Looking in the mirror and seeing Christ

“Now knowledge of self must be seasoned with knowledge of Me (God), lest it bring the soul to confusion. For self-knowledge would cause the soul to hate its own sensitive pleasure and the delight of its own consolations. But from this hatred, founded in humility, it will draw patience. With patience it will become strong against the attacks of the devil, against the persecutions of man, and towards me, when, for its good, I withdraw delight from its mind. –Catherine of Siena ‘Little Talks With God’

I admire the distinguishing of the two levels of self-knowledge detailed in ‘The Book of Privy Counseling’. The utilitarian salvific level is the recognition of one’s sinful nature. I am a creature drawn toward pleasures and tendencies that will destroy eternally. Original sin is a fact of my birth. Compounding original sin is my upbringing in a world immersed within sin and worldly delights. Many things I want and desire I must reject. My thoughts must be kept holy, disciplined and focused through the sacraments, prayer, and the living of a healthy joyful life. Grace builds upon nature. I must seek that which is good for the devil is a roaring lion seeking to devour souls. Daily, moment by moment, a conscious effort must be made through the awareness of my sinful nature to live a holy life. I know and accept my limitations. I am at peace with my imperfections and weaknesses. Delusion, imagination, fantasies, false aspirations are acknowledged as childish, a lesser way. I live in a world of Christian reality. Yet the contemplative level of self-knowledge magnifies the awareness of myself, transcends myself, when my heart and being goes out to the Lord in silence and stillness. Strengthening myself daily through Eucharistic adoration, simply being with Christ, asking him day to day who are You? And who am I?–As Pope Francis says when I allow the gaze of Christ to rest upon me daily, a greater self-knowledge is nurtured. My self-knowledge is now founded NOT upon my frailties, misdeeds, and failures. It is not founded upon reason and rationalizing. Mentally and vocally, I do not identify myself as nothing more than a sinner, or an alcoholic. That is the yearning of Satan. The passionate evil one relishes in sin to the highest and most destructive degree. Satan lustfully desires that I become so absorbed in sin, so miserable in self-hate, that all I can focus upon is myself. The Divine Mercy of God is the ultimate disgust and affront to the hater of man. The compassionate tender heart of Jesus to sacrifice himself for man is beyond Satan’s reality. Advancing upon the contemplative path, my self-knowledge humbly builds upon the magnificence of a loving and merciful God, an unknowable omnipotent creator effusing a love so intense I can only quiet and glorify with, through, and in His mercy and love. In the process, as St Francis de Sales so strongly urges, I develop the virtue of patience–patience with myself, learning to love and accept myself I am not a mistake. God loves me.

Aug052015

A return to the Ascent

Natural knowledge in the memory consists in all the kinds of knowledge that the memory can form concerning the objects of the physical senses—hearing, sight, smell, taste, and touch. The soul must empty itself of all these forms of knowledge and strive to lose their imaginary achievements, so that there may be left in it no impression of knowledge or the trace of anything at all. Rather, the soul must remain barren, as if those forms had never passed through it, and in total forgetfulness and suspension.

This cannot happen unless the memory is reduced to nothing in all its forms in order to be united with God. It cannot happen except by a total separation from everything that is not God. God does not come under any definite form or kind of knowledge in dealing with the night of the understanding. Christ says: No one can serve two masters. So the memory cannot be united both with God and with knowledge. Since God has no form or image that can be comprehended by the memory, then when the memory is united with God it remains without form. Divine union empties its imagination, sweeps it clean of all forms of knowledge, and raises it to the supernatural.

…..

The operations of the soul in divine union are from the Holy Spirit; the actions of such souls are only those that are seemly and reasonable. God’s Spirit teaches them what they ought to know and causes them to be ignorant of what they ought not to know, to remember what they have to remember, and to forget what they should forget. It makes them love what they have to love, and not to love what does not pertain to God…. This spiritual person needs habitually to practice caution: Everything that he hears, sees, smells, tastes, or touches, he must be careful not to store up or collect in his memory, but he must allow himself to forget them immediately.

