Down in Adoration falling, ‘Far From the Madding Crowd’
A movie alone, solitary announcing, witnessing hidden amidst darkness, eyes wide open perceiving based upon experience,
Gabriel, not the archangel, a man of patience, perseverance, and proud,
A shepherd courting proper, romance and passion, a smooth hand seriously devout, lacking intimidation, kindness and gentleness abounds,
Thy will be done beyond fear and doubt, acting unrestrained in trusting,
Ahead of others, pushing past the pain, allowing the hurt of imperfections, penetrating the Hardy shores of England, aridity and barrenness, knowing no success, Gabriel calmly endures the assisting of Bathsheba,
Gradualism, appropriate building toward the profound, subtle in the tasting, victorious eternal only sighted by its breadth,
Desiring only goodness, I am an antithesis, emotional and loud to the best of abilities and upbringings, screaming, kicking unapologetic, demanding to be right while frantically infighting, pursuing innocence, imposing a transformative anarchy,
A storm centering upon correctness, the ways of advancement violent and harsh, unGodly ruling upon the appetite of suppression, obsession, many years too quiet, silent in stupefaction, a longing arising from the deepest abscess, screaming in silence away from the crowd, crying hidden, identifying alone,
Knowing the love of a heart strong in prayer, yet unknowing the confidence of negation, the higher consecration of subjugation, the discernment to appease only God, ascertaining only with discomfort, isolating unbridled shame,
Silent like an amused angel, stealthily moving about in the obscurity of your prayer cell, caring mass attending, God provides illustrations, patterns in the making, a finger descending from a cloud, a smile beneath a veil, bonding sister I aspire to make you proud, Poor Clare able to tame a wrathful temper, constructing strength I am weak, wounded, and ashamed, you perceive I am barely breathing, cowering within my growing tall, I listen to you during the intensity of sacred mysteries being celebrated, newer rites avail, I curl fetal within the silence, soul comforting the blindness,
Exist another holy striving, seeking I feel your prayers, needing your incense rising, inundating olfactory sensing: breathing in, cleansing release, calming vital to the nerves, in prayer allow the heart to settle, the mind to finish quaking, the being to be lowered to the essential secreted refrain, the tongue only good when quiet, allowing simply tasting, provide and keep me near,
All human effort ultimately insufficient, a man can do only what a man can do, joining with a sister a heart can be renewed, allowing proper introspection, pleading with the perpetually adoring, infusion awaiting, calling upon the merciful Trinity: Father, Son and Holy Ghost I am silent, devoted desiring, a new day dawns, moments to appear, needing rest I repose underneath the covers.

The immediate unexpected presented a patience demand, wait God commands, interim, right now not to be, in the meantime not to intervene,
Imperative, essential, spiritual imposition: self-will, self-control, self-discipline,
Franciscan Father David Mary morning away, afternoon busy, no public Memorial Day mass, restrained empty church movement hushing, kneeling anew to child Mary grasping parental hands, Anna and Joachim tendering, sanctuary remembering St Joseph standing to the right,
All is remembered, a different time, a rearranged space,
Private mass for the friars and sisters, no invitation precipitates, resentments and points of view festering,
A town once for exploring, now offering the astonishing, seemingly impossible, memories accost,
Really, did it all truly happen?
Was the precocious foreigner walking these distant disheveled millennial streets, many one-way, vulnerably me?
“What happened?” awakening within a fog, a hospital bed, nurses, authoritative sounds,
Two nurses speak as one,
“The police brought you in, found blacked out in an alley”.
“You nearly caused a young lady a heart attack. Her boyfriend, driving, did not see you, yet she did, lying dead to the world, passed out in the alley”.
“She screamed in hysterics, sure her boyfriend was going to kill you”.
“Where is my scapula and cross?”
“We cut them from your body. They hang upon the cabinet”.
“They are all I have. I am so sick and tired of all this”.
The taller, stronger nurse, walks away, muttering loud enough to be heard, “You don’t even have them, around your neck they mean nothing. I am Catholic. You shame them. You were in here before. Your antics are absurd”.
Experience and happenings piling upon consciousness running upon fear, hiding impossible in this body of tears, accidents and incidents, toils and terrors, my son and family distant, far away, hiding in shame,
A reprieve from dour memories, early mass at the Cathedral, Immaculate Conception, a moment of hurting, darkness ensuing, tears flowing, love accurately caressed, necessary consequence preclusion, the void appears, my core always sheer despair and dismay,
Saigon, a duplicate name, another favorite Vietnamese restaurant, a waitress cuddling a baby, an owner the same, a different time, a different place,
Waiting, unexpectedly anticipating the reacquainting Brothers Minor, barefoot and older, trusting in God, changing while praising the Changeless, Poor Clares of another city now cloistered,
First a temporary place to stay overnight, a bed-n-breakfast, former intellectual acquaintances not home, away visiting France, another intellectual always arises, ready and talking, willing and proposing, a splendid bed to be rent, a library to be spent, posing a mini-electric grand piano stands to be captured,
Books upon books upon books upon books:
Georg Wilhelm Hegel endlessly lecturing on logic and political philosophy, Martin Luther, Sartre a many, Nietzsche even more, Kierkegaard a bore, Machiavel the ‘intellectual’ princes promenading, Heidegger, Thomas Hobbes, Kant, Freud, Jung, BF Skinner, the names never end,
Boyhood ambitions, fantasies, delusions, put to rest, cessation, wanna-be everything amidst the rejection of love, quietude, repudiation, the conclusion of desiring, living lost within worldly ambitions, a faltering brick wall dead end, upended, cast off the mast of misunderstanding,  imprisoning, resorting to a divinely downplayed supernatural finish, prayer usurping thought and written words, I am utterly exhausted,
………….
No more. Enough.
Father forgive me.