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Our Lady of the Pines retreat

Sometimes God is quick to the call.  This morning amidst sunshine, my secret garden providing pleasure upon a walk, a call from Our Lady of Pines in Fremont, Ohio established a retreat for my off week following the celebration of a nation’s independence on July the 4th.  The conversation effused from surrounding ambiance, men thinning out neighboring trees–deconstructing a small forest, attention to individual trees fallen, a toddler following the example of his sister exploring spraying fountains of water wonder, dogs leashed and walking, children enjoying tennis lessons, and for me a religious sister edifying, informing me there was a week of spiritual direction scheduled for the week I inquired upon.  I love when within conversation words pour forth.  The task being the containing rather than the thinking.  She tells she is going to set-up a special dormitory room for me.  She promises I will love it.  The week of spiritual direction has been planned for some time, all sisters conducting the directing.  The week will be a focus upon individuals revealing God’s plans for them through silence, reflection, and counsel.  There seems to be a concentration upon feminine spirituality, although the sister says not to fear, recognizing a difference between men and woman pursuing faith.  We determined spiritual direction for me will be conducted upon exploration.  The idea of me exploring a private retreat amongst the conductors of the spiritual directing week concretized.  That week there is a priest conducting a private retreat.  She is going to speak to him about spending time with me.  Thy will be done.  I am excited.  Speculating, I anticipate a near dozen sisters with thirty-two retreatants.  Walking at Cain Park, excitement blossomed.  Hopefully sounding strange, an artist whose work I have been viewing online inspired a vision, a visualization, colorful flowers bursting forth in a river from my heart was the expression of joy I felt upon a week of spiritual concentration.  The writing, ‘Man Tower’, picked up this morning.  Possibly, properly, alignment allowing, serious work can be conducted during my week at Our Lady of the Pines.  Some images I provide, allowing imaginative touching upon the story, black and whites from Ingmar Bergman’s ‘The Seventh Seal’, a cherished movie in my realm of influences.  The photos of the traveling carnival family paying tribute to a vacationing Romanian family very dear and close to my heart.

seventh_seal1_rgbThe wonderful circus family, inspiration to Gabriel, Calin, and Lavinia. Acrobat Jof, holding his son, is a dreamer, a lover of life, a circus performer, a writer of songs and poems, a tumbler extraordinaire, a man who is so in love with the idea of visions he is continually making them up.  The only problem is when he finally does have a vision of Our Holy Mother, his wife only laughs, loving him even more for all the visions he details.  Acrobat Jof is not dismayed, only desiring to sing an unfinished song and enjoy his son.    seventh-seal-126The world-weary squire, Jons, demonstrating his humor and penetrating insight, comments upon one who turned out to be a corpse. Antonius Block, the Templar Knight, chess combatant to the grim reaper, sent his quick-witted squire to question a man seated upon the beach.  Encountering the seated one, the squire confronted a skeleton.
seventh-seal-517seventh-seal-122A wonderful medieval song and dance performance by Acrobat Jof and his wife Mia is interrupted in this video clip by a doomsday procession singing Dies Irea (coincidentally enough a poem credited to Thomas of Celano).  In the opening of ‘Man Tower’, the procession following the debauchery of the child bishop being marched through the streets of Assisi, an actual medieval tradition of drunken excess the church would eventually ban, is based upon the procession in Bergman’s film.  I wish there were subtitles for the fire and brimstone sermon–the fiery words point to the Black Plague as a curse from God for the wicked ways of man.  Repent NOW the message. I am intrigued by Bergman’s cinematic effect of having the end times spiritual marauders vanishing from the earth, their chanting continuing.

 

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The same prayer song twice

Let’s repeat words regarding prayer from St Jane Francis de Chantal, musing, applying to others as well: …full of faith that He is more in us than we are in ourselves… Is that saying if we quiet–soothing and healing emotional and psychological disturbances and complexities associated with identity, and remain in a state of grace, we will reveal God within prayer? I am one confident I need the sheltering of the Eucharist when making myself so vulnerable. I remember Franciscan Holy Hours, evenings especially for there were two, being blessed with extreme immersion in the sanctity of the Franciscan chapel. Absorption, losing one’s self, sensing Father David Mary seated above, a seemingly soaring, roaring eagle protecting. May we always remain under the mantle of the Queen of Heaven and the Church, abiding, obedient to priest and religious, calling upon the saints and angels, especially the defender St Michael. Let us not wander aimlessly where angels fear to tread. I advance never without the presence of the Eucharist.

