Contemplation

Apr282015

Futility blessings

‘Four Quartets’ clip
T.S. Eliot

Trying to use words, and every attempt
Is a wholy new start, and a different kind of failure
Because one has only learnt to get the better of words
For the thing one no longer has to say, or the way in which
One is no longer disposed to say it. And so each venture
Is a new beginning, a raid on the inarticulate,
With shabby equipment always deteriorating
In the general mess of imprecision of feeling,
Undisciplined squads of emotion. And what there is to conquer
By strength and submission, has already been discovered
Once or twice, or several times, by men whom one cannot hope
To emulate – but there is no competition –
There is only the fight to recover what has been lost
And found and lost again and again: and now, under conditions
That seem unpropitious. But perhaps neither gain nor loss.
For us, there is only the trying. The rest is not our business.

Words from a Trappist monk–told to me, heard from a dying monk by a hosting monk when he was younger. The first monk the hosting brother witnessed pass away in community.  The death cementing the finality of his cloistered life discernment.  The abbey graveyard became a daily reality. The words shaped his spiritual life. ‘As my life draws to an end, I realize very few things were truly any of my business’. The hosting monk, elderly during our time together, wasting time gracefully, commented: ‘When I was young, I read voraciously, now I hardly read and what I do read rarely makes sense, nor can I stay focused. I am working with watercolors, however my efforts are abysmal. I have these images and colors in my mind, yet they do not come through. I once saw a snow covered pine tree through a window frame unintentionally placing a cross before the winter scene. It seemed something important presented itself. I wanted to convey it, yet I doubt my ambition will be accomplished. My efforts are childish’.

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Apr282015

Purposeful prayer

Prayer…is not the end we propose to ourselves in a spiritual life; it is only a means by which we help ourselves to make progress in virtue, and to obtain a victory over our passions and evil inclinations, in order that, having surmounted all the obstacles that hinder us from approaching God, and having made straight the path that leads to Him, we may unite ourselves inseparably with Him. When St Paul had the eyes of his soul entirely opened by God, by that light which flashed on him from heaven, and by that divine voice that said to him, “I am Jesus whom you persecute”, what a change was made upon a sudden in him? With what promptitude, with what submission, did he then abandon himself to the will of God, as his own words testify—“Lord, what would you have me do?”…-–St Alphonsus Rodriguez

…as he went on his journey,
it came to pass…
a light from heaven shined
round about him….
falling on the ground,
…heard a voice…
Saul, Saul, why persecutest thou me?
…Who art thou, Lord?
…I am Jesus whom thou persecutest.
It is hard for thee to kick against the goad.
…trembling and astonished…
Lord, what wilt thou have me to do?

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Apr272015

Discernment

One dark night,
Fired with love’s urgent longings
ah, the sheer grace!
I went out unseen,
my house being now all stilled.

Stilling my house within a socially active life is more difficult than if I were graced with the path of a cloistered monk. Every life has its challenges, identifying the unique difficulties is important. When I started this blog, I concentrated upon finding an individual path within the vastness of the Church, being able to connect to Christ while finding my proper role within the Church. I must soundly establish Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior, while abiding, adoring, in obedience to the Church, and thus within everything surrendering to the love of my Holy Mother, also turning to the strength and inspiration of the saints.  A strong prayer life and devotion to the Eucharist are my greatest weapons. It is a complex process leading to simplicity that allows love to reign supreme in my life.

My thoughts go in this direction after several recovery experiences. The demands well intended people in the recovery world make upon one another can be overwhelming. To be able to absorb what is good for me to keep me socially active, alert and thriving in the real world, also brings forth complexities and demands that are easy to wage war upon. In an early Monday morning meeting there is a gentleman intent upon establishing himself as my guru, a spiritual director, a knower of all things that must be adhered to if one is going to successfully recover from a life of severe alcoholism. I relish the man’s input, yet serious flaws easily emerge. He could never be my spiritual director. Today, observing him aggressively attempting to convince a new young man court ordered to attend meetings I felt sorry for the man. He is so intent upon others recognizing his spiritual superiority it is distressing to observe. He is an intelligent, successful man, however his demand to establish himself as a teacher hinders his spiritual life. My challenge is not to fight him, while remaining open and willing to listen to him. He possesses wisdom. The greatest lesson he may provide is the practicing of the principle of being vulnerable while also strong, malleable yet distinct in purpose. I would also like to add that the easy comment of praying for someone one finds offensive while loving them can be superficial and shallow; a subversive, passively aggressive way of avoiding interior reflection, raising one’s self above, while allowing perceived righteousness to nurture negative growth. God does not want my prayers and love for others that I have judged inferior and wrong. I am positive he would rather I accept the honesty of the situation, especially regarding my faults and accountability. How does God truly see the situation, the judged will be judged.

