was Moby Dick’s open mouth and scrolled jaw; his vast, shadowed bulk still half blending with the blue of the sea. The glittering mouth yawned beneath the boat like an open-doored marble tomb; and giving one sidelong sweep with his steering oar, Ahab whirled the craft aside from this tremendous apparition. Then, calling upon Fedallah to change places with him, went forward to the bows, and seizing Perth’s harpoon, commanded his crew to grasp their oars and stand by to stern.

Now, by reason of this timely spinning round the boat upon its axis, its bow, by anticipation, was made to face the whale’s head while yet under water. But as if perceiving this stratagem, Moby Dick, with that malicious intelligence ascribed to him, sidelingly transplanted himself, as it were, in an instant, shooting his pleated head lengthwise beneath the boat.

Through and through; through every plank and each rib, it thrilled for an instant, the whale obliquely lying on his back, in the manner of a biting shark, slowly and feelingly taking its bows full within his mouth, so that the long, narrow, scrolled lower jaw curled high up into the open air, and one of the teeth caught in a row-lock. The bluish pearl-white of the inside of the jaw was within six inches of Ahab’s head, and reached higher than that. In this attitude the White Whale now shook the slight cedar as a mildly cruel cat her mouse. With unastonished eyes Fedallah gazed, and crossed his arms; but the tiger-yellow crew were tumbling over each other’s heads to gain the uttermost stern.

And now, while both elastic gunwales were springing in and out, as the whale dallied with the doomed craft in this devilish way; and from his body being submerged beneath the boat, he could not be darted at from the bows, for the bows were almost inside of him, as it were; and while the other boats involuntarily paused, as before a quick crisis impossible to withstand, then it was that monomaniac Ahab, furious with this tantalizing vicinity of his foe, which placed him all alive and helpless in the very jaws he hated; frenzied with all this, he seized the long bone with his naked hands, and wildly strove to wrench it from its gripe. As now he thus vainly strove, the jaw slipped from him; the frail gunwales bent in, collapsed, and snapped, as both jaws, like an enormous shears, sliding further aft, bit the craft completely in twain, and locked themselves fast again in the sea, midway between the two floating wrecks. These floated aside, the broken ends drooping, the crew at the stern-wreck clinging to the gunwales, and striving to hold fast to the oars to lash them across.

At that preluding moment, ere the boat was yet snapped, Ahab, the first to perceive the whale’s intent, by the crafty upraising of his head, a movement that loosed his hold for the time; at that moment his hand had made one final effort to push the boat out of the bite. But only slipping further into the whale’s mouth, and tilting over sideways as it slipped, the boat had shaken off his hold on the jaw; spilled him out of it, as he leaned to the push; and so he fell flat-faced upon the sea.

MACBETH–Shakespeare

“Out, out, brief candle! Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage and is heard no more. It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.”

Angels are bright still, though the brightest fell. Though all things foul would wear the brows of grace, Yet Grace must still look so.jonah-and-the-whale

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Storytelling

It has been a while since a novel swept me away. Umberto Eco’s ‘Baudolino’ comes to mind. I thought my novel reading days were behind me. It is good to know just how wrong you can be. Herman Melville’s ‘Moby Dick’ revels in grandeur; storytelling depicting through words, haunting, images, and suggestions greater majesty and mystery. In a world of too many writers, too many books, and too much writing, it is good to read something essential.

Tethered unknowing,
A harpoon landed at birth,
Struck grave solemn and dull,
Wounded loose fish,
Roaming the seas in consternation,
A creature amidst creation,
Did you not know?
In reality and truth,
The whole time a fast fish you be.


I. A Fast-Fish belongs to the party fast to it.

II. A Loose-Fish is fair game for anybody who can soonest catch it.

Some fifty years ago there was a curious case of whale-trover litigated in England, wherein the plaintiffs set forth that after a hard chase of a whale in the Northern seas; and when indeed they (the plaintiffs) had succeeded in harpooning the fish; they were at last, through peril of their lives, obliged to forsake not only their lines, but their boat itself. Ultimately the defendants (the crew of another ship) came up with the whale, struck, killed, seized, and finally appropriated it before the very eyes of the plaintiffs. And when those defendants were remonstrated with, their captain snapped his fingers in the plaintiffs’ teeth, and assured them that by way of doxology to the deed he had done, he would now retain their line, harpoons, and boat, which had remained attached to the whale at the time of the seizure. Wherefore the plaintiffs now sued for the recovery of the value of their whale, line, harpoons, and boat.

What are the Rights of Man and the Liberties of the World but Loose-Fish? What all men’s minds and opinions but Loose-Fish? What is the principle of religious belief in them but a Loose-Fish? What to the ostentatious smuggling verbalists are the thoughts of thinkers but Loose-Fish? What is the great globe itself but a Loose-Fish? And what are you, reader, but a Loose-Fish and a Fast-Fish, too?

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