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Man Tower witnesses the baptism of St Francis before setting out for the old man of the mountain

Towers

Towers

There was another also witnessing. Alberto saw Pietro making his way to the stables as he exited in the morning. Rarely sleeping, up before others, falling asleep after others, Man Tower dominated through perception and awareness. Something about the merchant bothered him greatly. The man schemed. He intended espionage through his squire. Never would Man Tower have kissed his very footprint, giving thanks to God for the existence of anything close to resembling the merchant represented. Certain men reviled him. Convinced he possessed no choice in the matter, he deployed to counter attacks, preparing for the demise of those who acutely agitated. When the merchant emerged from the stables with Ricco, he followed. Trusting his squire, he had to know what the wily shop owner was up to, such a man did nothing without motive for profit.

It was not long before Pietro was escorting Ricco into the cathedral of St Rufino. Man Tower stood outside unobservantly observing, before following into the interior. In the stealth manner he was able to attain despite his size, Alberto snuck into the cathedral, witnessing the baptism himself. It was innocent enough. He perceived the intent of the textile merchant. The shop owner was attempting to gain his favor through Ricco. Alberto trusted Ricco, fearing nothing the crafty shop owner, usual with unclean spirits, could conceive.

About to stealthy depart, the crying of the baptized baby drew Alberto’s attention. The thought struck he never witnessed a baptism before. He observed the baby as he was handed to his godparents. An iridescent aura radiated. The strangeness of ordinary things that occurred upon the unordinary battlefield struck the moment. Details became acutely apparent, time transparent to unfathomable profoundness, meanings manifested that could not be obviously stated, nor appropriately comprehended. The baby’s eyes turned toward him, closing the distance between them, a vertiginous moment soothing. Alberto found it difficult to stand, to hold his place upon his feet. Strange, foreign interior words came forth evil spirit come out of her.

Alberto, always preparing for an attack, constantly entertaining conflict, felt the need to raise defenses. Something unseen confronted. What was happening during the baptizing of the merchant’s son? Everything; perception, reality, thought, physicality, all seemed to be an illusion pointing to something greater, to almighty God, yet there was no comfort, only collusion. Unknowable knowledge became apparent. God knew this baby, through the works of all things. The palpable indefinite conviction announced eternal salvation, something set apart becoming a part. The intuition blanketed his mind, covering mental sores and wounds of the mind, smothering. Acquiescing, he settled into admiration of the beautiful baby who would become the man of God, like a grandparent admiring their first grandchild; the acceptance of aging through the exquisiteness of infancy, polar opposites uniting in authentic conception; the descent of the Holy Spirit upon the needing—to be set free and to be with Christ. He prayed for his mother, wishing she could see this baby. People, that are in the world, gathering around the baby, blocked Alberto’s vision, eliminating the moment of sublime revelation.

Making the sign of the cross with holy water, reminding him of a washing, somewhat slightly dazed, Alberto exited the cathedral. The face of the baby, its aura, etched in his mind; the eyes and perpetual smile lasting. In the clefts of the rock, in the hollow of the wall, his eyes unfocused, wandered past.

Emptied of himself, walking through Assisi, Man Tower, reposing back into demented knightly persona, sought Lord Montaninus, his former comrade in arms, hand in hand, with Barbarossa. Montaninus made arraignments to meet at a tavern near Minerva’s Temple. Alberto was to eat at the tavern. The cost would be of no concern. What was of the Lord? Following the meal, he would be led to the back of the establishment where Montaninus would be waiting. They would then venture to a castle hidden amongst the wilderness of Mount Subasio, a castle hosting an aged nobleman whispered to be insane, as well as a mystic, the word of God upon his lips, a man of worldly and spiritual extraordinariness.

An unseen female voice spoke from a table in close proximity. “That old man gives me the creeps. I don’t care what you say I am convinced he is a pervert.”

“It does not matter what he is. What has been wrong with you? For weeks now you have proven impossible, snapping at everything. The old noble provides means we could never attain. Trusting to the mercy of the almighty. You are so quick to grow angry in time of need. I worry about you. Look deeper. The old one truly asks very little of us. We know worse debauchery for less pay—only the younger ones are handsomer and hearty, yet that does not seem to bother you as much as the old one who never asks for deplorable things. Though he began to speak, you should not despise him.”

