Prayer to Saint Joseph for Purity. O GUARDIAN of Virgins and holy Father St. Joseph, into whose faithful keeping were entrusted Christ Jesus, Innocence Itself, and Mary, Virgin of virgins, I pray and beseech thee by these dear pledges, Jesus and Mary, that, being preserved from all uncleanness, I may with spotless mind, pure heart and chaste body, ever serve Jesus and Mary most chastely all the days of my life. Amen.

I created this blog with the intention of establishing a venue in which to deepen my faith through the embracing of a contemplative lifestyle. As I hammer out a faith that truly works, I focus upon the concept of chastity, the battle with the flesh. The path I pursue must be firmly grounded in reality, not an idealistic escapism that draws me deeply into the supernatural, while avoiding the demands of daily living. It is an approach I never truly embraced, thus the need to collapse my life through severe alcoholism.

Unable to flee from temptation, unable to honestly and effectively deal with the anxieties of life, I passionately pursued God in a ‘practically atheistic manner’, that is I concluded my life was doomed for failure and collusion, while embracing the lifestyle of an existential, struggling with existence, writer. A modern man, an underground man, life was something that would never make sense. I could love God, accepting austerity in regards to the sufferings of abusing alcohol, and the whole time living a life that could never attain peace. It was an insane lifestyle that only naturally led to the absolute breakdown that occurred.

Impurity, says Saint Augustine, is a vice which makes war on all, and which few Conquer. “The fight is Common; but the victory rare”. How many miserable souls have entered the contest with this vice, and have been defeated! but, to induce you to-expose yourselves to occasions of this sin, the devil will tell you not to be afraid-of being overcome-by the temptation. “I do not wish”, says Saint Jerome, “to fight with the hope of victory, lest I should sometimes lose the victory”. I will not expose myself to the combat, with the hope-of conquering; because, by voluntarily engaging in the fight, I shall lose my soul and my God. To ‘escape’ defeat in this struggle, a great grace of God is necessary; and to render ourselves worthy-of this grace, we must, on our part, avoid the occasions of sin. To practice the virtue of chastity, it is necessary to recommend ourselves continually-to God: we have not strength to preserve it; that strength must be the gift of God. “And as I knew”, says the wise man, “that I could not otherwise be continent, except God gave it, … I went to the Lord, and besought Him” – Wisdom 8:21. But if we expose ourselves to the occasions of sin, we ourselves shall provide our rebellious flesh with arm, to make war against the soul.  –sermon by St Alphonsus De Liguori ‘Occasions of Sin’.

I am actively pursuing the means to recovery from the physical and mental disability of lengthy practiced alcoholism. Those steps have been put into place, a daily ritual focused upon reality and the assistance of others. My journey of life must not be an isolated endeavor, an effort of singularity relying solely upon my faculties. Not only is a distant Divine assistance sought, my brothers and sisters of the world are tapped into regarding lessons on living and the pursuit of meaning within life. People are no longer merely entertainment. They are to be taken seriously and respected as well springs of knowledge.

The isolation I forced upon my life through decadence, lack of discipline, and indulgence forced celibacy upon my life. ‘He that loveth danger shall perish in it’. Enduring over twenty years, the physical demands of my body were not met, while my mind was filled with fantasy, physical indulgence dreamed about, playing through imagination in areas I pretended I abstained from. The unorthodox celibacy was not brought into fruition through a love of God. The spiritual plane could never bring about good fruit with such an obvious perversion being lived.

In preparation for tending to the issue of chastity, I read the Papal encyclical Sacra Virginitas by Pope Pius XII, written in 1954. I quote infallible words: ‘…a consequence of the fall of Adam the lower faculties of human nature are no longer obedient to right reason and may involve man in dishonorable actions.’ Living a life improperly dedicated to Christ, I see now, could never supply the necessary artillery to attain victory in the difficult battle chastity presents. ‘He that can take it (chastity), let him take it: let him who can, fight, conquer and receive this reward’. The battle with the flesh is truly warfare. The means to victory are beyond my capabilities. Pope Pius writes: ‘The virtue of chastity does not mean that we are insensible to the urge of concupiscence, but that we subordinate it to reason and the law of grace, by striving wholeheartedly after what is noblest in human and Christian life’. Lacking sanity and divine intervention, my powerless condition was truly unmanageable.

As I put into living a new way of life, I consider my convictions toward sexuality. How do I want to think and live? My thoughts instantly go to my spiritual partner Ann Marie, a gift from God, a woman who has changed my life. It is a complex relationship for many reasons, one of them being my desire to possess her as a woman, to see into reality a marriage within the Church. She has made it clear that such thoughts must not be entertained, while establishing a commitment to share life. A strong woman, stronger in determination than myself, I recognize her sustained effort of knowing God through diligence, proper living, psychological cleansing, and commitment to daily mass, the Eucharist (as she says her daily medicine), consecration to Mary, and all other ways prescribed by the Church. She is a challenge in deep regards. I am physically attracted to her, attached to her to a degree she identifies as codependent. I cannot imagine living life without her as she has produced natural results in my life that have allowed an authentic path to the contemplative life to come into practice. Our time together has not been easy for either of us.

Overall, I feel a need to acquiesce to the Almighty, to ask God for assistance. Again the words of Pope Pius XII: “…‘God does not command the impossible, but in commanding serves notice that one do what one can, and pray for what he cannot,’ As Ann Marie puts it. God is a gentleman. He invites, making an offer to chastity, yet he allows me to make the choice. In regards to chastity, there is not a right or a wrong choice. God truly places the decision upon my lap. There is no hidden agenda. Either paths, marriage or chastity, can lead to holiness and thus salvation, eternal peace.

I like the space God provides in facing such a serious situation. Being older, not feeling emotionally strong enough to make a declarative statement, I repose upon waiting. Moral behavior lived, sanctifying grace attuned, I allow the options to take shape in my daily life, allowing discernment to form within the spiritual level, which is through the sacraments, Eucharist, Rosary, and prayer. Miracle thinking and despondency eliminated, I move past fear, identifying how best to fulfill my purpose of praising God and serving my brothers and sisters, including through prayer those in purgatory.

I felt I had more concrete thoughts, yet feel satisfied with this outpouring.

In conclusion, I beg for grace from the abundant giver of grace, my love and woman of splendid repute, my Holy Mother. Mary let your virginity inspire me to love God through pure living. Grace me with the wisdom to pursue a path that brings honor to the love we share. I bow to your worldly husband, a model for manhood, St Joseph. St Joseph pray for me.