Sometimes I am moved to a new understanding when speaking to a foreigner coming into competency with the English language. Tanzanian Father Roger used an expression in a homily yesterday that only an individual possessing a foreign tongue would employ. I found the repeated expression moving. Describing students embarking upon a new school year, he spoke of opening a new identity. Young ones returning to school, starting a new year of learning, were opening a new identity, becoming something they were not before the start of the process.
Opening a new identity fits nicely into my recollections upon identity. Stripping identity, losing self-consciousness in the opening of awareness into perception of the eternal–TRUTH, emptying, escaping the trappings of self-absorption, insecurities and psychological wounds manifesting as delusion, waywardness erupting from frailties and concealed need. Trying to protect ourselves from the storm of being, the need to cling to identity is only sensual and natural–the way of the world. To reject identity without proper formation is the insanity of the arrogant fool. Moving beyond brokenness, the miseries and celebrations of being an individual in a world of sensual over satiation, how can I reject the focus of outward perception, concentrating energy and efforts upon the interior world of the contemplative?
Random words heard recently, existential and dreamy in vision, poignant in masquerading perception.
I have been going on like that for a long time–twenty years….I was a spiteful official. I was rude and took pleasure in being so….A poor jest, but I will not scratch it out. I wrote it thinking it would sound very witty; but now that I have seen myself that I only wanted to show off in a despicable way, I will not scratch it out on purpose…When petitioners used to come for information to the table at which I sat, I used to grind my teeth at them, and felt intense enjoyment when I succeeded in making anybody unhappy. I almost did succeed. For the most part they were all timid people–of course, they were petitioners. But of the uppish ones there was one officer in particular I could not endure. He simply would not be humble, and clanked his sword in a disgusting way. I carried on a feud with him for eighteen months over that sword. At last I got the better of him. He left off clanking it. That happened in my youth, though…But do you know, gentlemen, what was the chief point about my spite? Why, the whole point, the real sting of it lay in the fact that continually, even in the moment of the acutest spleen, I was inwardly conscious with shame that I was not only not a spiteful but not even an embittered man, that I was simply scaring sparrows at random and amusing myself by it….I should grind my teeth at myself afterwards and lie awake at night with shame for months after. That was my way….I was lying when I said just now that I was a spiteful official. I was lying from spite. I was simply amusing myself with the petitioners and with the officer, and in reality I never could become spiteful. I was conscious every moment in myself of many, very many elements absolutely opposite to that. I felt them positively swarming in me, these opposite elements. I knew that they had been swarming in me all my life and craving some outlet…but I would not let them…purposely would not let them come out. They tormented me till I was ashamed: they drove me to convulsions and–sickened me, at last, how they sickened me! Now, are not you fancying, gentlemen, that I am expressing remorse for something now, that I am asking your forgiveness for something? I am sure you are fancying that … However, I assure you I do not care if you are….Fyodor Dostoevsky ‘Notes From the Underground’.
The things I do away from contemplation affect the quality of my contemplation. I cannot be drained by the world, without draining my contemplative efforts. I have been severely drained for weeks. My mind cannot be preoccupied, overwhelmed by emotion, intellectualizing, and imagination.
Do not be conformed to this world but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that you may prove what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. (Romans 12)
Opening a new identity, I embrace all the change washing over my life. It is necessary. A transformation is occuring. Friday, I fly out at five in the morning for North Dakota. I put aside speculation, relaxing into a retreat mentality, pleased to take my camera. It will be a quiet week of reflection and prayer at a remote locale. Beyond that I pray for the Holy Spirit to shower gifts. Wisdom. Understanding. Counsel. Fortitude. Knowledge. Piety (reverence). Fear of the Lord (wonder/awe). Grounded within basics, employing prayer and silence, may the Cardinal virtues: Prudence. Justice. Temperance. Courage. Become stalwarts of my arsenal. Lord, I am tired. I offer my life and my will to be of service to You. Open my eyes so that I may see eternal.
From now on, therefore, we regard no one from a human point of view; even though we once regarded Christ from a human point of view, we regard him thus no longer. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has passed away, behold, the new has come. All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation;
George an Amtrack ticket is $50 round trip. Nothing. That is the way to go. Possibly the weekend of my return from North Dakota–12th and 13th we can arraign everything. It will be nice, apart of a new beginning the 14th. During the morning and early afternoon, I have obligations with the Hospice of Western Reserve for that weekend, attending qualifying training for volunteer status. However that should only prove interesting for you. You can use my bicycle to explore Coventry, University Circle, and Cleveland Heights on your own. An adventurer, I am positive you will reveal an adventure. I can supply information allowing you to prep before the visit. That fits in with the Cleveland Cinematheque film schedule as a huge premiere occurs Saturday the 12th, the opening of Horse Money from Portugal. Intriguingly apropos. If you want to prep for the film, immersing yourself within Portuguese culture, explore ‘Mysteries of Lisbon’, an epic exploration of identity in medieval Portugal.
