Monthly Archives: April 2023

Apr142023

Self-imposed and self-will out of control

In a novel of immense power and complexity, I found the prayer of Dimitri (Mitya) Karamazov, the sensualist, the extremist, to be a powerful portrayal of the negative avenue a mind of passion, self-consumption, and obsession can lead one down. In Book VIII dedicated to his upheaval, Mitya frantically rushes about in pursuit of the love of his life. Open to drunkenness, living constantly on the edge, burning the candle at both ends, he is a maniac trying to swallow the world, a destiny of misfortune and misery forever preying upon his mind. Even in prayer, his appetites and misperceptions dominate his disposition, and therefore his being. There is no hope. There never has been hope. There never will be hope. A profound message to contemplate with Divine Mercy Sunday approaching.

But Mitya did not catch this. In frenzy he prayed, wildly whispering to himself: ‘O Lord, take me in all my lawlessness, but do not judge me. Let me pass without your judgement … Do not judge, for I myself have condemned myself; do not judge, for I love you, Lord! I myself am loathsome, but I love you: if you send me to hell, even there I will love you and will cry from there that I love you until the end of the ages … But let me love to the end… Here, now, let me love to the end, only five hours before your intemperate ray. For I love the empress of my soul. I love and I cannot but love. You yourself see the whole of me. I shall fly to her, fall down before her: you were right to walk past me… Farewell and forget your victim, never trouble yourself more!’ –“The Brother Karamazov” by Fyodor Dostoyevsky

Contemplating the state of Dimitri, left me advancing thoughts to the embodiment of evil, and it’s worldly demise–dying committed to the cause. The thoughts arose from a conversation with a deacon involving the story Lonesome Dove. Blue Duck was a Larry McMurtry character who fascinated me. Righteous anger perverted, a horrid upbringing abandoning a highly intelligent and skilled man to a devotion to evil. Blue Duck was a force to be reckoned with beyond the might of normal men/women. Even the combined forces of Woodrow F. Call and Augustus McCrae were no match. Heroically, devotedly, beyond the concerns of the world, Blue Duck would dramatically take himself into death.

spacer
Apr132023

In the presence of a prosperous hardened heart

…or – or the old man had been laughing at him! 

Alas! That latter notion was the only correct one. Later, long afterwards, when the entire catastrophe had been enacted, old Samsonov himself would admit, laughing, that he had indeed exposed the ‘captain’ to ridicule. This was a malicious, cold and mocking individual, who was, moreover, possessed of certain morbid antipathies. It may have been the captain’s look of ecstasy, or the foolish conviction of this prodigal and waster’ that he, Samsonov, might fall for such rubbish as his ‘plan’, or it may have been an emotion of jealousy on account of Grushenka, in whose name ‘that terror’ had come to him with some kind of rubbish for money – I do not know exactly what it was that prompted the old man at the time, but at the moment Mitya stood before him, feeling his legs turn to jelly, and inanely exclaiming that he was lost – at that moment the old man looked at him with infinite malice and took it into his head to make fun of him. When Mitya had left, Kuzma Kuzmich, pale with malice, turned to his son and instructed him to see to it that in future ‘that ragamuffin’ never set foot in his house again nor even his yard, or he would….

He did not actually say what he threatened to do, but even his son who had frequently witnessed his wrath, stared with fear. For a whole hour thereafter the old man positively shook all over with malice, and when evening came he fell ill and sent for the ‘leech’.

Dostoevsky ‘The Brother Karamazov’ translated by David McDuff

spacer
spacer
Apr112023

Circumcized Heart

…without obedience to God’s commands there is no potential for the love of God. Jesus simply reiterates this idea: “If you love Me you will keep My commandments.” Thus the circumcision of the heart is the readiness to obey God which is the prerequisite for being able to love God. It is noteworthy that when Jesus chooses to sum up once and for all, the entire law and prophets, He chooses to draw from this very passage — the same passage which ties circumcision of the heart to the total love of God.