…..

The first evil (through memory) and, which comes from the world, consists in the souls subjection, through knowledge and reflection, too many kinds of harm, such as falsehoods, imperfections, desires, opinions, loss of time, and many other things that breed impurity in the soul…..The soul is free from all these things if the memory enters into darkness with respect to every kind of reflection and knowledge.

Imperfections meet the soul at every stop if it sets the memory on what it has heard, seen, touched, smelled, and tasted. If it does, some sort of feeling has to cling to it, whether pain, fear, hatred, vain hope, or vain enjoyment…..Many occasions of judging others will also come, since in using its memory, the soul cannot fail to discover the good and the bad in others….. There is no one who can completely free himself from all these kinds of evil, except by blinding the memory and leading it into darkness with regard to all these things.

Let the soul, then, remain “enclosed,” without anxieties and troubles; and the One who entered in physical form to his disciples when the doors were shut and gave them peace, though they neither thought that this was possible nor knew how it was possible, will venture spiritually into the soul without its knowing how he does so, when the doors of its faculties—memory, understanding, and will—are enclosed against all things. He will fill them with peace coming down on the soul, as the prophet says, like a river, taking it from all the misgivings, suspicions, disturbances, and darkness that caused it to fear that it was lost or was or was on the way to being so. Let it not grow careless about prayer, and let it wait in detachment from the world and in emptiness, for its blessings will not be long in coming.

–St John of the Cross ‘Ascent of Mount Carmel’ presented by Henry L. Carrigan Jr.

St John of the Cross Adoring

Jul302015

Constructing a home

I am positive I am being tested right now. Detachment the only thing demanded. Within letting go, a lack of victory exist. Where I know I am right, without a doubt possessing penetrating insight, within the brutal honesty of knowing myself, I am positive in my discernment that God desires not useless efforts of battling immaturity. As Teresa of Avila stresses the importance of moving past interior rooms, as Christ was passing through this world to something greater—the sacrificing of Himself for the salvation of mankind, the defeating and destroying of the things we pass beyond is not necessary. To continue to allow immaturity a foothold upon my consciousness halts growth. It is not easy when one has been deeply attached. No one ever said it would be easy. The hidden nature, or if grace is even greater a pitiful image, is the outer expression appeasing interior growth. Exterior victories mean nothing. Superficial smiling, portraying arrogance, or extreme self-confidence means nothing for those truly maturing. A concern for others extends only through charity. Self-consciousness demonstrates immaturity. I am willing to look awkward and foolish for there is something deeper being concentrated upon. Confidence amasses with interior graces received. God is answering, encouraging, and providing. I am startled when I reflect upon my birthday awareness that concupiscence was absolved. I thought it would be a battle to the death. Within the awareness, I comprehend the emptiness actually subtly came into being, occurring over months. Lust was removed. I am humble in reception, recognizing the awesomeness of God. He is supporting my efforts. He wants something from me. Patience as Father Roger stressed, and also a vital message of St Francis de Sales—a mature voice that washes over me. Words of guidance are being presented. This morning I saw the St. Alphonsus Rodriquez volume of Christian Perfection and knew to pick it up and read. Aside from the message quoted in the earlier post–the entire section spoke to my current dilemma, the Spanish spiritual director pontificated upon humility in a purgative sense. I am at work right now, without the text, so I will paraphrase. He spoke of humility in a purging manner, the building of a home, the prebuilding and the laying of a foundation. Christ is the cornerstone, the illumination of an emptied soul. However before a cornerstone can be properly set a solid foundation must be established. Soft sand, quicksand, unstable ground must be removed. Never should we arrogantly believe we are so advanced we must not thoroughly examine our foundation. Time and weather, extreme temperatures, erode and alter a foundation. Humility is the tool for maintenance and excavating, the ridding of attributes that will not allow the cornerstone of Christ to stand and support expansion. Upon a soft, tenuous or damaged foundation the cornerstone of Christ will not be enough. Humility emptying, allowing self-knowledge—the realizing of deficiencies, fortitude established, the most difficult of interior battles waged, prayer a daily way of life, the Eucharist adored, the cornerstone of Christ can be built upon in the construction and maintenance of a stable home. Stability and strength, the ability to weather storms and natural disasters, the essential nature of the home. Beautifying, a deeper calling into the mystical, is all of God’s doing. I must be extremely grateful, satisfied, to shelter within a simple stout small home. It is enough.

