…let us strive in all things to conform ourselves to His divine will. Let us not only strive to conform ourselves, but also to unite ourselves to whatever dispositions God makes of us. Conformity signifies that we join our wills to the will of God. Uniformity means more. Uniformity means that we make one will of God’s will and our will. In this way we will only what God wills. God’s will alone is our will… –St Alphonsus Liguori
St Alphonsus Liguori
Now have I seen Thee and found Thee,
For Thou hast found Thy sheep;
I fled, but Thy love would follow–
I strayed, but Thy grace would keep.
Thou hast granted my heart’s desire–
Most blest of the blessed is he
Who findeth no rest and no sweetness
Till he rests, O Lord, in Thee.
O Lord, Thou seest, Thou knowest,
That to none my heart can tell
The joy and the love and the sorrow,
The tale that my heart knows well.
But to Thee, O my God, I can tell it–
To Thee, and to Thee, Lord, alone;
For Thy heart my heart hath a language,
For other hearts it hath none.
In the wide world, speechless and lonely,
For me is no heart but Thine;
Lord, since I must love Thee only,
Oh reveal Thy heart to mine.
“Wouldst thou know My glory, beloved?
Know Me, the great I AM?
First must thine eyes behold Me,
The slain and the stricken Lamb.
“My visage so marred more than any,
My form than the sons of men;
Yet to the heart I have won Me,
I am the fairest then.
Thou knowest the sun by his glory–
Thou knowest the rose by her breath,
Thou knowest the fire by its glowing–
Thou knowest My love by death.
“Wouldst thou know in My great creation
Where the rays of My glory meet?
Where to My awful righteousness
The kiss of My peace is sweet?
Where shine forth the wisdom and wonder
Of God’s everlasting plan?
Behold on the cross of dishonour
A cursed and a dying Man.
The breathing of the air,
the song of the sweet nightingale,
the grove and its living beauty
in the serene night,
with a flame that is consuming and painless.
–St John of the Cross, ‘Spiritual Canticle’
Patience a virtue. Christ awaits the return of His children. Forgive my trespasses Lord Jesus. Many times I have tested You. I deserve the wrath of Your hand, But You see greater things: Your patience enormous! Grant me a droplet of Your endurance. Grant me the fortitude and strength to abolish my impious impatience, able to reflect Your serenity. Great is the Lord Jesus in wisdom! Holy Mother, sheltering with your mantle, accompany me.
A time of living, solid in faith, building upon hope, loving all the time. I felt the need to live strong this weekend, experiencing and aware, healthy while building, prayerful the whole time. Silent and still before the Eucharist is easy. Living in the world is the difficult part. This weekend I consumed and participated, remaining distant, knowing God calls at all times. I am no Saint Faustina. In all my awkwardness, I have begged for a sign. Some have been given, signs appearing, yet definitive direction remains amiss. Life unfolds as a mystery.
St Faustina tells of marvelous spiritual direction:
“Once I was at a dance with one of my sisters and while everybody was having a good time, my soul was experiencing internal torments. As I began to dance, I suddenly saw Jesus at my side, Jesus racked with pain, stripped of his clothing, covered all over with wounds, who spoke these words to me, “How long shall I suffer and how long will you keep on deceiving Me?” At that moment a charming music stopped, and my company vanished from my sight; there remained Jesus and I. I took a seat by my dear sister, pretending to have a headache in order to cover up what took place in my soul. After a while, I slipped out unnoticed, leaving my sister and all my companions behind, and made my way to the Cathedral of Saint Stanislaus Kostka (Lodz). It was almost twilight; there were only a few people in the cathedral. Paying no attention to what was happening around me, I fell prostrate before the Blessed Sacrament and begged the Lord to be good enough to give me to understand what I should do next.
Then I heard these words, “Go at once to Warsaw (Poland), you will enter a convent there”. I rose from prayer, came home, and took care of things that needed to be settled. As best I could, I confided to my sister what took place within my soul. I told her to say good-bye to our parents, and thus, in one dress, with no other belongings, I arrived in Warsaw
‘Four Quartets’ clip
T.S. Eliot
Trying to use words, and every attempt
Is a wholy new start, and a different kind of failure
Because one has only learnt to get the better of words
For the thing one no longer has to say, or the way in which
One is no longer disposed to say it. And so each venture
Is a new beginning, a raid on the inarticulate,
With shabby equipment always deteriorating
In the general mess of imprecision of feeling,
Undisciplined squads of emotion. And what there is to conquer
By strength and submission, has already been discovered
Once or twice, or several times, by men whom one cannot hope
To emulate – but there is no competition –
There is only the fight to recover what has been lost
And found and lost again and again: and now, under conditions
That seem unpropitious. But perhaps neither gain nor loss.