Sacrifice of the Eucharist

Sacrifice of the Eucharist

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An Act of Abandonment

0 sovereign goodness of the sovereign Providence of my God!
I abandon myself forever to Thy arms.
Whether gentle or severe,
lead me henceforth whither Thou wilt;
I will not regard the way through which Thou wilt have me pass,
but keep my eyes fixed upon Thee,
my God, who guidest me.
My soul finds no rest without the arms
and the bosom of this heavenly Providence,
my true Mother, my strength and my rampart.
Therefore I resolve with Thy Divine assistance,
0 my Saviour,
to follow Thy desires and Thy ordinances,
without regarding or examining why Thou dost this rather than that;
but I will blindly follow Thee
according to Thy Divine will,
without seeking my own inclinations.
Hence I am determined to leave all to Thee,
taking no part therein save by keeping myself in peace in Thy arms,
desiring nothing except as Thou incitest me to desire,
to will, to wish.
I offer Thee this desire, 0 my God,
beseeching Thee to bless it;
I undertake all it includes,
relying on Thy goodness,
liberality, and mercy,
with entire confidence in Thee,
distrust of myself,
and knowledge of my infinite misery and infirmity.
Amen!

St Jane Frances de Chantal

Patience, perseverance, prayer, a plea for mercy, and a recognition of love, the presence of Divine subsistence.  Lord, You were there the whole time.  Ask, and it will be given you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.  Matthew 7:7

“We should go to prayer with deep humility and an awareness of our nothingness. We must invoke the help of the Holy Spirit and that of our good angel, and then remain still in God’s presence, full of faith that He is more in us than we are in ourselves.” –St Jane Frances de Chantal

St Jane Frances de Chantal

St Jane Frances de Chantal

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Psychological evaluation leading to contemplative fervor

Dr. Nichta visit, always an insightful day. We expanded upon the idea of personality types, the good and bad sides. I appreciate how he says a devoted gone bad is an overly dependent person. If not properly nurtured, utilized, or understood a devoted personality, one prone to loyalty, charity, and caregiving devolves into a dependent, demanding person. For myself he stressed a religiously oriented prayerful man becomes an alcoholic or a fearful man of seething anger and resentments. Thoughts for reflection, the other personality types and their associated disorder. It is not so important to define and limit, as if we are all one and nothing of the others. The subject is useful on the contemplative level in that any and all types of psychological understanding and healing produces greater clarity upon the contemplative level. A sound emotional, properly identifying, pleasant disposition man is a more effective prayerful man.

Style (tendency)      Disorder

Conscientious         Obsessive-Compulsive
Self-confident          Narcissistic
Vigilant                   Paranoid
Mercurial                 Borderline
Leisurely                 Passive-aggressive
Sensitive                Avoidant
Idiosyncratic           Schizotypal
Adventurous           Antisocial
Self-sacrificing        Self-defeating
Aggressive             Sadistic
Serious                  Depressive

We also explored the idea of other’s perceptions, stressing the importance of understanding that people are very insightful regarding comprehension of the truth about people and situations. If we are a prayerful, sincere man others see it. If the Holy Spirit fills us people recognize the matter, even if not properly identifying. I love the earlier scriptural quote on Saul and David. Saul becomes dependent upon the soothing effect of David’s music without clearly identifying it is the spirit he lacks that attracts him. His rebellion and abandoning of God produces a condition treatable for another man of God. Expanding beyond one lost and one filled, two people coming together attuned to the Holy Spirit produce even greater fruit. I wish others could witness Dr. Nichta and myself talking. Disregarding egotistical concerns or the idea that two men can accomplish what God cannot do on his own, it is the event of observing two men on fire with the Lord advancing one in the progress of understanding himself, an educated psychologically wise man of God supporting and nurturing another man of God growing in the Holy Spirit. God is truly good and providing.

Daily mass readings covering the Old Testament story of Tobit. I love the story. The idea of Raphael being the archangel of guidance I adore. Consumed with my devoted personality type, the idea of loving on a spiritual and natural level, I am moved by the experience of Tobiah and Sarah.

Tobiah arose from bed and said to his wife,“My love, get up. Let us pray and beg our Lord to have mercy on us and to grant us deliverance. She got up, and they started to pray and beg that deliverance might be theirs. And they began to say: “Blessed are you, O God of our fathers, praised be your name forever and ever. Let the heavens and all your creation praise you forever. You made Adam and you gave him his wife Eve to be his help and support; and from these two the human race descended. You said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone; let us make him a partner like himself.’ Now, Lord, you know that I take this wife of mine not because of lust, but for a noble purpose. Call down your mercy on me and on her, and allow us to live together to a happy old age.” They said together, “Amen, amen,” and went to bed for the night.

