Munda cor meum, ac labia mea, omnipotens Deus, qui labia Isaiae prophetae calculo mundasti ignito: ita me tua grata miseratione dignare mundare, ut sanctum Evangelium tuum digne valeam nuntiare. Per Christum Dominum nostrum. Amen.

Cleanse my heart and my lips, O almighty God, Who didst cleanse with a burning coal the lips of the prophet Isaias; and vouchsafe in Thy loving kindness so to purify me that I may be enabled worthily to announce Thy holy Gospel. Through Christ our Lord. Amen.

I humbly open with words from the Tridentine Rite mass, attempting to purify intent. During mass, the words cleanse toward the reading of the Gospel, the Good News, Divine word defining Christ.

in principio erat Verbum et Verbum erat apud Deum et Deus erat Verbum hoc erat in principio apud Deum omnia per ipsum facta sunt et sine ipso factum est nihil quod factum est in ipso vita erat et vita erat lux hominum 5 et lux in tenebris lucet et tenebrae eam non conprehenderunt

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.[a] 2 He was in the beginning with God; 3 all things were made through him, and without him was not anything made that was made. 4 In him was life,[b] and the life was the light of men. 5 The light shines in the darkness,[c] and the darkness has not overcome it. (John 1)

I want to explore thoughts, assisting me in establishing who I am through my blogging effort. I would like to introduce a line from Contemplative in the Mud “We might also find that one undertakes moral virtue in order to repose in contemplation…” We are virtuous, acting properly, aligned with Divine Will, so we can undertake superior contemplation. The pursuit of my passion; contemplation, adoration of God, is only conducted at supreme value when my active life is in order. It has been seriously out of order in the past. Cyclical in strengthening, contemplation then nurtures greater efficacy in action. Action arising from thought thus signifies contemplation purifies thought. From my head (thought) to my heart (conviction/will) to my hand or tongue (behavior/action) to consequences, thus the state of my soul. Head to heart to hand to virtue or sin, the aftermath shame or strengthening. Virtue builds upon virtue, as sin builds upon sin. As a contemplative, I make sure my house is in order to ensure the furthering of contemplative efforts.

Other events in my life have led me to focus upon social interaction, keeping my house in order while interacting with others, not depleting energy. I thought this might be petty, trivial, and seemingly over-analyzing. However, I am going to place trust in myself. If my efforts of tuning with God are proper then my thoughts will be constructively graced with greater means of accessing God. God is within, waiting for my revealing. He has been there the whole time desiring to love me. Let me allow Him to make Himself known. Who am I Lord? Who are You Lord?

My concern focuses upon a Christmas party I will be attending tonight. It will be a large gathering of faith based individuals. Socializing does not come natural to me. As an alcoholic, I isolated. I recognize as a part of my recovery from alcoholism, it is important for me to socialize, to properly conduct an active life. Left to my own devices, no matter how much I love God, the past has proven I will self-destruct. I relate this to St Benedict’s defining of four types of monks. Most effective, Cenobites belong to a monastery, living under a rule and superior. Thoroughly under obedience, the Cenobite serves God righteously. The second type of monk, a hermit, attains a singular lifestyle only after proving himself as a cenobite. A hermit is not ready to wage solitary war against the devil until he has proven himself under obedience. We cannot succesfully go off alone, until we have proven we can succesfully function within a group. As a contemplative in the world, it is important to understand the final two types of monks, dangerous states of spiritual pursuit. The third type, Sarabaites, quoting St Benedict: Still loyal to the world by their actions, they clearly lie to God by their tonsure. Two or three together, or even alone, without a shepherd, they pen themselves up in their own sheepfolds, not the Lord’s. Their law is what they like to do, whatever strikes their fancy. Anything they believe in and choose, they call holy; anything they dislike, they consider forbidden. The fourth type, gyrovagues, wander about continuously, prone to a life plagued by self-will run riot. The tendency to constantly reinvent themselves, not to be held accountable to past indiscretions, is a weakness of the wanderlust monk. As a layperson attempting to live the contemplative life it is impossible to live under the ideal conditions of the cenobite. I must be on guard against the perils of the remaining three types of monks.