For us, there is only the trying. The rest is not our business.
Words from a Trappist monk–told to me, heard from a dying monk by a hosting monk when he was younger. The first monk the hosting brother witnessed pass away in community. The death cementing the finality of his cloistered life discernment. The abbey graveyard became a daily reality. The words shaped his spiritual life. ‘As my life draws to an end, I realize very few things were truly any of my business’. The hosting monk, elderly during our time together, wasting time gracefully, commented: ‘When I was young, I read voraciously, now I hardly read and what I do read rarely makes sense, nor can I stay focused. I am working with watercolors, however my efforts are abysmal. I have these images and colors in my mind, yet they do not come through. I once saw a snow covered pine tree through a window frame unintentionally placing a cross before the winter scene. It seemed something important presented itself. I wanted to convey it, yet I doubt my ambition will be accomplished. My efforts are childish’.
One dark night,
Fired with love’s urgent longings
ah, the sheer grace!
I went out unseen,
my house being now all stilled.
Stilling my house within a socially active life is more difficult than if I were graced with the path of a cloistered monk. Every life has its challenges, identifying the unique difficulties is important. When I started this blog, I concentrated upon finding an individual path within the vastness of the Church, being able to connect to Christ while finding my proper role within the Church. I must soundly establish Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior, while abiding, adoring, in obedience to the Church, and thus within everything surrendering to the love of my Holy Mother, also turning to the strength and inspiration of the saints. A strong prayer life and devotion to the Eucharist are my greatest weapons. It is a complex process leading to simplicity that allows love to reign supreme in my life.
My thoughts go in this direction after several recovery experiences. The demands well intended people in the recovery world make upon one another can be overwhelming. To be able to absorb what is good for me to keep me socially active, alert and thriving in the real world, also brings forth complexities and demands that are easy to wage war upon. In an early Monday morning meeting there is a gentleman intent upon establishing himself as my guru, a spiritual director, a knower of all things that must be adhered to if one is going to successfully recover from a life of severe alcoholism. I relish the man’s input, yet serious flaws easily emerge. He could never be my spiritual director. Today, observing him aggressively attempting to convince a new young man court ordered to attend meetings I felt sorry for the man. He is so intent upon others recognizing his spiritual superiority it is distressing to observe. He is an intelligent, successful man, however his demand to establish himself as a teacher hinders his spiritual life. My challenge is not to fight him, while remaining open and willing to listen to him. He possesses wisdom. The greatest lesson he may provide is the practicing of the principle of being vulnerable while also strong, malleable yet distinct in purpose. I would also like to add that the easy comment of praying for someone one finds offensive while loving them can be superficial and shallow; a subversive, passively aggressive way of avoiding interior reflection, raising one’s self above, while allowing perceived righteousness to nurture negative growth. God does not want my prayers and love for others that I have judged inferior and wrong. I am positive he would rather I accept the honesty of the situation, especially regarding my faults and accountability. How does God truly see the situation, the judged will be judged.
The idea of finding my place within the Church, able to grow spiritually demands that with growth I maintain proper perspective, not allowing advancement to allow pride to fertilize ambition that seeks only personal satisfaction or sweet spiritual consolations. I relate everything to another gentleman I encountered, a strange man with a complex story I have not fully digested, still sorting through the details, accepting mysteries and incongruities. I like his presence. I know he is a holy man just shaking his hand, blessed to hold hands with him praying the ‘Our Father’. The man an extreme business success, maintaining years of sobriety, a solid family life, and active within the Church, was sentenced to eight years in prison due to a critical indiscretion with a young lady. He stated once his innocence and a disastrous plea bargain. A heavy hitting lawyer I spoke with later told me he never saw such a sentence, and the fact current law would not allow the sentence due to the nature of the crime and the fact he possessed no criminal record. By current law, the man could not be sentenced to more than a year in prison. Regardless of justice or injustice, the man now sees his time in prison as a grace, a time of ascetic monasticism he needed. Imprisoned older, in his late fifties, he served his time amongst an elderly group–some lifers focused upon their Catholic faith. In prison, concentrating upon the Church, turning to Mary, seeking Jesus with all his heart, the man revealed the wisdom of God within his life, advancing everything to the most remarkable story of a heart attack in prison. The physical dramatics and pain of suffering a heart attack brought forth joy and visions of the divine. It is an extraordinary story, supernatural. Disregarding the overwhelming dramatics of the man’s story, told in such a simple peaceful manner, level-headed—no need at all for acceptance by others, produced a profound message regarding grace. This man authentically saw God’s grace as an eight year prison sentence, a sentence others quickly point out as unjust, and a heart attack. The stilling of his house occurred within the Big House and was maintained through a near fatal heart attack
God’s ways are mysterious, may I remain strong while becoming weak, in the process learning to properly discern God’s voice.