Taken from Eastern Thought there is a poem from the Tao Te Ching, verse twenty, that always ruminates throughout my being. The first time I read it as a very young man, I knew it piercingly defined my life, my spiritual path. It is beautiful, wisdom portrayed.

Give up learning, and put an end to your troubles.

Is there a difference between yes and no?
Is there a difference between good and evil?
Must I fear what others fear? What nonsence!
Other people are contented, enjoying the sacrificial feast of the ox.
In spring some go to the park, and climb the terrace,
But I alone am drifting not knowing where I am.
Like a new-born babe before it learns to smile,
I am alone, without a place to go.

Others have more than they need, but I alone have nothing.
I am a fool. Oh, yes! I am confused.
Other men are clear and bright,
But I alone am dim and weak.
Other men are sharp and clever,
But I alone am dull and stupid.
Oh, I drift like the waves of the sea.
Without direction, like the restless wind.

Everyone else is busy,
But I alone am aimless and depressed.
I am different.
I am nourished by the great mother.

Jul292015

Divine Will

The mind a creature is, yet can create,
To nature’s patterns adding higher skill ;
Of finest works with better could the state
If force of wit had equal power of will.
Device of man in working hath no end,
What thought can think, another thought can mend.
–St Robert Southwell

Made in the image and likeness of God, man has the ability to create, to enhance the wonders of creation. Man can create beauty. In my story clip introducing the scriptural Bleeding Woman, Naomi is given a small home. The home represents her life, disordered, disheveled, and in the process of decay. Possessing the ability to create, undergoing a process of purgation, she brings her gifted home to a state of beauty. The home attains utilitarian and ascetic appeal. Relishing within her accomplishment, Naomi observes the sea. Ruminating upon the words of her friend regarding the new teacher and healer, a process of illumination is experienced, a voice internalizing. She is being prepared to meet Christ, to touch the hem of His garment amidst the thronging masses.

Within man’s ability to create exist the birth of evil. Relying upon free will man introduces perversion. Perversion being that which is not aligned with God, a wandering away from all that is good, the exercising of free will. Pope Francis writes in his encyclical Laudato Si’: “Once we lose our humility, and become enthralled with the possibility of limitless mastery over everything, we inevitably end up harming society and the environment. It is not easy to promote this kind of healthy humility or happy sobriety when we consider ourselves autonomous, when we exclude God from our lives or replace him with our own ego, and think that our subjective feelings can define what is right and what is wrong.”

The subtleties of losing the ability to discern God’s Will is truly the challenge. A nonbeliever confronts nearly impossible chances of creating consequences that in totality will bring about goodness. An extreme example would be Marx or Hitler, who in their hearts were convinced their ways were for the good of the world, yet in truth their diabolic scheming introduced horrendous consequences, intense suffering, acute miseries. On a smaller more intimate level, the deviations of being unable to coalesce with Divine Intent, an inability to comprehend who we truly are, we hurt each other. Within families, blood relationships of love, we hurt and wound one another. Children are devastatingly damaged by their parents. Parents, loving their children immensely, inflict severe psychological damage. In friendships based upon faith, we hurt and wound one another. In attempts at romantic relationships, we hurt and wound one another. In community activities, we hurt and wound one another. I cannot identify the fact as evil, while recognizing the consequences as distressing. Imperfect beings, broken, needing, trying to bring happiness about, self-protecting and fearful, we operate through that which is easiest and that is our schemes and manipulations. I think of a drowning man within a rough and tossing sea attempting to grasp a life preserver. Anymore for me, it seems all the saints writings end up focusing upon unifying with the Will of God, learning to interact with the world through the love of God.