The idea of finding my place within the Church, able to grow spiritually demands that with growth I maintain proper perspective, not allowing advancement to allow pride to fertilize ambition that seeks only personal satisfaction or sweet spiritual consolations. I relate everything to another gentleman I encountered, a strange man with a complex story I have not fully digested, still sorting through the details, accepting mysteries and incongruities. I like his presence. I know he is a holy man just shaking his hand, blessed to hold hands with him praying the ‘Our Father’. The man an extreme business success, maintaining years of sobriety, a solid family life, and active within the Church, was sentenced to eight years in prison due to a critical indiscretion with a young lady. He stated once his innocence and a disastrous plea bargain. A heavy hitting lawyer I spoke with later told me he never saw such a sentence, and the fact current law would not allow the sentence due to the nature of the crime and the fact he possessed no criminal record. By current law, the man could not be sentenced to more than a year in prison. Regardless of justice or injustice, the man now sees his time in prison as a grace, a time of ascetic monasticism he needed. Imprisoned older, in his late fifties, he served his time amongst an elderly group–some lifers focused upon their Catholic faith. In prison, concentrating upon the Church, turning to Mary, seeking Jesus with all his heart, the man revealed the wisdom of God within his life, advancing everything to the most remarkable story of a heart attack in prison. The physical dramatics and pain of suffering a heart attack brought forth joy and visions of the divine. It is an extraordinary story, supernatural. Disregarding the overwhelming dramatics of the man’s story, told in such a simple peaceful manner, level-headed—no need at all for acceptance by others, produced a profound message regarding grace. This man authentically saw God’s grace as an eight year prison sentence, a sentence others quickly point out as unjust, and a heart attack. The stilling of his house occurred within the Big House and was maintained through a near fatal heart attack

God’s ways are mysterious, may I remain strong while becoming weak, in the process learning to properly discern God’s voice.

One dark night,
Fired with love’s urgent longings
ah, the sheer grace!
I went out unseen,
my house being now all stilled.

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Apr232015

Prayer guidance and inspiration from Suso

Form the suffering of Christ crucified within oneself, His sweet teachings, His gentle conduct, and His pure life, which He led as an example for us to follow, and thus through Him press further within. Afterward, as exterior preoccupations disappear, one should sit in the stillness of one’s spirit in vigorous detachment, as though one is dead to one self, never leading to oneself or being one’s own goal, but having Christ alone and the honor and glory of the heavenly Father as one’s goal. Toward others, both friends and enemies, one should act humbly and friendly.

Now when the spirit, unconscious of itself, really begins to dwell in this transfigured resplendent darkness, it becomes free of all obstacles and all that is its own, as St Bernard says….This losing of self is something divine that somehow becomes all things for him….the spirit withdraws, but not completely. It takes on certain qualities of the Godhead…it does not become God….What happens…happens by grace…something created out of nothing that remains forever…as the soul is taken in, it is freed from doubt as it becomes lost when it is separated from its individuality and is joined to what is divine while being unconscious of itself….the power of resplendent divine being, the spirit is pulled upward beyond its natural capacities into the nakedness of this nothing because it is bare of creatures of any kind….The spirit loses its own knowledge because it loses itself, lacking any awareness of self and forgetting all things. And this happened when the spirit in itself turned away from the created nature of its self and all things toward the naked uncreatedness of nothingness. –Henry Suso

