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Proper Kneeling
Man Tower witnesses the baptism of St Francis before setting out for the old man of the mountain
There was another also witnessing. Alberto saw Pietro making his way to the stables as he exited in the morning. Rarely sleeping, up before others, falling asleep after others, Man Tower dominated through perception and awareness. Something about the merchant bothered him greatly. The man schemed. He intended espionage through his squire. Never would Man Tower have kissed his very footprint, giving thanks to God for the existence of anything close to resembling the merchant represented. Certain men reviled him. Convinced he possessed no choice in the matter, he deployed to counter attacks, preparing for the demise of those who acutely agitated. When the merchant emerged from the stables with Ricco, he followed. Trusting his squire, he had to know what the wily shop owner was up to, such a man did nothing without motive for profit.
It was not long before Pietro was escorting Ricco into the cathedral of St Rufino. Man Tower stood outside unobservantly observing, before following into the interior. In the stealth manner he was able to attain despite his size, Alberto snuck into the cathedral, witnessing the baptism himself. It was innocent enough. He perceived the intent of the textile merchant. The shop owner was attempting to gain his favor through Ricco. Alberto trusted Ricco, fearing nothing the crafty shop owner, usual with unclean spirits, could conceive.
About to stealthy depart, the crying of the baptized baby drew Alberto’s attention. The thought struck he never witnessed a baptism before. He observed the baby as he was handed to his godparents. An iridescent aura radiated. The strangeness of ordinary things that occurred upon the unordinary battlefield struck the moment. Details became acutely apparent, time transparent to unfathomable profoundness, meanings manifested that could not be obviously stated, nor appropriately comprehended. The baby’s eyes turned toward him, closing the distance between them, a vertiginous moment soothing. Alberto found it difficult to stand, to hold his place upon his feet. Strange, foreign interior words came forth evil spirit come out of her.
Alberto, always preparing for an attack, constantly entertaining conflict, felt the need to raise defenses. Something unseen confronted. What was happening during the baptizing of the merchant’s son? Everything; perception, reality, thought, physicality, all seemed to be an illusion pointing to something greater, to almighty God, yet there was no comfort, only collusion. Unknowable knowledge became apparent. God knew this baby, through the works of all things. The palpable indefinite conviction announced eternal salvation, something set apart becoming a part. The intuition blanketed his mind, covering mental sores and wounds of the mind, smothering. Acquiescing, he settled into admiration of the beautiful baby who would become the man of God, like a grandparent admiring their first grandchild; the acceptance of aging through the exquisiteness of infancy, polar opposites uniting in authentic conception; the descent of the Holy Spirit upon the needing—to be set free and to be with Christ. He prayed for his mother, wishing she could see this baby. People, that are in the world, gathering around the baby, blocked Alberto’s vision, eliminating the moment of sublime revelation.
Making the sign of the cross with holy water, reminding him of a washing, somewhat slightly dazed, Alberto exited the cathedral. The face of the baby, its aura, etched in his mind; the eyes and perpetual smile lasting. In the clefts of the rock, in the hollow of the wall, his eyes unfocused, wandered past.
Emptied of himself, walking through Assisi, Man Tower, reposing back into demented knightly persona, sought Lord Montaninus, his former comrade in arms, hand in hand, with Barbarossa. Montaninus made arraignments to meet at a tavern near Minerva’s Temple. Alberto was to eat at the tavern. The cost would be of no concern. What was of the Lord? Following the meal, he would be led to the back of the establishment where Montaninus would be waiting. They would then venture to a castle hidden amongst the wilderness of Mount Subasio, a castle hosting an aged nobleman whispered to be insane, as well as a mystic, the word of God upon his lips, a man of worldly and spiritual extraordinariness.
An unseen female voice spoke from a table in close proximity. “That old man gives me the creeps. I don’t care what you say I am convinced he is a pervert.”
