I am going to insistent upon exploring to the minutest detail the complications with my former spiritual partner.  It all has to do with love.  The further I go the more convinced I am correct in everything I do with her. She has been hard and demanding on me and now in return, through absolute love, I return the favor.  The love she offered, indifference actually, she defines as Godly, a love away from the perverted love my mother offered.  Her indifference is a love on the level God loves. God is pure love, above the emotional, selfish, sappy, crap I approach her with.  I have no idea how to love, thus it was her spiritual responsibility to reshape my distorted opinions on love.  Lacking emotion, getting absolutely nothing from me, in fact not even liking me as a person, at times stating she despised me, she was confident in her approach as a spiritual superior that she was capable of battering me with a higher love, pummeling me with harsh conditions, conversation, and ideas in order to reshape my understanding of a deeper love.  She would scream how if I wanted to leave her there were others who would receive her graces.  She views her interactions with others as an opportunity for those she chooses to encounter to receive blessings.  Those fortunate to receive her attention are capable of garnering special favors from God.  Where in scripture Matthew tells us that where two or three of us are gathered in His name, there He is, she discerns that due to her spiritual superiority she is the one bringing the graces to holy gatherings.  Disrespecting me, screaming at me, intentionally hurting me when she sensed romantic feelings flowering within me, stating to me she was in love romantically with various other men, telling me she was dating, she did everything she could to rattle me.  Hurting me allowed me opportunity for growth and graces.  I had to accept and endure.  She believed in me, while feeling absolutely nothing for me.  My love for her only grew.  This must read dramatic, insane even, yet it is truth, a lived reality.  It must be understood the woman is remarkably intelligent, spiritually insightful, responsible in every regard, detail oriented in life, positive attributes flow from her.  Miracles occurred in my life during my interaction with her.  Her positive attributes, my love for her, and above all God’s blessings produced phenomenal results.  However now that maturity has been firmly established within my life a new playing field is presented.  New ways dictate further growth.  Love needs further defining, and I am positive my concept of love is the correct one.   I want her to know my love.  Her concept of love is her spiritual downfall.  The more I saw it, the more signs poured in that her accepting of a romantic love between us was fundamental to her spiritual growth, the deeper in love I fell.  I am in love with her as I comprehend that love is healing for both of us.  It is not a selfish endeavor.  The love I offer is Godly in the sense it provides healing for both of us, while guiding toward a greater mutual unification in Christ.  Three in one—through, with, and in as a couple we merge with Christ, the sacrament of marriage approached on the deepest level.  I saw all this.  I knew all of this.  However she had to accept all of this.  I will never cease in my love.  Everything is too clearly laid out before me.  Where she turns to self-will and self-defense in protecting herself from a deeper love, I open my heart, becoming vulnerable, becoming weak, allowing God to witness me offering my heart in faith, hope, and charity to another.  Where she shuns emotion and passion, I point to the Song of Songs and observe God embrace these very powerful ideas.  I know cloistered men and women, St Bernard of Clairvaux leading, adore the poem of passion play between lovers.  Love is all about emotion and passion.  Her sense of indifference and scoffing at emotion is not a higher love, but a lesser love of defense and manipulation. Self-will crushing Divine Will.  All these truths are so apparent, yet if she rejects them what am I to do?  Heartbroken, I move forward the best I can.  Overwhelmed, sadness becomes a reality.  To love on the highest level does not allow you to walk away as if nothing matters, turning to others, moving away as if nothing of consequence happened.  Everything happened.  The passion play God desires to enrapture our lives within has been extinguished before it could ever truly be started.  Everything must mean something, for if it does not then where is the hope and love?  If indifference and hardness rule at its best shallowness and superficiality are achieved.  At its worst frustration, fear, hatred and other psychological dilemmas are created.  Disorder builds upon disorder.  Spiritual masters may become so immersed within such a powerful and overwhelming love for God that indifference becomes their predisposition toward all things worldly, however for those of us who are not spiritual masters I think indifference is a sign of brokenness.  I am confident that throughout my life, I have not encountered a single lay person who is a spiritual master.  Any lay person who offers indifference to their brothers and sisters under the guise of a higher love must be treated kindly, yet with great caution.  Odds are astronomical that is a person who has wreaked havoc in the lives of others throughout his or her life.