Maintaining a healthy social life allows me to balance the active and contemplative life. Socializing is really not difficult for me once it is embraced. I find that people enjoy my company, and that I do have quality people skills. I possess a soft personality that tends to listen, paying attention to others, being honest, open, and willing, fully present. My past fear of people was truly unfounded, especially in regards to trusting in God. Fear dominated my life when truly there was nothing to fear. It reminds me of a story regarding the Little Flower. St Therese, as a little girl, was looking in her bedroom window when she observed two little demons wreaking havoc in her home. In attitude and behavior, the little demons were out of control, acting as evil and wild as they could be. St Therese realized the demons were truly weak. Their power was limited. They desired great evil, yet could accomplish very little. St Therese knocked on the window and the little demons fled in fright. Evil truly is weak. The clashing battle ground is our souls. There the influence of evil can take hold, attaining power it could never attain upon its own. I also think of Brother Juniper, a favorite of the early Franciscan friars. Brother Francis and others would warn evil spirits and demons that if they did not disperse they would send Brother Juniper after them. My heart smiles so much when I imagine the scenario. Brother Juniper was a foolish simpleton, good hearted and always in trouble. Giving to the extreme, woe followed him as he was known to give away even sacred objects and his own habit, reducing himself to no clothing. It is important to understand the demons fear of Brother Juniper. He was so simple, honest, and good hearted there was nothing for the demons to tempt. They could not offer false knowledge, or worldly goods, or lustful pleasures as Brother Juniper’s simple innocence would only want to proclaim the glory of God. He would respond to evil with simplicity, a lack of intelligence, and overwhelmingly authentic absolute love, trying to help evil see the errors of their ways. I can just hear the demons speaking at the threat of Brother Juniper being sent their way. “Oh no not the moron. I hate that guy.” “He makes me want to puke. What a simpleton and fool he is. He makes me sick. Let’s get out of here before that idiot shows up. What a waste of time he is.” Then Brother Juniper running after the demons, hollering wait brothers I want to talk to you about the glory of God, and the love of Our Savior Jesus Christ, and the dispenser of grace His Holy Mother. There is so much I want to talk to you about. The demons increasing in haste at the sight and sound of Brother Juniper racing after them, clothed only in an undergarment as once again he gave away his habit to some desperate soul seeking warmth

Socializing, I want to go back to the idea of St Francis placing himself under obedience to everyone he encountered. There is an extreme humility there that I find enlightening. At this party tonight, my goal is to enjoy myself, while providing comfort and pleasant memories for others. I want to be of service to my brothers and sisters by assisting in making their Advent season a warm memorable time. Being a faith based group, there will be the tendency to discuss spiritual matters. I find this to be a delicate situation. It never ceases to amaze me the fragile nature of so many who concentrate upon the spiritual life. Previous in this blog, I touched on the character defect of over-sensitivity. So many who make faith their focus fall short in interacting with the world. I remember a dramatic statement a respected spiritual director, Myron, made to me once in front of the Eucharist: “take a look at the nut jobs around you. The spiritual life is a dangerous and difficult game”. The church we were in was downtown Cleveland, one tending to draw a unique crowd, yet I chuckled at his words, finding meaning in them. In the crowd tonight, I find it essential to remain low key, inquiring about others, seeking to understand rather than be understood. To truly trust in God is to understand that God does not need me to impress everyone with my knowledge of Him. I may need this, but God does not. It is mortifying to hear conversations about scripture, and other aspects of the spiritual life and make no comment, yet also trusting authentic discernment to know when a word or two about God can prove meaningful. I must be sure that I am not moving away from God when I am talking about God. Of course St Francis’ words about preaching the Gospel daily, and if really necessary that includes using words. The previously mentioned Myron use to speak about being a silent living tabernacle amongst others. Stay quiet and hidden, allow God to determine those who need to see the work you have been conducting. If your spiritual efforts are thorough, producing good fruit within yourself, God will send individuals to share with. Be patient, trust, allow God to handle matters. In regards to this blog, I tell no one about my efforts. No one I know, except my dear friend Ann Marie—the originator of the idea to start the blog, knows about my effort. The young accomplished violin player Victoria I have intentions of informing. Young, she displays a remarkable proficiency in prayer, and her musical skills are amazingly meditative. New social worlds are opening to me as a blessed soul, also consecrated to Our Holy Mother, an owner of enchanting Catholic bookstore has taken interest in me, urging me to lead Rosaries in her chapel, insisting I attend specific Church functions. Her attention and interest humbles and delights. Even this wonderful woman will not know of my blogging efforts. God will determine who observes this blog. Maybe none will. So be it. God provides.

Keep in mind, that remaining hidden is not done outwittingly clever. I am not trying to outsmart everyone by staying three steps ahead, too fast to take that test. The preservation of energy is the motivation. I am focusing upon my life as a contemplative, channeling all action into nurturing my contemplative life. Intense edification for myself comes through mass, sitting before the Eucharist, my prayer life, and more and more indirectly reading. I use to think reading, acquiring knowledge, was the means to understanding God. Lately, it has been reduced in value, maintaining importance yet losing dominance.