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Corpus Christi procession leaving the Basilica Santa Maria del Mar of Barcelona

Ramon_Casas_-_The_Corpus_Christi_Procession_Leaving_the_Church_of_Santa_Maria_del_Mar_-_Google_Art_ProjectTaking the Eucharist out to the public in turn of the century Barcelona, exiting the Basilica Santa Maria del Mar.  The oil painting done by Barcelona native Ramon Casas displays the splendor of a Corpus Christi procession.  My mother, born and raised in Zaragoza, family in Barcelona, tells of the wonder and magnitude of the Basilica, yet its quaint association with the common fishermen, dock labors, and seafaring men.  In 1936 the Basilica would be set on fire during the calamitous Spanish Civil War, a conflict of intense aggression against the Church.

I posted and realized, I am showing my fifty years. I assume turn-of-the-century means the eighteen hundreds on into the nineteen hundreds. The industrial revolution, Pope Leo XIII, Modern thought: Nietzsche, Marx, existentialist, and the theater of the absurd, the reinvigoration of faith through Our Lady of Lourdes and the declaring of Mary’s Immaculate Conception sprouting wondrous fruit, and the precursor to two horrible world wars. Now we have an even more modern turn of the century, the twentieth on into the twenty-first, future shock accelerating at such a rapid pace who dares foresee coming days. How can one not turn to the hope of Divine Intervention, beyond the splendor of an inspiring, warning, Marian apparition; all knowable and possible worldly solutions extinguished. May trust in the Lord be strong during trying and difficult days.

Let us take pleasure in the celebration of the coming Solemn Feast of Corpus Christ. I am grateful for a procession to partake in, a church becoming a home, a chance to be in community, sharing in the taking of the Eucharist to the streets of Cleveland.

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Benediction: Corpus Christi

To go beyond formality and tradition, to see the truth and essence of words, thoughts, conceptions, possibilities and the deepest penetrating realities, I find the words of the the Benediction hymns profound, worthy of continual contemplation.  Terms to consider: saving victim; immortal Godhead, one in three; native land; down in adoration falling; ancient forms departing; newer rites of grace prevailing; feeble senses fail; faith for all defects supplying; the Trinity beautifully unveiled.

O Saving Victim, opening wide
The gate of Heaven to man below:
Our foes press on from every side,
Thine aid supply, Thy strength bestow.
To Thy great Name be endless praise,
Immortal Godhead, One in Three:
Oh, grant us endless length of days
In our true native land with Thee. Amen.

All heavenly and saintly beings hail the Lord present upon the earth.

All heavenly and saintly beings hail the Lord present upon the earth.

Down in adoration falling,
Lo! the sacred Host we hail;
Lo! over ancient forms departing,
Newer rites of grace prevail;
Faith for all defects supplying
Where the feeble senses fail.
To the Everlasting Father,
And the Son Who reigns on high,
With the Spirit Blest proceeding
Forth from Each eternally,
Be salvation, honor, blessing,
Might and endless majesty. Amen.

Thou hast given them Bread from Heaven.
Containing in Itself all delight.

Let us pray (oremus)
O God, Who in this wonderful Sacrament
has left us a memorial of Thy passion,
grant, we implore Thee,
that we may so venerate the sacred mysteries of Thy Body and Blood
as always to be conscious of the fruit of Thy Redemption,
Thou Who livest and reignest forever and ever.
Amen

Old Testament prefiguring.   The Mercy Seat, the Monstrance.

Old Testament prefiguring. The Mercy Seat, the Monstrance.