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Apr222015

Love

I am going to insistent upon exploring to the minutest detail the complications with my former spiritual partner.  It all has to do with love.  The further I go the more convinced I am correct in everything I do with her. She has been hard and demanding on me and now in return, through absolute love, I return the favor.  The love she offered, indifference actually, she defines as Godly, a love away from the perverted love my mother offered.  Her indifference is a love on the level God loves. God is pure love, above the emotional, selfish, sappy, crap I approach her with.  I have no idea how to love, thus it was her spiritual responsibility to reshape my distorted opinions on love.  Lacking emotion, getting absolutely nothing from me, in fact not even liking me as a person, at times stating she despised me, she was confident in her approach as a spiritual superior that she was capable of battering me with a higher love, pummeling me with harsh conditions, conversation, and ideas in order to reshape my understanding of a deeper love.  She would scream how if I wanted to leave her there were others who would receive her graces.  She views her interactions with others as an opportunity for those she chooses to encounter to receive blessings.  Those fortunate to receive her attention are capable of garnering special favors from God.  Where in scripture Matthew tells us that where two or three of us are gathered in His name, there He is, she discerns that due to her spiritual superiority she is the one bringing the graces to holy gatherings.  Disrespecting me, screaming at me, intentionally hurting me when she sensed romantic feelings flowering within me, stating to me she was in love romantically with various other men, telling me she was dating, she did everything she could to rattle me.  Hurting me allowed me opportunity for growth and graces.  I had to accept and endure.  She believed in me, while feeling absolutely nothing for me.  My love for her only grew.  This must read dramatic, insane even, yet it is truth, a lived reality.  It must be understood the woman is remarkably intelligent, spiritually insightful, responsible in every regard, detail oriented in life, positive attributes flow from her.  Miracles occurred in my life during my interaction with her.  Her positive attributes, my love for her, and above all God’s blessings produced phenomenal results.  However now that maturity has been firmly established within my life a new playing field is presented.  New ways dictate further growth.  Love needs further defining, and I am positive my concept of love is the correct one.   I want her to know my love.  Her concept of love is her spiritual downfall.  The more I saw it, the more signs poured in that her accepting of a romantic love between us was fundamental to her spiritual growth, the deeper in love I fell.  I am in love with her as I comprehend that love is healing for both of us.  It is not a selfish endeavor.  The love I offer is Godly in the sense it provides healing for both of us, while guiding toward a greater mutual unification in Christ.  Three in one—through, with, and in as a couple we merge with Christ, the sacrament of marriage approached on the deepest level.  I saw all this.  I knew all of this.  However she had to accept all of this.  I will never cease in my love.  Everything is too clearly laid out before me.  Where she turns to self-will and self-defense in protecting herself from a deeper love, I open my heart, becoming vulnerable, becoming weak, allowing God to witness me offering my heart in faith, hope, and charity to another.  Where she shuns emotion and passion, I point to the Song of Songs and observe God embrace these very powerful ideas.  I know cloistered men and women, St Bernard of Clairvaux leading, adore the poem of passion play between lovers.  Love is all about emotion and passion.  Her sense of indifference and scoffing at emotion is not a higher love, but a lesser love of defense and manipulation. Self-will crushing Divine Will.  All these truths are so apparent, yet if she rejects them what am I to do?  Heartbroken, I move forward the best I can.  Overwhelmed, sadness becomes a reality.  To love on the highest level does not allow you to walk away as if nothing matters, turning to others, moving away as if nothing of consequence happened.  Everything happened.  The passion play God desires to enrapture our lives within has been extinguished before it could ever truly be started.  Everything must mean something, for if it does not then where is the hope and love?  If indifference and hardness rule at its best shallowness and superficiality are achieved.  At its worst frustration, fear, hatred and other psychological dilemmas are created.  Disorder builds upon disorder.  Spiritual masters may become so immersed within such a powerful and overwhelming love for God that indifference becomes their predisposition toward all things worldly, however for those of us who are not spiritual masters I think indifference is a sign of brokenness.  I am confident that throughout my life, I have not encountered a single lay person who is a spiritual master.  Any lay person who offers indifference to their brothers and sisters under the guise of a higher love must be treated kindly, yet with great caution.  Odds are astronomical that is a person who has wreaked havoc in the lives of others throughout his or her life.

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Apr222015

Quick hit for the skies and a dedicated clip from Song of Songs

Return flight home lots of turbulence landing and flying over Lake Erie.  Loved it.  What have I been missing all of these years never flying.  I want to fly over the Rockies.  A west coast pilgrimage will be sought. The Cistercian monastery Abbey of Our Lady of the Holy Trinity in Huntsville, Utah comes quickly to mind.  Another is the Colordado mountain Trappist retreat provided by St Benedict’s Monastery, the home of Father Thomas Keating.  My immediate and intense attraction to flying makes me think I should have considered being a pilot.  My mother would have never let it happen.

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Song of Songs for Ann Marie Najjar, for everything she has done for me.

Come with me from Lebanon, my bride; come with me from Lebanon.
…from the dens of lions, from the mountains of leopards.
You have ravished my heart, my sister, my bride,
You have ravished my heart with a glance of your eyes,
With one jewel of your necklace (rosary).
How sweet is your love, my sister, my bride!
How much better is your love than wine,

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Apr202015

An airplane flight and important words from Henry Suso

I discovered a new passion today. Flying is wonderful. At fifty, I have never flown. I found the experience exhilarating. Wonderful.

10 - 10 You could ride an endless sea of clouds with a window seat

I want to preface this quote from Henry Suso’s ‘The Exemplar: The Life of the Servant’ with the comment it is important, words to consider deeply.  Take them slow.