“It does not matter what he is. What has been wrong with you? For weeks now you have proven impossible, snapping at everything. The old noble provides means we could never attain. Trusting to the mercy of the almighty. You are so quick to grow angry in time of need. I worry about you. Look deeper. The old one truly asks very little of us. We know worse debauchery for less pay—only the younger ones are handsomer and hearty, yet that does not seem to bother you as much as the old one who never asks for deplorable things. Though he began to speak, you should not despise him.”
“Maybe he gives wealth, providing jewelry and gold as easy as others give promises, however we pay through the debasing we endure acquiescing to his, to his…I am not even sure what it is the old man burdens us with. Unspoken demands—that is what he procures. I cannot figure the old one out.”
“You feel him to be a burden. Those who were touched in their hearts, amazed with his deeds, tell of his goodness.”
“Yes. He is insane. How often he resorts to a juvenile nature. I cannot stand looking at his decrepit face. Determination, I cannot maintain. Sometimes, the way he speaks to us, as if we were children just learning to walk, makes me desire to scratch his eyes out. His patronizing is so demeaning. And you fall into the childish talk he so enjoys, speaking to one another as if you were children. I have to force my mind into other places, fearing his insanity will infiltrate my mind. Tainted are his ways. He must know I hate him.”
“Why would you hate him? Over the saints household, he perseveres. I feel sorry for him for being so gullible, a son…an only child to its mother. A story here, emotion espoused, a tear, and the old fool is opening his coffers. It is too easy sleeping in the lap. I even find it fun, like playing a part in the theater. There is no reason to hate him. Seriously sweetie, you just have not been yourself for some time now. The new planting of a fresh attitude you must embrace.”
“I guess…I do not know…it is too easy. I feel my soul is at stake in unknown ways. For this very reason alone, everything is wrong. One day, he will discharge his guards upon us. His chosen vineyard protected. Then we will know death and maybe he will have arraigned everything so our souls are sucked down into the depths of hell. They will say about us their efforts came to naught. We will lose our heads and suffer eternally. It is so creepy to be blindfolded en route to provide for their needs. Still, I hate it even more when he visits the city, sent down to the earth.”
“You worry too much. Please him. Open his heart to the experience of a daughter, be joined to the soul. That is all he wants from us, the pleasure to love a child, his own child. Rejoice greatly, falling at his feet. His sons are dead, the father of the poor. He has no one, for empty glory. He provides so well. A gift horse must not be examined too closely. A curse, he is not. To masquerade as a daughter is not such a horrid thing. The father of the poor, let him be. Christ made himself poor for us in this world. Let us not suffer a similar fate. We have done far worse than the old man. Heartbreaking stories, lies of sorrow, dreams unrequited, tears of tribulations; that is all we must provide in order for the sweet old one to open his treasure chest. He loves to preach the word of the Lord. Allow him his liberties.”
“I catch him, the appointed minister of a faith I hold not deeply in my heart, looking at me as no proper father observes a daughter. Do not make him out to be so innocent. Every time we call, his leering grows. I expect soon, I will have to sleep with him.”
“Again, the nasty attitude, I have slept with him. It is only sleep he demands and touched with sorrow in his heart, he dreams.”
“He does not touch you? I should have known. The old fool is impotent.”
“I do not care, or know. He holds me, meek and humble. That I do know. Lead this little one from the midst of these goats. He means no harm.”
“He must reek of old age. God, the wretchedness his breath must contain. I get sick just thinking about him. Men are wretched beast. He must snore and grind his teeth, sounding like the devil himself in sleep.”
“I must admit he does stink, yet he slumbers silently. He gives thanks to God.”
“I despise that old fool. I give thanks to God every time we depart from his abode. I love playing him for the fool he is. He makes bold in his claim to be the man of God, yet I offer no solace for his intent.”
“Oh stop. You are wicked Beatrice my child. I know, I was touched in his heart. He gave thanks to God, the last time you allowed him to kiss you goodbye.”