“Maybe he gives wealth, providing jewelry and gold as easy as others give promises, however we pay through the debasing we endure acquiescing to his, to his…I am not even sure what it is the old man burdens us with. Unspoken demands—that is what he procures. I cannot figure the old one out.”

“You feel him to be a burden. Those who were touched in their hearts, amazed with his deeds, tell of his goodness.”

“Yes. He is insane. How often he resorts to a juvenile nature. I cannot stand looking at his decrepit face. Determination, I cannot maintain. Sometimes, the way he speaks to us, as if we were children just learning to walk, makes me desire to scratch his eyes out. His patronizing is so demeaning. And you fall into the childish talk he so enjoys, speaking to one another as if you were children. I have to force my mind into other places, fearing his insanity will infiltrate my mind. Tainted are his ways. He must know I hate him.”

“Why would you hate him? Over the saints household, he perseveres. I feel sorry for him for being so gullible, a son…an only child to its mother. A story here, emotion espoused, a tear, and the old fool is opening his coffers. It is too easy sleeping in the lap. I even find it fun, like playing a part in the theater. There is no reason to hate him. Seriously sweetie, you just have not been yourself for some time now. The new planting of a fresh attitude you must embrace.”

“I guess…I do not know…it is too easy. I feel my soul is at stake in unknown ways. For this very reason alone, everything is wrong. One day, he will discharge his guards upon us. His chosen vineyard protected. Then we will know death and maybe he will have arraigned everything so our souls are sucked down into the depths of hell. They will say about us their efforts came to naught. We will lose our heads and suffer eternally. It is so creepy to be blindfolded en route to provide for their needs. Still, I hate it even more when he visits the city, sent down to the earth.”

“You worry too much. Please him. Open his heart to the experience of a daughter, be joined to the soul. That is all he wants from us, the pleasure to love a child, his own child. Rejoice greatly, falling at his feet. His sons are dead, the father of the poor. He has no one, for empty glory. He provides so well. A gift horse must not be examined too closely. A curse, he is not. To masquerade as a daughter is not such a horrid thing. The father of the poor, let him be. Christ made himself poor for us in this world. Let us not suffer a similar fate. We have done far worse than the old man. Heartbreaking stories, lies of sorrow, dreams unrequited, tears of tribulations; that is all we must provide in order for the sweet old one to open his treasure chest. He loves to preach the word of the Lord. Allow him his liberties.”

“I catch him, the appointed minister of a faith I hold not deeply in my heart, looking at me as no proper father observes a daughter. Do not make him out to be so innocent. Every time we call, his leering grows. I expect soon, I will have to sleep with him.”

“Again, the nasty attitude, I have slept with him. It is only sleep he demands and touched with sorrow in his heart, he dreams.”

“He does not touch you? I should have known. The old fool is impotent.”

“I do not care, or know. He holds me, meek and humble. That I do know. Lead this little one from the midst of these goats. He means no harm.”

“He must reek of old age. God, the wretchedness his breath must contain. I get sick just thinking about him. Men are wretched beast. He must snore and grind his teeth, sounding like the devil himself in sleep.”

“I must admit he does stink, yet he slumbers silently. He gives thanks to God.”

“I despise that old fool. I give thanks to God every time we depart from his abode. I love playing him for the fool he is. He makes bold in his claim to be the man of God, yet I offer no solace for his intent.”

“Oh stop. You are wicked Beatrice my child. I know, I was touched in his heart. He gave thanks to God, the last time you allowed him to kiss you goodbye.”

The two young ladies burst into laughter. Seated behind the women, a partition between them, Alberto, continually on guard, listened to the conversation. He assumed the two were prostitutes. The crowd in the tavern was thin. It was early. The majority of Assisi slept late, recovering from the excess of the festival. He nibbled upon bread, slowly sipping his wine, allowing his meal of lamp stew to settle as he waited. There was no sign of Montaninus. The tavern worker, a man previously speaking of Ricco’s deed of killing the bull with some morning drinkers, approached.

Whispering, he spoke, barely missing a step as he passed. “My lord you are requested in the back.”