Creation feeding upon an enhancement of man

Jul202015

Freedom into obedient openness

St Francis de Sales on aligning with Divine Will, in respect to the freedom sweetly offered through the following of Christ, the opening of the heart of a Catholic man or woman to the necessary flexibility to unify with God’s will. Rigidity, hardheadedness, or haphazard, flighty, efforts will not suffice. The quotes moves forward from the freedom the previous St Francis de Sales quote established.

This freedom (of the Children of God) has two opposite vices: instability and constraint or, in the extreme dissoluteness and slavishness. Instability is a kind of excessive freedom which makes us want to change our practices or our state in life for no good reason or without knowing if to do so is God’s will. The least pretext is enough to make us change a practice, a plan, a rule; for the filmiest excuse we give up a rule or a good custom; it becomes like an orchard open on all sides, where the fruit is not for the owner but for all who pass.

Am I really pursuing God to satisfy my whims and boredom in life? Do I use faith to suit my fickle interests and desires? In truth, am I really doing whatever I want, doing everything to suit me?

Constraint or slavishness is a certain lack of freedom that causes the soul to be unduly anxious or angry when it cannot carry out what it had intended to do, even though it could now do something better.

My daily spiritual exercise is the attendance of mass and Eucharistic adoration at St Paul’s. It is a demand, yet flexibility exist. If I break my leg. I must tend to my broken leg, missing mass and adoration without anxiety. I may feel sorrow, yet not stress out about the matter. If my work schedules me for first shift, I am obedient to work, again missing mass with no consternation, altering plans to attend an evening mass. Doing something better is a more difficult discernment. I place a session with Dr. Nichta in that category, again altering plans so an earlier mass obliges. I would also consider involvement with the Blessed Sacrament Congregation, or such properly discerned efforts within the Church.

St Francis de Sales elaborates.

First of all, I must point out two rules which must be observed if we are not to fail in this matter. First, we should never neglect our exercises and the common norms of virtue unless to do so appears to be God’s will. Now the will of God is indicated in two ways: through necessity or charity.

Necessity is obvious. The broken leg a suitable example. Charity needs consideration.

…when we use our freedom for charity’s sake it must be without scandal or injustice. Example: I am certain I could be more useful somewhere far from my diocese. I must not use my freedom to follow through with this, for I would give scandal and act unjustly since my obligation is here. Therefore, it’s a false use of freedom for married women to absent themselves from their husbands without a legitimate reason, under pretext of devotion or charity. Our freedom must never take us away from our vocation. On the contrary, it should make us content each with our own calling, knowing that it is God’s will that we remain in it.

This example I cherish as sublime. Meditate upon it.

…now I want to show you a “sun” that shines more brilliantly than any of these: a really open, detached spirit who holds on to the will of God alone. I’ve often wondered who was the most mortified of all the saints…after much reflection, I decided it was St John the Baptist. He went into the desert at the age of five, and was aware that our Savior was born in a place very close by, maybe two or three days’ journey away. God only knows how much his heart, which had been moved to love his Savior from the time he was still in his mother’s womb, would have wanted to enjoy the Lord’s sweet presence! Yet, he spent twenty-five years in the desert, without once coming to see Him; then leaving the desert, he went about catechizing without going to visit the Lord, but waited for the Lord to come to him. Afterward, having baptized Him, he didn’t follow him but stayed behind to do his appointed work. What mortification! To be so close to his Savior and not to see Him! To have Him so near and not to enjoy His presence! (Not to be recognized as an apostle!) Isn’t this having one’s spirit completely detached, bound to nothing, not even to God, in order to do His will and serve Him; to leave God for God, and to not love God so as to love Him better? –St Francis de Sales