One dark night,
Fired with love’s urgent longings
ah, the sheer grace!
I went out unseen,
my house being now all stilled.
Shepherd me, O God, beyond my wants,
beyond my fears, from death into life.
God is my shepherd, so nothing I shall want,
I rest in the meadows of faithfulness and love,
I walk by the quiet waters of peace.
Shepherd me, O God, beyond my wants,
beyond my fears, from death into life.
I recall in the friary reading the prophet Ezekiel for what seemed like endless days. There was something strange about the reading. Intent upon completing the book, words began to drag, sentence after sentence meaningless in interpretation. Holy Hours went by with nothing happening, my efforts seemingly futile. I persevered, moving forward with or without consolations. Then I came to chapter thirty-four. Lights turned on, everything became profound, self-consciousness disappeared, awareness emerged. The idea of God being the shepherd, the ultimate necessity of Jesus expanded. The words took on life, protecting and sheltering, bringing forth tears of relief.
Thus says the Lord GOD…shepherds of Israel who have been feeding yourselves! Should not shepherds feed the sheep? You eat the fat, you clothe yourselves with the wool, you slaughter the fatlings; but you do not feed the sheep. The weak you have not strengthened, the sick you have not healed, the crippled you have not bound up, the strayed you have not brought back, the lost you have not sought, and with force and harshness you have ruled them. So they were scattered, because there was no shepherd; and they became food for all the wild beasts. My sheep were scattered, they wandered over all the mountains and on every high hill; my sheep were scattered over all the face of the earth, with none to search or seek for them. “Therefore, you shepherds, hear the word of the LORD: As I live, says the Lord GOD, because my sheep have become a prey, and my sheep have become food for all the wild beasts, since there was no shepherd; and because my shepherds have not searched for my sheep, but the shepherds have fed themselves, and have not fed my sheep; therefore, you shepherds, hear the word of the LORD: Thus says the Lord GOD, Behold, I am against the shepherds; and I will require my sheep at their hand, and put a stop to their feeding the sheep; no longer shall the shepherds feed themselves. I will rescue my sheep from their mouths, that they may not be food for them. “For thus says the Lord GOD: Behold, I myself will search for my sheep, and will seek them out. As a shepherd seeks out his flock…I myself will be the shepherd of my sheep, and I will make them lie down, says the Lord GOD. I will seek the lost, and I will bring back the strayed, and I will bind up the crippled, and I will strengthen the weak, and the fat and the strong I will watch over;…
Form the suffering of Christ crucified within oneself, His sweet teachings, His gentle conduct, and His pure life, which He led as an example for us to follow, and thus through Him press further within. Afterward, as exterior preoccupations disappear, one should sit in the stillness of one’s spirit in vigorous detachment, as though one is dead to one self, never leading to oneself or being one’s own goal, but having Christ alone and the honor and glory of the heavenly Father as one’s goal. Toward others, both friends and enemies, one should act humbly and friendly.
Now when the spirit, unconscious of itself, really begins to dwell in this transfigured resplendent darkness, it becomes free of all obstacles and all that is its own, as St Bernard says….This losing of self is something divine that somehow becomes all things for him….the spirit withdraws, but not completely. It takes on certain qualities of the Godhead…it does not become God….What happens…happens by grace…something created out of nothing that remains forever…as the soul is taken in, it is freed from doubt as it becomes lost when it is separated from its individuality and is joined to what is divine while being unconscious of itself….the power of resplendent divine being, the spirit is pulled upward beyond its natural capacities into the nakedness of this nothing because it is bare of creatures of any kind….The spirit loses its own knowledge because it loses itself, lacking any awareness of self and forgetting all things. And this happened when the spirit in itself turned away from the created nature of its self and all things toward the naked uncreatedness of nothingness. –Henry Suso
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