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Cutting Torch

As a true Savior, as a Physician as firm as He is wise and discreet, He applies the fire and the iron now to this place, now to that, but particularly there where His practiced eye sees faults to be expiated, defects to be corrected or a weak point to be strengthened.  In spite of the protests of nature, He will continue the treatment with a merciful severity, so long as He judges it necessary to complete our cure and to dispose us for the reception of His gifts…God wills to temper and to tame it (self-will)….There can be no greater or livelier faith than to believe that God is managing our affairs with admirable wisdom and love when He seems to be destroying and annihilating us, when He frustrates our holiest designs, when He exposes us to calumny, obscures all our lights in prayer, dries up our devotion and fervor with aridities, ruins our health with infirmities and languors, reduces us to incapacity for doing anything at all.  –Abbot Vital Lehodey.

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Subterfuge Impossible

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‘contemplation is the soul’s free and clear dwelling upon the object of its gaze’. (Aquinas)

Three things are required for contemplation. First, the ordering of the corrupt affections, which ordering is a certain disposition towards contemplation, and this is had through the moral virtues. So the wings are moral virtues, such as patience and humility etc…Another wing is charity which greatly helps one to fly to contemplation…Another wing is wisdom, and by the wings of wisdom, truth is contemplated, for without these wings, one is easily taken into errors if divine things are contemplated…(Aquinas)

Super Psalmos, the image of ‘wings’ occurs a number of times and most memorably, perhaps, when Thomas is referring to the power of Christ’s protection. Thus, commenting on the phrase Protect me under the shadow of your wings, he writes: ‘The two wings are the two arms of Christ extended on the cross’….

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Now shade protects us from heat, just as God’s care refreshes us with safety. Like wise a hen protects her chicks in her wings against a bird of prey, just as God defends the just from the rapacity of the demons in his wings, which are charity and mercy. How often I wanted to gather you just as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, and you would not. Mt. 23.37…

The actual life of contemplation, evoked by the phrase ‘contemplata aliis tradere’, is a way of life that can hope to survive and flourish only if it is able enjoy a serene, meditative environment….Those who ‘take flight’ in contemplation, and in particular those who make great progress in prayer, are not men and women of a complacent and self-satisfied disposition. No, the opposite is the case. Commenting on the text, This poor man called and the Lord heard him, (Psalm 33), Thomas (Aquinas) observes that the individual, in this case, was manifestly ‘poor in spirit (anawim), or poor in that way, or poor in earthly desires’. And it is men and women who are poor in that way, Thomas insists, whose prayer has real merit in the end, and who, because they cry out ‘with the intensity of interior desire’ find their prayers answered by God.

To me, poor wretch,
Come quickly, Lord!
My helper, my savior, my God,
Come and do not delay!

These lines of manifest poverty of spirit, and intense longing, comprise the short stanza which concludes Psalm 39. The Dominican Master, instead of simply commenting on the lines, expresses something of their meaning in his own direct and simple prose:

I am asking everything because by myself I am not able to do anything since I am a beggar…A beggar is someone who seeks from another what he needs to live, while a poor man is someone who has not enough for himself…I must out of necessity, therefore, beg God for the help of his grace.  I am also a poor man, and what I possess is not enough for me.  Because I recognize this, the Lord takes care of me.  And, because I am needy, You, Lord, are my help.  And, because of danger, Do not delay!  Lord, come to my aid!

–Paul Murray OP ‘Aquinas at Prayer: The Bible, Mysticism and Poetry’

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Maintaining Fortitude

I have been reflecting upon a statement Myron, a respected spiritual director repeated that one could not retreat, nor cease upon the spiritual path.  Once an individual progresses there is no going back, nor is there a point of termination.  One cannot rest upon one’s laurels.  One never reaches an end.  God always demands more, acutely desiring growth, challenging for continual progress in humility and trust (faith), prayer (hope), and charity; a persistent revealing of the utility of the gifts of the Holy Spirit in our contemplative and active lives.  I cannot embark upon the contemplative life with a passion; experiencing sweet consolations, enjoying the blessing of graces for myself and those I love, comprehending a presence within prayer efforts possessing poignant profoundness—only to falter when matters become challenging, or personal situations become demanding.  Boredom, sloth, can be crippling quandaries.  Not only do I become still in my knowing, I learn to remain still, trusting God under all conditions.