The two young ladies burst into laughter. Seated behind the women, a partition between them, Alberto, continually on guard, listened to the conversation. He assumed the two were prostitutes. The crowd in the tavern was thin. It was early. The majority of Assisi slept late, recovering from the excess of the festival. He nibbled upon bread, slowly sipping his wine, allowing his meal of lamp stew to settle as he waited. There was no sign of Montaninus. The tavern worker, a man previously speaking of Ricco’s deed of killing the bull with some morning drinkers, approached.
Whispering, he spoke, barely missing a step as he passed. “My lord you are requested in the back.”
Subterfuge Impossible
‘contemplation is the soul’s free and clear dwelling upon the object of its gaze’. (Aquinas)
Three things are required for contemplation. First, the ordering of the corrupt affections, which ordering is a certain disposition towards contemplation, and this is had through the moral virtues. So the wings are moral virtues, such as patience and humility etc…Another wing is charity which greatly helps one to fly to contemplation…Another wing is wisdom, and by the wings of wisdom, truth is contemplated, for without these wings, one is easily taken into errors if divine things are contemplated…(Aquinas)
…Super Psalmos, the image of ‘wings’ occurs a number of times and most memorably, perhaps, when Thomas is referring to the power of Christ’s protection. Thus, commenting on the phrase Protect me under the shadow of your wings, he writes: ‘The two wings are the two arms of Christ extended on the cross’….
Now shade protects us from heat, just as God’s care refreshes us with safety. Like wise a hen protects her chicks in her wings against a bird of prey, just as God defends the just from the rapacity of the demons in his wings, which are charity and mercy. How often I wanted to gather you just as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, and you would not. Mt. 23.37…
The actual life of contemplation, evoked by the phrase ‘contemplata aliis tradere’, is a way of life that can hope to survive and flourish only if it is able enjoy a serene, meditative environment….Those who ‘take flight’ in contemplation, and in particular those who make great progress in prayer, are not men and women of a complacent and self-satisfied disposition. No, the opposite is the case. Commenting on the text, This poor man called and the Lord heard him, (Psalm 33), Thomas (Aquinas) observes that the individual, in this case, was manifestly ‘poor in spirit (anawim), or poor in that way, or poor in earthly desires’. And it is men and women who are poor in that way, Thomas insists, whose prayer has real merit in the end, and who, because they cry out ‘with the intensity of interior desire’ find their prayers answered by God.
To me, poor wretch,
Come quickly, Lord!
My helper, my savior, my God,
Come and do not delay!
These lines of manifest poverty of spirit, and intense longing, comprise the short stanza which concludes Psalm 39. The Dominican Master, instead of simply commenting on the lines, expresses something of their meaning in his own direct and simple prose:
I am asking everything because by myself I am not able to do anything since I am a beggar…A beggar is someone who seeks from another what he needs to live, while a poor man is someone who has not enough for himself…I must out of necessity, therefore, beg God for the help of his grace. I am also a poor man, and what I possess is not enough for me. Because I recognize this, the Lord takes care of me. And, because I am needy, You, Lord, are my help. And, because of danger, Do not delay! Lord, come to my aid!
–Paul Murray OP ‘Aquinas at Prayer: The Bible, Mysticism and Poetry’
Maintaining Fortitude
I have been reflecting upon a statement Myron, a respected spiritual director repeated that one could not retreat, nor cease upon the spiritual path. Once an individual progresses there is no going back, nor is there a point of termination. One cannot rest upon one’s laurels. One never reaches an end. God always demands more, acutely desiring growth, challenging for continual progress in humility and trust (faith), prayer (hope), and charity; a persistent revealing of the utility of the gifts of the Holy Spirit in our contemplative and active lives. I cannot embark upon the contemplative life with a passion; experiencing sweet consolations, enjoying the blessing of graces for myself and those I love, comprehending a presence within prayer efforts possessing poignant profoundness—only to falter when matters become challenging, or personal situations become demanding. Boredom, sloth, can be crippling quandaries. Not only do I become still in my knowing, I learn to remain still, trusting God under all conditions.