St Francis de Sales

Jul172015

Friday exhaustion centering upon maturity

Turnaround shift, second to first, sleeping past midnight up by five, I am exhausted. Drove through rush hour traffic to get across town to join the Mercedarains in prayer and early evening mass. Enjoying Cleveland Heights, yet I still have days when city driving severely drains me. It was nice to hear Father Justin say mass, to receive communion from him. It seems there are a couple new Mercedarain novices. May God bless the order so that it flourishes with men of the quality of Father Richard and Father Justin. August 1^st will be my next event with the Congregation of the Blessed Sacrament, although I am tentatively planning a Sunday vigil mass at St Paschal Baylon tomorrow. The next couple weeks will be dedicated to physical conditioning, energy preservation. I am in the fifth day of a Master Cleanse fast, feeling clearheaded and clean, resting internal organs, while cleansing and flushing. I have spoken with a woman in Cleveland Heights, certified and impressive in credentials who provides colon hydrotherapy. If you visit her site notice the extensive history of the practice. It was common in 17^th century Parisian communities. Origins dating back to the Egyptians. On the natural level, detoxing my body, cleansing thoroughly, increasing physical activity, is aimed at supplying greater energy. Everything focuses upon greater efficacy in prayer. All is done for maximizing energy in the pursuit of God. An increase in energy to sit still in optimum clarity.

Maturity is a theme prominent in my spiritual focus right now. Espousing, defining through an expressive endeavor, the idea of fullness intertwines with maturity. Enlightenment comes through the idea of the Church possessing the fullness of truth. Other ways of thinking are not wrong. The Church simply offers the fullness of truth. Within there is a vital concept. My week with the Sisters of Mercy deepened my faith on so many levels. It is important to understand I have approached life with a harsh conservative political and religious viewpoint. Even in silence, I was opinionated and brash, arrogant in attack,a compare and contrast mentality–ways that can only impede the receiving and giving of Godly love. A priest, essential to my formation, one I abode with, rallied against the Sister of Mercy in argument, becoming agitated and animated in denouncing their ways. The fact the sisters would bend to the whims of popular culture, blowing with the wind of an intellectual cultural rebellion occurring in the 70s by abandoning their habits was unacceptable. I am pleased with the insight God applied to my faith. I marvel at the fact I so naturally, simply, humbly, and sincerely enjoyed a wonderful retreat with the Sisters of Mercy.

When I approached Sister regarding political matters, church related or secular, she stressed her conviction of advancing beyond a dualistic state of mind. She did not want to engage in details. The idea that confrontation must be pursued in regards to varying approaches of faith and life was a mindset I had to detach from. It is not that it is an evil mindset rather it hinders maturity. I want to be holy not right. Listening to Pope Francis’s book ‘The Church of Mercy’ he presents the idea of an open church, stressing the stagnancy of a closed church. It reminds me of commentary I heard on the mass ad orientem, traditional Latin mass conducted with the priest facing the Eucharist. The idea was offered that in the Novus Ordo mass, the modern mass, versus popullum—priest facing the congregation, a closed circuit is created. Closed conditions in regards to the priest and congregation talking to one another. The focus of the priest is upon the people. The focus of the people is upon the priest. In the traditional, Tridentine Mass, the Most Holy Sacrifice of the Mass everyone is opened to the Eucharist. Everyone is facing, and all attention, is upon the Eucharist. The priest is a leader. A Shepherd guiding the flock to the True Shepherd embodied within the Eucharist.