My spiritual life must become the foundation of my life.  All other activities and experiences nurturing, pointing back, allowing quietness during properly dedicated times of prayer and devotion.  Well rounded socially—not a spiritual glutton, physically active and participating in the world with secular and religious brothers and sisters, absolutely loving life and creation, I place the Creator above and in proper perspective, while active as an ordinary simple man in the world.  I love my Tuesday and Fridays, days every week I play basketball.  The competition and exercise emboldens my spiritual life, even if I have a terrible day on the court.  Contemplatively, efflorescence occurs when a naturally arising, authentic, love for life and creation pours forth.  I found it impressive that St Jane de Chantal, suffering immense spiritual darkness, conducted herself with no bleakness.  She comprehended the vitality of displaying faith, hope, and charity.

I cannot experience God’s approval for furthering contemplative devotion, then respond with a decision to scale back my efforts.  The softer easier road cannot be embarked upon once the narrower road has been presented.  A calling recognized, I must embrace, trusting in God, focused upon revealing further His desires.  There is a former priest I socially encounter that always leaves me disturbed.  During a Christmas gathering this past holiday season, I encountered the gentleman.  Assuming center stage, he led Christmas carols during the large dinner party.  Articulate, highly educated, adept in foreign languages, knowledgeable in worldly affairs, ardently putting forth liberal ideals, he talked unceasingly.  It never ceases to amaze me how awkwardly false the man appears.  Comically, his clothes always seem too big for him, never quite fitting properly.  His behavior comes off contrived and premediated, overly thought out and self-conscious.  His words are too loud, and his tendency to leer at women make him socially graceless.  I know the man’s story for he shared it with me during a private dinner.  His childhood was marked by an early declaration he would become a priest.  A recognized child genius, an extremely high IQ, he graduated from high school in his early teens, immediately entering the seminary.  I am not sure of his tenure as a priest, yet I do know he left the priesthood after discerning marriage as his proper vocation.  The man is now divorced, a recovering alcoholic, and tragically recently endured the suicide of an adult son.  The whole matter leaves me perplexed, a lasting dark feeling–even now I pause to offer prayers for his peace of mind.  Avoiding judgment or affirmations, I just cannot make sense of matters when this man is near.  Everything seems completely out of order, self-will seemingly making an absolute disaster out of life, chaos all too apparent.

He who trusts himself is lost. He who trusts God can do all things. —St Alphonsus Ligouri

With those who are perfect and walk with simplicity, there is nothing small and contemptible, if it be a thing that pleases God; for the pleasure of God is the object at which alone they aim, and which is the reason, the measure, and the reward of all their occupations, actions, and plans; and so, in whatever they find this, it is for them a great and important thing.  — Saint Alphonsus Rodriguez

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An approach to prayer

A roaring lion, I center myself upon the presence of God. Disregarding surroundings, I close my eyes. Roaring through consciousness, interiorly warding away the exterior, silently screaming for all to back away, warning with all my might for disturbances, all things attempting to distract to stay away: stay away my neighbor, stay away my enemy, stay away my friend, stay away brother and sister. The adversary may roam about like a roaring lion, yet now I roar back before I place myself completely before my Lord, demanding that I do it to the best of my ability.

Lord let me prepare myself before adoring. Honest in woundedness, with open and absolute intent, I seek to place myself before my Lord. I am fearful of all, including my Lord, and most of all myself. Fear rules, yet the fear is healthy, acknowledging the seriousness of being alive, the accountability life demands, the aftermath of original sin, Triune mercy and love. I know my weaknesses. Intensely, I must concentrate to eliminate diversions. I roar myself into stillness.

Settling, most beneficially before the Blessed Sacrament, I envision an immense double edge sword of supernatural dimension. Controlled by my wielding, grasped firmly with two hands, I utilize the sword to cut away all interruptions, extinguishing thoughts. Slashing turbulences, I slice through psychological uprisings, decimating fantasies and feelings, imagination and emotion obliterated, cutting through sounds and sensual disturbances. The sword is used to establish distance from surroundings in order to diminish separation from God.