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Recovery reflection

Reflective day. I want to sort through my thoughts by writing them down. I was supposed to move today, yet I just simply did not have the physical or emotional energy. Work has been difficult the past week, hot and physically demanding—long hours and hard dirty work. I was exhausted punching out today. Adhering to routine, I headed for downtown: immediately to the Eucharist for adoration, then mass, and exploring Cleveland streets. During adoration, with no serious sadness, I erupted in tears before the Eucharist, crying whole hearted, contemplatively and cleansing. One of the Poor Clares was moving about as a ghost, passing between the order’s cloistered pews and into what I speculate is a private chapel for communal prayer. Father Roger, one of the extern sisters, along with a gentleman blossoming into a friend were speaking softly as I entered. All eyes cast my way. I said nothing. They said nothing. I nodded my head. Sister Clare Marie waved and Father Roger smiled. I commenced into prayer. I am not sure how and when, yet they all departed, leaving me alone with the Eucharist and one of the sisters stealthily moving about. The Poor Clares home has become my home, peace comes, and yet today so did strong tears. I am not sure if Dennis took note, yet after some time he came out casually making his way to me. Conversation with him is strenuous, awkward, due to his speech impediment. I know he finds it uncomfortable to speak, preferring silence. He wanted to discuss the offer I made to supply food for the after Sunday mass gathering, outlining possibilities, asking me not to bring anything this week as they had plenty, and the fact Father Sam had a birthday celebration the twenty-fourth. His suggestion was that would be a good day for something special. Earlier in the week, Sister Clare Marie touched me by the fact she has no knowledge of Brie cheese. Being from India, she never tried, nor even heard of the cheese. I want her to try the cheese with respect to its monastic origins, and association with the court of King Charlemagne. I am positive a well arraigned serving tray centered round French bread, brie cheese, assorted vegetables: English cucumbers, sliced avocadoes, red bell peppers, mini-carrots, and green onions; along with a quality pasta and potato salad would be proper and light fare for the fifteen or so people who gather, possibly more for Father Sam’s birthday. The conversation soothed my melancholy as the sisters launched into their mid-afternoon prayers behind sanctuary walls. On into mass at the cathedral, where something of note should be registered. During mass, melancholy returned. During the extending of peace, a stout teenage girl turned to shake my hand. Her family all turned to greet me, however once she faced me the twelve years old’s bright spirit and strong, serious, genuine square face caught me off guard. Rosy cheeked, she beamed, radiating sheer joy and enthusiasm, absolute beauty and innocence. Uncontrollably, yet subtly, I broke into tears, casting my eyes downward. Embarrassed, doing everything to avoid dramatics, knowing what was happening was authentic, I continued on, and gracefully everything surrounding advanced appropriately for me to gather myself and remain hidden. Moving on to Cleveland streets, the flocking crowd held nothing for me today. There were no clever words for the Romanian waitress working at the Vietnamese restaurant. I departed downtown quickly, heading for the suburbs and Mother’s Day shopping. Staying only two months at my latest residence, it is more difficult to leave than I anticipated. I know I am doing the right thing. Confidence and proper discretion guide, yet there are so many changes occurring. Turning the focus to recovery–recognizing a year of sobriety approaches, arriving in June—an integral part of the changes involves being asked to give a lead at a special monthly AA meeting, Calix, in July, the month of my birthday. Overall, the role of AA in my life is being examined. I have determined I will turn the offer to tell my story down. I will not share my experience, strength, and hope. I spoke with my therapist/spiritual director yesterday, and realized I should have discussed the matter with him. I will before officially negating the request. It is an honor to lead the meeting. I am surprised they asked, yet I am not comfortable with the spiritual aspects. I did discuss with my therapist the fact I will be curtailing my activities with AA. There are many reasons and it is well thought out. Everything written before points to this. I have been intimately involved with AA for over ten years, and I am, confident in comprehending, embracing, and admiring AA’s message. I will also make the statement, and I made it to my therapist who closely examined and questioned my words, that a concrete awareness has centered in my being that I will never drink again. I will never take another drink of alcohol. I cannot. It is a vow I extend to Christ, pleading with the Holy Spirit to guide, bowing to God the Father in silence, knowing under all circumstances Mary watches over me, guiding and instructing my guardian angel. The reality grows more acute daily. There is no need for justification, criticism, announcements, proclamations, or over-explanations. A huge part of the changes in my life will be breaking from the group of people I have worked with four times a week for well over six months. It is a wonderful locale, in the quaint small town of Olmsted Falls. This evening I even walked around the historic railroad depot, shopping, ice cream, and riverside park. Pleasant and quiet time of walking prayer. With thorough gratitude, it is time to move forward. I am conformable with my changing involvement in AA, discerning proper signs, lacking definitude.  Yet I also felt the need to postpone the move for a week. I will board with a gentleman, and his future son-in-law, involved in the program for decades, intelligent and interesting, having giving up the insurance business in order to return to his call as a Presbyterian minister, employed with a local hospice. I will allow the Holy Spirit to guide regarding my new role in AA. My housing host supports me, also providing respectful space, while declaring that my living there is predicated upon absolute abstinence. I know exactly what I seek from AA: fellowship, a clear unadulterated message, and vivid reminders of the devastation alcohol plays in the lives of those unable to successfully imbibe. AA is practical, touching on the spiritual and psychological, while remaining distant from personal spiritual guidance. Friends are essential. My weekly basketball games are huge, vital to my sanity. My prayers are filled with hope for an expanding social life. Acquiescing to divine will, I allow patience to shape my coming days. I post the first reading from Sunday, the sixth Sunday of Easter. The words from Acts chapter 10 correlate to a discussion with a friend before the Eucharist at St Paul’s:

Then Peter (first Pope) proceeded to speak and said, “In truth, I see that God shows no partiality. Rather, in every nation whoever fears him and acts uprightly is acceptable to him.” While Peter was still speaking these things, the Holy Spirit fell upon all who were listening to the word. The circumcised believers who had accompanied Peter were astounded that the gift of the Holy Spirit should have been poured out on the Gentiles also, for they could hear them speaking in tongues and glorifying God. Then Peter responded, “Can anyone withhold the water for baptizing these people, who have received the Holy Spirit even as we have?” He ordered them to be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ.

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