A NEW DAY

The previous writing was conducted yesterday during the afternoon. I have been to the Christmas party. It was a wonderful, meaningful event, filled with holiday cheer, memorable moments. A startling moment occurred during the attendees singing of Christmas Carols. An attractive woman asked to sing solo, “Oh Holy Night”. A stunning voice, the prideful single woman, making herself seemingly available throughout the night, landed empty upon my plate. Beauty is not just in expertise and talent. Remarkably, a teenage girl, mentally impaired, a spectacle throughout the evening, placed herself at the center of the gathering, demanding to sing the same song by herself. It was embarrassing to watch the girl, twitching, rocking herself back and forth, determinedly asking to sing by herself. She demanded the man and woman commandeering the event to introduce her. The girl’s father spoke up, insisting she be introduced. By the glory of God, the mentally challenged girl rang out with an equally splendid rendition of ‘Oh Holy Night’. It was profound beauty. The silence and rapt attention was holy. Absolutely amazing, and even more pleasing to the heart was when the thunderous applause ended, the girl requested another round of applause for herself. Laughing, everyone obliged. I was invited to attend football watching party follow-up today. No. The leader is a higher-powered retired attorney, an extremely intelligent articulate man, a type of Socrates in his own right, gathering intellectual crowds, igniting debate and deep conversations. A Protestant convert to Catholicism, he is known for his Bible studies, ecumenical, populated by well-bred, educated, experienced Bible enthusiast. The studies leave me dry. Meaning and fellowship derived, outweighed by a sense of something being wrong. Too much pride, identity, and effort for my liking. I cannot imagine pursuing faith based upon reason, intellect, and debate. Sola Scriptura, for me, is an absolute negation of meaning. There is an intense emphasis on being intelligent, and many of the attendees of these Bible studies are extremely intelligent, surpassing my God given abilities. I live by the axiom that no matter how brilliantly conducted ways not embracing the fullness of the Church are engaged they are still lacking. A genius intellect cannot make errant ways correct. Regarding the social environment of the Christmas party, an incident demonstrates the mindset. One young man spoke with me. I stared marveling at his resemblance to another young man who socializes within this crowd. He informed me they were brothers. He remarked: “I am the dumb brother. My brother is the smart one.” I followed up with comments about that being an unhealthy way of looking at things. Why the self-deprecating and self-conscious attitude? Being smart is not a barometer of human worth. As much as I enjoyed the evening, too much socializing within that crowd nurtures self-seeking, self-consciousness, and pride. I find the consequences of interacting with this brainy crowd detrimental to my contemplative efforts. They drain my energy. To watch football with members of that crowd the following day, finishing the smorgasbord of quality food and desserts, would include conversation focused upon brilliance, and identity, rather than spiritual growth.

Moving my thoughts forward, this morning I attended another Latin mass. The experience the reason for my opening. It is a return after moving to the Cleveland area, my first five months strictly Novus Ordo. I find the Latin mass profound on many levels. Liturgically, the words possess a more profound punch. The congregation tends to provide a devout focused ambiance, lots of Catholic homeschoolers, children everywhere, women loyal to the words of St Paul in 1 Corinthians 11 sporting veils, men also paying respect, trending to wear hats which they remove in order to address God with respect. The crowd puts sincere effort into their worship. I was humbled by the presence of two young men in front of me expert in their Latin. I find the experience invigorating, assisting me in opening my brokenness to the sacrifice of the mass, a perfect place for hiding and advancing contemplative efforts. The water being added to the wine, I seek to honestly, openly, and willingly to offer myself through the Church to the Lord, offering unification with myself through the receiving of the Eucharist, splendidly done within the tradition of a kneeling rail. The beauty, mystery, tradition of the mass pays homage to a non-discursive approach to faith. I am convinced that identifying with a lack of intelligence, brokenness, and weakness are true attributes when discovering who I truly am in the eyes of God. The means are there for greater intellectual pursuit in the mastering of Latin, if not thorough understanding at least accomplished pronunciation. To learn and intimately interact in the Latin mass takes humility, work, and passion. As with all spiritual progress, an increasing in understanding, always introduces evil; temptation appears as pride emerges. The tendency to embrace an elitist attitude is too easy to assume when becoming a proponent of the Latin mass. Another place of hiding today was the wonderful Rosary before the Eucharist and Benediction with captivatingly voiced Poor Clares, a wonderful reposing always existing there.

I thought I had more to say. I will post some Old Testament scripture and a fictional quip.