Imperfections availing, all effort subsists. The sword is grounded, point buried, pommel vertically aloft, cross-guard horizontally announcing a crucifix. Adoration an only reward, quietness quells the mind. Beating, the heart becomes the center, blood pumping. Shaping, forming; faith, hope, and charity concretize. A birth. A crucifixion. A resurrection. An ascension. Eternity.

Jesus told his disciples a parable about the necessity for them to pray always without becoming weary. He said, “There was a judge in a certain town who neither feared God nor respected any human being. And a widow in that town used to come to him and say, ‘Render a just decision for me against my adversary.’ For a long time the judge was unwilling, but eventually he thought, ‘While it is true that I neither fear God nor respect any human being, because this widow keeps bothering me I shall deliver a just decision for her lest she finally come and strike me.’” The Lord said, “Pay attention to what the dishonest judge says. Will not God then secure the rights of his chosen ones who call out to him day and night? Will he be slow to answer them? I tell you, he will see to it that justice is done for them speedily. But when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on earth?”

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My Daily Bread

My child you will never face a greater battle than the battle against your unreasoning feelings and desires. These are your passions. They are your most stubborn and most dangerous enemies. This blind and lower self within you is so close to you that it is almost invisible to you. It tries to make you think and feel its way instead of My way. Treat this lower self as an enemy. Acts of mortification will help you to advance in self control. I will strengthen your efforts with My grace.

The fight for self control is harder than bodily or mental labors. Your lower self is more determined in pursuing what it wants than your will is, in seeking Me.

JMJ

Mortification means “putting to death”. The person who wants to live more for God, must live less for his blind natural appetite and unreasoning desires. He will look to God’s holy will and follow it ever better each day. His likes and dislikes, his feelings and moods will react whenever he tries to do what is unpleasant or difficult, but he seeks to follow his intelligence regardless of feelings and moods.

Words from ‘My Daily Bread’ by Anthony Paone, S.J. of the Confraternity of the Precious Blood. The most powerful daily meditation book I have encountered.

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Chastity thoughts

Prayer to Saint Joseph for Purity. O GUARDIAN of Virgins and holy Father St. Joseph, into whose faithful keeping were entrusted Christ Jesus, Innocence Itself, and Mary, Virgin of virgins, I pray and beseech thee by these dear pledges, Jesus and Mary, that, being preserved from all uncleanness, I may with spotless mind, pure heart and chaste body, ever serve Jesus and Mary most chastely all the days of my life. Amen.

I created this blog with the intention of establishing a venue in which to deepen my faith through the embracing of a contemplative lifestyle. As I hammer out a faith that truly works, I focus upon the concept of chastity, the battle with the flesh. The path I pursue must be firmly grounded in reality, not an idealistic escapism that draws me deeply into the supernatural, while avoiding the demands of daily living. It is an approach I never truly embraced, thus the need to collapse my life through severe alcoholism.

Unable to flee from temptation, unable to honestly and effectively deal with the anxieties of life, I passionately pursued God in a ‘practically atheistic manner’, that is I concluded my life was doomed for failure and collusion, while embracing the lifestyle of an existential, struggling with existence, writer. A modern man, an underground man, life was something that would never make sense. I could love God, accepting austerity in regards to the sufferings of abusing alcohol, and the whole time living a life that could never attain peace. It was an insane lifestyle that only naturally led to the absolute breakdown that occurred.

Impurity, says Saint Augustine, is a vice which makes war on all, and which few Conquer. “The fight is Common; but the victory rare”. How many miserable souls have entered the contest with this vice, and have been defeated! but, to induce you to-expose yourselves to occasions of this sin, the devil will tell you not to be afraid-of being overcome-by the temptation. “I do not wish”, says Saint Jerome, “to fight with the hope of victory, lest I should sometimes lose the victory”. I will not expose myself to the combat, with the hope-of conquering; because, by voluntarily engaging in the fight, I shall lose my soul and my God. To ‘escape’ defeat in this struggle, a great grace of God is necessary; and to render ourselves worthy-of this grace, we must, on our part, avoid the occasions of sin. To practice the virtue of chastity, it is necessary to recommend ourselves continually-to God: we have not strength to preserve it; that strength must be the gift of God. “And as I knew”, says the wise man, “that I could not otherwise be continent, except God gave it, … I went to the Lord, and besought Him” – Wisdom 8:21. But if we expose ourselves to the occasions of sin, we ourselves shall provide our rebellious flesh with arm, to make war against the soul.  –sermon by St Alphonsus De Liguori ‘Occasions of Sin’.