My spiritual life must become the foundation of my life. All other activities and experiences nurturing, pointing back, allowing quietness during properly dedicated times of prayer and devotion. Well rounded socially—not a spiritual glutton, physically active and participating in the world with secular and religious brothers and sisters, absolutely loving life and creation, I place the Creator above and in proper perspective, while active as an ordinary simple man in the world. I love my Tuesday and Fridays, days every week I play basketball. The competition and exercise emboldens my spiritual life, even if I have a terrible day on the court. Contemplatively, efflorescence occurs when a naturally arising, authentic, love for life and creation pours forth. I found it impressive that St Jane de Chantal, suffering immense spiritual darkness, conducted herself with no bleakness. She comprehended the vitality of displaying faith, hope, and charity.
I cannot experience God’s approval for furthering contemplative devotion, then respond with a decision to scale back my efforts. The softer easier road cannot be embarked upon once the narrower road has been presented. A calling recognized, I must embrace, trusting in God, focused upon revealing further His desires. There is a former priest I socially encounter that always leaves me disturbed. During a Christmas gathering this past holiday season, I encountered the gentleman. Assuming center stage, he led Christmas carols during the large dinner party. Articulate, highly educated, adept in foreign languages, knowledgeable in worldly affairs, ardently putting forth liberal ideals, he talked unceasingly. It never ceases to amaze me how awkwardly false the man appears. Comically, his clothes always seem too big for him, never quite fitting properly. His behavior comes off contrived and premediated, overly thought out and self-conscious. His words are too loud, and his tendency to leer at women make him socially graceless. I know the man’s story for he shared it with me during a private dinner. His childhood was marked by an early declaration he would become a priest. A recognized child genius, an extremely high IQ, he graduated from high school in his early teens, immediately entering the seminary. I am not sure of his tenure as a priest, yet I do know he left the priesthood after discerning marriage as his proper vocation. The man is now divorced, a recovering alcoholic, and tragically recently endured the suicide of an adult son. The whole matter leaves me perplexed, a lasting dark feeling–even now I pause to offer prayers for his peace of mind. Avoiding judgment or affirmations, I just cannot make sense of matters when this man is near. Everything seems completely out of order, self-will seemingly making an absolute disaster out of life, chaos all too apparent.
He who trusts himself is lost. He who trusts God can do all things. —St Alphonsus Ligouri
With those who are perfect and walk with simplicity, there is nothing small and contemptible, if it be a thing that pleases God; for the pleasure of God is the object at which alone they aim, and which is the reason, the measure, and the reward of all their occupations, actions, and plans; and so, in whatever they find this, it is for them a great and important thing. — Saint Alphonsus Rodriguez
Mary Hidden
Can I offer myself to God solely based upon pure intent, simple and humble in nature, seeking no accolades or self-glorification on the deepest level. Unworthy servant I am, do I truly understand who I am and who God is? Forsaking self-promotion, abandoning faith focused upon personal elevation, I touch upon truth. Praying in a hidden alcove, loyal to the Church, collapsed upon the shoulders of saints, reposed within ritual and tradition, adoring the cross, resurrection, and Eucharist, the nature of grace reveals herself. A loving Mother hovering tenderly above dispenses abundantly.
Mary lived in obscurity most of her life. Her humility was so great that she desired to hide, not only from all other creatures, but even from herself, so that only God should know her. She asked Him to conceal her, and to make her poor and humble. God delighted to hide her; in her conception, in her birth, in her mysteries, in her resurrection and assumption. St Louis de Montfort ‘True Devotion to Mary’
Mary’s unknowing: “How shall this happen, since I do not know man?” Luke 1:34
So often God performs his greatest work in silence. Mary is alone. As the Holy Spirit comes upon her, and the power of the Most High covers her with its shadow (Luke 1:35-36), she conceives the Holy One to be called Son of God. The whole world was to be affected by this event which God worked in seclusion and silence. So, too, does His grace work in one’s soul. Mary’s was a secret joy until God willed to reveal it to others.