Pope Francis elaborated upon the idea of closing of faith by becoming focused upon one another, and socializing only with those we agree with, befriending only those who bolster our opinions and pride. Interacting with others based upon sweet consolations. As profound as the Tridentine Mass is it must be kept in mind that within all mysteries there is irony. I am convinced you can also find the closing off of the church amidst such a solemn celebration. Elitism arises, a congregation isolating themselves, needing to think of themselves as superior, talking only amongst themselves, if they are even speaking to one another. Within a mass that in theory opens the faith, there must also be recognized the tendency for the closing off the faith. Scrupulosity is a vice hungry to devour those seeking to devout their lives to spiritual enrichment. Once again, Sister’s idea of embracing a lack of duplicity is important. Maturity, the fullness of faith is my aim. A person dedicating their life to a concentration upon faith is not becoming superior. They are not elevating themselves. Rather they are coming into the fullness of being authentically human with, though, and in Christ. The Church is so kind and generous in offering us the saints as examples of lives lived in fullness. I was stunned to come across words of St Jane Frances de Chantal mimicking almost identically the words of Henry Suso. A moment of honesty. I am exhausted, struggling to find the quote. Basically, filled with the Holy Spirit, she states in accord with Blessed Henry: We must be willingly to cease loving God in order to love him greater. We must not force our ways onto God, attempting to snare him into our conception of love. We must passively allow God to act upon us, to fill us with a greater love beyond our knowing. Anyway, here are other words of St Jane de Chantal, ones that interposed themselves upon my attention.

What God, in His goodness, asks of you is not this excessive zeal which has reduced you to your present condition, but calm, peaceful uselessness, a resting near Him with no special attention or action of the understanding or will except a few words of love, or of faithful, simple surrender, spoken softly, effortlessly, without the least desire to find consolation or satisfaction in them.

Jul102015

Dona nobis pacem Domine

Broke the retreat, driving to Temperance, Michigan to attend a mass of intention for my deceased father. The mass was held at Our Lady of Mount Carmel church, over sixty people in attendance, a sublime Rosary and Divine Mercy before mass. A half dozen young mothers with a plenitude of children, I speculate a home schooling group, amongst the gathered. The mass accented my retreat orantly. Severe traffic congestion at the junction of the turnpike and interstates two-eighty caused for an unexpected delay, frustration avoided through established disposition, back roads endeavored. I longed for the retreat, grateful to return after brunch with family and friends. Driving apprehension emerged as I realized the retreat would be ending Sunday. I refused the negativity, seizing the moment. I thought of yesterday’s fond reflection upon my days with Father David Mary, the religious life, set apart in contemplation, visits and stays at Trappist monasteries. The life appeals. This week has been splendid. I recall a friend from Toledo who could not understand what I would do during my monastic sojourns–also people during the tour of the Benedictine monastery, St Andrews, imploring what the brothers did with all their time. I know what they do, and I am jealous. Thinking of the matter, a simple hackneyed poem came to mind.

Satisfied, I will sit still.
Watching pine trees grow in the wind,
Smelling the pungent sweet scent of pine needles.
The dampness touching all things.
Feeling the sun warming my face.
Hearing song sparrows nervously whistle.
A crow aggressively cawing.
Squirrels wrestling and scattering.
Silence within.
Tasting my aging breath.
It is not a declaration.
It is not a concept.
It is not an assertion.
It is not a poetic expression.
It is a conscious act of formation.
A being with God.

To sit aware, opening the senses, is enough. It is the path less traveled, a path of one who is awake, knowing who he is and who God is. I am convinced I could become whole–full within the Trinity, the Church, and Mary–a life of prayer and refining awareness, settling on into death within such a life. All other appetites and affections have been properly silenced. Marriage appeals, yet I embrace this retreat, unwilling and unable to make definitive decisions or discern drastic changes regarding the future. A conviction is affirmed. The pursuit of faith, immersion within prayer, is my solace. There is no place to go. There is no place else I would rather be. I also received a foot and calf massage. A quality amiable massage therapist visiting today. That was nice.

That is it. No more to say or quote.

Our Lady of the Pines Lourdes grotto

Catholic Contemplative Life

A journey of recovery within Christ and His Church

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