…Brother John, showed him in a vision the delightful beauty by which his soul had been transfigured.  From him also the servant begged for the answer to a question.  This was: Which of all the exercises was the one that caused a person the most hardship and was most useful?  He received the answer that nothing was more painful and profitable for a person that for him, with an attitude of detachment, to go out from God with patience toward himself and thus leave God for the sake of God.

Let’s repeat that ending. …leave God for the sake of God. 

For the sake of internal cleansing, a feat complex in proper doing, can I forget about God and focus upon myself.  Avoiding selfishness and self-absorption, concentrating upon weaknesses, psychological frailties, personal shortcomings, character defects can I abandon self-righteous conduct and thoughts focused upon God and look sternly in the mirror?  With the assistance of qualified others can I conduct painful insightful self-examination?  Is a personal inventory more important than personal glorification in God?

Humbly and honestly, I feel gifted with a strong prayer life, yet I realize psychological conditions, worldly matters cannot be left behind during prayer.  I cannot escape into God in order to ignore myself.  It is not proper to pray devotedly while not growing as a man.  My former spiritual partner stressed to me Aquinas thought that grace builds upon nature.  I am going through an intensely emotional and troubling time with that former spiritual partner.  As much as she has done for me, we are absolutely destroying each other right now.  It was so difficult to go into prayer today. During the plane ride, I observed the marvel of seeing the skies for the first time from above.  The sights filled me with awe and wonder, intensifying my love for God.  I love flying.  However through the splendor of high flying, while praying the Rosary, Divine Mercy, and holding silence, my head felt like it was going to split from the stress and pressure that overwhelms my life.  Lack of sleep troubling horribly today.  Necessary actions hurt.  My eyes had trouble focusing, my whole sense of being is discombobulated, disjointed, and off kilter.  I despise it, however it must be endured, passed through and properly dealt with.  Aggressive, I seek solutions.  I love on a deep and passionate level, taking the Song of Songs serious.  I remember leaving the friary how intensely Father David Mary and myself fought.  Like lions fighting over a fresh kill, we tore at each other.  I am not saying it is right.  It is human and the way we encountered.  Neither of us being truly a bad guy.  We were two men of God absolutely in collusion–I use that word specifically  Collusion defined:a secret agreement, especially for fraudulent or treacherous purposes; conspiracy and Law. a secret understanding between two or more persons to gain something illegally, to defraud another of his or her rights, or to appear as adversaries though in agreement: example collusion of husband and wife to obtain a divorce.  There is so much more to it than just circumstances with Father David Mary, myself and the former spiritual partner: Subconscious issues from individual lives.  Mine: a life of severe alcoholism, parental issues, and intimate relationship issues.  Father David Mary a volatile blue collar New York City upbringing.  We must be so careful when interacting with each other in a deeply spiritual manner.  I saw it in the friary so piercingly.  We are vulnerable in a brutally damaging way when we open ourselves spiritually to one another.  I am positive the majority of people trying to guide others do as much damage as good.  Unfortunately, the damage usurps the good. True teachers are few and far between. That includes myself!!!  Be careful, kind and tender with one another’s souls.  This is no game.  Can we leave God in order to allow others to move closer to God?  I remember homily words from a priest: be careful when you are crowding around the tabernacle that your greatest achievement is not blocking others from the Eucharist.

Can I abandon evangelizing in order to grow interiorly?  Can I forsake being a Bible scholar, a recognized knowledgeable man of scripture, in order to allow scripture to penetrate those things that block me from Christ?  Can I detach from my religious reputation in order to strengthen humility and understand myself better?  Do I cling to the idea of being a spiritual superior over reducing my pride in order to draw closer to God?  Do I see myself as a provider of graces for others, rather than an honest sharing equal to my brother and sisters in Christ?  Can I disown seeing myself as a spiritual director in order to cleanse my fleshly vessel?  Can I quit the idea of giving others advice how to properly follow Christ in order to purify the temple of my body?  Can I stay silent when others ramble about spiritual matters?  Do I see myself as a teacher amongst others rather than servant of Christ?  Do I judge and use God as a weapon to bolster myself? Can I remain hidden, focusing upon my devotion to Mary, relying upon Her assistance in approaching Her Son, rather than being a clanging gong?  Do I allow Mary to dispense graces?  Do I use religion to elevate my self-esteem?  Can I quietly receive communion, absolutely absorbed within the presence entering my body, avoiding self-consciousness, thoughts of God and Holy matters?  Can I sit before the Eucharist quiet and still.

…leave God for the sake of God.

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