I am actively pursuing the means to recovery from the physical and mental disability of lengthy practiced alcoholism. Those steps have been put into place, a daily ritual focused upon reality and the assistance of others. My journey of life must not be an isolated endeavor, an effort of singularity relying solely upon my faculties. Not only is a distant Divine assistance sought, my brothers and sisters of the world are tapped into regarding lessons on living and the pursuit of meaning within life. People are no longer merely entertainment. They are to be taken seriously and respected as well springs of knowledge.

The isolation I forced upon my life through decadence, lack of discipline, and indulgence forced celibacy upon my life. ‘He that loveth danger shall perish in it’. Enduring over twenty years, the physical demands of my body were not met, while my mind was filled with fantasy, physical indulgence dreamed about, playing through imagination in areas I pretended I abstained from. The unorthodox celibacy was not brought into fruition through a love of God. The spiritual plane could never bring about good fruit with such an obvious perversion being lived.

In preparation for tending to the issue of chastity, I read the Papal encyclical Sacra Virginitas by Pope Pius XII, written in 1954. I quote infallible words: ‘…a consequence of the fall of Adam the lower faculties of human nature are no longer obedient to right reason and may involve man in dishonorable actions.’ Living a life improperly dedicated to Christ, I see now, could never supply the necessary artillery to attain victory in the difficult battle chastity presents. ‘He that can take it (chastity), let him take it: let him who can, fight, conquer and receive this reward’. The battle with the flesh is truly warfare. The means to victory are beyond my capabilities. Pope Pius writes: ‘The virtue of chastity does not mean that we are insensible to the urge of concupiscence, but that we subordinate it to reason and the law of grace, by striving wholeheartedly after what is noblest in human and Christian life’. Lacking sanity and divine intervention, my powerless condition was truly unmanageable.

As I put into living a new way of life, I consider my convictions toward sexuality. How do I want to think and live? My thoughts instantly go to my spiritual partner Ann Marie, a gift from God, a woman who has changed my life. It is a complex relationship for many reasons, one of them being my desire to possess her as a woman, to see into reality a marriage within the Church. She has made it clear that such thoughts must not be entertained, while establishing a commitment to share life. A strong woman, stronger in determination than myself, I recognize her sustained effort of knowing God through diligence, proper living, psychological cleansing, and commitment to daily mass, the Eucharist (as she says her daily medicine), consecration to Mary, and all other ways prescribed by the Church. She is a challenge in deep regards. I am physically attracted to her, attached to her to a degree she identifies as codependent. I cannot imagine living life without her as she has produced natural results in my life that have allowed an authentic path to the contemplative life to come into practice. Our time together has not been easy for either of us.

Overall, I feel a need to acquiesce to the Almighty, to ask God for assistance. Again the words of Pope Pius XII: “…‘God does not command the impossible, but in commanding serves notice that one do what one can, and pray for what he cannot,’ As Ann Marie puts it. God is a gentleman. He invites, making an offer to chastity, yet he allows me to make the choice. In regards to chastity, there is not a right or a wrong choice. God truly places the decision upon my lap. There is no hidden agenda. Either paths, marriage or chastity, can lead to holiness and thus salvation, eternal peace.

I like the space God provides in facing such a serious situation. Being older, not feeling emotionally strong enough to make a declarative statement, I repose upon waiting. Moral behavior lived, sanctifying grace attuned, I allow the options to take shape in my daily life, allowing discernment to form within the spiritual level, which is through the sacraments, Eucharist, Rosary, and prayer. Miracle thinking and despondency eliminated, I move past fear, identifying how best to fulfill my purpose of praising God and serving my brothers and sisters, including through prayer those in purgatory.

I felt I had more concrete thoughts, yet feel satisfied with this outpouring.

In conclusion, I beg for grace from the abundant giver of grace, my love and woman of splendid repute, my Holy Mother. Mary let your virginity inspire me to love God through pure living. Grace me with the wisdom to pursue a path that brings honor to the love we share. I bow to your worldly husband, a model for manhood, St Joseph. St Joseph pray for me.

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