Mother Mary, pray for us that we may always allow God’s grace to work silently in our soul
During mass, am I consumed with adoration, gratification for the miracle of the Eucharist? Am I participating fully, or am I focused upon others, perhaps imagining others admiring, reducing the most sacred of time down to worldly imperfection? Does my mind wander, unfocused, consumed by fantasy, imagination running wild? Am I intellectualizing, perceiving myself an authority of the Church, judging the piety of others, reasoning, delusional in thought, seeing myself as a Bible scholar. Am I consumed with myself or have I stilled my mind? There before me, willing to be consumed, is the Presence. Opening heart and mind, the left hand unaware of the right, I must offer my brokenness to Christ, concentrating upon who Christ is? Who are you Lord? Lord who are you? Please, I beg Lord, let Yourself be known to me? I am quiet, stilled, empty, constantly engaged in the process of transforming myself into a vessel worthy of filling. I hear the Gospel–the Good News. I ingest the Host. I verbalize responses? I have prepared myself for mass through proper conduct, maintaining sanctifying grace, devoted to contemplation, cleansing psychologically, I wait upon You, my Lord. Lord, authentically, I approach. I am willing to acknowledge ignorance in order to know You better my Lord. Allow me to understand who you are. Lord I want to know You, to accept You in your fullness. Fill me Lord–my heart, soul, body and mind are Yours. All I am is Yours.
Oh Great and Glorious God, enlighten the darkness of my heart. Give me true faith, certain hope, and perfect charity. Grace me with understanding and knowledge so that I may carry out Thy commandments. The simple prayer offered by Saint Francis of Assisi before the cross of San Damiano. Christ responded.
An individual amidst the crowd
…And a great crowd followed him and thronged about him. And there was a woman who had had a flow of blood for twelve years, and who had suffered much under many physicians, and had spent all that she had, and was no better but rather grew worse. She had heard the reports about Jesus, and came up behind him in the crowd and touched his garment. For she said, “If I touch even his garments, I shall be made well.” And immediately the hemorrhage ceased; and she felt in her body that she was healed of her disease. And Jesus, perceiving in himself that power had gone forth from him, immediately turned about in the crowd, and said, “Who touched my garments?” And his disciples said to him, “You see the crowd pressing around you, and yet you say, ‘Who touched me?’” And he looked around to see who had done it. But the woman, knowing what had been done to her, came in fear and trembling and fell down before him, and told him the whole truth. And he said to her, “Daughter, your faith has made you well; go in peace, and be healed of your disease.” –Mark 5:24-34
And behold, a woman who had suffered from a hemorrhage for twelve years came up behind him and touched the fringe of his garment; for she said to herself, “If I only touch his garment, I shall be made well.” Jesus turned, and seeing her he said, “Take heart, daughter; your faith has made you well.” And instantly the woman was made well. –Matthew 9:20-22
As he went, the people pressed round him. And a woman who had had a flow of blood for twelve years and had spent all her living upon physicians[a] and could not be healed by any one, came up behind him, and touched the fringe of his garment; and immediately her flow of blood ceased. And Jesus said, “Who was it that touched me?” When all denied it, Peter said, “Master, the multitudes surround you and press upon you!” But Jesus said, “Some one touched me; for I perceive that power has gone forth from me.” And when the woman saw that she was not hidden, she came trembling, and falling down before him declared in the presence of all the people why she had touched him, and how she had been immediately healed. And he said to her, “Daughter, your faith has made you well; go in peace.” –Luke 8:42-48
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