I am exhausted, sitting down to type. A fabulous weekend occurrence, Enterprise supplied me with a free car. I reviewed my Memorial Day four day rental justifiably negative through Yelp online. In response, Enterprise called offering the weekend rental. I assumed a sure sign I was destined for Missouri. In route to Missouri, a hundred miles traveled, I received a call from the abbey stating there would be no openings in the guesthouse for the weekend. Struck by a crushing fatigue, I knew it was proper to turn the adventure around, to seek the solace of home. I worked a turnaround shift, getting off at 11:30 PM and reporting back to work 7:00 AM. Following work, I met with Dr Nichta. Walking into his office, he did not even allow me to seat myself on the couch, before imploring: ‘what is wrong? You look awful.’ Work was extremely strenuous today. Maintenance on the thousand ton presses is dirty, greasy and unpleasant due to graphite saturation. To the doctor, I blamed my exhaustion on work, at that point still excited for a Missouri excursion. Moving into the conversation, I discussed work. Dr Nichta penetrated, ‘You saw Ann this week didn’t you?’ I was honest. We discussed matters. I made the point that underneath right and wrong, putting aside justification, deeper issues, everything, I am struck with an impression that she does not understand how earnestly I was wounded. I remember when I left the friary, fighting ferociously with Father David Mary, he suddenly tried to control himself, breaking into tears, proclaiming, ‘you do not know about love. When I love it is deeply, and…..’ I am not sure what else he said I know there was more. It stunned me how much I hurt him. I did not expect it. Regarding Ann, Dr Nichta stressed that recognizing my sober strength right now, my absolute conviction to faith, hope, and charity, my resilient prayer life and devotional dedication to a deeper unification with the Trinity, I should admit how weak and vulnerable I am to my passion for Ann. Within the conviction of righteousness, the desire for a higher love respecting Catholicism, I am utterly weak confronted with love. A devoted personality type, I love on a level penetrating and absolute, yet also in a way that can become destructive, dependency driven. Love overpowers me. I am rendered helpless within love. Dr Nichta assured me everything was deeply spiritual, something I should be proud of. There should be no embarrassment for my grieving. He spoke of time and seasons, and the properness of feeling and passing through, growing beyond difficulties, brutally honest, not running and hiding any in form. To love on a deeper level is virtuous, yet for me also dangerous. Driving, I became overwhelmed with disillusionment and severe weariness, my heart pouring forth tears, I could barely focus upon the road. A hundred miles into my journey, receiving the call from the abbey, I was happy to turn my ship around. I do not even feel like writing. I want to pray a Rosary, and peacefully drift into sleep. I offer an image.

Our Lady Undoer of Knots