And also noteworthy is the fact that God Himself will be the one to circumcise our hearts. Just as it was the responsibility of each Hebrew father to circumcise his sons and all the males of his household, God the Father of every Christian child, will take the responsibility of seeing to it that His children’s hearts are circumcised! This idea needs to be drawn out theologically. It will be done here in the simplest way. The catechism teaches that circumcision prefigures baptism. In the Old Covenant, circumcision was the rite of initiation which brought a person into covenant with God. Likewise, baptism is the rite of initiation wherein a person becomes a child of God. But in neither case does the story end there. Because man has free will, he constantly has to keep himself in covenant with God through obedience to God. That is why in the Old Covenant, God continually called the people to circumcise their hearts even though their flesh was already circumcised. But because of Christ’s redeeming work, when we are baptized, we are freed of original sin and so we begin in a much better place — with hearts which have been circumcised by the Father. Perhaps the removal of original sin in baptism is the circumcision God promises to His people in Deuteronomy 30. And yet, as mentioned, we have free will, so we must continually choose the circumcision of the heart. Just as the Jews, though already circumcised , were asked to examine their hearts and keep them circumcised, so we too, though circumcised of heart at baptism, must keep vigilance over our hearts and continually present ourselves to Him who is capable and willing, to Him who is skilled with the scalpel.

“Circumcision and the Crucifixion” written by Maggie Willson in the magazine Homiletic and Pastoral Review

Adrift in a nebulous void, an abyss undefined by darkness, sensing the quality of light beyond, I am aroused by a sensation below.  Slothfully, I identify myself in a lucid dream.  Looking downward, viewing my naked body, I notice a chord emanating from my chest.  A winding twining thing, comprised of two distinct strands bursting forward. 

Exiting, originating from my heart, the chord is constantly drawn from my body.  The force pulling the chord is consistent and firm.  It does not move my body—the chord sliding forth while not pulling my body.  Gliding outward, the distinct chord is apart from my body.  It is something connected, yet detached; similar to a magician pulling a seemingly endless napkin from his pocket.

Visually, I follow the chord to its source, discovering two beings pulling forth.  Their form is that of humans, however, their appearance is shrouded by a mysterious cloud of illusion.  I notice wings, tiny bodies: cherubs a playing, filled with joy, laughing and singing.  I can not clearly focus upon the sweet tiny angels.  They swim in and out of focus.  I am able to distinguish both cherubs are absorbed in the effort of pulling at the chord, or rather pulling at individual ends.  The twining strands couple to form the single chord passing from my heart.

At the point of contact with my flesh, the mystical chord creates friction, igniting a burning sensation throughout my body.  Energy exchanged.  Fear erupts.  I panic, fighting against the heavenly exterior efforts.  Opposition ingrained, I reach out to grasp the chord in order to strengthen my resistance.  As I grab the chord, my perspective suddenly changes, my consciousness exiting my body.  I am now able to perceive, simultaneously, from the opposite originating points.  I am looking back at myself, the pulling cherubs now my two eyes, two eyes seeing as one.  I watch my body struggle as I sustain the effort of drawing the chord outward, from my current perspective inward. 

Incredibly, my emotional state achieves an abnormally peaceful state with my change of perception.  The tension of my physical body assuaged.  I acknowledged the serene state of being as a hand holding a dagger extends outward from my current position.  The singular hand is huge in perception.  Unemotionally, I realize the intention of the dagger.  A driving force plunges the dagger directly into my heart.  The moment the dagger penetrates my flesh, my perspective snaps back to my body. 

An emotional upheaval erupts.  I am pierced, overwhelmed, finding it difficult due to the flooding of thoughts.  Anxiety forces the desire to move.  Deluged with fear, hysterical with the thought of death, I cry out to the surrounding emptiness.

Remarkably, I am stunned by an incredible lack of sensation.  The dagger does not pierce inflicting pain, rather it soothes, gratifies, burning with an extreme coldness, cauterizing.  My chest is an infected, seriously abscessed wound now being relieved of its painful pressure.  The supernatural relaxing sensation comforts, causing a complete inner collapse, or is it possibly a return to a natural state?  All my muscles release, miraculously all physical tension is eliminated.  I am shocked by the feeling of complete release.  I never realized there was so much tension existing within my body.

As the dagger settles deeper, blood begins to pour out and over my body.  Striking the center of my heart, the dagger produces a thick stream of dark red, almost black blood.  Bathing my body, the blood stimulates a primordial warmth, blanketing innate fear and ignorance.  The profoundness of the act advances into a practical awareness.  This must be done.  The subtle thought of a womb never completely develops as it is overwhelmed by the image of a red orchid blossoming upon my open chest.

Slowly awakening, slothful and groggy, I emerge from the dream.  Whispering.  “Should have dug the dagger deeper.” 

spacer
Apr102023

Self-awareness

And in a prayer at Avignon, addressing God the Father, she (St Catherine of Siena) confesses:

I am a foolish and wretched creature while you are supreme goodness. I am death and you are life. I am darkness and you are light. I am ignorance and you are wisdom. You are infinite and I am finite. I am sick and you are the doctor. I am a weak sinner who has never loved you.

An open and honest acknowledgment of past failure was, for Catherine, of fundamental importance in the spiritual life. At no stage, however, did she suggest that we are obliged, with grim repetitiveness, to put our face down into the mud of the memory of our past sin. Accordingly, to a contemplative nun who was
suffering greatly from discouragement, she wrote:

I really want you to see your nothingness and negligence and ignorance-but I don’t want you to see them through the darkness of discouragement but in the light of the infinite goodness of God you find within yourself. Understand that the devil would like nothing better than to have you go over and over the knowledge of your wretchedness without anything else to season it. But that knowledge has to be seasoned with hope in God’s mercy.

‘St Catherine of Siena: Mystic of Fire, Preacher of Freedom’ written by Paul Murray OP

spacer
Apr092023

Elder Zosima thoughts

Young man, be not forgetful of prayer. Every time you pray, if your prayer is sincere, there will be new feeling and new meaning in it, which will give you fresh courage, and you will understand that prayer is an education. Remember, too, every day, and whenever you can, repeat to yourself, “Lord, have mercy on all who appear before Thee to‐day.” For every hour and every moment thousands of men leave life on this earth, and their souls appear before God. And how many of them depart in solitude, unknown, sad, dejected that no one mourns for them or even knows whether they have lived or not! And behold, from the other end of the earth perhaps, your prayer for their rest will rise up to God though you knew them not nor they you. How touching it must be to a soul standing in dread before the Lord to feel at that instant that, for him too, there is one to pray, that there is a fellow creature left on earth to love him too! And God will look on you both more graciously, for if you have had so much pity on him, how much will He have pity Who is infinitely more loving and merciful than you! And He will forgive him for your sake.

Brothers, have no fear of men’s sin. Love a man even in his sin, for that is the semblance of Divine Love and is the highest love on earth. Love all God’s creation, the whole and every grain of sand in it. Love every leaf, every ray of God’s light. Love the animals, love the plants, love everything. If you love everything, you will perceive the divine mystery in things. Once you perceive it, you will begin to comprehend it better every day. And you will come at last to love the whole world with an all‐ embracing love. Love the animals: God has given them the rudiments of thought and joy untroubled. Do not trouble it, don’t harass them, don’t deprive them of their happiness, don’t work against God’s intent. Man, do not pride yourself on superiority to the animals; they are without sin, and you, with your greatness, defile the earth by your appearance on it, and leave the traces of your foulness after you—alas, it is true of almost every one of us! Love children especially, for they too are sinless like the angels; they live to soften and purify our hearts and as it were to guide us. Woe to him who offends a child! Father Anfim taught me to love children. The kind, silent man used often on our wanderings to spendthe farthings given us on sweets and cakes for the children. He could not pass by a child without emotion. That’s the nature of the man.

The Brothers Karamazov — Fyodor Dostoyevsky

spacer
spacer